Married but celibate

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TheNightfly, May 14, 2019.

  1. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    when i PMO it makes me feel different. like i'm different from other men. less than. that i have a dirty secret and am not a real man. that i am deficient in some way. broken. definitely not happy. just going through the motions of life. not real. resentful and with short tolerance for other people's minor mistakes. no patience. this is and more horrible feelings are what the smut i indulge in make me feel. but it is not real just like the filth i watch on those degenerate screens. hang in there. day by day we heal. some days are more healing than others. never give up before the miracle. praying for you.
     
    realness and Libertad like this.
  2. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Badger, you have made some great strides ! Amazing when you look at what we all saw as normal ! But no more right !
     
  3. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    I haven’t touched it in a couple weeks I kind of asked for God to step in or work. I’m thinking right now I have no direction no schedule no real goals I can get excited about and it makes me kind of upset. If I knew how it would make me cry. I need some time and quiet to think of what I want out of my life. I should add that I have been vaping on CBD. Don’t know what it does
     
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2022
    positivef and ruggerdoug like this.
  4. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Was kind of angry last night. Snippy at my wife. She is not the best to confide in. I told her about having a purpose, goals, a role and she says “well the backyard needs some work.” It has rained nonstop here. I have created a solitary space for myself where I am blinded.
     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I have recently found that sitting in the bathroom with the lights off helps. Is that what you mean by solitary space where you are blinded?
     
  6. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Well a place I can slow down and think. I have distractions a plenty. Right now I am overwhelmed by this project and I would normally fap. If I even take a look it is all over. I may be replacing that with food and getting high.
     
  7. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    I know it can be hard to bring purpose to life, but it's kind of rubbish your wife saying 'work on the backyard'. It is a task but unlikely to your purpose.
     
  8. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    She has never been a soft shoulder to cry on. She is generous and loving but probably stressed, heard the same story over and over. She had Covid and is still tired. She was tired before. Anyways it’s not her fault for anything. I have to do this on my own. I’m just hoping have I have something left to get back to. I noticed I had an initial desire to go fap during a confusing moment yesterday. What’s the point? I stopped fapping? Now what?
     
  9. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Still have not fapped. Have been using CBD, don’t know if that is a coincidence
     
  10. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Feeling really down right now. Like I want to cry. I feel listless, nervous and empty. Had the thought of PMO. Passed, I want to cry for like days and get it out but I can’t.
     
  11. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Do you have any hobbies, interests or personal projects? Something you can feel a sense of pride in. Maybe spend a day or so thinking about it and see what you can come up with.
    Vaping CBD oil won't do you any harm. Some people report that it helps them get a better night's sleep.
     
  12. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    That’s what I’m working on. Thanks. Still clean which is impressive for me. I think the CBD takes that edge off
     
  13. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Went to lift for the first time yesterday and what seems like forever. That used to be my go to. I want To still be my go to but thanks change mentally. I haven’t done anything and that’s OK. I find that it’s usually when my wife says something or does something that gives me an urge to fap. Not sure if I really like the girl. Guys, do you like your wife? You may love them but do you like them?
     
  14. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Yeah I am not looking for a miracle maybe long-term and improvement. But what I have been doing has been not working for me.
     
  15. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Maybe I was always miserable. Well I had depression ever since at least high school. Feeling sorry for myself. I just have to hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am a born again virgin in a ways. I’m 48 and am not sure I have anything figured out. Trying to get back to drawing again. First try is rough. I have been told it have read that it’s ok to change your goals or mindset when u are older. I’m aging with my heels dug in. I really could use a release, like oral or anything that is not related to porn. Now if I could only channel that emotion into something good. Like getting back into lifting. If only if only yada yada yada. I just hope there is some of the old me in there. I forgot what he was like. I’m supposed to have goals and shit. I’m kind of just getting by. I know I would abuse anything. I probably would try any drug just to drown out the noise that is what my life has become. I’m sorry, this is so depressing. But it’s kind of a journal.
     
  16. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I hope you don´t mind, from a fellow also 48 old man.
    What helps me and what I do every morning for almost half a year now, right after waking up for half an hour, I get comfortable, listen to the following audio and stay in that relaxed position for another 15 minutes after the audio ended, totally relaxed, letting go of everything that comes up. As a disclaimer, it is from a christian man. So use it on your own risk.
    https://soundcloud.com/rebuildingtheman/silent-prayer
    All the best.
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2022
    TheNightfly likes this.
  17. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    Thanks man. Just had sex with my wife. Felt real good
     
  18. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    When I get high my mind is opened. I have a massive hole that has an endless appetite for overeating and pmo. Yesterday I made no excuses and had a hard workout. I will do an incline walk everyday. I had time to think and I was taught to be fearful by my father from a young age. I am not a man if I don’t have Rick solid convictions. If I expect myself to change (I can’t live with this version of me). It ain’t worth it. I must number one keep busy. I get tired or lose interest or overwhelmed when doing certain tasks That window is dangerous. Right now I’m taking a break watching kitchen nightmares. Visualization is important. I don’t want to be a pussy. I need to be the man I supposed to be. My father broke me, made me scared and unsure and I can see decisions I made were influenced by it. My past is gone but I have to expect more for myself. Oh, this happened before. If I refrained from porn and had sex with my wife that would be a trigger for me to do more porn. I am triggered (yeah, I said the word, I’m not some liberal). I kind of am empty I am tempted to get a little bump. I think changing this would change me
     
  19. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Active Member

    I have been fairly busy and taking care of myself. I need to learn to love myself and not feel like a piece of crap. Go see if I have any growth on the old brain tumor. Sometimes when I’m tired I just say I wanted to and I hope it takes me but I know that would kill everybody in my family. I have lived a physically hard life and I need to turn back time on that
     
  20. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    hang in there my brother. don't quit before the miracle.
     
    Saville likes this.

Share This Page