Married but celibate

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TheNightfly, May 14, 2019.

  1. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Dropped my daughter off at school and went to gym. Did treadmill, felt good and it makes your day start off well. The night before I had my mind ready
     
  2. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Kind of had an epiphany last night as I got high. For some reason I have this non stop buzz or emptiness or guilt that never goes away. Ever. I can never relax. I think fighting the urges itself is exhausting. I just felt looking at porn is just so sad. People love me, God loves me and if they could just see me in this scenario without judgment they would feel sadness and pity for me. I am worth more than that. I get emotionally worn out. I am certainly my own worst enemy. I think if I can get out of this thinking I could finally have some peace within myself. I really just want peace within myself. I’m not sure if this even makes sense. I hate overthinking things but I know I have to forgive myself. There was a pre and post brain surgery me. Once in a while I can step out of myself and compare the two people. It just takes my breath away at what happened to me. I never cried about that or really acknowledged that. I had part of my frontal lobe removed. I guess just doing the daily grind I don’t notice. This probably is much bigger than I realize.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    @TheNightfly, yeah that surgery was terrible. A lot of grief or loss would be appropriate now, in my opinion.
     
  4. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Ok, I had an epiphany of why I PMO. I long for love and trust with someone. What excites me most is eye contact and kissing. I never knew that. I have never been in love. I think I knew this before but I was told if you were in love you would know it. I think becoming friends with my wife could help. Right now I’m not a big fan. But I have to make some effort like any other person I encounter. I would be on cloud nine if I could ever have that mutual trust and love that is out there.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  5. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    There was no real growth in my brain tumor although my balance has decreased and my brain is aging at an ever faster rate. There was a spider in another part of the brain that the Dr thought may have been a different head tilt. I talked about my depression, lack of motivation and getting a change in the anti depressant. I am very hard on myself. I know I walk on eggshells
     
  6. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Keep on keeping on. I don't know if I would be doing as well as you after your brain surgery. But yeah, don't be cruel to yourself. Maybe reward yourself for 18 days no PMO.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  7. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Well I have been bad for a long time. I was high on marijuana and things were revealed to myself. I have a HUGE HOLE in myself. I know I fill it with food to the excess, porn, or alcohol. I am grossly out of shape and what I have been doing for the last 11 years has not really benefited myself. I just hope there will be a light that I see that will turn away from just darkness
     
  8. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    After a realization that this is one thing that I can start to improve my life, I have done pretty well. I have not peaked at anything because if I do it goes to shit. I know I am not who I want to be and I am fairly certain that this gets in the way of that person
     
  9. True Change

    True Change Member

    Win the morning and you win the day.

    Keep doing what you're doing.
     
  10. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Another day clean. Woke up at 3 and went walking. I was kind of dreaming of these 2 women at a bar from the other night. They were not knockouts but I kind of feel edgy
     
  11. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Ugh, I really could use sex. I do have a wife who is very self Conscious (she is over 300 pounds and her belly covers her vagina). I am not that great myself either though. Honestly I know I like it when she is gone. I do my best to pretend to lover her.I may have had sex once in the past 2 years. I can seethe married people stray. We have no intimacy. It’s not healthy
     
  12. breath

    breath Active Member

    there are a lot of couples who love sex and are not 'beautiful',. many are obese, disfigured or what ever.. Sex, sexual tension, is in the mind... Brad and Angelina don't cum harder than anyone else! You should just make it work with your wife. It is called 'making love'.. because it can be made. Wife and I were living estranged and sexless for years. not any more
    :)
     
    Saville likes this.
  13. breath

    breath Active Member

    even if the two of you are rusty and things aren't exactly going off like fireworks. You share an extra, knowing hug and affection. It will heat up love wears thin but love can be kindled
     
    Saville likes this.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I love what @breath has to say. Also, a defeated attitude, just like a winning one, is contagious. You and your wife both feed off of the negative energy and, speaking from experience, this makes a person want to eat. I used to sit around feeling sorry for myself, lamenting that I didn't have a better looking wife, one who's body got me excited. My wife could feel this negative energy and that made her feel ugly. She grew hard and sometimes I felt like I was living with a man. I broke that cycle by changing my attitude. Once I changed, my wife changed. No, it isn't easy, but with just a little bit of courage and a tiny bit of resolve, anyone can do it. You've got this!
     
  15. badger

    badger Active Member

    love is a verb
     
  16. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Never heard that before. Well as far as PMO I fell off the wagon. I have a talent to fool myself no matter how much wisdom you think I should have acquired. I have a memory of a fruit fly with grandiose visions of a megalomaniac
     
  17. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    I’m here and I have been clean. Feel like I’m going to jinx myself. While high I had some insight into my own life that I am not happy with. I think I need to adjust and find a productive output.
     
  18. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    My son goes to college tomorrow. I pray that he is successful. My first year I drank like a fish and flunked out. He always had mom to go to bat for him. She pretty much helped him graduate. I know he’s ready to get out of the house. Love the kids but him and his mom butt heads and are loud. Things will be quiet with just 1 kid here.
     
  19. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Been in a rut, it probably all corresponds with PMO. Is PMO making my life worthless? I have felt like a slug for a good while. Fucking sick if this shit
     
  20. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    You're not a slug BUT pmo would like you to believe you are ! Pmo would like you to believe you're life is worthless also ! You're sick of this shit ? GOOD ! YOU KNOW what to do, rock on !
     

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