Making positive change

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Callum77, Apr 1, 2018.

  1. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Thanks for the advice and I agree, counting days could actually be stopping me from not watching porn. If all I'm thinking about is what day I'm on then I'm constantly thinking about maintaining my streak whereas what I should be doing is not thinking about porn at all. I'm on day one now and if I'm gonna not count my streak this time and see whether it does me any good.

    I've got a porn blocker on my computer (Cold Turkey) which works pretty damn well but yet to find an effective one for my phone. I also think blockers don't help that much because you can always find a way to get around them - the important thing is just not to have a mindset where you watch porn.

    And yeah that's the Catch 22 of our situation - I'm sure it'd be a lot easier to not watch porn if I had a boyfriend, but the fact I'm a porn addict means it's very hard for me to find a boyfriend
     
  2. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Day 1 - Let's make this one a good one. Got to streaks of about ten days/two weeks and then relapsed over the last couple of months. I'm thinking about things too much and I'm openly saying to people I'm a porn addict - I think it's good to be open about these things but at the same time I'm building it up so much in my head that I think it's becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    All I want to do is go from being a person who watches porn to someone who doesn't watch porn. Porn is such a small part of my life and I can't let it control me
     
  3. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    A good porn blocker for your phone is something called "Boomerang". You get to have two weeks free. I bought the subscription for one year ($12). It is really good, especially when you give the password amd account information to someone you trust. It forces you to go on their safe browser as well. The only downside is the free trial and setting it up (which can be a hassle).
     
    Callum77 likes this.
  4. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Me too. I do not want to be a person that watches porn. I do not want to be like everyone else. I want to be the one that can rise above the idiocracy of my generation. The last thing I want to be is average.
     
  5. Lakaf

    Lakaf Active Member

    Lets see who streak much muhahahahha
     
  6. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Day 8 - Just checking in, but I've had a really good week where I've not really thought about porn at all and not really come close to relapsing at any point. Like I said on my last post, I've tried not to keep track as closely to my streak and just focused on going about my day-to-day life. Obviously I always know roughly when I begun my streak because I remember starting last Sunday, but I haven't used a habit tracker or anything like that. So far it's worked well and allowed me to just concentrate on other things rather than porn, I've got to make sure I don't become complacent though, so I'm posting on here as a way of keeping myself accountable. Hope I can keep this going!
     
  7. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Day 0 - starting to lose hope that I can ever quit watching porn.. Same thing keeps on happening over and over again, I can go 10 days without a relapse then it will inevitably happen. I feel like life is just passing me by and I can't stop it. I've never been in a relationship with a guy and I NEVER will unless I change something, but I really can't see much hope in that happening right now. Stuck in an endless cycle that I don't know how to get out of
     
  8. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Day 0 - Man I'm bored of this shit.

    I've got to believe I can break this cycle. Day one tomorrow let's fucking do this thing.
     
  9. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Stopped counting the days, have successfully stayed off porn since the last time I posted but unfortunately have fallen back into my Grindr habit and cybersexting people. I convince myself it isn't as bad as porn but in reality it's just as harmful, basically just a virtual way to get me off without actually meeting or being with a real human being. Depressing but at least I can be happy I've stayed off porn.

    The tactic of not counting the days and just living my everyday life I think has gone well, and well carry on with this method as it stops me from thinking too much about porn and instead think about everything else. I think this article here has been very helpful https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/how-to-quit-porn/ in the way it depicts porn as junk food. I can't let me being a porn 'addict' define, I've just gotta stop eating junk food.
     
  10. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Really lost my way the last week or so. Today was the first time I've watched porn in a while but I've been on grindr and even on webcams for the last few days and have made no attempt to stay myself from doing this shit.

    I go back home again in a couple of weeks, what I really want to happen is to not watch porn, or go semi-pornographic instagram pages or go on grindr between now and then. I can always seem to go a week or 10 days then get complacent and fall back into the cesspool. I need a renewed focus and to really commit to not doing this shit.
     
  11. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Fuckkkkkkkkk completely stuck. Really struggling to get past this point. It's now been almost 2 years since I last had sex and I don't really see that changing anytime soon the way it's going. My PIED has massively affected my confidence and now try to avoid getting with guys just because I would be so deflated if we got intimate and I wasn't able to get an erection. So now I'm stuck in a rut where I watch porn to make myself feel better which instantly makes me feel 1000x worse. I've been trying to stop watch porn for 2 and a half years now and I'm in exactly the same place as before.

    I still believe I can do it though - tomorrow will be my first day of forever not watching porn.
     
  12. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    And so the cycle repeats itself again one more time. Fucking hell. Got to 12 days this time and again relapsed off instagram images and then moved onto porn later.

    I'm fine at maintaining a streak as long as I'm keeping busy and not thinking about porn, but as soon as I feel tempted there is absolutely nothing stopping me from doing it. Literally my brain provides absolute no resistance once the temptation to relapse starts and it's why I keep on getting in this cycle.

    I've downloaded and paid for the brainbuddy app, which I thought was helping but now I'm not so sure. I have some major triggers, and don't seem to be able to escape them when they occur regardless of what else I've done or what streak I'm on.

    My major trigger is being in my room on my own when I'm bored. Next time this happens I need to have an action plan:
    - Turn on Cold Turkey on my phone to stop me using it
    - Take 20 deep breaths to try and help me retain my focus
    - If I'm still feeling tempted after this, remove myself from the situation and leave the room.
    - When I go back to my room again and the same thing happens I need to take 20 deep breaths again, and then distract myself by watching a TV programme or completely leaving the house

    One other thing that I've just read is to listen to a particular song every time I feel tempted to try and distract myself. I'm picking Swish Swish Bish as my relapse-prevention song as it's one song I'll never get tired of listening to and the music video is so ridiculous it's bound to distract me from relapsing.

    Hopefully with this action plan I can stop the next relapse and have a successful streak. I'm just dying to get to 30 days again, I keep on going on streaks on 10-15 days and I really wanna get past this point.
    -
     
  13. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    I'm really not sure how much being on here has helped me at all over the last months, I don't go on here at all when I'm fine on my streak then I do go on here when I make a mistake and relapse. I keep on going in endless cycles and I really don't think being on here and thinking about it all the time is helping me. I paid for an porn-quitter app and that didn't help, I keep on reading articles and that doesn't help, I spend endless hours thinking about wanting to quit porn and how hard it is and that doesn't help either.

    So I'm going to try a new tactic, I'm gonna stop thinking about quitting porn and just not watch porn. I'm gonna do other things with my life other than constantly think about porn and how much of an impact it has had on my life and how I keep on falling back into the same awful habits. Porn doesn't control me - the more I tell myself I'm addicted to porn, the more addicted to porn I am.

    My best ever streak (120 days) was while I was travelling in South America, I always thought that the only reason I was successful was because I physically couldn't masturbate when I was staying in hostel rooms where it was pretty impossible to do that. But now I realise that the reason I didn't masturbate was because I chose not to masturbate - I busied myself doing other things and enjoying life and I can do that now I'm at home. Watching porn and masturbating is a choice, and something I can control. I don't need to put myself in an environment where it is difficult to not masturbate to actually not masturbate.

    I just need to stop doing it.

    Think about it - how many thousands and thousands of people are on this forum talking about quitting porn, and how many people actually succeed while there on here? I read through loads of different threads from years and months ago and no one seems to have kicked it. Maybe being on a forum is part of the problem and not part of the solution - I'm very grateful for this forum in providing support and advice, and knowledge about how to quit porn. This, and YBOP, have been crucial in educating me about porn addiction and PIED, but I think if I am gonna stop watching porn and masturbating, I need to stop constantly thinking about not watching porn and masturbating.

    Good luck you guys on your streaks, I hope to not come back on this forum again, because if I do that means I've failed on what I've set out to do.
     
  14. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Well that went well. Managed 7 days and then as soon as I had the chance to relapse I did.

    This is the lowest that I've felt in a long long time. For most the 2 years I've been trying to quit I feel like I've managed to have some sort of control over my porn use and was only watching it about once a week, but now it's everyday and I feel like I have no control over it whatsoever. When I wake up in the morning the first thing I think about is watching porn or masturbating, when I'm in my room the first thing I think about is watching porn, when I'm about to go to bed the only thing I think about is watching porn.

    I've let this thing completely control me and take over my life, part of me wishes I'd never found out about my porn addiction because then I wouldn't be so obsessed with curing it all the time. I don't know what to do at this stage; I tried not to think about it and that didn't work, I try to count my streaks and set myself small goals and that didn't work and I've tried every blocker app under the sun and I still find a way around it.

    I haven't had sex in 2 years now and that's because I'm scared of not getting an erection, and that I really think that I just wouldn't enjoy it. How has this become my life? I am 23 years old and I've had about 5 intimate occasions in my whole life. The thing that scares me the most is that I'm getting older and older and I feel like life is slipping by. When I first started trying to quit I was 21 and I felt like if I could kick the habit then there'd be no long-term damage, but the older I get the more I feel like all these opportunities to have meaningful relationships are passing me by. It's hard enough to find someone as a gay man as it is, never mind throwing a porn addiction in the mix.

    I keep on reading advice about how to quit and everything seems to contradict everything else: some people say count your streak and set targets, some people say forget about porn altogether and don't try and count; some people say not watching porn is a test of mind control and mental strength, other people say you shouldn't worry about porn and just live your life. Well which fucking one is it? Should I be trying really hard to set myself goals or should I carry on as normal and try not to think about it?

    The most depressing thing about this is that I just feel like I'll never be rid of this now; my life is now going to always be shaped by porn and never having a relationship with anyone else. I keep on thinking that eventually I'll find someone and my porn addiction will be cured through meaningful connection with another guy but when the fuck is that going to happen? I'm 23 years old and I've never been in a relationship - what makes it so inevitable that eventually I will?

    I really don't know where I go from here.
     
  15. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Quick thought: how many people on this forum who have been trying to quit have actually done it? And how many have failed?
     
  16. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    WHAT I NEED TO DO

    Okay my last relapse have given me some serious need to stop and rethink, and actually properly think over what I'm trying to do and what I'm trying to achieve. I've been stuck in a constant cycle where I go 10 days or so and then relapse and then do the same thing over and over again, and I feel like I'm at a moment where I need to pause and really think about why I'm doing this and how I see my life going forward. I've read a lot of stuff to re-educate myself about rebooting and the constant pitfalls; these two posts are really useful and speak to me in a big way:

    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/threads/my-thoughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post.15558/

    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/threads/the-top-3-fatal-mistakes-rebooters-make.5734/

    They speak to me a lot because I make the exact mistakes that are listed, I'm guilty of counting days and trying to 'break' my addiction, rather than focusing on living my life and achieving my goals; I'm guilty of using porn to medicate myself and make myself feel better when I'm low, and I'm guilty of beating myself up whenever I relapse. I want to live a life without porn, and this is gonna be a long post but I feel like I need to lay all my cards on the table and really express in a vision for myself that I can lead a happy and fulfilled life without porn.

    I also need stop kidding myself about my porn addiction. I'm completely and utterly addicted to porn and have been for many years. I have used porn consistently to make myself feel better on a consistent basis for the last 8 years of my life, and porn is stopping me from living the life I want to lead and forging a connection with another person. Sometimes I kid myself about my addiction because to be honest, I have a pretty good life in most other ways: I have a great group of friends who I love, I have a supportive family, I'm doing well at uni and I have a clear direction professionally of what I want to do with my life. But all this masks the truth: I'm a severe porn addict. My addiction to porn is as bad now as it's ever been even though my life has gotten better since I started using it, my porn addiction is still as bad now as it ever has been. Porn has affected my life in a major major way; whilst most of my friends have been in meaningful relationships with other people and felt love, lust, intimacy and deep romances, I have never experienced these things. I kid myself that this isn't a problem because generally I'm happy - but if I ever want to experience these things in my life then the porn has to stop.

    So in order to live the life I want to, I need to stop watching porn, and I need to go from someone who is a severe porn addict to someone who is not. I need to go from someone who consistently uses porn to make themselves feel better to someone who accepts life's emotions, both positive and negative, and not use porn as a medication. I need to feel all of life's emotions and pursue meaningful deep connections with people around me, rather than using porn to dampen my emotions, and as a relief from boredom, stress, anxiety etc.

    I also need to stop kidding myself that this is going to be easy, and that I can quit porn without any pain anytime I want to if I properly commit to it. By accepting I'm a severe porn addict, I'm accepting that my addiction will be extremely hard to break, because addictions are. This means accepting that this journey will be painful and long, but also committing 100% to what I am doing. I keep on relapsing because in the end I don't think relapsing is that bad, and my brain convinces itself that one more hit will be okay. It'll be alright if I just look quickly at a few pictures on Instagram, or google a model, or quickly just go on pornhub to check what videos there are, or go on Grindr and exchange some dick pics.

    I need to tell myself that I CAN'T do any of these things. If I want to beat this addiction, I CAN'T go on instagram to look at pictures, I CAN'T go on Grindr, I CAN'T watch porn even for a few seconds. But also I have to accept that these thoughts will occur and if they do, I need to acknowledge them but let them pass and focus on something else. I have been really bad at this because I have never properly fully committed to this as I've not accepted the full extent of my addiction.

    Just to repeat, I am a severe porn addict and any form of artificial stimulation is feeding this addiction.

    Therefore, I need to accept that these thoughts occur and urges that happen, but also not give in to them. Part of this is realising my triggers and actively being aware of them. My triggers are being on my own in my room, waking up in the morning and going to bed all night. If I am aware of when my relapses happen, I can therefore be aware of when I need to resist my urges the most.

    Most importantly what I need to do is picture a life without porn. I need to visualise what my life is going to be like in 3 months time, in a year's time, in 5 years time. And i do not picture porn being part of this; I need to adopt a mindset where porn is not an option. Whatever life I'm leading, it should not even include the possibility of porn.

    I'm gonna spend a few days thinking about this, and when I come back I'm going to fully describe my life goals, and my life without porn. Only once I adopt a mindset of fullfilling my life goals, and not when where my life is constantly fighting porn will I be able to get over my porn addiction.
     
  17. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Had a really good few weeks, it's now been more than 5 weeks since I last relapsed and I'm really happy with my mental attitude throughout this whole period. Basically I've been doing exactly what I said I was gonna do and focused on other things than porn- I've been writing my 16,000 word dissertation for the last month so that's been a really good thing to keep me focused on something other than porn. I haven't been counting the days and instead been calculating them - I know the last time I relapsed was a Saturday so every time I get to a Saturday I know another week has passed, but I don't count from day to day. This has been really helpful cos it keeps me from constantly thinking about porn/relapsing. I also had sex twice in the last few weeks and was really turned on both times so that's good and it had been ageeeeeees since I last had sex so I'm really happy to have broken my duck.

    But I've had a bit of a wobbler today. I woke up at 4 in the morning and felt really horny and downloaded Grindr, I uninstalled it straight away without sending any dick pics but then downloaded it again when I woke up again at 7 and again didn't send any pics but I know I shouldn't do that. I also went on some gay chat forums and almost starting sending dick pics on that but again resisted and stopped myself before I did it. But I know that's far too close for comfort and if I keep on doing that I will definitely relapse very soon and that's the last thing I want after having such a good few weeks.

    Part of my problem is that I've finished my dissertation now so don't have the same thing to keep myself focused on something other on porn. I need to find other things to focus on now. I'm moving to Vietnam in a few weeks to start a job and I think once I get there I'll be fine and busy, but I need to stop myself relapsing between now and then.

    So I'm posting today to make myself re-commit to everything I said in my last post. I am still a severe porn addict and my addiction to porn has been so destructive to my life. Because of porn I have never had a boyfriend and I never will if I keep on watching porn and using the internet to get myself off. I cannot go on Grindr, I cannot go on gay webchats, I cannot look at pics on Instagram and I CANNOT watch porn. In 5 years time do I really want to see myself as a 28 year old man who's still addicted to porn and living on my own wanking myself to oblivion? No I don't. I wanna live a life that's free of porn and I wanna live a life that's meaningful where I have a deep romantic connection to someone else. I should never stop thinking of that goal and reminding myself that that's what I'm aiming for.
     
  18. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    I need to WAKE UP. Went on Grindr again this morning, didn't send any dick pics but I can't let this keep on happening! I've been close to relapsing the last couple days I can't let it happen kmt
     
  19. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Relapse - trying not to think too much about it and beat myself up about it but it's annoying after 40 days of doing so well. Think my problem was I was just thinking about it too much rather than tryna focus on other things. Again going on my phone in the morning is the worst thing for me at the moment, I'm not saying I should never go on my phone in the morning but when I'm going through a rough patch like I have been the last few days I need to take steps against it ie. not keep my phone in my room at night etc. I know what my triggers are and I should take steps against them rather than thinking I'm going to be mentally strong enough to beat it anyway

    Wanna forget about this and move on as soon as possible
     
  20. Callum77

    Callum77 Member

    Quick note to self: Today has been completely SHIT because of the fact I wanked this morning. I relapsed once then have been sent into a spiral and wanked at least 4 times today. Aside from the obvious downsides like my streak ending and having now to start again, taken in isolation my day today has been fucking awful. I had plans for today to go and work on getting prepared for moving to Vietnam, learning some more excel, reading a book, going into town and buying some shit. Instead I've sat at home all day and wanked myself to oblivion.

    This more than anything is a massive incentive to resist relapsing; every time I relapse I go into a spiral and the rest of the day I can't focus, I feel tired and moody, I don't do anything pro-active and I just slob around feeling angry and pathetic. Next time I almost relapse I should remind myself of the day I'm going to have if I do end up masturbating, and how fucking depressing that is.
     

Share This Page