Make Better Choices, again

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by big54, Nov 8, 2020.

  1. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Well, that didn’t take long. I wish I could get out of my own head. All this woman did was post a pic celebrating Friday, and it put my stomach in knots (it didn’t help that she looked amazing in it, dem filters are something else). WTF is wrong with me. I’ve gone for a walk, laid down in silence, and now I’m just listening to music, which is something I don’t do at home. I’m like that Usher song, you got it bad. I got it bad, fuck. So, here at my night is going to go, gonna drive uber and constantly check Facebook for any more posts. And that is about a pathetic as it gets. Though to be honest that’s usually what I do when I drive uber, but the checking is usually not targeted.

    Alright, sorry, I had to get that off my chest before I got stuck in the car for 5 hours, trapped inside my head. I’m pretty sure I hate posting about this woman as much as y’all hate reading about her. I promise I’ll be better. Promise y’all.
     
  2. big54

    big54 Active Member

    So, I had a touch of psychosis during my time driving Uber. I create and imagined an entire scenario where my crush was hanging out with our mutual friend without me. I don’t mind her hanging out with other men, she’s not mine. But the idea of her hanging out with him just pisses me off. More so because when I try to hang out with her, she invites him but when they get together they forget to say anything to me. This is the point where I need to point out that I created this scenario in my head. Cause the only thing the really happened was she wasn’t on Facebook all night, and he wasn’t on for part of the night. But I spent the whole night driving and stewing in my anger. I wrote them both off, made plans to cut them off after my birthday. From just a thought I created in my head.

    I start taking Ashwagandha tomorrow, it’s supposed to be good for stress and anxiety. So, yes, I have resulted to self-medication at this point. Better than self-masturbation right.
     
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  3. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Monday, September 20, 2021

    No PMO – 30 days, 30 days until 60 days PMO free
    No Porn – 14 days, 16 days until I hit 30 days porn free


    SO, I’m lowering my defenses by finding loopholes in my journey, which is usually the first step on the road to relapse. Over the past two days, I’ve been loading up softcore scenes in internet searches but not actually clicking on them. It’s a loophole because I don’t count that has viewing porn because I never viewed the scene, but it’s probably triggering a dopamine release so it’s probably accomplishing the same thing as view porn. So, I’m going to start counting that as viewing porn.

    So, I’ve made it 30 days, where do I get my 30-day chip? These past 30 days have been some of the most annoying in my life. This reboot attempt has taken me to places in my head I didn’t know existed. Still not sure why, well I guess I know why but the math doesn’t seem right. During the past 30 days, I’ve felt little urge to MO, but the urge to view porn has come and gone. I find it fairly easy to go without PMO, but I know watching porn builds up…pressure in my mind that wants to be released. So, 30 days no PMO, 1 edging session 2 weeks ago. And random and rare porn viewing in that time.

    So, onward to 60 days now. When I reach that goal it’ll be 2 days before my cruise. I dropped nearly 14 pounds over the past 30 days, going to keep working out for the next 4 weeks, and hopefully, I can drop another 10 before the cruise. Get nice and fit before hopping on a boat, maybe I’ll get lucky.

    I think the Ashwagandha is working, I haven’t been stressed or anxious in the past 2 days. I don’t know where I stand with my crush anymore, but I also don’t care. I invited her out on Saturday but she politely declined. And I haven’t heard from her since, though I haven’t reached out to her either. I realized that if this woman is the final girl in the tv show about my life then of course there would be an insane amount of drama. I finally am at ease now, and able to get through the day. My stomach has been in knots since Saturday. So, Yay, drugs.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  4. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Monday, September 20, 2021

    No PMO – 31 days, 29 days until 60 days PMO free
    No Porn – 0 days, 1 day until I hit 1 days porn free


    So, I had to reset the no porn counter. I had foolishly creeping towards the line and eventually crossed it. Bad news this is where I spent the majority of my last 30 day+ reboot, not PMOing but checking out porn. Good news is I’m deeply aware of how unhealthy that is for a reboot, and how counterproductive it is.

    I have to be stronger.
    I HAVE to be stronger.
    (say it louder for those in the back)
    I HAVE TO BE STRONGER.

    This is the fight I’ve been waiting for, shit even as I type this now I want to view porn. The beast is fully awake. I guess I switched my energy from worry about a woman back to porn, that’s not what I wanted to happen. So, I’m going to keep my guard up. The moments are so subtle. Yesterday after I posted about making it 30 days, I played a game on my computer and everything was fine. Then as I started to wind down for the night I got caught slipping. Then during the day today, the urge hit me fast and hard, while I was trying to work.

    I HAVE TO BE STRONGER

    I’m going to get through the night, and then the next.

    I WILL BE STRONGER

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
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  5. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Wednesday, September 22, 2021

    No PMO – 33 days, 27 days until 60 days PMO free
    No Porn – 2 days, 1 day until I hit 3 days porn free


    Yesterday was relatively smooth, I had some urges but stayed strong. I’m finally sleeping better, didn’t realize how good it feels to sleep through the night again. I think I’m going to a strip club tonight, probably not the best idea but I need to feel this urge somehow. I still feel the best way to reboot is through female contact. The club I’m going to is a non-alcohol club so I won’t be buzzed or drunk when I get home so I should be able to resist the urge to PMO.

    I’ve decided to do this because I think things are truly dead with my crush. She completely ignores me on social media now. It’s weird, it’s like I did something wrong but I don’t feel like I have. I talked to a friend about this over the weekend and he told me “fuck her, her lost”. So, I’m trying to get there, and this is the point where I always remind myself it’s literally been less than 2 weeks since we hung out.

    So, this is where I am in life. Who knows maybe I’ll get a sign and realize it’s not the right choice. But I think I’m out of Hail Mary’s now.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  6. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Thursday, September 23, 2021

    No PMO – 34 days, 26 days until 60 days PMO free
    No Porn – 3 days, 4 days until I hit 7 days porn free

    So, I did it. Went to the strip club last night and there was no aftereffect. Last time I went to a strip club it led to a relapse. Still porn-free, and still little urge to PMO, so everything is going well. My diet and working out took a slight dip, but I need to do some adulting last night, and I had no desire to eat my healthy lunch today. So, I’m hoping I’m finally ready to move on from daily posting. My intent was to only post when I needed to, but I needed to post a lot more than usual these past 30 days. That being said, I will probably post tomorrow, it being Friday and the weekend being the roughest time to avoid the beast. But I think I’m doing well. Now I just need to stay vigilant doing times of prosperity cause this is usually when I get caught slipping.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  7. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Friday, September 24, 2021

    No PMO – 35 days, 25 days until 60 days PMO free
    No Porn – 4 days, 3 days until I hit 7 days porn free

    Here we go, it’s Friday. And for some reason my anxiety is back, and I don’t know what triggered it this time. In the past I traced it back to a single person, but not sure she the cause this time. It’s like I don’t/can’t enjoy the weekends anymore. The state of my life becomes so focused on the weekend and the depression gets HEAVY. I fear what will happen on nights like this when I start drinking again.

    I don’t know how to fix this hole my life has fallen into to, but I know porn WILL NOT help. So, I’ll drive Uber, hangout with a friend, and do anything just to make it to tomorrow. Cause tomorrow has to be better. Right?

    I truly hate this feeling, really REALLY HATE IT.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  8. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Monday, September 27, 2021

    No PMO – 37 days, 23 days until 60 days PMO free
    No Porn – 6 days, 1 day until I hit 7 days porn free

    I made it through the weekend. And I mean that in the past it used to feel like I survived the weekend, but now I can say I made it through. I can’t say I didn’t have thoughts of giving up, but those thoughts were quickly defeated by remembering the feeling of guilt and failure I feel after relapsing, and the thought of what being cured will feel like. I’ll keep on fighting clinging to the idea of hope at this point. My best chance of meeting a woman at this point will probably be on my cruise so I think I have a good chance of making it to the cruise without failing. Unless last time I’m really putting in the work to avoid porn, doing that keeps me from spiraling into a porn hole that leads to a relapse.

    So here hoping this week will be stress and temptation-free. Going to try and go 10 for 10 on gym visits, the last 2 weeks I went 9 for 10, missing an evening workout each week. This week going to try and stick with it.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
    -Luke- and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  9. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    That's a win in my book!!
     
  10. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Wednesday, September 29, 2021

    No PMO – 39 days, 21 days until 60 days PMO free
    No Porn – 8 days, 6 days until I hit 14 days porn free

    So, I once again find myself stressing out over my crush and that whole situation. I creep closer to the realization that the chance of a romantic relationship is dead and gone. Now I just have to figure out if I want to end the friendship altogether. I probably won’t do that, seems like a drastic step. I’ve been trying to figure out what changed and I realized it’s me. I’ve become thirsty, wishing and hoping she reaches out, constantly trying to hang out. Letting go of these feelings is going to be tough, I’ve had a crush on the girl since I met her. I was just content when I thought I had no hope. I feel like Icarus and she was the Sun, and I was satisfied flying low to the ground until she pulled me closer, and now the wings are melting.

    I mention it cause every negative setback in this situation makes me want to run to porn. It doesn’t help that I have to see her flirt and more or less throw herself at our mutual friends on social media. But I need to understand I can’t give her what she wants, cause she wants sex. She’s stated it before not so much in those words. So, I need to remind myself why I didn’t make a move, why I can’t make a move. Looking back on the last 38 days, I wish I didn’t go to the hot tub, I wish we hadn’t made out and I got to, I guess third base, lol. My life was easier, simpler, and happier 38 days ago…

    But I was an addict with no real shot at recovery 38 days ago. I was also close to 20 pounds heavier 28 days ago. I think I’ve decided to do my best to act normal and if she’s still single around valentine’s day, I’m going to ask her out. At that point, if I make it that long it’ll be 180 days, if I’m not ready for sex at that point I fear I’ll never be.

    But I can’t ahead of myself, get through today, then get through tomorrow. That’s all

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  11. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Friday, October 1, 2021

    No PMO – 42 days, 18 days until 60 days PMO free
    No Porn – 11 days, 3 days until I hit 14 days porn free

    I’m trying to switch to posting once a week for now unless I feel myself breaking down. Though I had that feeling today and yesterday but I got over it. But when I want to journal I will load up Microsoft word and write it down, and post it on Friday.

    9/30/2021 - I hate flatlining. In theory, I should like it, no sex drive means no temptations but what usually happens, or what used to happen is that I start testing myself. I try to force myself to get hard, and if I can’t do it naturally I turned to porn. I haven’t done it yet, and have no desire to do it right now. I think now, once my mind turns to porn, I think about what it would feel like to be able to have sex freely and without worry. So right now the thought of turning to porn quickly shifts to thoughts of being cured.

    10/1/2021 – Friday, weekends are really rough for me lately. Especially the weekends where she is free to hang out. So, I made another attempt this today, but I reached out to the group chat that she’s in. I have to behave like we’re just friends and before shit got complicated we’d hang out, and it was primarily group hangs, so this fits. This is probably as clear a sign I need more friends, but I’m leaning more towards retreating from the world and telling every to suck it. Though I guess I just got as clear a sign of where things stand. She checked the group chat, like a message from a friend saying he was out of town, but didn’t say anything to my question of hanging out. That plus the fact that she hasn’t replied to the invite for my birthday is a clear sign. I want to ask her if I did something wrong, maybe I’ll say something once she skips my birthday outing.
    This leaves me in an annoying place to start the weekend because my legit best friend is ignoring me right now as well, so I’m kind of stuck driving and I don’t want to be. But if I stay home I feel I’ll do something stupid. So, I’ll get out of the house, try and stay strong but this is shaping up to be a depressing weekend. Jeez, I like to be positive on Fridays but life is a struggle for me right now.
    But I am 6 weeks strong for whatever that means. In moments of weakness, I wonder what is the point of being cured and fixed if I’m completely, COMPLETELY miserable ALL THE TIME….

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  12. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Because you know the old saying that say Per aspera ad astra. You know the end of this is not disappointment. And you are tired of letting yourself down again and again.

    Even a miserable existence w/o P is better than a miserable one w/ P. And P can ruin a perfectly good life, too. You need P like a hole in your head.
     
  13. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Have to keep reminding myself of this in moments of doubt.
     
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  14. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Wednesday, October 6, 2021

    No PMO – 47 days, 13 days until 60 days PMO free
    No Porn – 0 days, 1 day until I hit 1 days porn free


    So, over the weekend I was in a good place with my reboot. It was about 2 weeks since the last time I viewed porn and I was feeling good. Well, turns out I was simply cocky. I viewed porn that day, and it’s been on my mind since. I’ve been at this stage in my reboot before, well not this one, but my last one. This is when porn lingers on the out rim of my brain. It’s a dangerous time in the reboot because the urge is at a whisper and it’s constant, and if I don’t silence it now it will become a craving. I know what I need to do, there’s no magic formula – just got to get focused and STAY focused. Thankfully I’m still at the point of wanting to MO when I view porn, which makes these slip up more annoying.

    My love life, and by extension life itself, is still in the shits. Slightly better, but only cause the feeling of hopelessness is not leading to anxiety and stress anymore. Still putting all my chips into this upcoming cruise, which is setting me up for disappointment but what else can I do? I’ve kept up my gym schedule as I finish out the last week of this workout program. Will figure out what I’m going to do next when I get back.

    Well, I’ll be back on Friday, hopefully, at that point, I’ll be 2 days porn clean.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  15. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Heh heh heh, now why does that sound familiar?

    Brutal honesty is important, paired with brutal action when danger appears. It'll be a game of whack-a-mole for a while, but then you'll be back to your old, focused self. And will never become complacent again. (For me, it's around the 6 months mark...won't be this time, though!!)
     
  16. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Tuesday, October 12, 2021

    No PMO – 53 days, 7 days until 60 days PMO free
    No Porn – 0 days, 1 day until I hit 1 days porn free


    So, I made it through the weekend. I meant to post on Friday but I got distracted and busy. Probably should’ve posted on Friday to give myself a pep talk. But like I said, I made it through the weekend, my birthday weekend, with no problem. But today was a different story. I think this was the first day in a while where I was off from work with nothing to do. So, I ended up viewing porn. Still haven’t crossed the line to PMO, but of all the porn I’ve viewed this reboot, this was the first time in 52 days I wanted to PMO. As I write this I can’t even remember why I viewed porn this morning…actually it was OnlyFans.

    When I think about it, my birthday actually left me in a good place. My crush, y’all know the female I was obsessed about, turn a lunch invitation into a mini-birthday party for me. Basically, I asked if she wanted to go to lunch and she invited a bunch of our friends. My plan was to invite people, but I didn’t want to go to the place if she wasn’t going. It didn’t go how I hoped, but the whole day really put my mind at ease. I’m back in the friend zone, which is fine for me at the moment. I can’t take it to the next level anyway. Plus, we're better as friends right now. But I think finally having the clarification on that whole situation caused me to lower my defenses and I wasn’t mentally prepared for what I thought would be a smooth day, but in retrospect it’s a day I should’ve known was going to be a challenge.

    *sigh*

    Well back on the horse, a cling to the fact that I still haven’t PMO’d but this is akin to cheating on my diet while still going to the gym. Which is actually another reason why I lowered my defenses. I completed my workout program and I’m down to 265. So I’m not on my diet at the moment, and I haven’t been to the gym in 4 days, which is the longest I’ve gone in 3 months. Going to keep on fighting, and take the lessons learned to heart. I don’t think I really did that last week.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  17. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Friday, October 15, 2021

    No PMO – 55 days, 5 days until 60 days PMO free
    No Porn – 2 days, 1 day until I hit 3 days porn free


    Friday, here we go…

    I’m ready to win this weekend, and the first thing I need to do is acknowledge the challenge waiting for me this weekend. Tonight should be relatively easy, but those are the nights that sneak up on you. But tomorrow night could be a fight. I’m going out for my official birthday outing, and I plan to do a lot of drinking. Coming home drunk has proven to be a big trigger for me. That last time I PMO’d it was after drinking with some friends. I’ve been able to avoid this mostly because I stopped drinking for the month of September. But I’m 6 days away from the cruise and I don’t want any slip ups.

    So, I’ve started my diet back up again, that daily focus should carry over like it had in the past. I took 4 days off to enjoy my birthday, and thankfully didn’t cross any lines. Shit weight wise, the 4 day mini-binge did nothing. Really wish curing PMO was the same as losing weight. That’d be amazing.

    As for the state of my love life, I really do think it’s a TV show. The situations I find myself in is comical. So my crush had a fallout without mutual friend and doesn’t want to hang out with him for a while. It seems like she’s turned to me to feel the void, and I forgot how draining emotionally supporting a woman can be, especially women you ain’t sleeping with. For me, that’s been all of the women in my life I’ve had to emotionally support. Now, there’s an attractive neighbor who I think is about to enter the picture as well. She usually goes out of her way to say hi to me when we cross path on our walks. Of course, this is all wishful thinking as we’ve had several conversations but I still ain’t got her name yet, lol.

    The motto for the weekend is simple. STAY FOCUSED.

    Stay Focused gentlemen, stay focused.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  18. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Monday, October 18, 2021

    No PMO – 59 days, 1 day until 60 days PMO free
    No Porn – 6 days, 1 day until I hit 7 days porn free

    I made it to Sunday. But that’s mainly due to me getting home at 6am. Which may help me get through today cause I’m too tired to do anything right now at 1pm. (I’m giving the times so when I re-read this I’ll understand, lol) (Also, I got too tired to post this on Sunday, so the times don't even work)

    So last night was my birthday outing at a speakeasy, and at the last minute, my crush told me she was coming. And we hung out for about 8 hours. I learned I’m not the only male friend she doesn’t remember getting drunk and making out with. She told me she did it a guy she considers her best friend. She told that she told him she only sees him as a friend, and it’s weird to hear her describe what could be our dynamic, while distinctly not giving me the “just friends” vibe. I think I’m realizing what I think I’ve known, she’s just a flirtatious drunk.

    I don’t know what to do with that information. If I read as it is I should stay in the friend zone, occasionally have some stuff happen if enough alcohol is involved. Or I can focus on the times she was flirtatious while sober. I’m just going to play it as cool as I can for now. It feels like I’m back to where I was with her in the summer but with more information.

    Outside of that things are running smoothly, I actually had a random stranger unbutton my shirt, so I can tell the gym is starting to really pay off, but I guess I’ll find out in a couple of days. Tomorrow I’ll be getting my 60-day chip, though I shouldn’t count the chickens and all that. I feel good though, no desire to look at porn right now. It feels like I’ve reentered a flatline, which would be unfortunate given the cruise is coming up. But I’m not going to do what I did before I went on my last trip. The week of I edged to porn for hours. The most counterproductive thing I could do. Today I’m going to clean my house to keep me busy, cause you know what they say about idle hands. If things go well, I may not post between now and the cruise, if there is no temptation or anxiety i may not need "a meeting"

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  19. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Good to see you're still going strong. And belated happy birthday by the way!
     
  20. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Thanks man, still out here grinding
     
    -Luke- likes this.

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