Dropped my daughter off at school and went to gym. Did treadmill, felt good and it makes your day start off well. The night before I had my mind ready
Kind of had an epiphany last night as I got high. For some reason I have this non stop buzz or emptiness or guilt that never goes away. Ever. I can never relax. I think fighting the urges itself is exhausting. I just felt looking at porn is just so sad. People love me, God loves me and if they could just see me in this scenario without judgment they would feel sadness and pity for me. I am worth more than that. I get emotionally worn out. I am certainly my own worst enemy. I think if I can get out of this thinking I could finally have some peace within myself. I really just want peace within myself. I’m not sure if this even makes sense. I hate overthinking things but I know I have to forgive myself. There was a pre and post brain surgery me. Once in a while I can step out of myself and compare the two people. It just takes my breath away at what happened to me. I never cried about that or really acknowledged that. I had part of my frontal lobe removed. I guess just doing the daily grind I don’t notice. This probably is much bigger than I realize.
@TheNightfly, yeah that surgery was terrible. A lot of grief or loss would be appropriate now, in my opinion.
Ok, I had an epiphany of why I PMO. I long for love and trust with someone. What excites me most is eye contact and kissing. I never knew that. I have never been in love. I think I knew this before but I was told if you were in love you would know it. I think becoming friends with my wife could help. Right now I’m not a big fan. But I have to make some effort like any other person I encounter. I would be on cloud nine if I could ever have that mutual trust and love that is out there.
There was no real growth in my brain tumor although my balance has decreased and my brain is aging at an ever faster rate. There was a spider in another part of the brain that the Dr thought may have been a different head tilt. I talked about my depression, lack of motivation and getting a change in the anti depressant. I am very hard on myself. I know I walk on eggshells
Keep on keeping on. I don't know if I would be doing as well as you after your brain surgery. But yeah, don't be cruel to yourself. Maybe reward yourself for 18 days no PMO.
