Making positive change

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Callum77, Apr 1, 2018.

  1. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Nahhh this isn't good - been a week since I relapsed and watched porn many times since then.

    Re-focus on what I want to do and to achieve with my life, I want to live a fulfilled life with a boyfriend and a deep romantic connection with others.

    Tbh I haven't even enjoyed watching porn, I watched some this morning and it was okay and I PMOed and everything but I didn't get the same buzz I used to. I need to adopt the 'porn is not an option' mindset:

    I just had this mindset for 5 weeks and I lost it once I finished my dissertation and started letting my mind wonder onto other things. It's easy to say 'porn is not an option', it's a whole different thing to live it when you actually get thoughts of porn in your head. I've finally found a blocker for my phone that blocks individual websites which is an absolute godsend - I really think this might be the major key to quitting. I've had a blocker on my laptop for ages and not watched porn at all on there, now that I have one for my phone this could actually be vital to stopping me going on any websites or apps.

    Porn is not an option - I just wanna lead a life where watching porn or going on grindr or looking at pics on Insta is completely pointless and needless and not even something I consider. Let's start that now.
  2. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Mann progress is difficult with this thing when I've got nothing else doing in my life. Can't wait to move to Vietnam and start my new job, I need something else to focus on. I keep on telling myself there's no point counting my streak because it's a mindset issue - but if I'm constantly thinking about getting in the 'right' mindset that means I'm constantly thinking about not watching porn. Shit this is hard
  3. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    I'm worried that porn has won this fight - I just PMOed and tbh I don't even care. There's no feelings of hopelessness and anger that I normally get - I feel like I'm just past the point of caring.

    Don't know what I can do to reset my mind
  4. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    This post 1 million times over. This post is the one that the penny finally dropped and I said to myself that I am a severe porn addict, porn has ruined my life in so many ways and that I need to commit myself to never using porn ever again. I went on a really god streak after this and that wasn't a coincidence; I got myself into a mindset where porn was not an option in my life and that I needed to focus on my other life goals. I need to re-adopt that mindset.

    Porn has completely destroyed my chances of having a relationship with anyone else. Every morning when I wake up the only thing I think about is watching porn or going on grindr or masturbating. But I need to stop this and need to fight the urges to PMO or do any of that stuff. Masturbating is not what I need; I need to live a life free from porn - where I have a purpose every day to get out of bed and get on with it. My problem was that I forgot about all this when I relapsed, and I've forgotten about it since. I need to constantly remind myself how fucking bad any form of artificial stimulation is.

    Also what's the fucking point of watching porn or masturbating? What is the actual point of it? To get me off for a few minutes then just feel 1000x worse afterwards. PMOing is completely stupid. For ten minutes of feeling good compared to all the horrible side effects of it.

    Negative consequences of watching porn:
    - Feel foggy and grey afterwards
    - Makes it incredibly difficult to concentrate on anything
    - Makes me feel shit and depressed afterwards
    - Get stuck in a constant cycle of watching porn over and over again and feel completely hooked on it
    - Desensistises me to the world
    - Saps all my energy
    - THE BIG ONE: Gives me PIED. I think sometimes I forget the main reason why I committed to stop watching porn in the first place. I can't get erect when I'm with a guy and it means I can't fucking have sex. How depressing is that! Im 23 years old and I can't have sex. Just going to let that sink in for a while. I am a relationship with my phone - the only thing that gets me going is images on my screen. Nothing else does it for me. And if I keep on watching porn my whole life will go on like this.

    Positive consequences of NOT watching porn:
    - More confidence
    - More energy and ability to crack on with my day
    - Ability to focus on things and concentrate at work/on reading/on anything
    - A feeling of clarity and general more soundness of mind. I feel so much calmer and at peace with myself when I don't watch porn
    - More extroversion and greater sense of forging connection with others
    - THE BIG ONE: Ability to have a relationship with another guy. To experience feelings of romance, intimacy, love, lust and romance with someone else. I've never done this before and it will never be possible unless I stop watching porn.

    I need to picture a life without porn, a life where artificial stimulation plays no part. A life with no porn means one where I can concentrate on all the other things that matter to me: my friends, my work, my family, living life to the full and experiencing everything without my mind being dampened by the thick cloud of fog over me that porn causes.

    That is the mindset I need to have, and any time I feel like relapsing I need to remind myself of THIS post and how destructive porn is and why my life without porn will be so much better
  5. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Moved to Vietnam a couple of weeks ago and the same old problems stick with me. Even with the 8-5 Mon-Fri work routine and having a job that I love and focus on, I still find time and the willpower to masturbate.

    It's fucking ridiculous. I guess it just goes to show that you can move halfway across the world but your problems stay with you.

    Maybe I was just expecting to become a completely different person when I was here but obviously I'm the same and I'm still a porn addict. I can't help the sinking feeling that this is what I'm going to be for the rest of my life
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2018
  6. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Wanked about 6/7 times today. Maybe a new low. Feel so drained it's like all life has been sucked out of me. The last couple of months have been okay, I've had a few slip ups but nothing major but today has been terrible. I don't even know what brought this on, I haven't felt in a bad place but I guess it just goes to show once I've relapsed and I have a lot of free time it really is a bad combination.

    The worst thing about this is that I could've chosen to have sex today instead. I went on a date last night and it went really well; I even got hard when we got off with no stimulus and no viagra or anything. I was so chuffed but I chose not to have sex with him and instead today have wanked to oblivion again. This is probably the most depressing thing that has happened to me the whole time I've been trying to quit (2.5 years). I could've had sex with a guy I like and I am attracted to and instead I have chosen to use porn and virtual stimulation to get myself off. I've chosen porn over real life sex. Most the time I've been trying to quit I've never had the chance to have sex but now I've had the chance, and actually got hard, I rejected it in favour of masturbating in front of a screen. That is so fucking disgusting.

    I'm so sick of this. I keep on doing okay then having a really bad day then promising never to do it again and have an epiphany where I say I have it all figured it out and my mindset. I don't have it all figured it at all I'm being swallowed by this illness and I feel like I'm going down the rabbithole.
  7. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    So just a quick update - after a 70 day streak I relapsed once last week, then again a few days ago and then again today.

    Man this is depressing shit - even after 70 days I still fall back into the same problems again.

    I really thought I had cracked it this time, I thought I'd finally beaten this shit - I was doing things differently, I wasn't even thinking about porn. Honestly I found it pretty easy going on this streak cos I had the right mindset, the mindset that I'd been trying to get into for a long time, the 'porn is not an option' mindset.

    Just shows that you can NEVER get complacent, NEVER let your guard down, NEVER think that this is easy and that you don't even need to try anymore. I'll never cure my porn addiction in the same way that an alcoholic never 'cures' his alcohol addiction. I just need to stop watching it. Forever.
  8. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Fuck where the hell did that come from?

    Was on a really good streak 100+++ days ( I lost count) and then I came home on holiday and didn't have the control to stop myself from PMOing while I was back at home.

    Honestly I really thought I was past this, I thought I'd never have to post on this blog again because I'd finally cracked it and was moving past my porn addiction. Well that all went to shit in the last couple of weeks because my self-control went out the window as soon as I was back at home again with time on my hands and didn't know how to deal with it.

    The most disappointing thing was the complete lack of willpower - when it came to masturbating again there was absolutely nothing stopping me from doing it. There was no mental mechanism in place, there was no voice in my head screaming at me to stop what I was doing and in the end I wanked again and didn't even feel that bad about doing it. And then I did it again a few days later, and a few days after that, and then today I did it three of four times.

    I hope that when I go back to Yangon I can restart my streak and go on a really good run again, but I can't rely on my work routine to keep me so busy that I never want to wank. I'm going to be in situations where I will be idle, and I will have the chance to masturbate and I will need to be strong enough to stop myself from doing it. This is about mental strength, and that completely collapsed this week.

    Fuck me - how much longer do I want to be in this cycle of streak and relapse? How much longer am I going to led artificial stimulation control my life? How much longer am I going to keep on fucking myself over and losing control? I'm so sick of this shit.

    The last 100+ days were honestly the time in my life where I've felt the most mentally stable and together. I just felt completely balanced and at peace at myself, as soon as I PMO again, the horrible effects that porn have on my brain come back to me and I start to lose my grip.

    I need to keep my grip and keep my sanity and keep sticking the middle finger up to porn or instragram or any form of stimulation. It's just not worth it.

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