Mapping New Territories

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by NewTerritories, Jul 29, 2012.

  1. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Hi guys, here's where I'll introduce myself and log my progress on this journey.

    A little background: I'm a male, 20-something, and a heavy porn-user for over a decade. Over the years I built up an extensive, varied, and meticulously organised collection of downloaded porn. I PMO'd around once a day, but more when I was unemployed. Some days I edged for hours, viewing while surfing and adding new material to my download queue.

    I decided to quit last Wednesday, for good. This choice was influenced mostly by watching Gary Wilson's TEDx Talk [1], and reflecting on my long term plans, desires, and lifestyle. I've recognised some of the symptoms of porn addiction in myself: lack of confidence, escalating fetishistic porn tastes, loss of pleasure in other, ordinary activities. I haven't noticed ED in myself, but I've never been with a real woman so I don't know how I'd stand up to the real thing.

    Other undesirable things I want to get rid of: porny mental associations, porn flashbacks, and dreams about porn. I also read that kicking the habit can re-vivify one's dreams. I'd very much like that.

    I want more time and energy to spend on creative projects (making videogames). And I want to enjoy a real relationship.

    I have tried nofap challenges in the past, just to test my self-control. My record was 21 days, but I still looked at porn. Now I have a real reason to quit; it's not just a pointless challenge. I think this will give me the edge.

    I'm going for the 90-day reboot. After that, I'll fap whenever I feel like it, but not with porn.



    Monday, 6 days into my reboot. Feels okay. I've deleted most of my porn 2-3 days ago. But I did a silly and risky thing, I picked out some files to keep, just in case of 'emergency'. No such thing. I'm deleting the rest now. (But I'm keeping some things that contain porn, but not with easy access. Might be wise to delete them. Might post about them later.)

    Feeling ambivalent about destroying my beloved collection. Windows is chewing through my files as I type. There's stuff in there I haven't seen yet.

    I've noticed myself being more aware of attractiveness of ordinary women. That feels pretty good.

    [1]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU
     
  2. MikesB

    MikesB Member

    Re: New Territories

    NewTerritories, welcome to the comunity!
    I know how you feel about deleting the porn you've downloaded. Even it's a really long time since I've deleted mine I still have the same feeling. It took me a lot of time to make my favourite collection! It was necessary. Fortunately I'm sure, I won't need it, because I want real life with real women. I guess you want the same ;)
    Good luck! :)
     
  3. pizzaman

    pizzaman New Member

    Re: New Territories

    welcome new territories.

    sounds like you want to get better and are taking some good steps.
    Keep posting here when you have the time.
    there's some good support and in my opinion nobody can kick this thing alone.
    we all need help from time to time or in my case most of the time.


    -pizzaman
     
  4. JJ

    JJ New Member

    Re: New Territories

    Congratulations on beginning your reboot! It's always an awesome feeling to take control of one's life! Keep posting, you'll be happy you have the record somewhere to look over as you progress through your reboot.
     
  5. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Thanks for the encouragement, guys.

    Today at work I felt tired, got a few random boners. No noticeable change from the usual. Possibly, I was even more asocially inclined today.
     
  6. arrayowl

    arrayowl New Member

    new territories,

    I also saw the same video. That was my wakeup call. I am starting my reboot today. I know what its like to have a collection of favorites on a drive. Not sure what I should do with mine but for the moment, its locked away, out of sight out of mind type thing.

    Good luck with your reboot.
     
  7. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Congratulations, new guy! It takes lots of courage to do what at first is hard to do, but needs to be done regardless. I know deleting all the porn was a hard thing to do, but once you did that, from my experience, you feel much better, and the dopamine reproduces and repopulates.

    Good luck!
     
  8. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    About 1 week into the reboot. Today was a productive day at work. But I also noticed myself being distinctly more aroused. Just from idle thoughts. I also notice I'm thinking more about quitting porn than I used to think about porn, most days back before quitting.

    I'm feeling more desire for actual sex. But I've got economical stuff that needs sorting out before I start dating. Maybe trying 'casual' hookups would be wise. I ain't paying for hookers.

    Mood: resolute. I don't see this reboot going off-track at all. I see porn thumbnails everyday on the web, though. I just don't expand or dwell upon them. I still haven't shifted my extra time/energy into anything. Just idle net-browsing... I plan to start waking up early and making use of the early mornings.
     
  9. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Day 8. Getting distinct... cravings, let's call them. Just tried to recover a particular portion of my deleted porn. It didn't work. Starting to reconsider my decision: how about just once a week? Just non-photographic porn? Don't ask why, you know why: the sheer bloody pleasure of it. Still going to do the reboot, for self-knowledge if nothing else.

    Walking around feeling I've got my urges under control feels pretty good. I see other people in the street and wonder when's the last time they got their release. I don't think that would be a good conversation starter.

    Now I will explain what I mentioned in my first post, the 'things that contain porn'. They are erotic visual novels (VNs). These are, for the uninitiated, a type of interactive ebook with illustrations and audio, mostly developed in Japan and sold as PC games. They contain a novels of text, hours of reading time: they are stories. Stories with sex scenes in them. The nature of these scenes is largely, clearly (from the styling, the detail and duration) made-to-be-wanked-to porno. (There are non-porn ones too, of course. I've read some nice ones of those.)

    This is the one type of porn I've paid money for.

    When I first discovered them, I consumed them voraciously. Didn't usually fap to the sex scenes, I'd just read through... most often skimmed and skipped through. The writing and dialog tended to be offputting. And sometimes the drawings are pretty poor. I haven't read much of any recently. Reading all those words is such a bother if you just want a quick release. (Well, there are titles that do cater for this, but those aren't the ones I'm into. But there is typically unlockable quick access to already-encountered scenes.) They have failed to hold my intereest like they used to. Dunno if it's cause they've gotten worse, my tastes have changed, I've tired of stoopid anime tropes, or other porn has sucked all the fun out of this activity(!). I've been reading superior science fiction as of late.

    It's still basically about fapping to a glowing rectangle, about collecting a harem of imaginary women. The pattern of usage differs from free-form web porn surfing though, in that there's no direct control over what you see next, the timing, the juxtaposition. You're driving on rails (with a few decision points) you're pushed through a narrative arc, a build-up, a conclusion. That's part of the point: to simulate a developing relationship. One thing a large segment of these works try to do is make the reader cry. Oh yeah. That's my thing.

    tl;dr I'm gonna jerk it to videogames while crying in 82 days
     
  10. hye345

    hye345 New Member

    Hang in there bro. The 2nd week for me is the hardest one so far: the cravings just won't stop!

    You just gotta distract yourself: boredom is your enemy, at least at the early stages. Your reptilian brain will try to trick your rational brain, and it will succeed if you let it! In those moments where you find yourself thinking "Well, one time won't make a difference...", or "This was an impossible undertaking, I should quit right now!": you have to call bullshit on your brain. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it happens a lot with addiction. You just gotta ride it out.
     
  11. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Day 9. Today I heard a song on the radio and it reminded me of some porn music, and a particular old porn video with terribad story and acting.

    I also recalled a rather vivid and detailed dream. Coincidence, placebo, or is this thing truly effective in that area? The experience, or the memory, went some way to rekindling my desire to return to my practice of oneironautics and lucid dreaming. Another perfectly self-indulgent hobby... but one that requires self-control.

    My Addictive Voice has been in further consultations with my faculty of rational deliberation. Last night we downloaded several old and new porn comics with the intent of fully using them... after the 90 days. But before I jump back into instant gratification, I intend to explore my rebooted experience of VNs.

    Still haven't M'd, even while grabbing the porn. The reptilian brain isn't supposed to be able to think long-term, these negotiations shouldn't mean anything to it. But whateva. Fortunately my job keeps me busy.

    One other reason I tried to do the nofap before, aside from pure challenge, was to increase the intensity of pleasure for when I... ended the break.

    Over the past several years I've maintained a rough record of how often I MO'd (typically with P). Maybe soon I'll get round to processing and formatting this data.

    My other hobby is videogames. Haven't played any for a week. No, I'm not trying to quit those or anything else.

    Mood: I want to play videogames.

    Update: Looked at some porn images. Didn't M, though. Still, this ain't rebooting properly if it's just an extended nofap. I want to do it right... I'll keep the counter going anyway. Tempted to troll for a 'partner' on cam sites, at least it's a real person behind the glowing rectangle... but that won't be conducive to rebooting. I'll only be able to find dudes anyway...

    [...]

    Day 10. Went to sleep a short time ago. Had a wet dream. Can't remember any details. Messy.

    [...]

    Still Day 10. After I went back to sleep, I had another rather vivid dream. I gotta start writing these down again. I'm a little drunk right now. Tempted to go and fap on webcam sites. But I won't, not yet.

    [...]

    Day 11. Looked at more porn this night. But still didn't fap. Man, I'm doing this wrong, this ain't no reboot. I'll have to keep separate counters rolling. Day 1 of noporn.
     
  12. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Day 0, all counters reset. Undeleted some of my finest porn and, yeah.

    On reflection, the nofap is the easy part for me. I put too much emphasis on that. The porn is the real issue.

    Aiming for 90 days again. So the target is 2nd of November.
     
  13. JJ

    JJ New Member

    Don't beat yourself up, relapses happen. You're starting fresh now with more experience and determination. You know what to expect.

    Good luck! Delete that porn (so it can't be undeleted)! :)
     
  14. MikesB

    MikesB Member

    JJ is right. Delete it so you can't restore it. I'm interested in IT and therefore I can't just delete it in Windows. Once I was looking fo some file and found some porn from my collection. I guess that all of you know what happened... Of course I relapsed... For every video I found. :D Now it seems funny to me. :D

    If you failed, just go on. Don't blame yourself. Just continue your journey. ;)
     
  15. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    I relapsed, and totally reversed. Or course I rebuilt another formidable porn collection. Back to my old ways for a couple o' months. Y'know.

    Deleted it all just now. Felt easier this time. Because I'd done it before, with the same intention? Or because I know... I'm pretty good at finding stuff. I could get it (or the equivalent) back whenever I want. Not planning to, of course...

    Trying the ol' reboot again. Day 1. Target day is February 10 2013. Here goes.

    This weekend I will be away on a trip, with colleagues, so I'll have no opportunity to PMO. Might as well use that opportunity and get a head start from today. While sleeping I'll probably jizz in my pants in the hotel bed... I'd better put tissues down my pants before I sleep on those nights.

    Day 3. Began the day with a fap... but not to porn. Not to anything. Except in the middle I was reading some shitty posts on craigslist. I finished in the bath.

    That was a waste of time. Resolution: don't do that in the morning before work.

    This morning I did something else: started running software on my PC to make my deleted files unrecoverable (at least by myself with the technology I have access to). That's done. It's all gone.

    General notes: have noticed being attracted to real women. Mostly at work. Random not-entirely-appropriate fantasies have sprung to mind. Not planning on following through on any of those. My policy is not to get involved with colleagues.
     
  16. JJ

    JJ New Member

    Hope you are doing well, if you find it hard to resist going out looking for new porn to download, you might want to consider a porn blocker like K9 protection suite. However, it would be better to resist it on your own that way you'll establish a conscious, healthy behavior pattern.

    Keep us posted!
     
  17. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Just got back from the trip, didn't jizz my pants or anything! This weekend I hardly thought about the nofap/noporn thing. On my previous try, it occupied my mind a lot. I also had the opportunity to relapse (hotel wifi + portable computer) but that idea hardly came to mind.

    Here's an annoyance. There's one porn directory left on my hard drive. There's nothing in there. Some error is stopping me deleting it or opening it.

    Today, few minutes ago. I looked to see if a certain awaited porn video was available. It wasn't. I also M'd while looking through Craigslist listings for casual sex etc... Last orgasm was Wednesday.

    PMO relapse. Cam site -> video site. Oh well.
    Better avoid the cams altogether. Even though it's real people in there... it's not good enough to do the job, and it just tempts me.

    Bad week. Relapsing like a motherfucker. In other news, trying online dating sites again.
     
  18. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Online dating (read: just browsing dating sites) is probably not the best thing to do at this early stage of a reboot. At work I keep thinking of sex with colleagues. No good. I'm only on day 1! Flatline can't come soon enough.

    What do do instead? I think spending more time here would be helpful. Try to post more replies to other journals.

    I also want to channel by energies into productivity. Plan to do some art and essay writing this weekend. And clean my room.

    Still need to move out. I had this plan, which was to move out at the start of my 2nd serious reboot attempt. The idea was that a new environment would help break bad habits, along with the proximity to other people, along with a (private, not stated) commitment not to bring porn into the new place, along with taking advantage of the new, more private living situation to engage in actual sex (and the things leading up to it, 'dating' or whatever it's called now). Still seems like a decent idea to me. Just that particular location did not seem great.

    Mood: meh.
     
  19. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Another thing. When I was srsly relapsing between my two serious reboot attempts (this one and the one declared in my OP), I felt kind of... embarrassed... to come back here. Anyone else felt that?

    Also: no danger of PMO tonight, I'm too sick/allergy-reacting right now. Blessing in disguise? We shall see.
     
  20. JJ

    JJ New Member

    I'd take the embarrassment as a good sign. It's a good indicator of your seriousness and how much accountability is important to you. That said, you should never feel you can't come back. You don't have to fear judgement here, but it does keep you focused on the truth and to not lose your way. I've relapsed five times now by MOing, I've been clean from porn though since my first relapse. Though I don't post as frequently as I used to. I do it still to stay focused on my reboot.
     

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