Mal-Teeser's Porn-Begone Journal

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by Mal-Teesers, May 6, 2019.

  1. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    I think I have read Johnny Bravo's piece; is it 'Radical Self-Love'? That one is a very inspiring piece because it completely changed my perspective on the usage of PMO and it was what made me start to wonder about why I did it so much in the first place. Again, thank you for your commentary, it's absolutely lovely to see support on this forum and you've been doing amazing considering you just managed a month, today.
     
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  2. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Day 21

    This is quite surreal, to be honest.

    I managed to get to three weeks, already. It's been three weeks since I've not only stopped the usage of porn but also PMO in general - something that is harder to do than just porn, I've also regulated my internet, quit video-games, quit junk-food, and quit all sorts of things and it's already been three weeks. It's like as if I'm an entirely different person in perspective and even the people around me are noticing a change within me as a person.

    I've been thinking about how the use of PMO has always led me to question why the dopamine made us almost feel happy in a way - it was strange how that dopamine was like a reward system, and yet that reward system also felt like as if I was becoming happier in the process initially and then dropping back down like a sugar rush, and obviously with that sugar rush, there would be a sugar craving. The more I look at the effects of PMO and how it affected me in my life, the more I realise that the pursuit of happiness is key to actually defeating it rather than having the willpower to resist it.

    Obviously, willpower does help us and even allows some people to defeat their addictions because they don't need that happiness to deal with their lives and move on from the fix they get from the dopamine. However, the majority of us - including myself, don't have that willpower and ended up hooked on this dopamine fix we got from the usage of porn and everything else that we became addicted to. I realise, that in reality, the majority of things that lead to us becoming emotionally compromised/mentally compromised is because of the reckless pursuit of happiness rather than a true form of finding happiness.

    So, I looked back to the days when I was interested in romantic aspects, and obviously since I wasn't considered that kind of guy who would have people falling for him in that way, it was harder to deal with this aspect as the event at the end (the relationship/affection) actually leads to more happiness, at least in a healthy relationship. I looked at how I dealt with those days - and realised something in common with both my bad habits, this romantic aspect, and the addictions I had in the past: they were all involved with that dopamine/happiness fix.

    It befuddled me - and obviously, with the urges of PMO/other things I quit rolling in at times because I haven't completely rebooted yet, it was kind of eerie because it was almost as if everything that had made me emotionally compromised other than other types of upsetting events, was in common with the desire of happiness or that dopamine fix.

    In other words, the reason why I was hooked onto these addictions and was so emotionally/mentally compromised, was because of that dopamine fix - because it gave me an artificial happiness that I wanted to have, and the true form of happiness couldn't ever be there within me unless I quit these addictions and went forward with my life to do the things I wanted to do, to push myself and surpass my limits. My entire life has been arid with obstacles because of the desire of that fake happiness and it trapped me within a cycle of PMO and addiction, like as if it was just holding me down and never letting me go.

    It stunned me when I realised that because it was like the answer I needed to explain why everything went wrong in my life previously: I was so lacking in happiness because of the lack of pursuit for my true desires and goals, that I went toward PMO/romance too, in a sense, become addicted to an artificial happiness that would make me feel better about myself, keeping me complacent for so long.

    Ever since I've quit PMO - although there are urges and flickers of events I used to want to happen - I have been going for things that I have truly wanted in life and now it has begun to make me happier as a person. For example, I've been physically pushing myself, I've been pushing myself out of the comfort zone constantly, I've been helping people with their lives and inspiring them to do good within the world, and although that doesn't make me a good person at all, it has made me happier and more fulfilled because the feeling of something lacking in life has started to be filled up. I feel more sympathetic, more compassionate, more willing to do the things I want to do, and it's been easier for me to stand up for myself and fight for what I want to do.

    I wouldn't say something like - oh, I'm a whole another person, now. I think it's going to be a long time before I become the best version of myself that I can be, but this version of myself and my life is amazing compared to the unfulfilling and melancholic way of living I had when I was addicted to PMO/video games/junk food/the internet, etc.

    It's almost been a month, so I'm finishing this month off and then going for the rest of my life without these addictions and habits.

    I don't need them - and I wouldn't ever go back to those days of being a pitiful child who was hooked within a fake world that made life hell on earth.
     
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  3. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Day 22

    Urges for PMO are pretty much gone, despite the fact that I'm still fine with sexual aspects. It's weird to sort of have a possible flatline and yet everything's fine?
     
  4. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Enjoy this island of peace and quietness called flatline :).
     
  5. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Days 23/24

    Same as before - not struggling with PMO and life is becoming smoother without it.
     
  6. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    Yes, self-love and self-respect and having a warm relationship to one's self is what did it for me.

    Hypnosis was my 'tool' so to speak, but by that stage I didn't care if I quit porn or not; all I wanted was a better relationship with myself and be kinder to myself. Once this was practised, quitting porn was super easy.

    The paradox is, to quit porn from a place of self-love, you have to willing to look at it (and be kind to yourself). From what I read on the forum, as in, based on the style of writing and the style of expression, I think a lot of young men and older men just don't care for themselves nor want to be their own cheerleader. Self-respect and being kind and easy on oneself is a skill and needs to be mastered.

    But yeah, I think many men just want to say "There I did 3 months no fap" without re-writing their inner software or changing their relationship with themselves.

    The secret is, don't worry about whether you watch porn or not. Stop the direct efforts on the porn (just for now) and go back to the self. After a few weeks of this, try quitting the porn again; you will at least notice you have reduced your time watching it if the self-love is in place or you wont feel guilty any longer.

    I vividly remember one day as I was in recovery, I was watching a porn scene, and then out of nowhere, my brain just said to me, "Why on Earth is this even legal and allowed to be filmed?"- the scene was 'soft' and very basic, no kinky stuff. And yet I was horrified still by both the actor and the actress, and I remember thinking, "I would love to break their camera right now and punch the director in the nose and close down this industry."

    I feel sad for porn actresses. They are human. I have dated a woman who was directly involved in porn for a short while, and I could sense she was cold/had a shield up all the time. I just wanted to hug her and sort of be like a approving Father Figure for her because I sensed she was either really hurt in the past, or maybe just very scared of intimacy.

    Yes, after having intimacy with a real woman- as in just lying on the bed in her arms (with zero sex), one gets the realisation that the porn and smartphone industry has an agenda to destroy our brains and spirit.

    One could try meeting a real woman, and after feeling the significance and authenticity and vulnerability of a close partner, porn will be a ton easier to seize because you wont be getting the same spiritual high so to speak.

    Thanks for mentioning me in this post I just checked my account now.
     
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  7. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    If yourself or anyone else wants free email coaching, send me a private message and I can give you a very gentle daily formulae, as well as accountability.

    Online we are all ananoymous so it's a good means to practise being honest and real about what you really want in life.

    Porn is definitely evil for the brain. Not the subject, not the 'free-sex' ideals, no none of that old Church guilt conditioning that sex is bad or taboo or silly or to be made fun of.....No....

    People require downtime with phones.

    If you had to choose between escorts and porn- choose escorts.
     
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  8. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Day 1 (Sort of)

    I've finally done it.

    To be honest - I did end up relapsing. It wasn't exactly in a case of "Oh, I lost control of myself" relapse but rather a curious look into comparing how I felt about porn scenes now than I would before, which does end my first streak before the first month (a disappointment but oh well), but I've also managed to reach a resolution regarding porn and even other addictions that have once ruined my life.

    The good news is: I've literally managed to find a way to permanently get PMO out of the way for the rest of my life, pretty much. I realised that it was far easier to quit porn than it was before, and I was also disgusted at scenes of vanilla sex and what-not, which was amazing progress. I also noted changes in my thought processing during this time and they did become more extreme as things played out - which was also another interest note to acknowledge and think about.

    Another interesting thing is the fact that, although I did feel guilty (every man does - watching porn is sort of dehumanising in a way because it makes sex so fake and unreal compared to the actual thing), I felt less guilt than before and there was even only a small amount of shame stemming from it. But I did develop more respect for myself considering I now had the ability to regulate the use of PMO, unless I am extremely tired and weary, but other than that the use of PMO was no longer uncontrolled like an addiction but it now felt like going to the chippy and getting some junk food (like back in the days before I started this journal.)

    And after that, I managed to find my way of quitting PMO permanently. It took a long time to figure something out but I managed to do it and everything works perfectly - the urges are gone, and I'm literally sat here just typing away about porn and nothing sexual is even coming up in my thoughts over this. It's like I'm living in a dream, of sorts.

    You have no idea how much relief I have to know that I will never be controlled by porn ever again - or any other thing that managed to make me hooked upon it and addicted to such a thing, like video games or phones or even the internet. Initially, there was a temptation to just put another day on the counter, but I decided not to simply because lying isn't exactly going to help me here as an individual in the heart or in the mind. The truth always comes out, anyway.

    It's just almost unbelievable how much I have changed, mentally, even if there is a long way to go before I finally let go of the anger and shame that stemmed from porn and all these other mistakes that I made regarding these addictions/habits, and I may be a young adult but it doesn't mean that I didn't make mistakes I was not ashamed of - if anything, I was too ashamed of them to deal with them. It wasn't until I started to realise that millions of people across the world go through the same thing that I thought I could stand a chance - because although there were many who were enslaved by PMO, there were people who left it permanently and I wanted to be one of those people who managed to do the same.

    And even if I had gone on porn today, I came back from it with the ability to never use it or any other thing that I was addicted to ever again, which was worth it because if it ended up in this way - I would've done it again and just accepted everything. This whole idea of going against porn and all these other bad habits wouldn't have been possible if I didn't have the self-belief and determination to set things right, you know? And it was fine to go back to porn for that final time because it allowed me to realise that it wasn't really about how many days you could go without porn but rather how you live throughout those days - to accept yourself as a human being and learn from your mistakes.

    It was difficult to not fall to the urges AFTER the consumption of porn (for reasons above) but I managed to resist and then implement my strategy and now I won't have to worry about it happening again. It also affects my other habits such as video-games, junk food, phone-addiction, social media, internet addiction, and what-not as all of those things I have found a way to deal with, permanently.

    For some of these things - they're only regulated like phones, internet, but only via communication and projects rather than actual mindless scrolling like back then - but for the others? I'm never consuming them again, and it was worth it to go through the past few weeks/one-month figuring things out.

    It doesn't matter at all - what matters is that I'm slowly finding self-love, even if it's taking a REALLY long time to do so and the rest of my habits are pretty much dealt with. However, I will update the journal regardless to keep things updated and observe changes in mentality/behaviours/etc. I won, in fact, I managed to fight back and win against these addictions/PMO, which is something that millions of guys my age across the world aren't even close of pulling off.


     
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  9. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    I read every word. Well done.

    Especially this stood out for me,

    "....because it allowed me to realise that it wasn't really about how many days you could go without porn but rather how you livethroughout those days - to accept yourself as a human being and learn from your mistakes.

    Yes you have had a taste for what every man on this forum is genuinly seeking- self respect and love.

    I noticed you used a favourite word of mine, "human."

    To be a human and not pretend to be God or some advanced strong individual is.....manly.

    A "real man" if I can define has 3 qualities. It also applies to a "real woman" also:

    1. A man knows he is human. He is not a machine nor is he a Jedi.

    2. A man possesses dignity. He refuses to be anyone but himself and he has a gentle pride about this.

    3. A man knows he has flaws but also talents, and yet, he is ok with both. This is what is called "maturity."

    Well done. This post of yours has made my day.
     
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  10. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    That is why I am against counting days.

    Someone who counts day, on some level, is 'waiting' or attempting to build themselves up.

    But counting days is akin to building a sandcastle; you will always be starting again and again because sand never lasts.

    Building a real castle requires a foundation of solidity. The solidity is self acceptance and ridiculous levels and intentions of self respect (yes even with engaging in an addiction).

    Until this foundation is set, all efforts are temporary.

    You have seen through the light. Take your time and trust your process.

    An indicator you are making progress is the notion of "I am no longer going to bothered about a porn watch."

    This is not apathy, that is radical self nurturing.
     
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  11. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Entry 1

    Same things as usual - no porn, addiction, etc. Things have been going well.
     
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  12. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Entry 2

    Again, I've been noticing that in times of stress, I've been able to handle my stress better. I still am really emotional as a person if I do lose my initial calmness but I think that is something that will be dealt with in time, so there isn't exactly anything to worry about.

    It's becoming less weird to live a life without having porn at the helm - I think there are times when my mind obviously tries to pull shit on me and find a method around the strategies I've dealt with, but they're becoming easier to deal with.

    So, in other words, I haven't done these following things since:

    Video Games: 23/04/2019 (A month! Holy shit!)

    Internet Addiction: 23/04/2019 (Regulated, but still a month!)

    Social Media Addiction: 23/04/2019 (Regulated, but literally half an hour a day for chatting with folks for a month!)

    PMO: 17-18/05/2019 (A week since I did that test relapse regarding self-acceptance)

    Junk Food: 23/04/2019 (I do eat one type of biscuit, but I don't have anything else.)

    And I have managed to achieve:

    * Conquer examination stress/test stress (was completely calm in my exams but was ill during one of them, yikes.)

    * Volunteered and helped more people (it's been taking a while to get used too but it has been great).

    * Get further out of my comfort zone (this whole thing is literally out of my comfort zone, come on)

    * Improve my communication/social skills and thus improve my ability to deal with situations

    * LITERALLY FIGHT BACK WITH ALL THESE ADDICTIONS, HOLY SHIT

    What I'm concluding overall for now until my next entry:

    Whilst I haven't developed any super-powers like everyone claims when they quit PMO, I think overall, I have developed a better sense of self-respect and self-love even if I am not 100% there yet - but I think that's fine. We don't need to be superhuman, nor do we need to be emotionless men who are strong all the time. Accepting our flaws, our identity, and then moving forward to do the things we want to do in the future is what makes us the best versions of ourselves we can possibly be, and I am becoming that version no matter how long it takes.
     
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  13. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Those are the real superpowers we need :)

    Great to see how you're handling this. Keep going!
     
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  14. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival

    @Mal-Teesers

    Well done.

    If you have the courage to be a regular human, then by Gods grace should you even be offered any super powers- refuse them all.

    Sadly and for some reason it has been marketed that quitting porn or reducing orgasm rate creates super powers.

    Its actually an ultra childish phrase isnt it? Logically look at the words- "super powers."

    And by this regard, someone who wants to quit porn, well, they kind of dont. They just want the super powers. If they could keep watching porn but have the super powers then they would!

    Imagine you did have the super powers say more energy or being a chick magnet. It still doesnt substitue self respect or self love.

    I agree totally with @Giglamesh. These are the only things you need and we men would like.

    If you take a look at my favourite Game of Thrones character, Tyrion Lannister, the reason he is so popular and graceful as a character is because he is NOT super man. He is just himself. And he respects himself despite flaws.

    This is a man worthy of modelling if you struggle to maintain self respect. Think Tyrion Lannister. He is his own individual and he sure has flaws and a messy history, and yet he is loved by fans the most.

    To be ordinary, to be a human, to just be a dude. This is the noble way. Well done and keep going strong. Youre doing 'super' well (lol).
     
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  15. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Thank you so much! :)
     
  16. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    When it comes to the public representation of "quitting porn benefits"; there's always this inappropriate level of superpower-ism displaced upon quitting porn, making quitting porn almost not authentic. People are not going to try to quit porn because they genuinely would prefer to quit porn over getting 'super-powers', at least most people who are trapped in the same vicious cycle we once were placed in ourselves, and I think that's tragic in a way because it blurs their sight from what is important - the reason why they became addicted. Many people in life like me became addicted to things like porn, video games, and what-not because they made us feel better about our lives - if anything, it made us avoid the reality that we are inside of. In a way, porn and video-games can be regulated provided the user doesn't misuse them as a source of 'feeling better'; otherwise, they'll get hooked.

    I think someone like Tyrion Lannister also fits within as an example here: he'd love to be a normal person (like for us we'd love to never worry about porn ever again and just live our lives and get super-powers), but he can't be a normal person just like we can't get those super-powers. In fact, what he does instead is go down a slow but tragic path of self-acceptance, and toward the end of the show he ends his arc and instead is held as accountable as any other human being. And although our paths won't be as tragic, what makes Tyrion Lannister and people who are fighting for a reason like us is that we both have something to fight and eventually accept - for him, it's the fact he'll never be considered as 'human' as Jaime Lannister or Cersei Lannister, for us - it's the entirety of who we are and what we have in life, which in turn will let us conquer what we're fighting just as Tyrion had towards the end.

    I think, once you start genuinely fighting against porn, you then begin to have a sense of: 'What am I doing in my life?' It starts to change you in a way, and recently, I haven't even thought of touching porn/temptations, and at worst, I'll only think of the past and then use strategies to prevent myself from getting stuck on it again. By doing so, you start to feel zen in a way, especially if you start meditating amongst those lines and practice mindfulness. But you can feel zen with or without mindfulness as, either way, self-acceptance gives you that feeling of zen/peace, which is key to winning in life.
     
  17. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Entry 3

    No relapses, no struggles with any addictions I was once under control of. This is just another step toward the right path.
     
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  18. Johhny Bravo

    Johhny Bravo Every temptation is another chance of life revival


    Yes the most human, and most non-perfect characters, are the most impressive.

    I even liked Jaime Lannister after he lost his hand, and the entire relationship he develops with Breanne. The reason he was so impressive, ballsy, and daring after he lost his hand is that he is now non-perfect; now a human. And even with losing his hand, he struts on forward and realises who he needs to be to live with himself in the world.

    'The Hound' is ultra human; his burned face and seeming ugliness or but mere illusions to the heart of gold he has. Again, non-perfect.

    Ned Stark is also pitted as not the perfect hero. A highly moralistic man, strength, a lion within, but even he does not have the talents for being cunning or seeing snakes in the grass, who stab him in the back later on. The reason he is so liked and hailed is because of his trust- not naivety.

    And let us not forget that one of the ultimate true heroes is a man with no balls literally.

    All of this is to paint the picture that there is tremendous grace accessible once we quit striving to become superhuman, and someone we do not wish to be (but society or status wants you to be), and just accept your fate and destiny here and now.

    "I watch too much porn and want to stop, and am doing my best."- for the man in this statement, as long as he knows in his heart he is doing his best, then every relapse so to speak is just character strengthening. Honesty is the kingdom here.

    To be a so called Brad Pitt, or whatever, is just boring to existence. Absolutely boring.

    Be 'the hound.' Be 'the imp.' These are the true heroes.

    Sorry for the poetic ramble. I have been waiting to write a piece somewhere on Game of Thrones. I didn't watch even a single episode until this year, and am impressed even beyond the cult mainstream following.

    whatever is mainstream and tending, I tend to have a distaste for. GOT is one of those exceptions. A highly significant series on how to be the kind of man you wish to be.

    I think its also a favourite because, in our age, vulnerability and true honesty is a rare thing face to face. To find people and characters that speak with such integrity is tough......But not impossible.
     
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  19. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Entry 4

    I've been, again, setting more things up and then looking to become proactive. Thankfully, this has been somewhat of a success and it has made life easier to manage and thus deal with in general - I do think that the challenges involved with life are still giving me some difficulty for stress management especially with the whole quitting PMO shenanigans but I am coping.
     
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  20. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Entry 5

    Almost three weeks in. I've been focusing on further developing my time with volunteering and jobs - also been working towards getting work experience on coding for a few small organisations and what-not. I've gone through some of the programs and managed to do quite well so fingers-crossed that I become good enough for it. Also, the volunteering organisation I'm volunteering for has an internship going on which I've been thinking of pursuing. I've also been focusing on becoming an ambassador for an educational organisation that I attend as well (with time-management being managed, of course) so again, things have been going quite well.

    Meanwhile, I've been focusing on improving my meditation and have been going through the variations out there - an app known as Calm has actually helped me quite a bit and has helped with tracking my time with meditation as well.

    I still haven't gone on games or social media, and PMO barely runs amok in my head nowadays. Sometimes it does when I use my phone every once in a while and I feel as if that's the only reason why it does because of the whole complication with phones and porn from a while ago.

    TL;DR:

    * More volunteering, more jobs.

    * Getting more work experience.

    * Internship, possibly.

    * Ambassador, possibly.

    * Meditation is a plus and no games/social media/PMO/junk food.
     
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