Married but celibate

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TheNightfly, May 14, 2019.

  1. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Rant all you like, my journal is full of them. Glad to see you back TheNightfly.
    As NCBob says pick one thing and do it, because it rewards you, then work up from there. If you want to know what I think about some of the other stuff you wrote I have said it plenty of times in my journal. We should not pathologise ourselves but at the same time we should acknowledge the limits that these conditions place on us today.

    Peace and Every Good.
     
  2. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Ok, I am 46 and have been POM a long time. It just lost its luster and I have not done it since New Years Eve. So, I am married and have zero interest in having sex with my 330 pound wife. I guess I will have to take a vow of celibacy or eventually get something on the side. I don’t really enjoy her company and we have nothing in common. We have kids so I better find an outlet that is just for me.
     
  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Active Member

    What does POM mean here? Porn Orgasm Masturbation?

    I'm going to post a few things here to see if anything helps you.

    I read you had brain cancer and brain surgery. Have you ever researched how to cope with that? Our frontal lobes do a lot to make us who we are, are there any support books or support forums for people who have had frontal lobe surgery you could look into? I'm not an expert, but maybe it might make it harder to quit porn.

    Do you have filtering on all your devices? I do, and more, and it's changed my life a whole lot for the positive. Also, have you ever made a list of the downsides porn has in your life? I did and it helped me. What also helped was making lists of improvements I could make in my life, and then going and doing them. (It's taking a while, but I've done about half of them, and my life has improved.) A list of life goals, might help you. All of these things have helped me, and now I'm over 90 days mostly, more or less, clean.

    One life goal might be sex two times a week like you mentioned here before. I know your wife doesn't want to have sex when she thinks of herself as fat, but can you speak to her about that? Maybe you can come up with some kind of compromise. You're married, so I think she has to consider what might help you have regular sex. You said she masturbates sometimes. Can you tell her that if she can do that it might be wrong not to have sex with you? I've never been married, and I don't know what arguments about sex are like, but I think you need to talk about it with her. I'd rather you not have an affair.

    I hope that helps. Try the tips about quitting porn above and stay clean, fellow rebooter.
     
  4. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Oh, I have been through all the avenues of support offered. When it comes down to it you can’t make a Dodge Omni run like a Mustang. I saw the downsides and there are many.
     
  5. Fish Hawk

    Fish Hawk Well-Known Member

    Are you talking about your medical condition or pmo when you say " there are many downsides ?" I would not offer an opinion on your medical condition, its not my business however, I suggest to you there are no downsides to quitting pmo. Leaving it behind has many benefits some of which you dont see until you are there. Mental and emotional not only the physical benefits.
     
  6. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    PMO, downsides are laziness, depression, being less attractive to the opposite sex, social anxiety I think is one. I was thinking today, talking to God as I was driving. I was just asking him to give me what I needed and fill up the emptiness. I just read a passage from a journal and it was talking about a leper and also the a phantom of the opera. Neither would be touched, they were totally disfigured but also totally abandoned. It is so hard for me to reach out to a friend. When I spend time with one it is the best. Let me just say that I have been a stay at home Dad, not working, not having interaction with people since 2003. My loud wife works from home and she says I hide. Anyways, just talking. I have not done anything since New Year’s Eve. I could have a tough time performing for my wife as I usually am not a fan of hers and because you should, I guess, want to have sex with your spouse. I am just waiting for my life to be turned around like I hear. I really don’t want to fall back into my old ways. For my sake and my family’s
     
  7. Fish Hawk

    Fish Hawk Well-Known Member

    I guess I didnt make it clear. I meant the quitting of pmo not its effects. Sorry.
     
  8. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Sorry, I’m confused myself actually. I do that a lot. Can’t do anything with brain damage but I can not look at P.
     
  9. Fish Hawk

    Fish Hawk Well-Known Member

    Not looking at porn is a good job !
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2020
    Boxer17 likes this.
  10. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    So I have been pmo free the whole month, not bad. I really can’t quit now. I do feel depressed and like a fat pig and I’m not working out like I should. I ate too much and I am hoping for a switch to turn on where I can enjoy things like drawing and painting and working out. That is the carrot that I am looking at
     
  11. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    I’m a weak man. I haven’t touched porn and it really isn’t that hard. I think being depressed helps actually. I get my brain looked at soon as I have had brain tumors. I just want to get in my bed, sleep and be totally lazy. My goals are to get in shape and I am going totally the wrong way. My kids see me as lazy. I disgust myself and am ashamed of me being me. I wanna puke
     
  12. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Nightfly,

    It takes strength to come here, it takes strength to admit that PMO is not working and will never work. At the moment, as I said in my last entry on my own journal, I think not touching P is not difficult. Equally I am worried that is complacency and that within the fortnight I will be up to my ears in the stuff.
    I get much of my own self worth from my wife, or look for it from her, and I wonder if that is part of your problem too. My wife sees herself as unattractive and alright I would discount her if I was looking today. I believe that someone would want her if she were single. So there is not much support forthcoming from her to help my cause. I think that is part of the explanation for my growth just before Christmas, I was doing it for myself.
    I want to offer you some encouraging story from my life but all mine are barely beyond the opening chapters. Can you drop a habit to make room for getting into shape? I am examining my values, many is the time when I have complained that I spend time doing things that stop me getting on, now I am beginning to wonder if the things I do are actually lower priority than those that I want to do.

    I have noticed that I have a prejudice to something you have written which challenges me to connect with and act on some hitherto unacknowledged pain.

    Peace and every good
     
  13. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    We were in a hotel and she said she could “help” me even though she is so ashamed of herself. Her weight with c sections has caused much pain, self hate and shame. I didn’t want to do anything. God bless her but she doesn’t interest me. I think I have to do stuff for myself. I may put her all in my circle of hate and it doesn’t do anyone any good. Gotta make dinner
     
  14. axebattler

    axebattler Member Staff Member

    Could you be in a flatline?
     
  15. breath

    breath Member

    this is kinda random... not sure what 'my point ' is.

    while there are beauty ideals in evolutionary theory, such ideals are very flexible as varied tastes of men and women accross the world in history have shown.. the biggest. We don't often change our tastes mid life ... but that does happen to. We can't simply choose to snap our fingers and change tastes in our attractions.... however , we all have baggage. I know that some comments I've recieved on this forum have made me desire to look at my own patterns of thought... One thing you give of (and this could just be me projecting myself onto what you have written about yourself) is a self hate. Calling yourself a fat pig self hating... Gluttony, appearance - those are indeed your perogative to have pride in, change etc... but they don't define you or the person you are inside - inside you are a person - neither fat buff whatever - just a person.. If you think of us in an abstract way - our bodies and outward appearances - and remember we are flesh and blood. In a sense we can easily be reduced to parts of flesh that we'd see behind the butcher shop glass. not trying to be weird or dark, but cock and cunt are the same.. One thing I did when I watched porn was to seek normal couples.... Hard to find- as you know well what their representation of sex/lovemaking is... Pretty silly and juvenile... I consider myself very lucky as an older guy who has had real sex during most of my life and know that ecstasy has little to do with fucking Angelina Jolie. Consider that there are a lot of guys who would very happily fuck your wife. Excuse my tone... not trying to provoke or be rude or shocking.... just feeling that we have
     
    positivef and GreyHeron like this.
  16. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Hmm, first tine I ever heard the word flatline. I am on Zoloft which doesn’t help. I appreciate the feedback and am
    not offended. You know, the soft touch of a woman or a woman to hold would be so nice. If I ever had that I miss it. We have a situation where she has taken the role of the man as in making money and being the authoritive figure. I just try to not keep her pissed off. She is physically broken, emotionally spent, and depressed I am sure. I suck and do not like being on call all the time. For me, it has always been I feel how I physically feel. I’m still on porn and I can’t really turn around now and start over. I am just hoping that somewhere over the rainbow people get from staying away is there for me.
     
  17. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    I just read about flatline and I never heard about that. I seem to be in that state. I say that and I hope it is that (flatline) and not just myself. If flatline is my new normal that is just not going to work.
     
  18. positivef

    positivef Member

    I believe flatline is something that you have to work through, but it can take months or longer. For younger guys it can be much quicker. I think you need to work on a comprehensive plan to work where you want to be.

    It sounds like your relationship isn't in the best place. Have you talked at all about your issues with your wife? How old are your children?
     
  19. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Thank you. I haven’t nor should I talk with my wife. She is so emotional and can’t have a logical and understanding conversation. She has her own serious problems. While she does work right now she is beside herself in that our sins grades won’t allow him to play sports this spring. He is good but he seems to not care. She is hanging in by a thread and is an emotional and physical mess. My kids are 17 (son) and my daughter is 13. I have been a stay at home Dad for all of their lives. She has a very domineering personality and her working probably made it worse
     
  20. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Had a dream that I was trying to get into a favorite pornstars pants but She didn’t want to. She had a baby she was preoccupied with. Frustrating.
     

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