Making the Journey

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by mindingmymind, Jun 6, 2018.

  1. mindingmymind

    mindingmymind New Member

    After a relapse of sorts I'm trying to examine and reassess my goal(s).

    I've been specifically staying away from the P, but not the MO, in PMO. My focus was on staying away from porn. Now, for me, the definition of porn can have a fluid boundary. I feel that the real danger for me is generally visual--primarily video, but also images. But I have also had plenty of interest in written erotica (and sometimes audio). There have been times where I've sworn off the video and occasionally indulged in the other media. In general I don't find them as overpowering and when using them am very unlikely to spend hours with them. And I have to say I do feel a greater sense of control when using them. I don't feel like a zombie clicking and clicking and opening a dozen browser tabs. I feel like I'm more involved in using my own thoughts and images and imagination, inspired by what I read.

    So, last night before bed I found an interesting story and used it for MO inspiration. I didn't feel horribly guilty afterward. Part of that was because I felt that I was making some conscious decisions. I didn't actually masturbate while reading it but did so a few minutes after. I felt I was exercising some control and observing limits. And so I felt okay about it.

    Where I felt it got more complicated was when I did it again this morning. This, obviously, showed me that I wasn't in as much control as I thought and I was kind of sliding down the slippery slope. I still feel that there's progress, in that I was completely porn free for 34 days. And I DID set some limits. And so there is progress, but I'm probably kidding myself that I can give up videos/photos and still read stories.

    So there's definitely hesitance on my part to completely give up all forms of 'erotic inspiration' let's call it. While I do feel that there is definitely different stuff going on in the brain when reading vs. watching the action, at this point my bad habits aren't good at making the distinction. And so once the switch is turned on, it doesn't want to turn off, regardless of how powerful the fuel is that's feeding the engine.

    I'm still feeling really good about making progress. But I reset my counter here, because I want to be honest. Whether or not I looked at any porn, I still feel like I slipped. But I don't feel at all like I'm at day 0 or day 1. I'm still moving forward and one day isn't going to turn me around and send me back down the rabbit hole.
     
  2. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    You had a little stumble but you didn't slip and fall over so you haven't lost any progress and that what counts over all.
     
    Libertad likes this.
  3. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    U learned not failed. You seem to have a reasonable mind. Learning means failing. Carry on bro !
     
    Boxer17 and Libertad like this.

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