Making positive change

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Callum77, Apr 1, 2018.

  1. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Nahhh this isn't good - been a week since I relapsed and watched porn many times since then.

    Re-focus on what I want to do and to achieve with my life, I want to live a fulfilled life with a boyfriend and a deep romantic connection with others.

    Tbh I haven't even enjoyed watching porn, I watched some this morning and it was okay and I PMOed and everything but I didn't get the same buzz I used to. I need to adopt the 'porn is not an option' mindset:

    I just had this mindset for 5 weeks and I lost it once I finished my dissertation and started letting my mind wonder onto other things. It's easy to say 'porn is not an option', it's a whole different thing to live it when you actually get thoughts of porn in your head. I've finally found a blocker for my phone that blocks individual websites which is an absolute godsend - I really think this might be the major key to quitting. I've had a blocker on my laptop for ages and not watched porn at all on there, now that I have one for my phone this could actually be vital to stopping me going on any websites or apps.

    Porn is not an option - I just wanna lead a life where watching porn or going on grindr or looking at pics on Insta is completely pointless and needless and not even something I consider. Let's start that now.
  2. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Mann progress is difficult with this thing when I've got nothing else doing in my life. Can't wait to move to Vietnam and start my new job, I need something else to focus on. I keep on telling myself there's no point counting my streak because it's a mindset issue - but if I'm constantly thinking about getting in the 'right' mindset that means I'm constantly thinking about not watching porn. Shit this is hard
  3. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    I'm worried that porn has won this fight - I just PMOed and tbh I don't even care. There's no feelings of hopelessness and anger that I normally get - I feel like I'm just past the point of caring.

    Don't know what I can do to reset my mind
  4. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    This post 1 million times over. This post is the one that the penny finally dropped and I said to myself that I am a severe porn addict, porn has ruined my life in so many ways and that I need to commit myself to never using porn ever again. I went on a really god streak after this and that wasn't a coincidence; I got myself into a mindset where porn was not an option in my life and that I needed to focus on my other life goals. I need to re-adopt that mindset.

    Porn has completely destroyed my chances of having a relationship with anyone else. Every morning when I wake up the only thing I think about is watching porn or going on grindr or masturbating. But I need to stop this and need to fight the urges to PMO or do any of that stuff. Masturbating is not what I need; I need to live a life free from porn - where I have a purpose every day to get out of bed and get on with it. My problem was that I forgot about all this when I relapsed, and I've forgotten about it since. I need to constantly remind myself how fucking bad any form of artificial stimulation is.

    Also what's the fucking point of watching porn or masturbating? What is the actual point of it? To get me off for a few minutes then just feel 1000x worse afterwards. PMOing is completely stupid. For ten minutes of feeling good compared to all the horrible side effects of it.

    Negative consequences of watching porn:
    - Feel foggy and grey afterwards
    - Makes it incredibly difficult to concentrate on anything
    - Makes me feel shit and depressed afterwards
    - Get stuck in a constant cycle of watching porn over and over again and feel completely hooked on it
    - Desensistises me to the world
    - Saps all my energy
    - THE BIG ONE: Gives me PIED. I think sometimes I forget the main reason why I committed to stop watching porn in the first place. I can't get erect when I'm with a guy and it means I can't fucking have sex. How depressing is that! Im 23 years old and I can't have sex. Just going to let that sink in for a while. I am a relationship with my phone - the only thing that gets me going is images on my screen. Nothing else does it for me. And if I keep on watching porn my whole life will go on like this.

    Positive consequences of NOT watching porn:
    - More confidence
    - More energy and ability to crack on with my day
    - Ability to focus on things and concentrate at work/on reading/on anything
    - A feeling of clarity and general more soundness of mind. I feel so much calmer and at peace with myself when I don't watch porn
    - More extroversion and greater sense of forging connection with others
    - THE BIG ONE: Ability to have a relationship with another guy. To experience feelings of romance, intimacy, love, lust and romance with someone else. I've never done this before and it will never be possible unless I stop watching porn.

    I need to picture a life without porn, a life where artificial stimulation plays no part. A life with no porn means one where I can concentrate on all the other things that matter to me: my friends, my work, my family, living life to the full and experiencing everything without my mind being dampened by the thick cloud of fog over me that porn causes.

    That is the mindset I need to have, and any time I feel like relapsing I need to remind myself of THIS post and how destructive porn is and why my life without porn will be so much better
  5. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Moved to Vietnam a couple of weeks ago and the same old problems stick with me. Even with the 8-5 Mon-Fri work routine and having a job that I love and focus on, I still find time and the willpower to masturbate.

    It's fucking ridiculous. I guess it just goes to show that you can move halfway across the world but your problems stay with you.

    Maybe I was just expecting to become a completely different person when I was here but obviously I'm the same and I'm still a porn addict. I can't help the sinking feeling that this is what I'm going to be for the rest of my life
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2018
  6. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Wanked about 6/7 times today. Maybe a new low. Feel so drained it's like all life has been sucked out of me. The last couple of months have been okay, I've had a few slip ups but nothing major but today has been terrible. I don't even know what brought this on, I haven't felt in a bad place but I guess it just goes to show once I've relapsed and I have a lot of free time it really is a bad combination.

    The worst thing about this is that I could've chosen to have sex today instead. I went on a date last night and it went really well; I even got hard when we got off with no stimulus and no viagra or anything. I was so chuffed but I chose not to have sex with him and instead today have wanked to oblivion again. This is probably the most depressing thing that has happened to me the whole time I've been trying to quit (2.5 years). I could've had sex with a guy I like and I am attracted to and instead I have chosen to use porn and virtual stimulation to get myself off. I've chosen porn over real life sex. Most the time I've been trying to quit I've never had the chance to have sex but now I've had the chance, and actually got hard, I rejected it in favour of masturbating in front of a screen. That is so fucking disgusting.

    I'm so sick of this. I keep on doing okay then having a really bad day then promising never to do it again and have an epiphany where I say I have it all figured it out and my mindset. I don't have it all figured it at all I'm being swallowed by this illness and I feel like I'm going down the rabbithole.
  7. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    So just a quick update - after a 70 day streak I relapsed once last week, then again a few days ago and then again today.

    Man this is depressing shit - even after 70 days I still fall back into the same problems again.

    I really thought I had cracked it this time, I thought I'd finally beaten this shit - I was doing things differently, I wasn't even thinking about porn. Honestly I found it pretty easy going on this streak cos I had the right mindset, the mindset that I'd been trying to get into for a long time, the 'porn is not an option' mindset.

    Just shows that you can NEVER get complacent, NEVER let your guard down, NEVER think that this is easy and that you don't even need to try anymore. I'll never cure my porn addiction in the same way that an alcoholic never 'cures' his alcohol addiction. I just need to stop watching it. Forever.
  8. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Fuck where the hell did that come from?

    Was on a really good streak 100+++ days ( I lost count) and then I came home on holiday and didn't have the control to stop myself from PMOing while I was back at home.

    Honestly I really thought I was past this, I thought I'd never have to post on this blog again because I'd finally cracked it and was moving past my porn addiction. Well that all went to shit in the last couple of weeks because my self-control went out the window as soon as I was back at home again with time on my hands and didn't know how to deal with it.

    The most disappointing thing was the complete lack of willpower - when it came to masturbating again there was absolutely nothing stopping me from doing it. There was no mental mechanism in place, there was no voice in my head screaming at me to stop what I was doing and in the end I wanked again and didn't even feel that bad about doing it. And then I did it again a few days later, and a few days after that, and then today I did it three of four times.

    I hope that when I go back to Yangon I can restart my streak and go on a really good run again, but I can't rely on my work routine to keep me so busy that I never want to wank. I'm going to be in situations where I will be idle, and I will have the chance to masturbate and I will need to be strong enough to stop myself from doing it. This is about mental strength, and that completely collapsed this week.

    Fuck me - how much longer do I want to be in this cycle of streak and relapse? How much longer am I going to led artificial stimulation control my life? How much longer am I going to keep on fucking myself over and losing control? I'm so sick of this shit.

    The last 100+ days were honestly the time in my life where I've felt the most mentally stable and together. I just felt completely balanced and at peace at myself, as soon as I PMO again, the horrible effects that porn have on my brain come back to me and I start to lose my grip.

    I need to keep my grip and keep my sanity and keep sticking the middle finger up to porn or instragram or any form of stimulation. It's just not worth it.
  9. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    So right now I'm in a bad place again - the last two and a half months have been a constant cycle of relapsing and going on 'streaks'. I really hate using that terminology cos I shouldn't even think about going on streaks of quitting porn, I should just not be watching it. I've completely lost track of what I was doing before, I've had relapses at other points in the last 8 months but I've managed to get straight back on the horse again and not let myself be ruined by my destructive habit. But now I'm stuck in an endless cycle again, where porn is constantly part of my mindset and constantly something I'm trying to 'quit it', rather than telling myself I need to live a life without it.

    Really thought I'd gone past this point and that I'd actually found the right mindset when it came to porn - that I no longer thought it was an option. But now I wank almost daily and I don't think anything of it - my mindset has been completely warped back the other way. This is despite me having some rigorous blockers on my laptop and my phone - the truth is no amount of blockers are going to make it impossible for me to watch porn, the best blocker is my brain. I think the best analogy when it comes to porn, or instagram or any of that shit is the one in TheUnderdog's post here where he refers to porn as the beautiful cousin or friend's partner. You can admit that it attracts you, or maybe you even have urges, but you just can't go there. That's the mindset I need to re-adopt with porn - I might have urges but I just can't go there. The best blocker is my brain.

    So how do I go about readopting the porn is not an option? How does porn become my attractive cousin in my brain? How does porn become something that I just don't even consider going anywhere near?

    Well a good place to start is remember just how destructive porn has been for me throughout my entire pubescent/adult life. It has ripped apart the fabrics of my entire being and destroyed possible relationships with friends and lovers. Porn has been my pain. And in my pain I seek out porn. There has been a constant cycle of pain and porn in my life that have been constantly feeding off each other - whenever I've been in pain I have sought out porn as a release. Porn has also been a constant source of pain as I have struggled in my relationships in my life in my friendships in my romances in everything. My porn addiction is a window to a gaping chasm of depression, solitude and desolation through large periods of my adult life. Why the hell would I want to go back to something that has been at the heart of so much pain and misery in my life?

    But now my life is different and it's better. Since I started my initial great streak I've found myself a really amazing great guy in my life. Literally one of the best things that has happened to me. He is a constant source of happiness and meaning and finally my romantic life has found some meaning - I have that connection with someone else in a deep and sensual way and it's no coincidence that this has happened while I have been in a very good place in terms of relapses and have barely watched porn at all. Not watching porn makes it possible for me to have a meaningful connection with another human being, the thing that I have basically wanted to achieve since I started trying to quit three years ago. So why the hell would I watch porn and forego everything that I have desired for so long? Is that ten minutes of watching porn really worth more than the deep connection that I've formed with my guy and the happiness and meaning that this has brought to my life? Is it FUCK.

    Everytime I watch porn I am wiring my brain to get off at the pixels on a screen instead of my beautiful amazing guy. Everytime I watch porn I make it more and more difficult to form that connection again with my guy. Everytime I go on instagram looking for pictures, or I go on webcams, or think about going on those disgusting online jack off sessions I am ruining what I have with my guy and replacing him with artificial stimulation. This is the definition of CHEATING. Cheating is the act of being unfaithful to your partner, it is the act of committing the feelings of arousal and lust to something other than your partner. Everytime I watch porn or I do any of the other fucked up shit that I do I am CHEATING on my guy. Everytime I check insta for pics of guys I am CHEATING on my guy. Everytime I go on Reddit looking for guys to share snapchat pics with I am CHEATING on my guy.

    This is so obvious that I don't know how I haven't thought of it before. Other people's vice of unfaithfulness is being sexually aroused to people other than their partner, I am not usually sexually aroused by other people. I am sexually aroused by porn. Therefore porn is my vice of faithfulness. They say once a cheater always a cheater and that's absolutely true, once someone allows themselves to be in the mindset that cheating is permissible or okay they are bound to it again because they don't see anything wrong with it. The same applies to porn - if I don't see anything wrong with it I will keep on doing it. However, if I treat it as the morally heinous, cheating and unfaithful act that it is I must surely see that it is not an option. If I value my guy in any way, I will not let myself watch it BECAUSE this is being unfaithful and it has the potential to make a sordid mess of the connection that we have formed with each other.

    I would never get with another guy because that is cheating. Porn IS my other guy - porn is cheating.

    I used to struggle to not watch porn because I didn't think I had anything to lose. I didn't have a partner, a boyfriend or a lover. Now I have someone very special in my life and I have EVERYTHING to lose.

    What the fuck is the point of it? Momentary release over long term happiness, stability and mental health? I need to look inwards again like I have been doing and asking myself when I'm doing any of these things how old I feel, and the emotions and feelings that are causing me to watch porn again and go on these relapses. I am doing it because I can't cope with being in PNG on my own and I am bored and I am lonely, and the emotional pain that I am feeling is being triggered in unhelpful but predictable ways. In this way, my vicious cyclical relationship with porn is manifested once more. I am in pain because I am in a strange country on my own away from all the people who are important to me. So I use porn to relieve my pain. But now porn itself is causing my pain.

    I've got to stop being that 16 year old version of myself who used porn to handle's life's toughest moments, and start being myself.
  10. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Just watched Brene Brown's amazing TedTalk about vulnerability:

    This so perfectly sums up the most negative aspects of my life. I feel my lowest when I am not exposing myself to new things, new people and new experiences because I lack the feelings of self-worth that make me think other people will actually want to hang out with me. I protect myself by not putting myself out there and keeping myself to myself.
    Porn has been a big part of this - my addiction to porn has helped numb the vulnerability and has been a way for me to not feel life's emotions. Both the negative ones and the positive ones.
    If I want to experience personal growth and expose myself to more of life's pleasures, I also need to accept that I will be exposed to more grief and pain. If I shy away from both and live my life in the cocoon of numbness and porn addiction I will be miserable.
    JD1981 likes this.
  11. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    How fucking dare I?

    Honestly I am so fucking disgusted with myself....I know that every time that I go on Instagram and look at pictures that I make it more difficult for myself to feel aroused by my boyfriend and yet what do I do anyway? I go and look at instagram pictures and wank myself to unattainable and unrealistic pictures of perfection and erotic sexualisation.

    And what the hell for? Because I am bored at home and I don't know what else to do...? Is that 30 minutes of boredom release worth it to mess up my relationship with my boyfriend?

    Honestly I now have something that I have always wanted, a wonderful sexy brilliant boyfriend who really turns me on when I don't watch why the hell am I risking giving that up? How fucking dare I act with such arrogance and belligerence that I think that now I have what I want I can just do what I want with no consequence. My guy is not gonna stick around forever if I can't get hard for him and I can't satisfy him....

    So what the hell am I doing? How fucking dare I?

    And one more thing. I can't just keep on doing a bad thing and feeling shit about masturbating and then coming on here having a rant, going on a good spell for a few weeks and then relapse and repeat the whole cycle again. Me coming on here and ranting does not excuse my actions or my culpability in not getting hard for my boyfriend. I can't just come on here and wash my hands of the matter and think it's going to be okay.

    I just need to be better.

    In my life and my actions and my decisions.

    So yeah how fucking dare I?

    Next time I think about going on Instagram and looking at pictures I actually need to stop and thinking about what I'm doing. The reason why I'm in such a good spell in the first place is that I was looking inward to myself and was thinking about the feelings that I had every time I relapsed. I've stopped doing that. So next time I'm about to go on Instagram stop for a second and think about what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. What am I feeling right now? Why am I doing what I'm doing? What else could I do to alleviate these feelings?

    Thinking and looking inward is such a powerful tool. Don't forget about it...
  12. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    I really don't wanna do this anymore....

    So sick of this being my reality. I really need to change my reality.

    Because I said to myself that 2020 was finally gonna be the year that I stopped doing this shit and 11 days in what the fuck do I do? Go back and watch porn again. Not to mention all the times I've been on Instagram and wanked on there.

    I need to stop saying that I want to get better and actually fucking be better. Nobody else is going to do it for me, it's not just gonna happen on its own. Just fucking do it.

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