Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Deleted User, Jul 2, 2019.
Thats huge, congrats buddy!
Appreciate it my friend, wasn't ignoring your previous post was busy at the time to respond properly.
"You have come so far my man. So proud of you for getting a girlfriend. This is the "you" you have been dreaming about being for so long! Remember to stop and celebrate that. It is important to pause sometimes and remember how far we have come. Personally, I'm in the process of buying myself a motorcycle and getting my licence as a "treat" for finally having sex and quitting porn. It serves as a symbol of both who I am and who I used to be."
You're dead right, I'm getting closer to myself everyday. Thanks, I'll be going for a good half day hike with my girlfriend this weekend and I will be taking time when I'm at the top of the mountain to reflect on where I have come from and where I am now. Awesome man, a motorcycle is a very good symbol of freedom.
I simply cannot believe it was only 3 months ago that I was beginning to believe I could be doomed forever. Never in my wildest dreams I would have imagined that in September I would be 3 months without any porn whatsoever, be having good regular sex (still moderate dysfunctions, but she said no worse than anything with previous partners) and be with the type of girl that I am with.
Great to hear you are doing so well. I'm really happy for you! We truly did this, man.
102 days no porn or masturbation
I'm starting to feel slightly more energy throughout the day. Instead of my brain feeling entirely asleep it now just tends to feel mostly asleep.
Boners are more reliable in bed. Still averaging 80-90% EQ. They seem to be fading less.
Next time I see my girlfriend it will be 1 week no O. I will be off of ED meds entirely so I'll report back on that.
I've started to notice some P cravings recently, lots of flashbacks. But also my brain is seeking novelty in real life, it's like the addiction part of my brain is still screaming for novelty and presents itself as libido - I don't think it is genuine libido. This causes me to sometimes look at Women and feel quite aroused - I know it's natural as a guy to experience this and especially as an ex novelty addict. But Christ it's almost like battling porn, I have an unimaginably deep connection with my girlfriend and there's no way in hell I'd ever jeopardize that.
Viewed P for 3 seconds.
I was on a safe article, clicked onto the next article and bam, my screen was lit up with P GIFs. After a back-and-forward in my mind I clicked on one of them, after about 3 seconds I recognized what I was doing and clicked off and wiped history. Even that 3 seconds was enough to get that 'racing' feeling in my head, elevate my heart rate and make my hands shake slightly. I called my girlfriend and she managed to pull my head from a negative spiral. I'm very, very fortunate to be with someone who is open and understanding - I really couldn't have imagined someone like her exists a few months ago.
My body temperature is up, my joints are aching and my tonsils are foked - perhaps partial explanation of last nights slip up. I'm getting a flu, I need to ensure to drink plenty of water and get good sleep. I also need to devise a diversion technique next time I'm exposed to any P. Ideas welcomed, I'll probably make it something like a 15 minute walk followed by my affirmations.
You can try Block image an extenstion for chrome. I always put it on if I'm going on some site I think might be sketchy. Atleast you didn't M to it.
This incident gave you some kind of negative effect on your libido the next days? Like flatline symptoms?
I wouldn't say so.
But very hard to tell because this flu has developed to tonsillitis. My ability to discern cause of symptoms is not possible.
4 Months into recovery 2 days from now.
I did slip up today.. I MO'd to thoughts of my girlfriend.
I felt off all day, the aftermath of a bad flu and terrible sleep for 1 week +. When I got home I was incredibly tired. I also had the chaser effect from orgasm via sex yesterday. It just happened my brain was screaming out for orgasm and I caved. First time MO'ing in 4 months. Rather unfortunate.
Anyway, only up from here..
It's my birthday in a couple of weeks, I'll be turning 24. I have a girlfriend, I can get hard enough for sex a few times per week and my girlfriend is 100% on board with us practicing Karezza (sex without the goal of orgasm) and is supportive of me quitting porn. Summer is on it's way in my country and I'm about to finish my first year at university. I have a great deal to look forward to in life. I'm exercising 6+ times per week, I have a very good nutrition plan. I just need to dial in my meditation and sleep hygiene.
Everything is better than I ever imagined it could be.. I'm still often anxious and almost always quite depressed. But, now I have much more hope and a lot of confidence that with all of these great things in my life I will gradually feel better and end up feeling on top of the world before too long.
Have you ever tried sleep medication Universal? It's been my secret and one tip I'm going to add in my success story. I cycle through two a week, one over the counter and one prescribed to me and I switch it every week so the tolerance doesn't build up. Most of my relapses would happen when I couldn't get any sleep so they've been a real help this past year.
Seems like you're doing good. You in Australia or New Zealand?
No I've never tried sleep meds. Interested to hear what you take?
Yeah definitely, probably 90% of my slip ups are sleep related.
Yeah m8, born here in NZ. Are you from Aus/NZ also?
I take Lunesta and Doxylamine (unisom over the counter). I've also taken Ambien, but Lunesta lets me sleep longer but takes a bit longer to set in. Ambien is pretty sudden and I used to only take it when I woke up in the middle of the night. I honestly don't know if I could have been rebooting this long without them so you should really give them a thought. I think the media exaggerates their side effects as I've never had any.
And no, sadly I'm in Trump land....
Slipped up on Friday. I viewed p-subs for a couple minutes recently and MO'd a couple hours later.
140 days (20 weeks) into recovery:
- 3-4? Very short p/p-sub instances (Instagram/google)
- 2x MO
- 3x M (early on)
- 3-4 weeks longest no intentional O
Currently 4 days no O. My girlfriend and I have been trying Karezza, difficult to stay back from O but we're definitely making good progress. My intention is to get a good no O streak in. This was everything I was wanting for a long time, someone to do this with. I really struck gold finding someone with her mind.
Symptoms.. EQ and libido are very slowly but quite steadily improving. EQ is almost always enough to penetrate, though it can require some small amount of physical stimulation. I still have that bullshit 'have to be near O to be 80%+ hard' thing, really probably a sign I shouldn't force things when it's not happening. MW occurs with no discernable pattern, mental fatigue / brain fog is still present most of every day and fucking sucks because it makes me feel like a complete retard. My sleep seems to be improving (particularly time to fall asleep), the dumbest shit still triggers me easily and flashbacks are very vivid, I seem to be finding it easier to switch to other thoughts when cravings arise, still have plenty of visual symptoms: flashing lights, floaters, snow. Tinnitus present.
Until next time
I need to do some psychological assessment, this isn't going to be a short post. I'm going to spill my mind entirely.
I masturbated and orgasmed to porn.
I feel utterly sick to my stomach. The dumbest fucking thing was that I wasn't enjoying any of it and I didn't even like what I was seeing, but I felt compelled to keeping going down the rabbit hole. I feel like I'm spinning inside my head, like I'm falling over, stumbling, trying to catch myself mentally right now.
Here's what happened.
11pm, going to bed, urges had been on me strong for an hour. I got on my phone and was looking at youtube, I messed up right there and typed in 'yoga' and saw a thumbnail of yoga in skimpy clothing and it quickly escalated to landing on a porn site from there. The typing of 'yoga' was my mind knowing I would be exposed to skimpy content. Total maybe 20 minutes. I didn't even get hard until I touched myself half way through and even then I was only 50% hard. I get harder just thinking of my girlfriend. As it was occurring part of me wanted to stop but apparently a bigger part didn't want to stop. I don't even know what to type, I'm going numb to everything right now - I think and then feel emotion for a split second and the numbness quickly takes over. If I weren't going numb right now, things would be very bad and I would end up doing something I regret.
1 week away from 5 months clean, not to mention it occured 10 hours before my end of year exam for computer science. There has to be something about self sabotage in here. Is this self sabotage so I can easily justify doing poorly in my exam? After all the fucking things I've done for and to myself to reach this point, and I relapse.
Immediately after I orgasmed I felt like being sick. I lay there for a minute and felt like slicing a big 'N' on my left thigh and 'O' on my right thigh so I could read 'NO' everytime I look down at my pelvic region. I also had some imagery of opening my wrists up and bleeding out in my bed, or driving my car into a tree - but these are all tactics to avoid responsibility. I thought about the promises I made to my girlfriend and how caring, loving and understanding she is with me - that's really what hurts most of all, because she's the first person who's really shown true care about me.
Why did I relapse? I don't know, that's the thing that really annoys me - 6 years and I have been unable to entirely pin this fucker down. Is it as simple as wanting dopamine and being caught off guard? Could it really just be that? Or is it a case of something psychologically pathological within me? Is all addiction pain relief? Is it childhood and parental related, is it really true I've been programmed to have low self-esteem and constantly feel unloved? Have I trained myself for a decade to believe that porn is the only thing that can love me? Is the love I've received recently been the reason why I have managed to be so successful at quitting these past 5 months?
I don't understand this. I'm not even attracted to the shit I looked at. I didn't even get hard to the porn, it barely aroused me. It just goes to show that a decade of training really is just that - it's just training, NOT liking or true wanting. I'm really not attracted to anyone besides my girlfriend. I get shivers everytime I see her, it's the most I've ever been attracted to anyone in my life and I can hold her basically anytime I like.
I feel the pressure of not wanting to hurt someone who I genuinely believe could be a life partner. I also feel the pain knowing I'll be telling her this tomorrow night, she's been through so much, I don't want to add to that pain. To see such a joyful face become sad is horrible and it's fucking tortue when I'm the cause.
I've had so many thoughts tonight about running away from this somehow, inventing lies to myself, lies about reasons why I don't have to tell her. All lies they are. But I'm not doing that because that's not me anymore. That's not me because I'm a problem solver and running isn't how you solve problems, I refuse to be average and I refuse to fail. I made a promise to give full disclosure, and I'm fucking keeping it.
Relapsing has always felt to me like the world is ending. I almost always have intense imagery of killing myself. This time it was accompanied by my partner leaving me. I know I would be fine if she left me, obviously it would hurt like hell but I would move on eventually. Ultimately it's about what's best for the both of us, I believe that's us staying together.
It's now 1.30 am, I have a very intense headache and I will probably have a 4 hour sleep before my end of year exam. I just broke a 5 month clean streak and I will be telling my girlfriend tomorrow night that I fucked up. But I refuse to be average and I refuse to fail. I made a promise to her to give full disclosure and I made a promise to myself to take Extreme Ownership - I'm fucking keeping them both.
Now that I've written this down, and let my mind vent I can stop feeling sorry for myself. This is a very temporary set back and in 1 year from now I will be able to look back on it knowing that I learned more to conquer more.
If there were ever a time for learning, it is now. I will dedicate a large sum of time this coming weekend to iron out the fundamental behaviors which will help me remain clean. 5 months from now I will be 10 months into recovery with only 1 PMO. 5 months from now I will look back on this event as a learning opportunity. 5 months from now I will have astronomically higher abilities of self overcoming in all domains. 5 months from now and the relationship I have with my love will be stronger than ever. This addiction dies tonight at its root; I forgive myself for this occurrence and I love myself unconditionally.
I know I will win. It's who I am.
Defeat is a state of mind. No one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as reality.
Other than death, all failure is psychological.
3 Objectives today
- Sit my exam. Done.
- No porn of any form
- Disclose to my girlfriend
Considering I had 3.5 hours sleep and I just relapsed, my exam went slightly better than expected. I was very distracted by relapse thoughts during the exam, thinking about how to overcome this and how I will disclose it. I managed to switch them off when I realized they were occuring.
All day I've had cravings, for anything - sex, porn, food and drugs. It really affirms that I'm a dopamine addict, I've just trained myself to feel that porn is the best and quickest method to get dopamine. This addiction has counterintuitively very little to do with sexuality at this point - I probably had all the pre-requesites to become an addict, dopamine addiction just mapped itself over sexuality. Proven by not even getting hard or liking what I was seeing - I just wanted more of that feeling of being pain free, not more of those images. I need to be careful for the rest of the day, running on 3.5 hours sleep a day after relapse is recipe for disaster.
It's 2.30pm, here's the afternoon plan:
Gym, buy food, drive home, eat, unload car, shower, nap, study, girlfriend, sleep.
6 days ago I PMO'd. Despite my recent slip up I feel very good.
This is the least I've ever felt tempted to binge/repeat after PMOing during a good streak. Since then EQ has been only very slightly worse but I'm still able to have sex, once or twice I had to encourage EQ to penetrate, but I've also had a couple instances of being 90+% for short periods (typically a bit closer to O).
If I have to pin down why I'm not tempted to PMO it's a matter of a few things: 1. When I PMO'd I felt like the sensitization had almost died, despite not seeing it for almost 5 months I didn't find it very rewarding whatsoever - I've never had a PMO session where it felt so hollow. This is the result of a long break. 2. My girlfriend - since being with her my void hasn't been screaming so bad, receiving affection from someone external definitely quietens the voices of self hatred. She's also very understanding and helpful with my addiction recovery. 3. I just really want life more now, I'm not interested in the things that are going to tow me under, even if once upon a time they were the supreme short term pleasures of my life.
Orgasm count: All through sex (2x MO, 2x Wet Dream)
July - 17
Aug - 12
Sep - 15-25?
My orgasm frequency has significantly reduced. Whenever I would spend a weekend with my girlfriend it would be 1-3x everyday. It's now 0-2x every weekend and continually improving. We're learning Karezza, it's a very valuable tool.
I still believe rewiring has a role, but I think reduction or temporary elimination of orgasm is the primary factor in recovery (obviously after you've moved away from porn).
160 days since I started rebooting without very frequent relapses.
In the past 160 days:
- A ton of sex with many, many O's
- 1x tube site PMO
- 1x social media PMO
- 2x MO
- 5x ? peeks, mostly mild (images)
Over the past month my rough average O frequency has gone from 2-4x/week to about 1-2x/week.
Everything is still going strong with my girlfriend and EQ is almost always 80%+ with definite times of 95% for short bursts. We've been intentionally practicing no O sex but things can still get very heated and we O from time to time.
I've just moved back to my fathers house for summer (Dec-Mar). I will be seeing my gf on weekends only now (2-3x/week).
Recovery related Summer goals:
- Reduce O frequency and see an improvement in MW, right now it's essentially no existent. I believe it's a very good objective measure of sexual recovery.
- Balance my circadian rhythm and do more 'recovery stuff' ie. meditation, improving sleep, nutrition etc. I have it in detail on paper.
Some notes on symptoms:
- Porn cravings seem much less monstrous these days, it's like I have a much greater ability to sometimes laugh at the cravings rather than being completely captivated by them.
- My sleep seems to have improved very recently. I still wake up pretty damn tired everyday but generally my body feels okay. For years until recently my body and mind would feel entirely dead when I would wake up. I feel better now on 6 hours sleep than I used to, sleeping 7.5 hours. I still aim for 7.5-9 everyday.
- Sex 2-3x / week
8 days no O
Months since PMO
Months since MO
1 Week since P viewing
EQ is 90% during sex for about <15 minutes, fades quickly when not PIV
Libido is relatively low but I still very much want sex
Cravings come and go, fairly weak most of the time
MW is basically non-existent, hard to say - I don't often sleep well
Wet dreams happen maybe 1x/month at this rate. As my sex O's decrease they will increase
My second year of university commences in 1 month from now. The next 5 months are supposedly the most difficult of my degree, so I need to be prepared.
What I'm making the most progress on right now: Refraining from Orgasm during sex. My girlfriend and I have been practicing Karezza after reading Marnia's book 'Cupids Poisoned Arrow'.
What I feel like I'm losing progress on: My strictness with peeking, I need to follow an absolute zero peek policy - I tend to fall into the trap of 'just this 10 seconds'
EQ continues to improve, I get hard very quickly now. When I'm with my girlfriend I get noticeable blood flow from kissing and 85%+ as soon as pants come off. It does fade fairly quickly though, but never goes down during sex, just if I pull out and there's no stimulation for 20-30second's.
Unfortunately I think the EQ is maintained during the act due to always being so close to O. This is because my sensitivty is ungodly, I could literally O in less than 10 seconds if I let myself. Supposedly PE can be a good sign of receptor downrelation (marinas book), I need to double check the book.
No improvement in MW but some improvement in libido.
I have used P a few times recently, varying from minor peeks to 2 PMO's since the new year.
University starts Monday. Writing all my goals out today. I will make it a good year
Bruh. You're still active? I'm back too. Slipped back into old habits and looking to kick it before it becomes PIED again.
Still active, I have taken significant time off the forum since when you were active. Currently better than I've ever been, much improvement to go.
Shoot me a PM, tell me what's been happening
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