Hi everyone, making a new journal. Quick intro. I used to have an old account here under the name 'universal'. 23 years old. I discovered porn at 10 or 11 years old. In-fact, the first time I ever masturbated was to an underwear catalog at 10 years old in my bathroom. Since then, pornography and masturbation have been nothing but destructive forces in my life. I started using high speed porn at 14-15, shortly thereafter I developed an addiction and discovered I had PIED at 17, when a girl tried to get me off but I was completely limp, literally 0% erect. Looking back I had PIED by myself before this event but I had never payed attention to it. I discovered it was PIED within a couple of months and found yourbrainrebalanced and yourbrainonporn before my 18th birthday. That is correct, from age 17 until age 23 I have been unable to quit porn. My best streak to date was at age 19 when I went 110 days no porn and 40 days no M. Besides that I did do 60 days strict hardmode toward the end of last year. This forum is where it all began and this is where I'm going to finish it. ***** Recovery Timeline ***** - - - - - Begin 24/June/2019 - - - - - 24.June - O. Rewiring (6 hours, PE, 65% max) 28.June - Wet Dream (no P theme) 02.July - 2x O. Rewiring (4 hours, 70% max) 04.July - 2x O. Rewiring (a few hours, 90% max) 09.July - 2x O. Rewiring (6 hours, 85% max - semi fleeting) 12.July - 2x O. Rewiring (8 hours, 75% max - fleeting without PIV) 14.July - No O. Rewiring (1.5hours, 75% max - quick fleeting without PIV) NOTE: So far all rewiring sessions have me close to O within 1 minute of PIV 19.July - 30 Days no porn or masturbation 19.July - 2x O. Rewiring (6 hours, 75% max - quick fleeting) 21.July - 2x O. Rewiring (2 hours, cialis 90% max, DE) 28.July - 3x O. Rewiring (7 hours, cialis, 90% max first round. Moderate PE. 2nd & 3rd round EQ dropping to 60%) 29.July - 2x O. Rewiring (5 hours, low dose Cialis. Poor EQ most of time) 02.August - 3x O. Rewiring (8 hours, Cialis 20mg, 85% EQ fairly consistent) 04.August - 3x O. Rewiring (6 hours, Cialis 10mg, 85% EQ, not bad but quick to fade without PIV) 06.August - 1x O. Rewiring (6 hours) 07.August - 2x O. One on top of a fucking massive cliff in nature. Rewiring: Spent entire day with partner 08.August - 1x O. 1 hour Rewiring 12.August - Wet Dream. First person, no P theme. Sex with L 31.August - Wet Dream. First person, no P theme. BJ from L 05.Sep - 1x O. Rewiring 4 hours. 06.Sep - 2-4x O (Can't remember). Full day spent with girlfriend. 07.Sep - 1x O. Few hours with girlfriend 08.Sep - 1-2x O. Whole day with girlfriend 09.Sep - 2x O. Few hours in morning with girlfriend 10.Sep - 06.Nov, sex 1-5x/week with some orgasms 06.Nov - PMO
I'll make the first post a positive one. I hooked up with a girl 2 weeks ago, last night I went over and told her about my issues. She seemed understanding (I guess we'll see in the coming weeks) and told me she can wait. Prior to last night I was very close to cutting ties with her to save myself the embarrassment. But I wanted to keep seeing her despite the discomfort, so I bit the bullet and basically everything turned out as good as it could have. Had sex (sorta) 70% hard at max for a short while. So, that's really the first time I've ever had sex. 6 years of PIED and in the past I've penetrated twice for about 2 pumps (literally) while very drunk. But this is the first time I've actually ever had sex for more than 2 pumps while engaging with a girl. I never would have imagined that I would have been able to do this while being only 14 days clean - seriously it's mind blowing. I've always assumed I'd always need months and months of hardmode to even get hard enough to penetrate. I've been dealing with this damn problem and have been unable to quit since 2013. Enough is enough. I'm 2 weeks free of P and M. I've never connected with anyone on the level I have with this girl, and it's as though all of my desire for the porn void has dissolved. No more porn, no more masturbation, it's all over. I am now journaling to detail my recovery process, not the quitting process. Time to focus on life, I have goal setting to do today. Until I have an update, thanks to all on this forum.
(Trigger Warning) Notes to myself.. I went around to her place again. I'm going to start referring to her as 'L'. A few hours of rewiring. I was a bit worried at the start because I had almost zero libido. I O'd once at night after sex, had to keep changing positions to keep it up. I was actually almost fully erect which was amazing, it wasn't 'locking' but there were moments where I did get almost full. Definitely harder than a few days ago. Tried for round 2 an hour later but erection kept fading. O'd again in the morning after sex, I had to keep pausing due to PE and when I was pausing erection was fading fairly quick. I definitely noticed that need for 'constant stimulation'. PE was present, I noticed it's largely to do with my pelvic floor so I'm going to address that. Libido was very poor so I really need to commit to hardmode. L has been house sitting for a couple of days so it will be more difficult for us to do this again anytime soon. She will be going overseas for 1 month in August so from now until she returns I am going to try to have no O's. Guys, I can't fucking believe what the fuck I've been missing out on. If you ever get the chance, bite the bullet and just fucking do it. Right now I literally feel like I would rather die than go back to being a fapping porn user.
Okay, 3 weeks no P or M I'm definitely Oing too much. Last night was 5 days without O and the past two days I was experiencing a very quiet hum of libido and extra bloodflow with morning wood. Among: sleep deprivation, post-O induced and perhaps 'missing her' I get pretty hefty depressive symptoms the day after rewiring. Really, it's a combination of all 3 and I'm tempted to say it's mostly because we only achieve 4-5 hours sleep when we see each other. I know I'm supposed to be not Oing, but I am very fucking happy that at least my O's are with a great girl and not some cyber nonsense. 23 days from now she'll be going overseas for 1 month so my aim is to stay O-free until then. Hopefully that can bump up my mood and EQ. After that I'll go for another 1 month stretch at minimum while she's overseas.
Very quick report. I Tried some cialis today, Dear lord. 1st time I was standing up (sex) in the outdoors after hiking for an hour and it was only slightly noticeable. A couple hours later we went again, 90ish% max and it stayed for longer than usual. It's definitely not a magic silver bullet to fix all of my issues but it sure as hell made things much better. During sex I did start to go soft a couple times but it quickly came back and for one of the first times in perhaps 6 years I felt as though I were almost 100% full. Very close to that feeling we used to get as young teens where it felt like we were about to burst from the hardness. I sort of had DE for the first time ever and I really had to concentrate on finishing. I have a near limitless supply of cialis so this is very good. I can't believe how far I've come in 1 month. I was alone, depressed, confused and basically a virgin. Thinking I still had 100% severe case of PIED. 33 days later I'm 33 days free of P and M. Had sex about 15 times and finally with the cialis had 'as fast/hard as I could give it without PE' gorilla sex. I'm still so far away from my ultimate goals: 2 years free of P, 90 days hardmode, morning wood and strong libido return, clear cognition. But damn, never underestimate what could happen in 1 month. The goals above used to feel so daunting, it felt like being on a hill and staring toward a distant field with 100's of obstacles blocking me. Now it's more like a path with a few prickly shrubs in the way.
Damn, great read my dude! Proud of you. It has been great to battle this together, and even better to see us both have great progress both on a personal basis and with porn/sex. You are ahead of me when it comes to ditching porn, well done! I'm excited to see whats to come. Is your plan to continue to use Cialis? I don't know anything about it really, is it similar to viagra?
It's crazy how much of a connection can be built through only see anothers words. Thanks for the help brother. I think the most important thing to consider is that you've lost the fear of porn, now I guess it's a matter of figuring out a strategy of minimizing risk: tiredness, being alone, stress etc. Yeah Cialis is similar to Viagra except cialis lasts for <36 hours, as opposed to Viagras 4 hours. From my understanding these drugs help prevent the cycling out of compounds which maintain blood flow, so it still requires a good deal of arousal which I strongly lack. It's like when you're working out in the gym - if you take a supplement such as citruline malate before a workout it will help push blood into the muscle being worked, whereas Cialis and Viagra will help prevent that 'send blood here' signal from weakening. I have a large supply of Cialis so I do plan on continued use. I don't see any down side to it, some rebooters are against it but I've never seen a rational argument be made against it. My argument in favour of Cialis is that I experience no negative side effects, it's better to have sex than not and it works outside of the brain so it's not going to impact recovery. My body will be ready to maintain strong EQ when it's ready, right now it's not ready and Cialis just helps things along. End of Month update, here is what July looked like for me: 02.July - 2x O. Rewiring (4 hours, 70% max) 04.July - 2x O. Rewiring (a few hours, 90% max) 09.July - 2x O. Rewiring (6 hours, 85% max - semi fleeting) 12.July - 2x O. Rewiring (8 hours, 75% max - fleeting without PIV) 14.July - No O. Rewiring (1.5hours, 75% max - quick fleeting without PIV) NOTE: So far all rewiring sessions have me close to O within 1 minute of PIV 19.July - 30 Days no porn or masturbation 19.July - 2x O. Rewiring (6 hours, 75% max - quick fleeting) 21.July - 2x O. Rewiring (2 hours, cialis 90% max, DE) 28.July - 3x O. Rewiring (7 hours, cialis, 90% max first round. Moderate PE. 2nd & 3rd round EQ dropping to 60%) 29.July - 2x O. Rewiring (5 hours, low dose Cialis. Poor EQ most of time) 17 Orgasms. Too much. I really need to aim for 1-2 maximum per month imo. On the positive side, today is 6 weeks no Porn or M. EDIT: Actually... what the fuck do I mean, 'on the positive side'... The positive side is that I'm having regular sex with a great girl - this is all I ever wanted throughout the entire reboot process. The girl I've been seeing is going back to her home country for a month soon, it's a good chance to have a no O period. Who knows where this relationship will go, though I don't see it being super long term.. I'm soon to be 24, she's 27 and we're both very ambitious - that is the main thing that will drive us apart, our ambitions. I do wonder if I'm rebound meat to her sometimes but she also does things like cook me dinner when I go over so who knows. I'm probably overthinking the whole thing. Anyway, if/when it ends I'm going back to monk mode for some time if I feel I need more recovery. From there I will be 'plate spinning' (seeing girls non-exclusively - without lieing to them about that). I don't think I'm mature enough to have a partner yet, though I don't act it I'm fairly needy and insecure about being cheated on/girls seeing other guys.. I know one thing, having 2+ girls on your list definitely kills that neediness, at least toward any one particular girl.
50 Days no P or M 0 Days no O Okay, Truth is I feel like utter shit right now. A combination of: recurring flu, sleep deprivation over the past 2-4 weeks, missing L (girl I've been seeing), grandmother is very sick, career/study stuff. I'll try keep this brief. I just properly cried for the first time in a very long time. The girl I've been seeing for the past 6 weeks (known her since March) just left to go back to her home for 1 month, it wasn't exactly easy and probably not the main culprit of me crying but it plays it's part. I think most of how I'm feeling is due to realizing what I've been fucking missing out on all these years. Yesterday and the day before I took L 2 hours out of town to a beach town and we spent the entire day together - that's the first time I've ever spent the day with someone whom I'm intimate with. So much has happened these past 6 weeks of knowing her, many intense things. Let alone other things in my life, I just can't believe how much has occurred.. So I'm probably not really sad just perhaps overwhelmed. Usually I'd be fine but the lack of sleep and this illness is preventing me from dealing with it appropriately. It was funny though, I was sitting there sobbing away for 5 minutes, as I was finishing I received a message from her thanking me for the good times these past weeks.. Life works in funny ways sometimes. I've actually booked myself in to see a counselor at the University, because though I'm sure it's sleep deprivation, I've been feeling progressively worse the past couple of weeks. I just need to remind myself what I've overcome in the past and how fucking far I've come. I've had far too many orgasms and sleepless nights the past 1.5 months. I really need to take this time while she's away for 1 month to properly sort my fucking life out, get back on track with sleep and focus on things that need fixing. What I need to resolve: 1. Frame (a)I'm not being my mental point of origin - b)I'm not putting enough effort into my studies - c)I need to read more - d) My subtle cues of neediness, I can tell, has caught L by surprise) 2. Discipline (Time management, procrastination etc.) 3. Importance (I've caught myself saying things like "this doesn't count" when doing something sub-par) 4. Money (Spending too much on nonsense) 5. Recovery stuff (No O for the next month, pelvic floor causing PE) How to fix these: The Actions to Take 1. a) Orientation daily. These are a set of actions I will take when I first rise and then right prior to bed, they are: Order (clean room), Physical training (gym, walk, rehab exercises), Meditate, Affirmations, Journal. It seems like a lot but the goal is to get them done, even if the meditation is 10 breaths or the walk is 2 minutes - just fucking do it. b) Follow my study schedule c) Read 20 pages per day; I'm reading content such as 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' at the moment. d) c also takes care of this 2. I think the easiest way to increase discipline is to get a solid sleeping schedule and stick to it. 3. Create affirmations for putting my top effort in always. Laying each small brick in life as perfectly as I can. 4. Don't spend money on bullshit. 5. This used to be daunting, it should be no sweat now. I also need to set up Pelvic floor exercises, over the next month if I can get good at these I should have much better sexual encounters with L
Wet Dream last night, First wet dream in almost 2 months which is quite weird for me, typically they're far more frequent but due to the massive frequency of orgasms I've had recently it's no surprise. Gotta be honest, I feel like utter shite still. My sleep has been horrible the past 2 months, my eye has been twitching for almost a month now. I've been sick with a cold that just won't seem to go away and now my upper back is incredibly stiff due to tension/anxiety. The girl I had been seeing is over in her home country for another 3 weeks. I wasn't anticipating the impact it would have on me. It's not so missing her directly it's just more of the fact of going 23 years with very very little intimate connection and now as soon as I get a taste for 6 weeks it's gone again. Also I think the thought of her being back home and the possibility of her hooking up with some guy is definitely playing on my mind. I mean shit, we're just fooling around and she's free to do whatever because we're not actually in a relationship - but still. Anyway, I'm taking some time off of lifting weights to kick this cold / general rundown sense I have. I'm starting back at Brazilian Jiujitsu tonight. It should elevate my mood.
18 days no intentional O. 10 days until F buddy returns to the country. I'll aim to continue the no O streak when she's back but we have a lot of time to make up for and it's highly possible that I will O. I just need to make sure I don't have multiple O's in one day. Ideally I would go for an absolute minimum of 2 weeks between O's. Past few days I've been waking up not absolutely crushed by tiredness. This morning colors felt a bit more vibrant and overall I have more energy. This correlates well with previous reboots. Once I get to 60+ days things just seem to get better slowly. I've never achieved 70-80+ days with no P & M. So, I'm breaking into new territory soon. 17th September and it will be the first time ever in my 6 years of reboot attempts to achieve 90 days no P or M. Here I come.
75 days no P or M. 3/4 to 100 boys. This is the best no P or M period since I was 11 years old, how sad. Sad for the circumstance, but happy with my effort. Wet dream a couple nights ago.e Definitely has a negative impact, although seemingly less than at the start of my reboot. Difficult to say how much of an impact the wet dream had. I also had a few days of hiking with little sleep - Either way, the morning brain fog has returned. L returns to my town in 2 days after not seeing her or doing any rewiring for the past 4 weeks. Excited to test EQ. I got myself a boat load of ED meds, 200 days of cialis (5mg/day) and about 100 rounds of 25mg viagra (25mg pre-sex). I'm basing this protocol off of this study: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/24387078/ The combination is superior to either or. I don't see any down side to taking ED meds, as long as I'm not forcing anything (especially orgasm). ED meds = more sex = more rewiring = healthier reward system = less likely to use porn. The only downside is psychological reliance, but I have a great plan for that. When I feel it's time to phase ED meds out I will reduce dose and also make myself placebo capsules which will look identical to the ED meds.
Haha yep. Cialis 5mg and Viagra 25mg are considered minimum standard doses. I will ensure to take as little as possible. I'm actually feeling fairly confident with my recovery at this point. I always thought I would be an extreme, 2 years of hardmode required kind of guy, but I'm actually fairing as well or better when I map my current streak/symptoms compared to guys who recover in under 1 year. With proper attention to my sleep, meditation, affirmations and limiting O I should recover relatively quick. When I say relatively quick I'm still expecting another few months at least.
Here's a snapshot of the past month: 08.August - 1x O. 1 hour Rewiring 12.August - Wet Dream. First person, no P theme. Sex with L 31.August - Wet Dream. First person, no P theme. BJ from L 05.Sep - 1x O. Rewiring 4 hours. 06.Sep - 2-4x O (Can't remember). Full day spent with girlfriend. 07.Sep - 1x O. Few hours with girlfriend 08.Sep - 1-2x O. Whole day with girlfriend 09.Sep - 2x O. Few hours in morning with girlfriend Today is day 80 no P and no M. So the girl I have talked about above arrived back from her home country after 4 weeks of not seeing her. We talked about a TON of stuff, she bought up the discussion of being exclusive with each other and I agreed - I now have a girlfriend. Besides a 3 month thing when I was 14 and a 7-8 month 'friends with benefits with horrible PIED' at 18... This is my first girlfriend ever at the age of 23. Quite strange to type that out. She told me some deep stuff about her self and I told her about this addiction. Thankfully she was very understanding and so far seems very supportive. I'm absolutely wrecked today. She arrived in the country Thursday night and came over, spent the entire day Friday with her, few hours in the morning and night with her Saturday and then Sunday we spent the entire day together again until she went back to her flat Monday morning (today). I didn't sleep much over the weekend and I had about 8 orgasms.. No wonder I am wrecked. It's like this overarching feeling of absolute tiredness and dread. From here onward: I'm going to be less obsessive about tracking my rewiring and erection quality. Instead I will only track more major events: O's, wet dreams, days I have a full day with partner, EQ that reaches 90-100% for a sustained duration, big no P/M milestones etc. A letter to myself: If you want to retain this girl to the best of your ability you need to man the fuck up and get healed. That means: sleep more and sleep better (even when she's over), take some fucking responsibility for your actions and reduce your O frequency to 1x every 1-3 weeks, eat well, train hard, study hard and smart. Why O every 1-3 weeks? Because 90% of my wet dreams occur between 10-21 days. Wet dreams cause me to have worse negative side effects than when I'm Oing from sex.
So the protocol I'm following calls for 5mg Cialis everyday (lasts for <36 hours). So I was on minimum dosage possible of Cialis the entire time. My erections decreased in an almost linear fashion after each O primarily because each O also decreased my libido. My first 1-2 rounds of sex were some of my best ever in terms of eq, almost 100% (but that was Cialis 5mg and Viagra 30mg). However, I have had better round 1 erections WITHOUT any ED meds compared to after round 2-3 this weekend. Just goes to show that libido is the true driver of erections and ED meds only really help to prevent quick fades. Here's what I will do to track my true state: I will take a full week off of all ED meds on the last week of each month to check progress.
Note to self: Stop overthinking everything. As long as I'm not watching porn or masturbating I will heal. If I reduce orgasm to once every 1-4 weeks I will heal quicker. This process has no obligation to make sense or be linear, stressing about it will only impede recovery. Have no expectations. Just have confidence that you're on the right path. Just have confidence that you're on the right path, no matter how long it is.
You have come so far my man. So proud of you for getting a girlfriend. This is the "you" you have been dreaming about being for so long! Remember to stop and celebrate that. It is important to pause sometimes and remember how far we have come. Personally, I'm in the process of buying myself a motorcycle and getting my licence as a "treat" for finally having sex and quitting porn. It serves as a symbol of both who I am and who I used to be.
