This journal is mostly for my own mental health. I was a previous user on here a few years ago and had much success giving up my addiction. It has been 17 years with this addition and I thought I had it under control and moved on, boy was I mistaken. This biggest difference between my first time quitting and now is that I am married. My wife is aware of my past but has been under the impression that it is no longer an issue. I am constantly in my head and probably suffer from minor mental health issues. I have anxiety and paranoia from time to time. I had broken down a lot of walls on my first time quitting but they are strong as ever. Distance is the easiest way for me to feel nothing from people. I would rather feel nothing rather than emotion or pain. I can't share this with my closest friends and it bothers me, mostly because I feel shame and disappointment. Even though I know he wouldn't care I have built an invisible wall in my mind that I can't break through. I decided 2 days ago that it was time to make a change again. That day I PMO'd 2x even though I wanted to quit. Yesterday was only 1x. Normally I would just keep binging and start over the next day but I feel like it is important to accept what has happened, put it behind me, and move on. Today is my 3rd day quitting and i will not act on any impulses. I used to suffer from PIED but I can still be intimate with no issues. I believe thats part of why I haven't quit because I could manage both. I don't plan on posting here a lot but I need an outlet to share my thoughts in difficult times. I am ready to move on with my life, get rid of this brain fog, build my confidence up again, and be happy.