Make Better Choices, again

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by big54, Nov 8, 2020.

  1. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Wednesday, October 20, 2021

    No PMO – 61 days, 29 days until 90 days PMO free
    No Porn – 8 days, 6 days until I hit 14 days porn free

    So, not feeling any temptations or any cravings I just had a thought I wanted to express that was rather sad. So, there’s a movie out there call About Time, about a guy who can go back and relive points in his life and change them. He uses the ability to improve his love life, it’s one of my favorite “cute” movies, lol. Well, that movie was on and I thought at what point of time in my life I would go back and try and change and I realized that from about 22 to 30 there were no moments in my life to go back to. I lived in a porn filled bubble that kept me from even attempting from talking to women. And it wasn’t fear cause I didn’t know was PIED was, I was just so content partying with friends and going home and watching porn to fulfil that need. So, I guess I realized how much I truly lost to porn. Cause even after I found out about PIED , I never viewed myself as a porn addict. I never obsessed over it, viewed it at inappropriate times. Addiction isn’t about the lack of control you have over it, but the amount of control it has over you. I find it hilarious I’m 61 days into my rehab before I finally realized this.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  2. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Yo! Still doing this?
     
  3. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Wednesday, October 27, 2021

    No PMO – 67 days, 23 days until 90 days PMO free
    No Porn – 1 days, 2 day until I hit 3 days porn free

    Good days and bad days…

    So, I’m back from my cruise, and it was ok. I met some women, but they were all in relationships save one, who wasn’t very attractive. I feel like if I was secure in my ability I would’ve made a move. But she really wasn’t my type to even make the attempt. But sadly when I got back yesterday one of the first things I did was look at porn. Being stuck on the boat, and hanging out with attractive women I couldn’t have had me in a place where I want to look at porn on the boat, but the internet was horrible.

    Back on land and the situation with my crush is still agonizing. I always feel the need to apologize to anyone reading this cause I feel like a broken record on this, and I feel like y’all are probably sick of reading of this. Part of me is sick of writing about it, a big part. But I have to because so much of this reboot is tied to this woman. I once described her as the final girl in the TV show about my life. I came up with another description, she is the super-secret boss in the video game of my life. For all of those here who aren’t game players, in certain games – mostly RPGs like Final Fantasy – have secret bosses that you have to find and are 100x harder than the actual final boss of the game. Sorry, I went on a tangent. When I look at this woman, I’m always starstruck by just how beautiful she is…

    So, I’m reading a novel in November based on this woman. It’s about a woman who is the living embodiment of the goddess of love, and all the men she meets fall in love with her, and she has no idea why. That’s how I feel about this woman. Damn this was really a tangent.

    So, yesterday(Monday) she invited me to karaoke, with our mutual male friend, who literally 2 weeks ago she was going to stop hanging out with cause the were beefing. Pretty sure I wrote about that here. But the ENTIRE time I felt like she was sending me signs, but as I try to remember what they were I can’t really place it, beside what could be interrupted as longing glances. Well tonight (Tuesday) we met up for the birthday of a friend’s son, a grown kid so it was at a bar. And she spent most of the night talking to our mutual friend. And one of the rare occasion when I tried flirting, she abruptly turned to him and started a new conversation. There was also the fact that another friend was trying to set her up with a guy and she was overly interested in it.

    So, where I stand now is I’m hosting a party on Saturday and she will be there(so will the mutual friend) and everyone plains on getting so drunk that they will sleep at my place. This is a woman who gets extra affectionate, damn near freaky, when she drinks. And plans on getting drunk to the point of not driving home. But she also plans on bringing on her air mattress. At this point there going to be like 3 air mattresses in my place.

    Now the dream is that she ends up in my bed after drinking and getting flirtatious, but what I need to start accepting will happen is nothing. I want to move on from this woman…no, I NEED to move on from this woman. But it really doesn’t help just how much fun we have together. One day, I will work up the courage to tell her how I feel. I was getting close to that after last night, but tonight was like dumping water on a fire.

    I would also love to say that I’m done writing about this woman, but the entire drive home from the event tonight I just wanted to PMO. The night felt like a loss. Though she does violently reject the idea of hooking up with our mutual friend, so there’s that. But I drove home feeling hopeless. A lot like our I used to feel leaving college parties when I’d go home and PMO. I actually thought about going to a strip club but thankfully I’m broke.

    But to paraphrase a great 80’s song. I’m going to keep on fighting the good fight, cause it’s the only thing I can think to do. I have to prepare and ready myself for a healthy relationship. And I also have to prepare myself that, save for a miracle it probably won’t be with this woman.


    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  4. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    I just wish you'll find an even hotter woman to make you forget this one :). There must be one out there!

    Let me try to make you smile.

    Here. Apply this test to your crush:

     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2021
  5. big54

    big54 Active Member


    You and I both man. The worst part is she is “mostly” down-to-earth and cool, and we always have a ton of fun together. If I could turn off my feeling I would just have a hot friend. And it’s hard to try and pick up women when you feel like you may have a shot with the hottest girl in the room. But I’m working on it…

    And that video was hilarious, so thanks for that.
     
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  6. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Saturday, October 30, 2021

    No PMO – 70 days, 20 days until 90 days PMO free
    No Porn – 4 days, 3 day until I hit 7 days porn free

    So, I think I may have finally found my breaking point with this woman. And if this weekend plays out how I expect it to and not how I wish it would, this is probably the last time I will write about her, I swear. I do this thing when I find a really attractive woman who is into me, where I can’t see their faults. For months they can just do no wrong. The same thing happened with my last serious relationship, I was completely in the dark to her issues. I’ve been that way with my crush for close to 2 months now, but I’m finally starting to see the full picture.

    Let’s go back to the beginning. So, as I’ve said in my last post I’m having a Halloween party tomorrow(Saturday) and as recently as yesterday (Thursday), she was telling people about her plan to bring her air mattress and even suggest to the other woman that they just take my bed and leave me on the couch. It was literally Thursday before 10pm. Well flash forward 1 day, and I get a text from her about how she is not sure if she is going to come if the party is turning into an edible party. I was driving uber but it frustrated me to the point where I was complaining to my rider. My friends do not and have not had edible parties. I have no idea where she got that idea from.

    It’s not so much that she’s not going, though that would’ve pissed me off anyway. But the bullshit excuse literally made me want to say “fuck you, stay home” But I realize I can’t pursue a relationship with someone this flakey. This isn’t the first time she’s wavered on something she agreed to do, it actually happens a lot.

    So, yeah, her spell may finally be broken. In the past I was anxious and worried about my interactions. Now, I’m just angry. And this time it’s because of something she actually did. I’m not sure if I want to get over this. I will give the thrilling conclusion to this story sometime on Sunday, so I guess…to be continued.

    The battle rages on…
     
  7. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Sunday, October 31, 2021

    No PMO – 72 days, 18 days until 90 days PMO free
    No Porn – 6 days, 1 day until I hit 7 days porn free

    So, I can truly say I didn’t see that coming. I said I would give you guys the conclusion and it doesn’t end well for the hero (me). So she did show up to the party and everything started out fine. But by the end of the night, she ended giving lap dances to everyone here but me. A friend who knows how I feel would say show some love to the host, and I could feel the reluctance when she’d do it. I said on facebook last night, you can’t ignore the signs cause you don’t like what they’re saying. And that’s what I’ve got to do. Last night has me angry at god right now. It’s one thing to not get what you want, that happens all the time, completely different to see what you want so freely giving to everyone but you. That’s some leave the church and find a new religion type of shit right there. So, now I have to lay here this Sunday and power through this depression without porn, because that’s what I’d be doing right now. I would go on a 3 day binge and be fine. But we ain’t going to do that today, we’re going to stay strong and focused on the goal at end.

    So barring something radical like her actually declaring her feelings for me, I’m done crushing on this woman. Last night proved to me she belongs to the streets, and you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    From what I read in your posts that's the most sensible thing you can do. She seems to cause you a lot of emotional stress. This can't be healthy. Try to focus on yourself for the next few weeks and try to be kind to yourself.
     
  9. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Tuesday, November 2, 2021

    No PMO – 73 days, 17 days until 90 days PMO free
    No Porn – 1 day, 2 days until I hit 3 days porn free

    So, I’m back on the grind. Back to focusing on myself. Though as I read through my post, I haven’t been doing much of that. I made it through the day without porn, and that’s my main focus for now. I was able to stay strong from PMO, but I view porn heavily on Sunday. I need to get back to the gym, took the last couple of weeks off because of the cruise, but I went a couple of days last week and it felt like normal. So that’s what I need to get back to soon. Not much more to report, just staying strong and focused on the things that matter.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  10. big54

    big54 Active Member

    You are right on all fronts
     
  11. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Thursday, November 4, 2021

    No PMO – 76 days, 14 days until 90 days PMO free
    No Porn – 4 days, 3 days until I hit 7 days porn free

    Still going strong, nothing new to report. I’m quietly dealing with the trauma from Saturday night, lol. I haven’t gotten back to the gym yet. I realized my body was tired from 2 weeks of partying so I didn’t have the energy or strength to workout. But I’ll get through the week and start fresh on Sunday. Instead of a 3-week program before thanksgiving, it’ll just be a 2, and I’ll probably workout the week of Thanksgiving since I’ll be home and won’t want to be tempted. Not much to report, just going to keep grinding.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  12. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Hey, man...no matter what...do the right thing. At least win in this other battle; you owe it to yourself.
     
  13. big54

    big54 Active Member

    First attempt – 8/20/2021 – 11/5/2021: 75 days

    Start Date – 11/5/2021
    Current Date - Friday, November 5, 2021

    No PMO – 0 days, 1 day until 1 day PMO free
    No Porn – 0 days, 1 day until I hit 1 day porn free

    In the last 0 days, I’ve gone 0 days (0.00%) without viewing porn
    In the past 77 days, I’ve PMO 2 times.

    I caved last night, not sure what happened. If I can describe it, it was like the urges jumped me in a back ally. I’m upset at myself, but not defeated. I must not let one mistake turn into a binge. 75 days is an accomplishment but it’s just the first step in the war. Truthfully, conquering this demon in one shot was a big ask.

    I wasn’t in a good head space since Saturday, and the lack of structure this week was not a good mixture. But I’m not going to make excuses.

    The positives are I made 75 days without PMO, with good streaks of no porn viewing. And very little temptation for a good chunk of those days. So I know I can do it. So, these 7 days are important because a binge is more like to occur in the next 7 days.

    I’m not going to say anything we haven’t heard or said before. Post relapse energy is usually good enough to power me through when I’m really focused, so I just have to stay focused. The last reboot started and ended over a girl, this one is about bettering myself.

    If everything goes well I won’t be back for a week. That’s when I feel right claiming any kind of victory in these early stages. Jumping on here in a few days won’t prove anything, unless I’m too weak to make it.

    I read somewhere not to view this process has a pass/fail experience. So I’m keeping a running total of my failures. Not to point out how often I failed, but how often I succeeded. 2 PMOs in the last 77 days is a win. And as time goes on I hope to keep my porn viewing percentage above 95%. Gotta remember the small victories and not just the big defeats, cause there really isn’t a big victory in this fight.

    So, keep fighting guys.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
    Shady likes this.
  14. big54

    big54 Active Member

    First attempt – 8/20/2021 – 11/5/2021: 75 days

    Start Date – 11/5/2021
    Current Date - Monday, November 8, 2021

    No PMO – 3 days, 4 days until 7 days PMO free
    No Porn – 3 days, 4 days until I hit 7 days porn free

    In the last 3 days, I’ve gone 3 days (100.00%) without viewing porn
    In the past 80 days, I’ve PMO 2 times.

    3 days down, still firing at 100%. Like I said fresh reboot energy is powerful. I did notice I’ve been getting random erections lately, maybe it’s a sign of some healing? Either way going to continue to focus on staying strong. I know what led to my last failure, and I know what leads to most of my temptations. Boredom and Curiosity. Just got to stay on my guard.

    See you guys in 4 days. Keep on fighting.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  15. big54

    big54 Active Member

    First attempt – 8/20/2021 – 11/5/2021: 75 days

    Start Date – 11/5/2021
    Current Date - Wednesday, November 10, 2021

    No PMO – 5 days, 2 days until 7 days PMO free
    No Porn – 5 days, 2 days until I hit 7 days porn free

    In the last 5 days, I’ve gone 5 days (100.00%) without viewing porn
    In the past 82 days, I’ve PMO 2 times.

    I realize this is the most dangerous part of a reboot. It requires the most self-control because it’s so easy to justify relapsing cause you don’t really have a streak going. So the addict brain starts whispering things like, just take the rest of the week/month off. I know for me it’s saying, you got a vacation coming that ends on the last day of the month, just wait till December and start then. But I won’t listen to it. But it will be a struggle.

    I had intended on waiting till Friday to post again, but I’ve been hearing the voice since Monday and it’s loud. I find myself doing all the things I did when I was going through the circle of failure. I’m not looking at porn, but I am going to porn alternatives. Mainly Twitter, and browsing escort sights. Truthfully, if I need I could perform I would seriously consider getting one, but that is an expensive mistake waiting to happen. I know what this is doing to my brain and I need to gather the strength to stop.

    So I will be posting more than I planned because I’m not as strong as I thought right now. I’m also going to start including escort viewing in my porn viewing counter as it serves the same principle.

    Going to keep fighting the best I can.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
    Shady likes this.
  16. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    When a man truly decides something like that, no voice has a chance against him.

    A warm salute to you, Sir!
     
  17. big54

    big54 Active Member

    First attempt – 8/20/2021 – 11/5/2021: 75 days

    Start Date – 11/11/2021
    Current Date - Thursday, November 11, 2021

    No PMO – 0 days, 1 day until 1 day PMO free
    No Porn – 0 days, 1 day until I hit 1 day porn free

    In the last 6 days, I’ve gone 5 days (83.33%) without viewing porn
    In the past 83 days, I’ve PMO 5 times.

    No words, I was too weak-minded to survive this last attempt. I forgot what my goal was, and now I feel like I’m starting to undo the gains from going 75 days. But it’s alright, now I have to focus on the fear. Whenever I get weak, I need to remind myself how I FEAR getting close to women because I’m AFRAID of the potential failure that follows.

    Reading back on my journey I think this was a delayed reaction to my Halloween party disaster. Cause while I didn’t immediately go on a binge, I have PMO 5 times in 6 days. So, I did what I said I wouldn’t do. I turned a cheat day into a cheat week. Now I have to stop it before it becomes a cheat month.

    So, hopefully, I found the right motivation again. The past 6 days I was rebooting because I knew it was the right thing to do, but I didn’t have anything to hold on to. Even the 75-day reboot I was kind of holding on to the cruise and I eventually caved a couple of weeks after. So, now I’m holding on to the future.

    But we’re all hopeful after a relapse. No false confidence here, just got to do this one day at a time.

    The goal is to have healthy relationships in the future, to not be afraid of sex.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  18. big54

    big54 Active Member

    First attempt – 8/20/2021 – 11/5/2021: 75 days

    Start Date – 11/5/2021
    Current Date - Friday, November 12, 2021

    No PMO – 1 day, 2 days until 3 days PMO free
    No Porn – 1 day, 2 days until I hit 3 days porn free

    In the last 8 days, I’ve gone 7 days (87.50%) without viewing porn
    In the past 84 days, I’ve PMO 2 times.

    2 days down, feel good. But if I didn’t feel good after day 2 I would be in more trouble than I realized.

    The weekend is here and I’m hoping to ride this new reboot energy into a clean porn-free weekend. I think today could be a sneaky difficult day, I feel it should be smooth but I’m also going to be lying around all day. Got to be prepared for the boredom, got some house chores I can do, and I may go for a walk as well. But that is what today will be about, confronting boredom when it strikes.

    Was hanging out with a friend last night, and I was explaining to him the events that led to me giving up the pursuit of my ex-crush, and then he asked me “well, what’s next?” And I was sad inside, cause if I know I’m back in the situation where I probably shouldn’t entertain the idea of talking to women just yet. At least not to the point where I can go to a bar and try and pick one up. Maybe I’ll go to a strip club…Probably not the best idea.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  19. big54

    big54 Active Member

    First attempt – 8/20/2021 – 11/5/2021: 75 days

    Start Date – 11/5/2021
    Current Date - Sunday, November 14, 2021

    No PMO – 3 days, 4 days until 7 days PMO free
    No Porn – 3 days, 4 days until I hit 7 days porn free

    In the last 9 days, I’ve gone 8 days (88.89%) without viewing porn
    In the past 86 days, I’ve PMO 2 times.

    Sunday Morning, I made it through Saturday pretty easily. I ended up hanging out with friends from 3pm and I was out of the house all day after that. Sunday’s are notoriously sneaky days for me. And it's day 3, I’m realizing as I write this that day 3 is the day when the urge to view porn begins. I plan on going to the gym in a little bit and may do something else to get out of the house.

    Just one day at a time.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  20. big54

    big54 Active Member

    First attempt – 8/20/2021 – 11/5/2021: 75 days

    Start Date – 11/5/2021
    Current Date - Tuesday, November 16, 2021

    No PMO – 5 days, 2 days until 7 days PMO free
    No Porn – 5 days, 2 days until I hit 7 days porn free

    In the last 11 days, I’ve gone 10 days (90.91%) without viewing porn
    In the past 88 days, I’ve PMO 2 times.

    These days are getting tougher. So, it goes Day 0-3 no temptation, no urges. Day 4-10, temptation on an annoying level, but no urge to MO. I find myself wanting to view Porn but not so much wanting to MO. This is a troubling phase to be in because this phrase requires the most amount of work. Cause I'm pretty sure I could view P without MO right now, I went through a whole reboot for about 50 days where I did that but didn’t feel any better about it. But this last reboot I was mostly able to avoid porn and on that one, I felt like I was gaining ground in the battle.

    So I’m just got to remember the goal of this reboot, to have a better and brighter future.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
    Shady likes this.

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