Married but celibate

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TheNightfly, May 14, 2019.

  1. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Well I started to watch today. I could have PMO since my wife and son were not home. I didn’t. Usually I would have done that asap. I have weird ways in compartmentalism game (autotext gave me that one). I sometimes think I can rationalize anything. Re reading a post I need to love myself (sounds gay). However I was watching a YouTube video by Dave Goggins. He is not for sugar coating things. The negative feelings about yourself are what drives you to be better. That’s kind of a conundrum for me.
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I guess we would all be better off gay then. Except, there are gay men here too who struggle with the same issues.

    That's just his opinion. Most, if not all, men here suffer from an inner-critic who never leaves them alone. I don't see anyone's negativity on this board driving them to be better. I have been clean over three years and it's precisely because I dropped the negativity that I was able to do so. Every day I build myself up. I tell myself I'm worth it. I smile a lot and acknowledge the world is an amazing place, absolutely filled with beauty. Type A people like Goggins see the world through a lens of push push push. But, humans are not just one thing, unless we decide we are. You reached out to your wife the other day and that was just as heroic, just as important, as running an ultra-marathon.
     
    Lowdo, forlorn and A New Man like this.
  3. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    I can’t remember the last time we had sex. I know it’s less than a year. Maybe 7-8 months. She is on Zoloft so it is tough to get her off. Funny thing I am off Zoloft cold turkey because of insurance and that won’t slow me down. I hate to get in more drugs as I think I take maybe 6 prescriptions right now. It’s like we can only have sex when she is ready emotionally and feeling good about herself. There certainly is trust issues on her part. I’m just a guy that wants to get laid. I have heard couples have sex 2 times a week. That would be good. I want to add that my poor wife is over 300 pounds bless her heart. I know everyone else’s wife is under 200.
     
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    How do you know that? My wife is a bit chubby, but I'm the fat one. However, I have two close friends who have morbidly obese wives and they are very happy with each other. I can see weight being an issue, for sure, but this isn't just about your wife's weight. The journey you're on is your own. When we give up on PMO, and start engaging in the mundane tasks around us, we begin to change those around us. When your wife sees you getting healthy then she will probably be motivated, as well.

    My wife isn't particularly fat, but she was a fucking bitch on steroids. I decided I didn't care how she behaved, because my life was all about me. After distancing myself from PMO my positive energy also changed her attitude.

    You have two weeks in, my friend. This is awesome!
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  5. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    My wife is in the dark about me and what I have done. Some may say oh they know, but she is totally unaware. Funny thing is when she talks about her friends husbands she says she has it pretty good. I always like a woman with curves. Maybe more so than most. What I do know is when I am intimate the penis knows what to do. Thank God
     
    Bobo and Gilgamesh like this.
  6. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Had a good talk with my wife last night. In the past I have lost my election and she has ended up in tears. She said she has zero interest in having sex. She has to find herself, she has just started going to counseling. The last times we had sex she would just take off her balance bent over and said go to town. I said I need intimacy I want my contact I want you to say my name I want you to say you love me. She thought that was weird but I am just so lonely and have no intimacy with anybody in the whole world. I think being one physically with your wife is the closest thing I can be to someone. I always used whatever porn star as someone that couldn’t get enough of me and give herself fully to me. I know I’m missing that badly. Closeness with her or any friend even. It may be a long time that we have sex again. It may have been close to a year already. She feels bad as a wife that she can’t help me in that regard. She cried and I even cried that the man she met and married is gone forever. I used to just get up and go with the flow. I cried at that loss, a brain tumor, chemo and radiation took that from me. I have grown angry and bitter. I am scared of what used to be normal. Maybe we will meet again when we go around the world and bump into each other. She has an exceptional therapist but my experience is they are like chiropractors. You go in and they get you back but are never cured. I understand why men and women have to find something they can’t get at home. My situation may exceed the scope of this message board but it does help me to see what I feel in writing. So far I haven’t seen the judgement that would send me for the hills.
     
    Bobo likes this.
  7. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Well done man. You're opening up your heart, and your wife's as well. You've taken a great step by stopping this addiction. Today I read a story about a girl who was addicted to alcohol and amphetamine a large part of her childhood. She is now clean and says how she is so happy that she can feel again: the positive and the negative. Very interesting.
     
  8. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I dont think the men here are judgemental. If there are some that have escaped my scrutiny " fuck them!" There is no problem that is not worthy. You are moving along to a level of wellness for both you and your wife. I for one am glad to have you here.
     
  9. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Well yesterday I was all alone and failed and will be starting over. I need to remind myself why this is worth doing.
     
  10. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Nightfly, I see some of my story in what you write. There are other things that you write that give me insight into another part of my life not directly related to this board.

    Sorry to hear about the stumble. Yes, there are times when each of us needs to reassess where we are headed and sometimes we wait until we feel the shame you are feeling now. Dust yourself off and keep on moving forward. It is good to have you here.

    Soar well

    Grey Heron
     
    A New Man likes this.
  11. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Thanks, I have been looking. It doesn’t help that my wife acts like a 14 year old drama queen. I guess (see the hesitation) that I need to get on with my life and my dreams regardless of her sorry ass.
     
  12. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Fuck, I went off the rails again. As the song goes I need a new drug
     
  13. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Pick yourself up again and just keep going. You will make it.
     
  14. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Thanks, I just happened to pick up the book the brains way of healing by Norman Doidge at the library today. It was referenced here.
     
  15. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    I think my dopamine receptors ate shot to hell. I have the porn, but I also get it from eating which has caused huge weight gain. Also, I abuse Ritalin which I am now out of. I think I get my fix wherever I can. I’m afraid and hope the withdrawal is not as bad as I fear.
     
  16. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Does anyone admit this shit to their wife? I know my wife masturbates so she says to get to sleep sometimes.
     
  17. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Be real careful about that. There are certain things wives dont need to know about. Only complicates things for no good reason. I for one dont believe in it but you may of course.
     
  18. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I second @Bobo. I don't believe in sharing everything. There are things that women don't understand about men, and vice versa. Telling her can really take away your personal power when it is used to manipulate you with shame and guilt.
     
    Bobo likes this.
  19. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Oh, I’m in agreement 100 percent. Wives say “we have no secrets”. Mine says she doesn’t. She is living in a fairy tale. What you don’t know won’t hurt you. Not true obviously but mine is is so emotional she will go overboard just to make it about her:
     
  20. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    What happens if you really do not care for your wife? I guess it can be asking you to have sex with a coworker that you really do not like or want to be around.
     

Share This Page