Mapping new Territories: Part II

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by NewTerritories, Sep 1, 2017.

  1. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    This is the continuation of my previous journal thread, as I'm not in my 20s any more.

    Good things in my life: career is OK. Lots of things interest me, mostly intellectual subjects. Improving my fitness through regular calisthenics.

    Room for improvement: I need to do more activities with visible output: writing, making stuff, and developing social connections. I should find some IRL friendly associates outside of work. That includes dating.

    My dating life has been completely mediated through dating apps and sites. Not much success recently. When I get a girl's attention, I know what I've gotta do. Mostly.

    What's my deal with porn? In general, my use of it is mostly a waste of energy. I should be spending that energy in more productive ways. See above. There are specific undesirable effects of porn in sexual matters, I think, and I've written about them before. I'll write more later, as I learn more, and come up with more idle speculation.

    I'm in for nofap/noporn September. I'll fill this weekend with intellectual stimulation. And try chatting to the Tinder/Bumble matches I have... with an aim to set dates up for next week.
    Londoner, That_guy and chrism like this.
  2. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Though the wonders of technology, I've got a date for next week. And a date for the week after.

    Now: I'll have a walk. And do some writing.

    Edit: Neither of those dates happened.
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2017
  3. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    I keep a log in a Google Drive spreadsheet. I used my data to make this chart:


    Red dots are weekly total PMO-hours. Blue line is my counter of days fap-free.
  4. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    It's only been 1 day free from PMO. And I had a wet dream. That is not the usual pattern!

    Considering getting Tinder again, because I'm getting hardly any matches on Bumble. Just one. So, I have a date this week... first time in ages.
  5. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Had a porn dream. I went to my parents' house, and on their shelves they had a huge collection of porn DVDs. I was going to make a copy of one of them... then I went back, and the shelves were suddenly empty.

    Edit: it wasn't a wet dream. Didn't actually see some video content of the DVDs. Just covers, and felt I recognised the pornstars on them, but I can't recall any specific name.

    Other stuff happened in the dream, but recall is hazy.
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2017
  6. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Will I be able to beat that nice big blue peak? We'll see.

    This week I met some new people in various social circumstances. We'll see how those relationships develop (or not).

    I am feeling the urgency of getting back into creative hobbies. Connecting with others will be an important part of it, even though it'll be a solo pursuit, at least at first.
  7. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Last night the temptation was strong. Probably due to the alcohol I had. Then I had a wet dream, with explicit internet porn-surfing. I was dreaming of a relapse, and browsing porn in a non-private place, even! I was sorta trying not to get caught, but I didn't really care...

    Maybe the alcohol was a factor to cause the wet dream.
  8. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Bad day. Broke my streak. Had some anxiety. And boredom.

    Next week, work should be okay. But I need to do more than just my job, and get some creative writing done... it's been too long.
  9. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Was doing good this week... until yesterday. The trigger was amateur porn on twitter, linked to a person of note. I saw, realised this probably shouldn't be leaked on the internet anyway. Didn't realise that I was in a weak position then... went and looked at other porn. What should I have done then? Turned off the PC, gone and read more of Matt Fradd's book (highly recommended btw).

    Net browsing (including any endless media feed-scrolling) late at night, that's what I should be avoiding. Fortunately, I don't have a habit of doing that in bed. In bed, I read (e)books until I drop off to sleep.
  10. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    The cycle:

    boredom -> porn use -> anhedonia -> boredom

    I need to discipline myself back to my productive hobbies, even when they're not experienced as utterly compelling...

    On weekends, I gotta plan more of my days. Some stuff I reliably do (laundry). I'm not doing enough fun stuff, like building stuff...
  11. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    No PMO this week. But I've drank a lot. All of it has been 'social'. I have an opportunity to go and be social again this weekend... which doesn't necessarily mean it'll involve alcohol. But drinking will be encouraged.

    I had a Tinder date earlier this week. Didn't drink much then, but it all adds up. It was a pleasant enough first meeting. But in the end, I didn't interest her (I got a rejection reply via text). I suspect what was flawed in my approach was, partly, a lack of expression of my own interest. The date amounted to a nice friendly discussion, without a hint of sensuality. I think that turned her off. If she didn't think I liked her, then why would she want to meet me again?

    DID I like her? I would have liked to got to know her more. She seemed attractive enough. So why didn't I show that? Because I never do that. I behaved as I always do. I don't know any other way to be...

    But I think this has happened on dates before.

    What if I had put some sexual energy into my approach? I don't know if that would turned out for a better time for both of us. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I'll have to learn, practice, fail...
  12. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    On a day 5 streak. Got through the weekend by going out more than usual, and mostly staying off my bedroom PC. Getting a bunch of recent matches on Tinder/Bumble lifted my mood, which was dampened by a bit of illness. It was a hard week of work too. Next will be similar...
  13. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Day 5. Had a porn-related dream this morning. But not a wet one, thankfully!

    Making some big changes, career-wise. And I have lots of free time for a while, so I'll need self-discipline to manage my days productively.

    Had a date last night. Got lots of recent activity on Tinder... we'll see what happens.

    ETA: I am concerned about whether my beauty standards are too high or distorted. I have a few times been disappointed by the girl's appearance, on a first date. Sounds bad. Sorry, it's true! It almost certainly affects how I behave on the date. Perhaps it has the opposite affect as the phenomenon discussed here. If I'm less interested, I show less interest. Aggressively going in for quick intimacy (lol) is the last thing I'll try.

    I'm aware that a big problem with me on dates is a deficiency of sexual energy. If I'm not feeling it, well, I'm not inclined to fake it. If I am interested, I do not know how to really express it without descending into downright barbarous conduct. I suppose I'll read some advice and try to use my brain to separate the good stuff from the bullshit.

    Edit 2. Possible solutions?

    - Wait for the effects of porn to fade down though lack of contact, and rewiring to real women by socialising, going on lots of dates.
    - Date more attractive women (!)
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2017
  14. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    If you abstain from porn for a longer time your beauty standards will decrease. Even more important you'll see that there's much more to a girl and a relationship than physical beauty which is a gift for a short amount of time anyway as we all get older. So your priorities in that respect will probably shift at least a bit and this will bring you much more satisfaction and happiness. :)
    NewTerritories likes this.
  15. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    In the new year I am getting back into the dating game. So, I better prepare myself. Experience tells me I should anticipate disappointment, frustration. Knowing that this is coming, these feelings can't sneak up on me and unconsciously drive me back into the warm security blanket that is porn.

    But being so cynical, will that help me? Will it hurt me?

    I'm on day 12. Maybe the edge of higher sensitivity to sexual tension will... make the game more interesting. If I let it, if I take risks in that area. Risks like going for the kiss on the first date. Yes, this is a small thing for most 30 year olds. It's outside of my comfort zone.

    I don't treat dating like a matter of urgency. Never have, never will. I find it a fascinating object of study. To do justice in my examinations of it, I need to explore it more deeply with active participation.

    I'm keeping a private journal of how that goes.
    Thebeg likes this.
  16. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    I have a few new matches buffered in my 3 separate dating apps. I openly, cheerfully acknowledge the absurdity of this situation. Dating apps are no doubt a degenerate way to meet women. But I'll make do with the opportunities available to me.

    I am going to break with Doc Love's advice, which I've been recommending to folks around here--and I will continue to do so--for first dates. He says don't kiss until the second date. I say balls to that. Now, what I should do is state my resolute resolution to kiss some damn girls in the year of our Lord 2018.

    It's not that I didn't want to in 2017 and 2016. But I didn't. I haven't for many, many years. Why not?

    Well. First, I haven't been dating for many years. This little funny hobby is something I've newly picked up.

    So, why haven't I been doing it more recently? I've used Doc's advice as an excuse, fostering cowardice. What a shameful shame etc.

    I've had two second dates in my dating career, plus a third and fourth (sort of... more or less). I can't blame Doc for my pussying out on multiple occasions.

    - I felt that bending down to kiss this girl who was shorter would be awkward. Ridiculous in hindsight.
    - I felt that my date's insistence on paying for her food/drink and willingness to pay for my film ticket was a possible sign of non-interest, of an attempt to reimburse me for paying last time, to balance the books and bring our brief non-relationship to a clean close. This is my cynicism showing. I maintain that I wasn't making a wholly unjustified inference. But I could have chosen to consider the possibility that she's just a generous, equalitarian-minded person but still, possibly, interested in me. I didn't. Because I have low self-esteem. Because I'm not living up to my ideals (jerking off to porn that I'm convinced is harmful, etc.)
    - I broke Doc's rule about not going to see films on dates before she's my girlfriend, which made me feel demoralised. I still think this is an excellent rule... but I won't break it before the 4th date.

    A few posts back I mentioned my problem of sexual energy deficiency on dates. I guess some might call this 'repression'. I'm fine being like this, say, at work. But on dates, it's not appropriate! And I don't know what to do to fix it! I considered reading up some internet advice on the topic. But I've become wary of random internet advice, as in instructions of how to behave. I don't want to pretend. I want appropriate behaviour to naturally flow, out of genuine interest. Whatever that looks like, it'll be specific to my nature. So I won't need to put on a show, or a pretense. It won't appeal to every woman! And that's okay! I just need one.

    I think I'll look at some romantic art for inspiration. Romantic comedy films and love stories written by women, that seems like a worthy, non-corrupt source. Not zero-risk of corruption, but there never is.

    TO WRITE: how dating advice screws up everything.
  17. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Fapped while looking for a hookup. Not ideal, but still porn-free...
  18. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    No update for a while. I finished reading Matt Fradd's book again. I need something more challenging to read. And do.
  19. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    This is an idea that occurred to me reading several posts by guys reporting PIED. E.g. this. I don't know if this applies to his situation, or other situations, and I don't know if it'll help them, so I haven't replied to their posts. Or, at least not in detail. I'll just post it here:

    I question the notion that optimal male sexual health means being instantly ready to go at it with any attractive stranger. I see a suggestion of this dubious assumption in many of the PIED accounts here.

    Typical example: guy tries to have a one-night-stand. He has ED. This is disappointing, maybe upsetting, maybe the reaction is awful...

    Maybe the problem wasn't fundamentally the lack of hard dick in this situation. Maybe he should first get to know this girl, get comfortable with her, develop a relationship. Maybe anxiety was part of the cause of the ED. Maybe if they have something like a decent relationship, some deeper mutual interest, there will be less anxiety, and an occasional ED episode isn't going to kill them and their relationship. She's not going to be offended and abandon him. He's not going to fall into despair. They can laugh at the situation and try again later, because they like each other.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  20. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    Even a small amount of drinking can have harmful consequences for me. I will be more aware. Next week I'll drink only one evening (planned event).

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