Married but celibate

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by TheNightfly, May 14, 2019.

  1. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    I’m starting out here in what feels like a long time but really is not. I hate saying this but I’m not exactly a big fan of my wife. God bless her but she is well over 300 pounds, tired a lot, and I resent her. Last year we had sex and coming inside a woman is way better. I fantasize about being with other women I know. It’s hard. All in all I’m just a guy that really wants to get laid. Tempted to go back out of frustration.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Welcome! So I guess you also have an issue with porn? Posting here will help you find out what you want and give you the handhold to get there. Good luck!
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  3. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    I do. Not sure if I am going through withdrawal right now
     
  4. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Hey there Nightfly. Welcome sir It's good to have a place in which to pour out your heart anonymously.
    Is your wife aware of your thoughts about this?

    My situation is in some ways similar.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  5. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Hey. I resented myself and my situation so much that I projected my feelings on my wife and eventually had an affair. We're still together, but it's not been easy. It sounds like you may be swimming in some withdrawal. You're telling us you just need to get laid could be your brain trying to convince you to head back to the porn. It's good that you've noticed it and didn't just run back to porn. That's a success!
     
  6. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    She has no idea or maybe she does about porn. I would never tell her she is gross, she does that to herself enough I wouldn’t anyways I’m not a prick. However I have become a fatty myself. So we have two tired fatty’s trying to take care of kids and ourselves We kind of just survive another day. I should note that I have had two brain tumors in the frontal lobe which affects behavior and emotions. I don’t feel Much anymore. But if I could get a great laugh or some dopamine or a rush from whatever I will take advantage of it. I have never had a serious run clean more than two weeks tomorrow it would be one week Coming here seems to help and make me not feel so alone.
     
  7. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Asked her about being together tonight and she is not interested. She disgusts herself. She probably can’t, well I know she can’t trust me. It’s a lot to ask if your stomach is hanging down to the vaginal area. God bless her, it has to be devastating. I may be partially to blame for that though. Showing no interest for a long time leads a women to
    Think something is wrong with her. We joined weight watchers, well it was my idea this time. That was short lived. There is always start Monday around here. Funny thing, when we met I was working at a fitness facility and was kind of into fitness, or at least being strong and muscular. When we met I was literally a different person. Brain surgeries do that. I am making an effort on my part. I want to enjoy life and have energy. I am always walking a tightrope ready to go positive or negative. I’m glad I’m checking in here.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    You both must have went through a lot. I hope you can find a way to change together. If you can first picture it, it is possible. Quitting porn is a great first and probably necessary step. But maybe councelling would be a good support? I hope you can find back the love for your wife, but for yourself in the first place.

    Just now I make the connection to your other journal entry below. Sorry for welcoming you twice ;)
     
    Boxer17, Saville and Libertad like this.
  9. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Yeah, we got married had a baby boy and within a year and a half I was having brain surgery where I could have died. Carp diem, ai know. She feels and she is right that she has been the caretaker to 3 kids, my son and daughter and myself. U have changed from when we got married. Everyone has but my personality has when you lose a part of your frontal lobe. I’m kind of fucked up
     
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Thats awful. Are you having any kind of support? You have a good bond with your kids? For me my children are a great motivator to make better choices.
     
  11. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    I used to have a good bond, they are teenagers now and it is sad. My wife was looking at old pictures. She was crying because I was looking at my little son with such gentleness. Being a stay at home dad is not a good role model for the kids. My wife works from home so I get to hear her all stressed out on conference calls dressing down people that are incompetent. This is an extremely stressful home. She is out right now but I dread her coming home because she is such a ball breaker. She yells but I have to try to be the calm one as I grind my teeth down to nubs. God I wish I had some pot.
     
  12. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    Hey Nightfly- have you read Saville's diary? It's packed with wisdom. I found the stuff he writes about dealing with his wife very helpful. In a nutshell he says when she acts out he thinks of her as a 2 year old and just gets on with what he's doing. I took his approach on board to deal with my wife's antics and it helped no end. I also listen to music with headphones to block out the row from my kids. Maybe you could use some headphones, to give your wife the privacy she needs on those important calls ;) Welcome to the board.
     
  13. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Here I am, thinking my wife needs some lingerie so I look at a Adam and Eve site. I put that energy into being productive. Got to clear the whole upstairs because we are having the dog puss carpet tore up for luxury vinyl plank. My wife is nowhere close to having sex’s. Sure, her body may now be like Honey Boo Boos Mom but I’m bursting here.
     
  14. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    How long do we see results from quitting porn?
     
  15. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    It varies from person to person. And that variance can be dramatic. The conventional wisdom is 90 days but the conventional wisdom also says that it will take longer for those who used HSIP as children than for those who only started in their 40s (most of us here...). Many things change and they take different amounts of time to do so.

    What changes are you looking for?
     
  16. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Drive, energy, discipline to get back into shape. I feel like I am a manatee out of water. You don’t see manatees banging out pull-ups or spiking a volleyball out on the beach. Seriously I don’t want to wake up everyday scared. Scared that I don’t have what it takes to deal with myself and the unknown. The reason I’m here is I have read enough to know that it can kill your motivation, creates shame and does not allow you to enjoy anything else in life. I went to DC for spring break with my family. I hated it. I do detest the swamp itself but I wonder if it just makes me miserable. What I am afraid of is that the frontal lobe brain tumor/chemo/radiation just fried my personality. I want to feel again.
     
  17. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Abstaining from PMO will help all of those things. But PMO is not the only source of issues. I was an anxious little boy long before I discovered M and O. On my last streak, I made it to around 4 or 5 months and was still anxious and sometimes depressed and fought other demons with wildly varying degrees of success.
    On the other hand, I did feel significantly better. And I regret ending that streak for that reason, as well as for many others.

    I can't speak to your particular situation with any certainty but I will say this: If you're not working with a doctor who's at least somewhat optimistic, then there's no good reason to be working with a doctor at all. If you are working with a doctor who is optimistic stick with them, do what they say.

    I wanted to comment on something else you said above, too: Being a father is the most important, difficult, heart-breaking and rewarding thing I've ever done. I think I would have done it better if I didn't work so damn hard at my job. If I could have been a stay-at-home Dad, I would have in a hear beat. Your children are, I'm sure, despite their natural adolescent sturm and drang (and the consequence of that on their relationship with you - that's temporary) so grateful for you. This isn't the 1950s. Being a stay-at-home Dad provides your children with a great role-model. Youj're doing the most important work any of us can do: Making the world better through our children.
     
    Living, A New Man and Gil79 like this.
  18. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    Thank you for saying that. I know I would hate to commute to the city and deal with people and have to be “on” all the time. I admit that I did look at some pics on the internet today. I’m asking my wife to have sex, kids are not home. However there is a casm emotionally as well as the physical shame of her body. I swear my kids think I am some low life butler.
     
  19. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    I didn’t sleep well and am vulnerable if I am not right. Being overwhelmed is a trigger and being disgusted with myself is a trigger. Here is how fucked out I am. I was telling myself that I don’t deserve to be happy so just go ahead and do it you fat worthless pig. Some days are better than others. Today I am forced to stay downstairs near my wife because we are having new floors put in upstairs. No more looking at old piss stains from our Lhasa apso
     
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is really good. We must have sex with a real woman to rewire fully.

    I wouldn't decide what they think of you. Don't worry about what other think, even your family. You (we) must get ourselves healthy. Once we change everything around us does as well.
     

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