Married but celibate

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TheNightfly, May 14, 2019.

  1. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    That's a tough one. Addiction to porn (constant dopamine) means we're not in a good place to decide one way or the other in my opinion. We're numbed down and can't feel much of anything. Quitting porn will change that gradually. Give the reboot a chance and then see how you feel.
     
    Gil79 likes this.
  2. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Ok, ai was off the wagon simply because I lost faith in what’s out there. Yesterday I was trying and it was tough to do it. Lot if shame yesterday. It’s a new day. I need a clear head if that’s even possible. I think that I am uncertain about my future or at least the possibilities so I go “fuck this who cares”
     
  3. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Get back on horse, he throws you off again fuck him get back on. It's not easy but it will get so slowly. If there's one thing we as pmo addicts need to master its PERSEVERANCE! You can do it so do it. You are not alone.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  4. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    It's a dark place to be. It's also a win-win for my depression when I think this way. "Who cares?" frees me to do whatever I want without thinking of others including myself. Also, it reinforces the idea that "nobody cares about me." I spent a number of years with this attitude and it culminated in suicidal ideation and a trip to the hospital. I'm not getting heavy to warn you or make a judgement. I'm just sharing my personal experience with these type of thoughts. I can empathize with the bigger questions about the future. I would say what has helped me to an extent is focusing on the now. Ruminating on the past mistakes gets me down. Worrying about an uncertain future gives me anxiety. What can I do now, in this moment?

    Take care of yourself. I hope I didn't get too heavy.
     
  5. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Well I have been off the wagon for a while. I think I just love to see it, like it is so consuming and irresistible. My question is what would be my motivation to stop?
     
  6. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Your motivation to stop ?-- how about having your life not letting the " addict" have it to go his way and laugh at you ! Not enough motivation? Maybe you need to deep think this!
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  7. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    There are lots of reasons to stop.

    1) Regain sensitivity (and have the best sex of your life)
    2) No more shame
    3) Self-confidence
    4) Better mental function
    5) Find out who you are without the addiction dragging you down.
     
    TriGuy60 likes this.
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Nightfly, glad to see you on here, I was wondering if you were lost to victory over this malady.

    I would echo what A New Man says, for me I emphasise bullet number 5. We all have pain and it is necessary to learn to live with that whilst being who we are, who we really are.
     
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  9. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Thanks, I need this plastered on my forehead. I want to stop. I have no excuses, wasting away my summer. I don’t think I progressed mentally, physically or spiritually at all. What a waste of a summer. Kids go back to school soon so that will open up my day.
     
  10. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Dont give up keep going foward even when it seems you are not accomplishing anything because you are. Keep moving, incremental is still moving foward.
     
  11. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    No, I did not have victory and I often am lukewarm. I remember once in confession a priest said to cut the thought off in the pregnancy stage if you will. I do think there is unbearable emptiness and loneliness that I try to run from. It has been food, or porn. It has caused shame and self loathing with nothing to show for it. What I do know is if I keep doing what I am doing and don’t do what I should do I will die a bitter old man.
     
  12. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    You looked after your kids through the summer. That is important work. Like Saville once said to me, it's the most important work. As for progress, you're coming back here, reading, posting, thinking about getting better, figuring out how to crack this thing. Like 40New30 used to say "Keep quitting until you quit"!
     
  13. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    It’s funny, I did not make a big deal of being clean. People make announcements about a new diet and never go anywhere. Actually what happened has nothing to do with that. Last night I had 2 dreams where porn was involved. One was I was at work and everyone could see what was on my computer screen. Humiliation but understanding by my boss. Next I had a dream where I was at a soccer game for my kid. There were two tall hot women that I would die for. On a wall porn was being displayed. I much rather watch them and be with them. Anyways, I thought 2 dreams in 1 night was noticeable.
     
    A New Man likes this.
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    So true, Bobo.

    This is an exercise in perseverance, patience, with just a tad more perseverance thrown in for good measure:)
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  15. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Ugh, I have a huge emptiness in myself. There is only so much idle bs I can do to pass time.
     
  16. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Go for a walk dude... Write out your feelings in your J... Watch a shitty comedy... Eat something... The beast is tempting you...
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  17. breath

    breath Member

    some guys love fatties big time others not... sorry if i missed it but are you saying u arent attracted enough to get hard with her? u know many of us would not give upp the chance... i've been learning to keep the marital for going,, and i dont think it has to be relagated to only enjoying someone closer to our beauty ideals whatever it may be
     
  18. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    I’m back. I was going to PMO today, I look and do it most days now it seems. I was just bored and gave up. I was thinking about how it can make you lazy. I was uploading pictures to a screensaver. I am a good looking guy. I probably didn’t think so when I was young. But 10 years ago I was lighter and was hot. My body is the worst it’s been ever. I used to be all into fitness, or at least the pursuit of it. I’m going to make a run of it again. That’s what gets me excited which in itself is a big deal for me. I don’t see my wife and I having sex because she is probably 330 pounds and I don’t like her. The cold reality of a mistake you made marrying someone you have nothing in common with is dark. But, we have kids, extended family and she makes the money. I kind of go numb. Oh, she works from hone so I get to hear her on conference calls all day. Perhaps I can use that bad taste in myself to improve myself and feel better about myself. Oh, I have had 2 operations on my frontal lobe which is responsible for personality, motivation and impulse control. I hate saying that because I feel it’s a copout. The Neurooncologists say I have to accept myself as it is but I can’t. I never will. Accepting means I give up. Fuck that noise. Sorry to go off on a rant. I just had some thoughts come out.
     
    MissingSelfCompassion likes this.
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Rants are important and necessary, TheNightfly. We gotta get it out, before we can move on. I can relate to being dissatisfied with just about everything in my life - I was in this space about 30 years ago. Extremely depressing. Like you, I picked one thing that got me energized, and worked from there. Now, I'm fulfilled by most of what's in my world. Get your a$$ to the gym, and start there:) Then slowly add things that you're passionate about to the mix. It takes time, and it works. Keep postin!
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2019
    Boxer17 likes this.
  20. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Glad to see you back because I too, relate to your story. The forum is here whenever you need to rant or just sound things out for yourself. I think one of the benefits is the empathy from others here. It feels like I am being heard. Journaling is not for everyone, but it helps me. Regardless of where you are, we're here to listen.
     
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