Making Better Choices

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by big54, Jul 20, 2019.

  1. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot Start: 7/10/2019 0:17
    Last PMO: 7/14/2019 12:17
    Current Date: 7/20/2019 16:32

    Current Day of Reboot: 10
    Days since Last PMO: 6

    It’s been 10 days since I started my latest attempt at rebooting and 6 days since my last PMO. Yeah, I failed 4 days into it but here I am. This time I’m going to focus on bettering myself in other ways besides just avoiding porn. I have to realize that the goal isn’t simply giving up porn, it’s about getting into a healthy positive relationship. A big part of that is my weight and my physical appearance. As of this morning, I’m sitting at 287, and I was giving the task of getting down to 250 by October from my doctor. So that about 80 days to lose 37 pounds. To achieve my goals, I’m adopting a new motto, as seen in the title of this journal, make better decisions. Be it with what I eat, whether I exercise, or if I decided to view porn. I’m going to try to ask myself is this the best choice right now. Sadly, these past couple of months my porn viewing wasn’t random, it was a choice that I rationalized somehow.

    So this journal is probably going to be as much about my weight loss battle as it is with my porn battle. So here to beating our demons, and remember “Make Better Choices”
     
    TrueSelf and occams_razor like this.
  2. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot Start 7/10/2019 0:17
    Last PMO 7/21/2019 22:06
    Current Date 7/22/2019 22:21

    Current Day of Reboot 12
    Days sinces Last PMO 1

    So, if my reboot was a UFC fight then I suffered a 10-second knockout in the first round. There were so many bad decision made in a 24 hour period I can’t list them all. It all started Saturday night, I was at this party and a female friend invited me back to her place, and I had to pass. I simply wasn’t ready for that yet, and unlike some random hook up, I would have to see this girl again. I also doubt she would keep my failures to herself. It gets much worse because instead of using that as fuel to get better, I caved Sunday and PMO’d…several times. But I realize now my new battle day is no longer Saturday, it’s Sunday and I wasn’t prepared for 10am temptation. I was also still hungover, and clearly not thinking straight at all. I’m not going to drinking anything this week so that should help. Diet-wise, Sunday wasn’t great, I ended up getting a double cheeseburger, but I did workout with a hangover. Not smart, NOT SMART. And I had a grilled chicken breast for dinner. Today was a much better day, had a clean breakfast and lunch, and got an 8am workout in. So, simply going to focus on making better choices. Got t2 workouts planned for tomorrow. I already have a healthy lunch prepared, and avoiding porn is easier for me in the first 7 days, 5 days. Not I just have to not focus too much on a missed opportunity, though I think I missed an opportunity is better than failure, right???
     
  3. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot Start: 7/10/2019 0:17
    Last PMO: 7/21/2019 22:06
    Current Date: 7/25/2019 0:11

    Current Day of Reboot: 15
    Days since Last PMO: 3

    So the past 2 days have been rough. I slept horribly Monday night and screwed back, and I don’t think doing 40 minutes on the elliptical made it any better. It was so bad I had to work from home today. So, this means no working out for at least the rest of this week. My body is usually good at recovering after 3 days so hopefully, I’ll be back to normal by Sunday. Being home all day as also made me want to look at porn more than I normally do. I find myself seeing attractive women on TV and my mind starts to wander. I think I’m still stuck on my failure or failure to take off over the weekend. I can’t help but think I blew my chances with that girl, though I don’t know if I even want a shot or not.
    I finally made some changes to my life to help avoid porn. I’ve mostly de-porned my Instagram and I blocked Reddit and twitter. Just have be ready for the urge, whenever it hits…
     
  4. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Good call! I've never used twitter but I've definitely had issues with Reddit. It is just too easy (for me) to go down paths while browsing that lead me away from my goals.
     
  5. big54

    big54 Member

    Yeah, I found Reddit during my last reboot attempt, drove me down the rabbit hole.
     
  6. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot Start: 7/10/2019 0:17
    Last PMO: 7/21/2019 22:06
    Current Date: 7/25/2019 23:43

    Current Day of Reboot: 15
    Days since Last PMO: 4

    Another day down, back at the office today so it was much easier porn wise. No workout today, back was feeling better but clearly no reason to push it. Going to start back up again on Sunday. Food-wise, I actually did pretty good, I resisted the urge to eat McDonald's for dinner, but I’m sure some of that was due to laziness. Have to be ready for this weekend, still find my mind drifting towards porn whenever I see an attractive woman. Hopefully making it through the weekend will help with that.
     
  7. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot Start: 7/10/2019 0:17
    Last PMO: 7/21/2019 22:06
    Current Date: 7/27/2019 3:13

    Current Day of Reboot: 17
    Days since Last PMO: 5

    So, I expected this night to play out completely different than it did. For those who are keeping track, I said I was drinking this weekend, well that lasted until 12:30 this afternoon, and continued till happy hour. The girl from last week invited me to her happy hour. I thought I completely blew any possible shot I had with her but I guess not. Not knowing what to expect and not wanting to actually destroy all future chances I decide to go. What I didn’t expect was for another girl who I really like to be there as well. We bar hop for a bit then end up at a bar with a pool. The girl I like becomes obsessed with getting in the pool, despite the fact that none of us were prepared for it. The girls end up stripping down to their underwear and I just jump in with my pants on, because I actually didn’t think about getting in with just my boxers. One of the girls ends up taking her top off, lots of flashing and touching. Overall it was just an awesome night, as awesome of night that didn’t end in a threesome. Now, I say all that to say to myself, I’m not as hopeless as I think. It both gives me hope and something to focus on, but also angers me because I never fully needed porn. I found porn in high school like most and it would be about 20 years of unabashed porn uses before I realized I had a problem. In the past, a night like this would been “rewarded” with a porn binge. Hell, even the events from last week led to that outcome. But I am here instead. I’ve also decided I’m not going to run from events like this, not like this. I can’t imagine someone experiences too many likes like this in their lives. I mean partying with women and just having fun. I will say I had a decent erection while in the pool which was promising. Can’t have any slip-ups the weekend, so that will be my focus. Bout to pass out tonight so Friday is won.
     
  8. big54

    big54 Member

    Reboot Start: 7/10/2019 0:17
    Last PMO: 7/21/2019 22:06
    Current Date: 8/5/2019 0:24

    Current Day of Reboot: 26
    Days since Last PMO: 14

    I’ve been gone for a minute but I’m back again. I can’t say I’ve been making the best decisions lately. I haven’t PMO’d but I want to. I looked at porn Friday and Saturday night, and now I feel like I’ve undid the little good I did in two weeks. As I write this I’m fighting with the addict part of my brain that is screaming I may as well give in and start fresh, rather than try and fight this massive urge I’m feeling. It’s bad, I just left the movies and thought about porn for half the movie.

    So, I started typing this post around 2pm after the movie but I stopped because I started edging again and the nature of this post was changing. But I had to stop and go visit family, then go to the gym. Somehow I think I made it through the day. Now I much approach this reboot with renewed vigor. I survived a challenge I have never previously made it through. I must remain positive and upbeat. Now I just have to make it off my couch without any trouble.
     

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