Married but back to where I started

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Back2square1, Nov 16, 2019.

  1. Back2square1

    Back2square1 New Member

    This journal is mostly for my own mental health. I was a previous user on here a few years ago and had much success giving up my addiction.

    It has been 17 years with this addition and I thought I had it under control and moved on, boy was I mistaken. This biggest difference between my first time quitting and now is that I am married. My wife is aware of my past but has been under the impression that it is no longer an issue. I am constantly in my head and probably suffer from minor mental health issues. I have anxiety and paranoia from time to time.

    I had broken down a lot of walls on my first time quitting but they are strong as ever. Distance is the easiest way for me to feel nothing from people. I would rather feel nothing rather than emotion or pain. I can't share this with my closest friends and it bothers me, mostly because I feel shame and disappointment. Even though I know he wouldn't care I have built an invisible wall in my mind that I can't break through.

    I decided 2 days ago that it was time to make a change again. That day I PMO'd 2x even though I wanted to quit. Yesterday was only 1x. Normally I would just keep binging and start over the next day but I feel like it is important to accept what has happened, put it behind me, and move on. Today is my 3rd day quitting and i will not act on any impulses. I used to suffer from PIED but I can still be intimate with no issues. I believe thats part of why I haven't quit because I could manage both.

    I don't plan on posting here a lot but I need an outlet to share my thoughts in difficult times.

    I am ready to move on with my life, get rid of this brain fog, build my confidence up again, and be happy.
    baywalker likes this.
  2. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    I completely understand the shame and guilt that you feel.

    I too came back to the forums after a successful run.

    One thing I've realized is there is something within that's causing us to feel a certain pain that makes us turn to porn.

    I have found this community a safe place to open up about such pain (knock on wood).

    I wish you much success on this journey.
  3. Back2square1

    Back2square1 New Member

    Thanks for your post. My hope is that writing in here will help me heal. I messed up again today. My mind is not as strong is once was( or at least thats how I feel at the moment). I can't even make a decision on a gym membership. My mind goes back and forth and then I end up making no decision. Im looking for some advice on material to read/videos on improving mental strength.

    Tomorrow is a new day.
  4. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

  5. Back2square1

    Back2square1 New Member

    I read through that today. That is exactly what I have been looking for:).

    Today has been easier than most. I woke up and cooked breakfast for the two of us and then cleaned/showered/ ran out to get food, got a new game for my wife. Started on my clean eating again just joined a new crossfit gym. My wife went out for a few hours but instead of doing the usual thing I'll be doing hw and playing some vid games to pass the time.

    baywalker likes this.
  6. Back2square1

    Back2square1 New Member

    Well I messed up 2x today. Bad weather today really fucked with my way of doing things, especially since my wife is sleeping for her night shift and I have to going in and out of different doors of the house. I am very systematic in a way I have to do things and if something throws it off then im all wack. I used to use a spread sheet tracker back in the day and I think im going to use the same method now. Starting the counter over is so exhausting because it makes you fee like you failed. We all want to quit forever, but thinking about forever seems daunting because this is a daily battle right now.

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