Mal-Teeser's Porn-Begone Journal

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by Mal-Teesers, May 6, 2019.

  1. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Day 1 - 13

    Hey there, I'm yet one another young guy who managed to get swept up in porn and the terrible addiction it is a few years ago. I've been addicted to this terrible habit since around 3-4 years ago; to say it has controlled me would be an understatement. To be frank, my views about sex are practically skewered because of porn and already I'm feeling a sense of 'need' to go back to it which makes things even worse.

    Perhaps, I ought to have a bit of a background check: I'm not exactly your normal guy who goes through life with normal interpretations or normal 'social' behaviours, sadly. I've learned to be as socially normal as I can be with what I have (it's kind of complicated to talk about but I think I'll talk about it when I have the confidence) and it makes having routines extremely hard to not stick to. If I stick to something or learn how to do something, I will almost never let go of it and it has made escaping porn even harder than it would be normally. I do work hard when it comes to education and am opportunistic for education-related things, but the problem is that I don't really have a social life nor do I act opportunistically towards things OTHER than education.

    In fact, I had a bit of a real-life struggle a few months ago and another close relative 'bit the dust' if you get what I mean. It's been quite the struggle and me living on this planet while they're gone is honestly the main reason why I'm doing this other than just to become free; it's to become a man - my own person - a person that I can accept without any false ideas of 'being perfect'.

    I've decided to write a journal regarding my "journey" to putting porn down for good: porn isn't the biggest thing I'm dealing right now (that would be beating my internet and video-gaming addictions too which have taken over my life as well but this is the "biggest" one short-term wise), but it doesn't mean porn is a casual thing to deal with. It's kind of like a massive thing in your head that keeps on talking shit at you, and you just let it talk shit. But I've, in other words, decided to stop that "thing" from talking shit if you get what I'm saying.

    Although I'm a bit of a wreck at the moment, I'm prepared to make this change and get this over with. I feel quite terrible, to say the least, but what the hell. I'd rather feel like shit for a year and escape this mess than feel okay forever with whatever porn is at this point. Being a well-adjusted person after going through a bit of a terrible situation wasn't what I intended as one of my "life-goals" but life is surprising, I guess.

    It was honestly quite hard today: I knew that men (and women or pretty much any person/basically any type of person) in our time always talked about how difficult it was to escape porn but I never thought it'd be this hard considering this was the first time I've tried to put it down for good - and although there have been previous attempts, it never began as badly as this one did. I did the usual schoolwork, the chores, the what-not. I found it quite weird because routine is my thing (it's quite awkward to explain so I'll probably talk about it later on) and all of a sudden things changed to this extent permanently. It was like going from: "I'll play video games, go on the internet, and porn" to "have an actual life other than boxing, coding and going on expeditions a few times a year."

    But damn, I still feel like shit. It's just, you know, thinking about porn all the time makes you feel a little guilty. I'm, what, not even in my 20s and I'm already messed up over shit? Ouch. No wonder I didn't have any romantic things going on of that sort.

    But I still managed - and holy shit, that made me feel a little bit positive.

    Let's see if things are the same tomorrow.

    Sorry about the swearing, though. I really must've gone quite far back to be so vulgar - I honestly just think there's something more to the problem than just porn, but I'm not sure.

    - MalTe -
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2019
  2. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Welcome to the board! Looking forward to your updates. If there's one place you can swear it is here ;).

    Unfortunately the - 19 section is a bit quiet. I hope you keep posting anyway, then more people will follow!

    I hope the administrators @YBR-Admin can take out all those spam messages from this section.
     
  3. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Thank you for the message: things have been rather hectic since the change from PMO to going permanently cold-turkey is a big difference, to say the least. It's good to see that the forum is still alive, even if like you said, the - 19 section is quiet.
     
  4. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Day 14

    Once again, things have been rather hectic considering I have only been out from PMO for two weeks, having started forum entries yesterday which would've made my thirteenth day. I don't know if this is a particular effect or not, but I've recently become a lot more enthusiastic about boxing and exercise in general than before and it's rather refreshing. Usually, I'd go through a few tough drills and what-not but I really pushed myself today and it's made me quite happy with the result.

    There are still urges to, well, go through PMO but weirdly since I've managed to regulate the internet and the phone as well the urge to go on porn has almost virtually stopped. I don't know if this is a 'first surge' effect where my brain just doesn't register the lack of dopamine fix going through the system or if it's my increase in exercise and communication with other people.

    Speaking of communication: I'm weirdly becoming less of an introvert? Well, I still prefer introverted ways of living and sticking to myself but I'm genuinely enjoying interacting with people more often and apparently, I've been 'confident' and a bit 'nice' as well. Of course, I wasn't exactly a pleasant person prior to my change from PMO so I guess people still think I'm sort of an asshole which is honestly understandable because I was an asshole. I still am one, but it's more because I struggle to not be selfish all the time - even if there are moments when I outright feel for other people. Anyway, I did a presentation or two without any notes or prompts and somehow I went through it feeling calm - but I was nervous before then, which is also strange because everything felt nonchalant at that point.

    I think, though, I'm feeling guilty because I'm recognising how much of an asshole I've been to other people and myself - I've always made excuses for the mistakes I've made and pushed things onto other people when I should've accepted those responsibilities and just accepted my own faults. I've recently tried to be a better person and interacting with people seemed to be easier now, even if there's still that 'tone' of people expecting me to be an asshole, which again makes sense because change just doesn't happen. Change takes time - just like everything in life - and to see it begin to happen in just two weeks is amazing but somewhat unrealistic in my view because isn't life supposed to be a lot harder than this?

    Maybe, life isn't as hard as I think it is. It's obviously 'hard' but it's not as terrible as I've made it out to be in the past because I have friends, family, and all sorts of things that people in all parts of the world would beg for hours to have. It's honestly, again, made me realise with guilt just how ungrateful of a person I've been.

    But, as someone I've talked to recently said: 'It's better late than never.'
     
  5. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    It is not even late. Life is a continuing learning curve. You're doing great. I wish I was that mature at your age. Urges will decrease and increase in intensity and so will the way you experience life, but with this attitude I am sure you'll manage really well.
     
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  6. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    As much as I appreciate the compliment, I don't think I'm a mature person just yet. I'm currently struggling with battling the thoughtlessness I'm so used to and it is quite an annoying thing to deal with - how I was so thoughtless over other people, even my own family, is beyond me but again there is a reason why I'm here. But, again, half of the battle with porn/internet/social media/video gaming is not believing them to be horrible addictions but rather like stopping yourself from eating junk food.

    To be frank, though, I think this is more than a battle against those things. It's more of a learning curve - we have time to learn as people no matter our ages and even if there are moments where we act childish and thoughtless, it doesn't mean we can't get back up and do the right thing. This, if anything, is more than a battle against those addictions - for me, the real battle is taking my life back and building myself to become someone I can respect wholely. Sure, all these "addictions" that feel hard to face right now are a big deal for us because they drain our lives away and have destroyed the lives of many in awful ways, but changing my life to this extent is the hardest thing I'm facing right now. It feels somewhat impossible but it really isn't, and I'll be damned if I haven't got this far at my age to become a wreck again.

    Besides, I'll be able to live my life without being hooked on overhyped crap which is better than pretty much 90% of people.
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  7. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Day 15

    It's currently night-time and I'm happy to say that I've managed to successfully go through PMO for half a month now. To be somewhat frank, it sounds weird to say something like that considering how ridiculous a life without PMO sounded back then, which made sense because porn was an integral part of my life when I was younger. However, I think it will be a long time before my brain completely reboots and rids me of the thoughtlessness I have of other people in my life.

    I've been noticing that in my conversations, people are explaining to me about the questions I ask to greater detail and I'm wondering if this is because I am becoming more forward/confident with myself as a person or if it is only because of a previous change in lack of PMO. Does a lack of PMO cause you to change subconsciously or something because things have felt somewhat different, lately? Sure, there is the anger and shame I feel and I do tend to act irrationally due to this but I think it's slowly becoming less prevalent in my life. At times, of course, I can act childishly and people have picked up on that which has made me realise an easy way to figure out how you're doing: all you have to do is analyse how they are in the moment and just ask them right there - it's not like you just suddenly ask about it, it's more like you can notice precisely when you should or shouldn't ask about how you're doing.

    Anyway, I've taken up a particular interest in meditation and considering my past attempts in working at meditation, I've been wondering lately if I should try it once again. It used to fluctuate between me picking it up out of interest but then dropping it due to a lack of patience, but lately with the changes in attitude and the lack of PMO/internet/video games/pretty much any other addiction I've listed here, perhaps this one might be of the right timing? Apparently, there are a few types of meditations out there which follow the chi/energy principle and it has helped some people massively, so maybe it's time to pick up the old hobby again.

    Overall, I think there have once again been improvements even if they're small, but I'm wondering if I should start doing some research into other things that can help me as much as meditation and making a journal. I ought to also improve the intensity with my boxing and running too.
     
  8. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Day 16

    Same as always; managed to deal with the temptations for PMO but it's slowly getting easier to resist it. I'm also starting to communicate with others in a way that's more thoughtful rather than automatic - but in general, this was a pretty good day and I got the job done.
     
  9. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Day 17

    Only four more days left until the third week is done and honestly, looking to pull off no PMO for a month is actually looking quite realistic this time around. The thought of doing so back then seemed laughable, but now it's something I can look forward to and hope for.

    I think, though, there is definitely something more to why I wanted to consume PMO in the first place. Of course, I wanted the sexual stimulus, but I think it's about something else: being in control. Being in control and taking ahold of my life is something that I always think about, and now that I've finally started to be successful with no PMO/no video-games/social media etc, I feel like I'm more in control with my life. I feel as if there's a sense of clear direction for me to go but deep down there are even more problems than I thought.

    I'm going to look into that; perhaps I can give myself more goals?
     
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  10. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Although a clear goal will give your mind focus, too many goals can work against you. @Thelongwayhome27 wrote something interesting recently about being sparesome with willpower. Give yourself the time and patience for this. Now you may be in flatline, but urges will probably hit hard again sooner or later. You're doing great, keep going :)
     
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  11. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Good to see you again, Gilgamesh.

    Although I'm quite satisfied with possibly finding the flatline phase this early in, I've been rather cautious considering the whiplash effect we tend to get from a post-flatline phase during our no-PMO runs because I don't want a relapse to sneak up on me. I've been practising my meditation as well as teaching myself how to 'disconnect' from fantasies/thoughts - is it possible to find it harder to learn how to disconnect quickly rather than actually abstain from PMO?
     
  12. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Day 18

    I've reached the point where I don't need filters to resist the idea of going on the internet during times when the internet filter actually allows me to go on the internet - and it's also helping with my anti-PMO too. I am noticeably contemplating about PMO and how it ended up affecting me earlier in life but, at the same time, I'm thinking less sexually about things.

    I also recognise, however, that I need to find another way to entertain myself when I'm done with the work I needed to do in the evenings. Maybe I need to start reading as a hobby? It's a respectable hobby and, with the right books, you can learn many lessons about life that you wouldn't need to learn personally with any consequences whatsoever. Sure, I already read the news and research about science and politics but I think reading books would give me the opportunity to decrease my overall internet time and also enhance my willpower.

    Meanwhile - I started a few individual projects regarding coding and boxing. I want to use the time I have constructively, and although too many goals can be a deterrent, there's no harm to doing a few things that can enhance the quality of my life. I've also started making strategies to deal with a potential 'flare-up' during my anti-PMO journey which will definitely help as well. There are moments when they come up but it's usually a few seconds worth rather than something worrying - which helps because it gives me the opportunity to test strategies and in the case of an emergency, I can rely on myself to do the right thing.

    Speaking of which: I came to a conclusion about why I was addicted to porn and other things. It was because I felt like I was in control and there was nothing to suggest there was anything "wrong" with it. I felt like a different person, something I could accept, rather than the reality that I really didn't have a life, in terms of actually doing things. I had boxing and coding, as well as school/exercise, but before this journey, I had been nothing but a no-good lazy child. I think it was when reality hit me during one of my failures did things start to change.

    But the main reason why that change started to happen was that I was finally able to face the fact that I - in reality - was the epitome of a child rather than an actual man. I didn't have a girlfriend (not that any person should ever be seen as a stepping stone - but the fact that I never had a girlfriend made me wonder about why), I didn't really have a social life, nor was I actually contributing to anything. And I think that anger, that shame was finally enough to break the cycle for enough time to start fighting back.

    What I wanted was not porn, but self-acceptance. I wanted to one day be able to look in the mirror and acknowledge myself as someone who could be respected, who was respectable and would be reliable when he was needed. Even when I have made almost unbelievable progress in my war against PMO/internet/video-games/junk food, there is still that feeling of wanting to push myself beyond my limits. At first, I saw that feeling like a disease, an error because it went against the reality I thought I had. But since I stopped PMOing and all the other addictions, I began to see it as the cure because all it showed me was the truth: it showed me the way to being the person I wanted to be.

    Defeating my addictions was the 'permission slip' to love myself, but now my true goal is to not only defeat my addictions but to also win the war against self-hatred.

    I'd say, overall, that although I haven't gone through any life-changing prospects yet, it's clear that I am slowly changing my mentality as well as my attitude to life in general. Life does seem hard now - and it will get harder - but if I can shut down PMO/internet/video-gaming/junk food/other things holding me back etc, there's no way in hell I can't give this my best shot.

    I owe this to myself to do the right thing.
     
  13. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Very inspirational post. Thanks for sharing!
     
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  14. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    It's no problem at all, Gilgamesh. I hope to see you succeed with your own no-PMO journey as well - you're an inspiration.
     
  15. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Day 18

    I started volunteering today - I was quite nervous considering it involves mainly talking to people and communicating on a level that normally most people wouldn't be able to personally. I think, however, that the volunteering I did has changed me and made me realise something about life.

    When it comes to self-love; you need to grateful for what you have and for who you are. You could lose anything in any moment - and to converse with the people who have gone through pain I couldn't imagine had me stunned from their willingness to succeed and power through life despite what they've gone through. I don't know if I'll ever be as strong as them, but what I know is that I will try to live life to the fullest and kick PMO's ass.
     
  16. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Day 19

    Once again, I'm succeeding in kicking PMO's ass along with the other addictions I have. The only issue for me so that, interestingly, that I'm lately a lot more peckish and eating a shitton of food compared to back then. Luckily, most of it isn't junk-food other than the chocolate biscuits that I am over-enthusiastic with eating. I suppose that's a sign of my willpower being exhausted, though. Ought to be cautious.

    I've been thinking though: I definitely have made my mind up about making reading one of my hobbies and I'm currently ordering some books as I make this entry, and I currently haven't made my mind up. There's a lot of books to choose from and all of them are actually quite interesting, which is surprising considering I wasn't exactly a bookworm when I was younger.

    Also, I have been looking into going to the gym for weightlifting. The thought of going to the gym rather than just boxing/doing runs is a bit crazy considering all the reputation the gym has, but I think it'll be good for me because it will definitely boost my confidence and my willingness to push myself physically. And hell, if I've been pushing myself to volunteer and work hard in my studies, kick my addictions in the ass for almost THREE WEEKS straight, I reckon I can pull off going to the gym.

    Overall, things are going the same. I'm helping more people via volunteering, and then spending less and less time on the internet and doing useless crap, which is a lot better than back then. I'm not saying my life has been massively changed or anything, but holy hell, the thought of PMOing back then actually being something I'd do is honestly laughable.

    Peace out!
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2019
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  17. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Me neither. What really boosted my reading was buying an e-reader, making it so easy to read anything everywhere.

    Nice job on the volunteering. I did that for a while cause I didnt find my job fulfiling enough. Now too busy, but will definitely pick that up sooner or later.
     
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  18. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Thank you. Volunteering was a bit of a weird thing at first but it kind of grew on me as I kept on doing it the first day - it was surprisingly refreshing to be honest. I'm not sure about buying an e-reader because I don't go on the internet as much as I used too, though.
     
  19. Mal-Teesers

    Mal-Teesers New Member

    Day 20

    I'm unsure if I am in my flatline phase yet because although I am not getting urges/temptations to undergo PMO, I am actually still having healthy sexual desires and everything seems to be quite normal. In fact - it's almost like I am becoming more appreciative of sexual aspects within life and my perspective regarding people, in general, seems to be improving. No longer do I have absurd fantasies about sex the majority of the time, and even then, these fantasies aren't similar to porn and it's getting easier to disconnect from those thoughts. I'm still waking up with what they call 'morning wood' and still get erections and what-not, so I'm wondering if I am really going through a flatline or if I am actually rebooting pretty quickly considering my previous amounts of PMO usage.

    I've also noticed that, lately, I've been more sympathetic/empathetic with others? It's quite difficult to explain; it sounds weird because not many people really say something like: "Quitting my PMO/other addictions made me more sympathetic/empathetic", but instead talk about things like: "I feel more confident, I feel like I've improved with women, etc" because that's usually what the changes are for them. For some reason, things like volunteering and going on the forum/quitting my addictions has sort of helped me develop a sense of respect for the problems and difficulties people have in life. There are practically millions of people who are trapped under the same addictions as I am, who weren't volunteering, or even enjoying the lives they have made for themselves, and yet I am the one out of all of them who just managed to break out.

    Back then, before quitting PMO, it was kind of like I was blaming everyone else but myself and not accepting the responsibilities we have for our actions. I know that is personal, in a way, because that's talking somewhat beyond PMO and the point of these forums - but in the end, isn't this journey of defeating PMO personal to ourselves? The journals we make on this forum are already personal because we're letting in some of our own thoughts and feelings regarding PMO, as well as our suffering from that war against PMO.

    Which brings me to my point: I think that quitting PMO changes your perception/interactions with women and thus the improvements that most people get because of the changes they get from rebooting - it's like waking up from the nightmare that is PMO, and when we've woken up, it's like we are now the versions of ourselves we've wanted to be for so long. That sense of rebooting not only causes you to be free from PMO - I think it can literally change your perception of how everything works in life and thus it changes/improves the interactions you have with everything else. PMO had been imprisoning me for so long, that when I managed to finally break out, I've suddenly grown so much as a person. It's like my world has, sort of, flipped itself upside down.

    I think, that I should look into this and keep on adding entries about this 'change' in terms of say, 100-365 days. I'll, once in a while, just keep an entry about how my perspective/perception of people and the world around me has changed and then see if there's anything concrete within them, because if there is, then I could find something really interesting about how I was trapped under porn for so long.
     
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  20. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    More than anything else this is what this board and overcoming the addiction is about. Your focus on personal development, instead of just counting days, is what will make you succeed here. @Johhny Bravo wrote something interesting about this in the success stories section about all of this being an excuse to really live a fulfilling life. Check his posts if you have time. Kerp up the good work! Sincerely inspiring.
     
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