Make Better Choices, again

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by big54, Nov 8, 2020.

  1. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Thursday, September 9, 2021

    No PMO – 20 days, 10 days until 30 days PMO free
    No Porn – 3 days, 4 days until I hit 7 days porn free

    Made it to 3 days with no porn, but it’s time, to be honest. I’ve been saying I haven’t thought about porn in the past 3 days and that’s not true. I don’t count only fans or at least the thought to view only fans as thinking of porn. But it is, but I haven’t viewed it in 3 days so I have been strong. Well, I did log into only fans, but I didn’t see anything. I had to log out so if I did get weak and go to the site I would have to go through the whole sign-in process again. That will detour me enough to stand down, at least while I’m in level one. Signing in will signal level two, and I’ll know I crossed a line. Hell, OnlyFans is what triggered the porn viewing last weekend, so I should know better.

    Gearing up for the weekend now, and it should be a dry one so hopefully it’ll be an easy one. Also, 20 days without PMO so woohoo. While the desire to view porn sneaks up on me, at least with Only Fans, I haven’t had any desire to PMO for most of this reboot. So, hopefully, I’m on the right path.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  2. big54

    big54 Active Member

    I love that quote, the only way out is through hell.
     
  3. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Friday, September 10, 2021

    No PMO – 21 days, 9 days until 30 days PMO free
    No Porn – 4 days, 3 days until I hit 7 days porn free


    Okay, this morning was rough. For work someone was using my computer, so I was stuck just watching and ended up browsing my phone am came across some stuff I didn’t need to see on twitter. I’m more concerned about the feeling I had while I waited around to regain control of my computer. I wanted to dive into the void. I resisted but I feel like a door has been open.

    Last night didn’t end well for me either, I was going to get some food and just got a pit in my stomach. I guess I’m still dealing with some shit. How do the single guys here deal with loneliness? I said before, this is a new feeling for me. I feel like it’s the driving force behind this reboot but at times it feels unbearable. I really wish I had something I could hold on to, or focus on right now. I feel like this weekend is going to be a rough one, but I have to be strong.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
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  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hey man. The struggle is real but you’re fighting it to the best of your ability.

    Seeing your prayer at the end of your entry I will assume you’re a christian, but you can correct me if I’m wrong :). You say that being lonely is a trigger for you and difficult to deal with. The bible says: “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” He’s never far away, He wants communion, He wants to spend time with you. Seek Him and experience His presence. Prayer and worship are absolutely great to enter into His presence. The joy of the Lord has the power to wash away all feelings of loneliness.

    Hope this helps! Best of luck and stay strong, you’re doing great!
     
  5. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Me relationship with religion and god is dicey to say it best. I’m baptized and believe in Christ, but at time I believe god is vengeful and petty like us. I alternate from blaming him for my current predicament (because there is definitely a FX style dark comedy setup to crushing on a girl for month, only to find out the feeling is somewhat mutual the day after a relapse, that god with a sick sense of humor would set up) to asking him to help me out of my current predicament (because through him all things are possible). I wish I could turn to religion and god in a time like this, but even when I try that I still feel hopeless

    Sorry, meant for this to be short but I had been sitting on those thoughts for a week now. But thanks for your words because I truly wish they worked for me.
     
  6. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    No need to be sorry. This is what’s you’re going through and that’s okay. Sorry to hear about the girl but, just because you had a relapse doesn’t throw that all away right? You know she’s into you aswell, that’s great right? Just gotta pull yourself together and get back to living porn free and chasing real life interactions. Who knows what might come out of this? Sounds like it’s worth finding that out i.m.o.

    I’ll throw a prayer your way. That God might reveal himself to you as he really is.

    Keep your head up!
     
  7. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Sunday, September 12, 2021

    No PMO – 23 days, 7 days until 30 days PMO free
    No Porn – 6 days, 1 day until I hit 7 days porn free

    So, I have no idea why sometimes I just get a random feeling of dread in my stomach. Not sure why, but it just hits me and there’s not much I can do about it. I guess it’s part of the withdrawal.

    So I complained about loneliness yesterday, but I realize it’s more that the people I want to talk to don’t reach out to me. My mother is constantly trying to get me to open up, but I can’t have this conversation with her. I have a good friend who reaches out a lot, and I rarely ever want to talk to him. He stays on the phone for too long, rehashing the same shit over and over. But I finally gave in and talk to him yesterday and it helped. I explain the entirety of the situation with my crush, to his credit he sensed there was mutual attraction months ago. But he understood part of my hesitancy, the attraction only seems mutual when she’s been drinking. But it felt good to finally explain the whole situation to someone who knows us both and has seen us together. If I had the courage to explain my addiction I could probably get some real help, but I don’t know if I’ll ever trust anyone like that.

    Thankfully I haven’t been to tempted by porn, but that’s probably because my brain is broken right now. Small victories, right? I’m 12 hours away from 7 days with no porn. But it wasn’t the greatest 7 days. I’d give myself a C. I don’t count accidental viewing, but should I count scrolling through Twitter hoping to see something? I did just mute the last remaining account that could trigger me. But I haven’t taken the steps to get around my safeguards since last week. I think I’ve entered phrase 2 of my reboot. For me, phrase 1 is a flatline that makes me not think about sex for like 10-14 days. This one was different for well-documented reasons, lol. Phrase 2 is where I start thinking about going to strip clubs or reaching out to escorts. I feel like in this phrase my brain tells me to do a check with real women, probably my addict mind at work. That being said, there’s a 75% chance I’ll go next week to celebrate 30 days clean. Last time I went to the wrong club for what I wanted, so this time I’m running the test at a different spot. Or maybe not, every time I go to a strip club alone, which happens about 3-4 times a year, I leave my house saying this is a bad idea. So maybe I’ll listen, but that a discussion for next week. I fear that once I planted the seed of that thought in my head the only way to get it out is to follow through. Like when I get a craving for fast food.

    So, here’s to a nice, strong, good week. I’m hoping my anxiety goes away and I don’t feel the need to post daily. Stay strong. Stay focused. Stay dedicated.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Stay strong! Rooting for you
     
  9. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Ok, so it's been a "C" week. The simple, oblivious thing is: it can go on to be followed by a 2nd A-grade week, or in the gutter.

    Small victories are still victories. Congratulations and keep on keeping on!
     
  10. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Tuesday, September 14, 2021

    No PMO – 24 days, 6 days until 30 days PMO free
    No Porn – 8 days, 6 days until I hit 14 days porn free

    So, yesterday took a pleasant turn I didn’t foresee coming. A little back story, my mother is paranoid. She takes every slight disagreement as a personal insult to her. So, if she texts someone and they don’t respond she immediately thinks that person is ducking them. I bring to say, I suffer from the same thing though I’m usually much better about not thinking twice about it. But my current mind state has been giving into the paranoia. So, I was starting to get upset because my crush wasn’t like any of my comments on her post but was liking everyone else’s, stupid I know but it was making me feel it was intentional. I came to the decision, again, to just not say anything to her, felt like I was being annoying. Then out of the blue, she invited me to go see a movie with her and her kids. Despite it being a Sunday, and super late I had to go. It was cool, and 90% sure it was on a basic friends level, though she did make a comment about needing breast implants to feel out a dress she was thinking about buying, I didn’t handle it very well, just kind of laughed it off. My lack of game is stunning sometimes. I say all that to say, the movie, the outing went a long way to letting me know our friendship is still good. When a person tells you they don’t like themselves and then you don’t hear from them for a week, it causes you to worry. Still going to give her some space, this weekend would be one of the ones we’d hang out but I’m not going to initiate anything. Once again going to try and pivot away from spending so much time talking about her. I’ve thought about trying to move on to someone else, but this woman is so fine it’s tough.

    Today was a good day in terms of my addiction. I was busy with work and I went to the gym twice today. I’ve moved to twice a day work out Mon-Thu, so as long as I can avoid workday temptation it’s shaping up to be a good week. I actually feel in a good place about this reboot attempt right now. Like, I’ve heard the voice of the beast calling me, but it’s faint and barely above a whisper. I also gave in and viewed some porn 8 days ago and it didn’t open the flood gates like it normally does. That being said, I haven’t had a drink in 10 days, so who knows what’ll happen when I start drinking again in October. But one day at a time is the only way through this. So, I’ll focus on being strong tomorrow.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  11. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    I just hope, for your sake, she isn't using some sort of "push - pull" technique on you. If I may, and I pray you won't be offended by this: it depends a lot on why a woman becomes a single mother.

    Mine was one. She's been with my dad til his dying breath from a very rare disease. 19 years, she was like an angel to him. He was a remarkable man that deserved a remarkable woman. She raised 3 kids on her own, following his death. Studying and working at the same time. 7 years later she found an incredible man and she remarried and she is very happy. So please understand I am not coming from a biased perspective. But there's another kind of woman.

    Like my ex-wife (and she wasn't even the worst I've heard of). Who can ruin a man's life via divorce. "Sorry, I don't love you anymore. You're a good man, BTW; I have changed."

    Thankfully, we didn't have kids. But divorces on frivolous reasons do happen; even women leaving their kids behind for that guy that gives her butterflies. Such a woman that does either of these things is not to be trusted.

    And her kind will always do the best to obscure the truth from you, until she latches her claws into your body. Just about any chick, about any honest, hard-working man: "Oh, he was toxic, abusive, yada yada." She, my wife, tried to gaslight me like that as well; in order to "maybe give our marriage a second chance", she sent me to a psychologist. As if I was the broken one. Well, the psychologist (a woman herself) became more and more intrigued, as she got to know the kind of man I am over a few months. She then requested to speak with my wife. In the end..she let me know between the lines (because of confidentiality) that my wife was BSing. So it's not just the word of a disgruntled ex-husband (I wish her well, never hated her a minute through the process; she became indifferent quite soon...) but that or a professional. Maybe this will lead some credence to my words.

    I would never, ever, trust a woman like that, and risk my life, that she can alter on a whim ("Oh, he just reached out via FB, I'm giving him a second chance" or "He's out of jail, he's coming this way..."). Take this advice given with a clean heart for what it's worth to you. You could be raising some other man's children, and she could dump you after you invested yourself (worse than money) into those children, her; probably even gotten the snobby "You're not my dad, can't tell me what to do" remark over and over again.

    Take care! I am 40, and post-divorce, after I recovered and put some elbow grease into myself (I will spare you another type of BS..."self-improvement" extra-positivity), I could've become a player, getting women 16 or more years my junior. I did not do that. I believe in the sanctity of marriage. The only woman I ever had sex with was my wife, after we were married. The second time around, it will be either that or me dealing with loneliness and sexual frustration in a way that honors my beliefs. I am not just talking the talk, but walking the walk.

    Believe me, if you are a decent-looking guy with life sorted out, there will be a younger, single, childless woman that will stun you and will want you to become her own life partner. I am typing this as a voluntarily celibate for 4 years. I still haven't found that woman but she is out there somewhere. What I didn't lack were opportunities to get in serious relationships or other kind. This will apply to you as well, most likely.

    I've had crushes, I know how it goes. But keep your eyes open when you need to; better to cut your losses in advance, than having your eyes to swim in tears later. I've been through too many tragedies in my life, my soul is covered in scabs like an old fighting dog and I couldn't simply pass your post mentioning she has children without giving you a brotherly touch. Again, take care of yourself, my friend - it is rare that others will do that for you.
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2021
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  12. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    FWIW, I'm not misogynistic, unlike others that have been burned like I have been. I would never seek "revenge", ever.

    But I am not naive, either. Women are not made out of sugar, spice and everything nice. (A few are. If you get one like those, you are blessed or lucky, depending on your worldview.) Some are downright monsters out of a Lovecraftian novel.
     
  13. big54

    big54 Active Member


    Man, you are speaking directly to the paranoid part of my brain, lol. Cause I’ve had all of these thoughts, and have been trying to bury them. They go against the person she was to me before the hot tub shenanigans. I think that is what throws me off, I didn’t sense any of this at this time last month. It could’ve been all part of her game, but I was oblivious to it. The good-hearted person in me wants to just believe everything at face value. That’s where I got back and forth because all of this could just be in my head. That was why the invite to the movies was so refreshing and seemed like a return to normal. But I am doing my best to move on, but cutting her off completely will leave me with only 1 person I enjoy hanging out with. Surprisingly I feel I was happier in the friendzone, but I fear now I'm in a limbo of my own creation.
     
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  14. big54

    big54 Active Member

    I also want to add, I'm not a super religious person, but I watched virtual church service on Sunday and afterwards, I said a prayer asking for a sign to see the path that God laid out for me. 7 hours later I got the invite, lol. Again, I still plan on not initiating any activity this weekend. But I wanted to add that part cause I found it interesting.
     
  15. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Wednesday, September 15, 2021

    No PMO – 25 days, 5 days until 30 days PMO free
    No Porn – 9 days, 5 days until I hit 14 days porn free

    Another day down, this one was smooth. Though I am only 3 days into my new workout challenge and I’ve already missed a workout. I choose to go have tacos with friends instead. I needed to get out of the house and my friend wanted to hang out. She basically asked me to invite her back to my place in the future. I once directly turned down sex from this woman because I didn’t believe I was ready. But that was years ago, but I’m pretty sure I still have the opportunity. But I know I’m not ready just yet. I have a cruise scheduled for the end of October, maybe a chance with a random stranger will be the jump start I need. At that point, if I’m still going strong I will be at 60 days at that point.

    Gotta keep fighting.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  16. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Not sure about the hot-tub incident, I sorta just landed in the middle of your story, so I may have missed many details.

    Thank you for taking what I said well, you never know how your sincere advice and sound to the person at the other end of the line. I have nothing else to add but that I'd certainly hang out with you :). We'd probably get along very well.
     
  17. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    I can understand...have been navigating through life based on His directions. Especially after my unwanted divorce.

    I am sure, in my case, things I have "heard" are not coincidences, because I have built a relationship with Him that has been going on for years. I have seen miracles (called as such by dumbfounded doctors - so I mean by that hard evidence, not subjective stuff) and - who knows? - maybe even the lives of my parents saved because of something I had to foretell and the right time. These experiences, as well as the many times death has passed me by and yet I was spared, cemented my trust in His plan.

    Of a thing I am sure: no one loses by trying to get in touch with God. He, being Who He is, is also impossible to understand and I am sure that some things, for me, will make sense on the other side of eternity. While I'm here, I'll push forward into knowing Him and doing my best to follow His will (which, at times, comes ad odds with that is immediately pleasurable and even acceptable). For example, only God knows how much sex I turned down since I've been single because that is, according to what I see in the Scripture, something to be consumed within the marriage. It was a costly (on short-term) repeated decision, but hey! I lived according to my principles. One day I'll land a woman that sees things the same I see.

    Anyway - rambling mode OFF. Keep on trucking, everything will get better and better! Just keep your eyes open, there are many innocent-looking daughters of Delilah out there...when you have a crush on one...well, we see what happened to poor Sampson. She gouged his eyes out, so to speak, long before the Philistines actually did.
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2021
  18. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Thursday, September 16, 2021

    No PMO – 26 days, 4 days until 30 days PMO free
    No Porn – 10 days, 4 days until I hit 14 days porn free

    So, I feel myself and my defenses getting weaker. Last night I went to a few of my old reliable sites. I didn’t click on anything just read some descriptions, but I have been in this place before. It’s weird because since I’ve been working out at night now I have less time, but I guess during that time the beast is awake. Or maybe going to the gym is raising my testosterone and making me want to O. I guess I can say my fight has officially begun. I guess having someone I was rebooting for made it easier to stay focused. Up until the urge to watch porn was something that would come and go so quickly that it wouldn’t even register, but now even as I write this at 10am, I want to look at porn. I will not fall off the path, I will fight on and stay strong.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  19. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Try this instead: "I am allowing myself and my defenses getting weaker."

    Full responsibility! If I were behind your back with a gun threatening to blow your brains out if you touch the untouchable, you wouldn't be P addicted :). Think about it for a moment.
     
    big54 likes this.
  20. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Friday, September 17, 2021

    No PMO – 28 days, 2 days until 30 days PMO free
    No Porn – 11 days, 3 days until I hit 14 days porn free

    The weekend is upon us, and the real battle begins. Ooh, that was a good opening line, if I do say so myself, lol. Yesterday was a good day, I heard the beast calling me but I was strong and avoided all temptations. I made it to the gym twice yesterday and I’ve somehow managed to lose 8 pounds in 1 week, hmm. A lot of that is probably water weight, and will probably come back over time once I stop working out as hard, but I did it. So for the week my gym stats are 9/10, with me missing one to get tacos. I’m only doing 4 weeks of 10 workouts in a week, so 3 left. This schedule is grueling but leaves me with little time or energy to do anything I shouldn’t.

    I had an erotic dream last night, it wasn’t a wet dream because I was lucid dreaming so I stopped myself. But it felt good because in the past I would have lucid erotic dreams and my PIED would slip into the dream and I wouldn’t attempt sex in the dream. But I did last night, I guess this is a sign of progress.

    So, as I gear up for the weekend, this is the weekend where I would normally hang out with my crush. I went through our messages and realized I’ve hung out with her on every one of her free weekends since July, save for when she had dental surgery. Up until 4 weeks ago, she was actually the one who initiated the hangouts, so I’m actually not going to initiate anything this weekend. Part because I have nothing planned, and partly because I just don’t want to be a pest. I feel like I’m playing games here, but I also think it’s best I just take a step back and be less aggressive.

    Hopefully, I won’t have any anxiety attacks or temptation that leads me back here. I would like to have…well, I would love to hang out with the crush and possibly take things to the next level. But, if that doesn’t happen, I would like a normal porn-free, anxiety-free, temptation-free weekend.

    Fight On Brothers.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     

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