Married but celibate

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TheNightfly, May 14, 2019.

  1. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    That's a tough one. Addiction to porn (constant dopamine) means we're not in a good place to decide one way or the other in my opinion. We're numbed down and can't feel much of anything. Quitting porn will change that gradually. Give the reboot a chance and then see how you feel.
    Gil79 likes this.
  2. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Ok, ai was off the wagon simply because I lost faith in what’s out there. Yesterday I was trying and it was tough to do it. Lot if shame yesterday. It’s a new day. I need a clear head if that’s even possible. I think that I am uncertain about my future or at least the possibilities so I go “fuck this who cares”
  3. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Get back on horse, he throws you off again fuck him get back on. It's not easy but it will get so slowly. If there's one thing we as pmo addicts need to master its PERSEVERANCE! You can do it so do it. You are not alone.
    NCBob likes this.
  4. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    It's a dark place to be. It's also a win-win for my depression when I think this way. "Who cares?" frees me to do whatever I want without thinking of others including myself. Also, it reinforces the idea that "nobody cares about me." I spent a number of years with this attitude and it culminated in suicidal ideation and a trip to the hospital. I'm not getting heavy to warn you or make a judgement. I'm just sharing my personal experience with these type of thoughts. I can empathize with the bigger questions about the future. I would say what has helped me to an extent is focusing on the now. Ruminating on the past mistakes gets me down. Worrying about an uncertain future gives me anxiety. What can I do now, in this moment?

    Take care of yourself. I hope I didn't get too heavy.
  5. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Well I have been off the wagon for a while. I think I just love to see it, like it is so consuming and irresistible. My question is what would be my motivation to stop?
  6. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Your motivation to stop ?-- how about having your life not letting the " addict" have it to go his way and laugh at you ! Not enough motivation? Maybe you need to deep think this!
    nuclpow likes this.
  7. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    There are lots of reasons to stop.

    1) Regain sensitivity (and have the best sex of your life)
    2) No more shame
    3) Self-confidence
    4) Better mental function
    5) Find out who you are without the addiction dragging you down.
    TriGuy60 likes this.
  8. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Nightfly, glad to see you on here, I was wondering if you were lost to victory over this malady.

    I would echo what A New Man says, for me I emphasise bullet number 5. We all have pain and it is necessary to learn to live with that whilst being who we are, who we really are.
    TheNightfly and Boxer17 like this.
  9. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Thanks, I need this plastered on my forehead. I want to stop. I have no excuses, wasting away my summer. I don’t think I progressed mentally, physically or spiritually at all. What a waste of a summer. Kids go back to school soon so that will open up my day.
  10. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Dont give up keep going foward even when it seems you are not accomplishing anything because you are. Keep moving, incremental is still moving foward.
  11. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    No, I did not have victory and I often am lukewarm. I remember once in confession a priest said to cut the thought off in the pregnancy stage if you will. I do think there is unbearable emptiness and loneliness that I try to run from. It has been food, or porn. It has caused shame and self loathing with nothing to show for it. What I do know is if I keep doing what I am doing and don’t do what I should do I will die a bitter old man.
  12. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    You looked after your kids through the summer. That is important work. Like Saville once said to me, it's the most important work. As for progress, you're coming back here, reading, posting, thinking about getting better, figuring out how to crack this thing. Like 40New30 used to say "Keep quitting until you quit"!
  13. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    It’s funny, I did not make a big deal of being clean. People make announcements about a new diet and never go anywhere. Actually what happened has nothing to do with that. Last night I had 2 dreams where porn was involved. One was I was at work and everyone could see what was on my computer screen. Humiliation but understanding by my boss. Next I had a dream where I was at a soccer game for my kid. There were two tall hot women that I would die for. On a wall porn was being displayed. I much rather watch them and be with them. Anyways, I thought 2 dreams in 1 night was noticeable.
    A New Man likes this.
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    So true, Bobo.

    This is an exercise in perseverance, patience, with just a tad more perseverance thrown in for good measure:)
    Boxer17 likes this.
  15. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Ugh, I have a huge emptiness in myself. There is only so much idle bs I can do to pass time.
  16. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Go for a walk dude... Write out your feelings in your J... Watch a shitty comedy... Eat something... The beast is tempting you...
    Boxer17 likes this.
  17. breath

    breath Member

    some guys love fatties big time others not... sorry if i missed it but are you saying u arent attracted enough to get hard with her? u know many of us would not give upp the chance... i've been learning to keep the marital for going,, and i dont think it has to be relagated to only enjoying someone closer to our beauty ideals whatever it may be

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