Make Better Choices, again

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by big54, Nov 8, 2020.

  1. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Thanks man, it seems insane looking back on it that I got there. But going to keep working...
     
  2. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - 8/29/2021

    Count –9 days

    I survived the weekend. Everything about this reboot feels different, but truthfully it’s not. My first attempt years ago, before I even knew about a place like this. It was after my second failed attempt to have sex with a girl I really liked, my 4-5 time overall trying and failing. But it was after this time that I did some research and found out what the problem was. That time I did 20+ days with no porn easy. This was so long ago Skin-a-max was still a thing and that was what broke. I remember feeling a sense of accomplishment that soft core porn had turned me on so much, lol. Looking back, I know how stupid that sounds but made sense at the time. If the process was about re-wiring the brain, then getting back to the point where soft core porn could do it for me I thought was a step in the right direction. But that’s not what this post is about. In the past getting through 7-day porn free was a struggle, but this week felt a lot like that first week.

    This withdrawal headache though, this bitch ain’t no joke. I went out with friends and I couldn’t get out of my own way. I couldn’t enjoy their company, and it sucked. I was also at a cigar bar and I don’t smoke, and I was on a drink count to keep from getting even buzzed. But the whole event was a wash.

    Well barring a disaster probably won’t post tomorrow so I will use this as a weekly wrap-up.

    Somehow there past 7 days flew by really fast and agonizingly slow at the same time. Each day felt like a week, but by Wednesday night, i was saying shit it’s already Thursday. Been porn-free this entire time, and I went and canceled ALL my only fan subscriptions. Right now I feel good, about this reboot anyway. I still can’t stop overthinking…everything. I’m hoping if my impending work disaster goes away I won’t be as stressed and will be able to focus on other things.

    I will say on the female department, I starting to realize I don’t need to put all my eggs in one gorgeous basket. I’ve been working out 6 days a week for the past month or so, and I guess the results are paying off. I feel like women are taking more of an interest in me. But my confidence, in general, has always been tied to my weight.

    I’m not an overly religious person, but my father is a recovered narcotic addict and recovery sponsor, so I’ve heard this so many times but it rings incredibly true in my life right.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


    The battle rages on…
     
    Rudolf Geyse and -Luke- like this.
  3. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - 8/30/2021

    Count –10 days

    I want to apologize to anyone following this. I feel like it’s turned into a sad story about a boy and his crush. But I can’t do what I’d normally do in this situation which is watch porn, even if I didn’t MO I’d probably be laying around watching cam girls right now. I was slightly trigger the crush was out to dinner with a friend. This guy is, or was, who knows, on the same level with me in terms of her attention but he lives closer to her and doesn’t have my ISSUES. He’s a really good guy, but when it comes to her I hate that MFer. He’s just always around, and he’s loud and confident. I really hate him.

    I was having a decent day until I saw a picture of them at dinner. I’m 75-90% sure they’re just friends out for dinner but it bothers me. I hate that it bothers me, cause honestly, nothing has changed on the surface. They used to go out randomly before 2 weeks ago, so no reason they would stop. But my addict brain is a real SOB. So, I come here and vent. Still planning on sticking to my plan. Going to ask her tomorrow about going to watch the game. Her going out tonight makes me feel like if she says no that is a clear sign. Shit, part of me wishes the events from a few weeks ago didn’t happen. I could go on blissfully ignorant to everything. Now, every text, every post, every reaction puts knots in my stomach. Fuck!!!!

    I no longer have a good feeling about this whole situation. But I hope, I pray that’s just the addict side of me trying to get me back to my old disastrous ways. Though a terrifying thought just cross my mind, what if I was only able to get to where I am with her because of my old ways. What if, now that I’m not PMO’ing that I won't be as charming or something. How do I get out of my own head. Cause it's not a fun place in there. FUCK!!!!!

    Going to go for my fourth walk tonight, sitting around thinking what is going on at the dinner and after dinner. I hate my life right now, this is the absolute worst part of a reboot, the feeling that life was better before when I didn’t care. Going to try and not give in to the depression or the darkness. I do think this is my first reboot with a woman on the radar, this does not make it better.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


    The battle rages on…
     
  4. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Hey man. You'd be, in all my years around recovery communities on the web, the first one to attract women while PMOing and repulsing them when you're clean. That, to me, it's an impossibility. I don't have a good explanation but it's been my own experience, again and again: staying clean -> women flirting with me.

    You're not only charming, but you are a good dude, because you are fighting the good fight. And whether it will be her, or some other woman you'll be just as attracted as you are to her today...that you will be able to possess and satisfy...you will, in the end, conclude: "It was worth it!"

    Heads up, straighten your back! Your reptilian brain is fighting to take over your logical one.
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  5. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Thanks man, your words were timely and needed.
     
    Rudolf Geyse and CleanBootsBaby! like this.
  6. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - 8/31/2021

    Count –11 days

    It’s been a grueling and torturous 7 days but I think I’m moving on from this girl. She’s been living in my head rent-free and it’s not good. So, I’m going to control the things I can, which is my behavior. I’m going to do my best to go to how things were before, if she’s going to act like nothing has changed then I’m going to do the same. I say that literally barely speaking to her since it all went down, but it’s all I can do. I’m not smooth, and I don’t have much game so if that is what I need to get this girl then I have to accept it is not meant to be.

    For an update on what happened last night. Her and the friend did karaoke after dinner, completely impromptu. And karaoke was kind of our thing, not just me and her, but the 3 of us. And seeing them doing it without me triggered my FOGLO (Fear Of Getting Left Out). It caused me to send them both a message in jest about it. I had commented on Facebook about being absolutely bored, and then I see a video of them doing karaoke like 30 minutes later. They both told me it was impromptu but mentioned plans to go again Thursday, y’all know the day I planned on asked her to watch the game. I responded to make sure they knew I wasn’t mad and mentioned the game. I’ll probably mention it again Thursday, but that’s it. Now, what really bothers me, and what I'll never know is if they would've told me about Thursday if i hadn't said anything.

    Going forward going to do the best I can to just behave as normal and stop thinking too much. I just got to be me, it’s all I can do. I’ll keep those who are interested updated, mainly because this forum is the only place I can truly talk about it. Can’t really explain this to my friends, because the event that sparked all of this is a secret, and no one knows about my condition. I have to keep posting because all this shit has been making me want to run to the cam sites for the past 18 hours. It’s been rough and frustrating.

    I’m off to fight another day.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


    The battle rages on…
     
    -Luke- and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  7. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Happy to hear that!

    Cam sites were what dragged me back into P one too many times.

    Chin up, soldier! You're doing FINE!
     
  8. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - 9/1/2021

    Count –12 days

    I’m in a much, MUCH better space today. I decided to invite the crush to tacos yesterday. She loves tacos and it was Tuesday. I really asked to gauge her response, I was still in a negative head space so I figured she was going to say no. But she said yes, but invited other people. I’m not mad though, the dinner and the outing kind of hammered home the fact that nothing has changed in our relationship from before the hot tub. Now my paranoid mind has suspicions and theories about a lot of what went down at dinner, but it requires 8th level reading between the lines so I’m going to file those away has the notes of a mad man. But being around her and seeing her behave like everything was cool did put me at ease, even if it means we’re not moving forward. I was finally able to shut up the lizard brain for now.

    Though there was an out-of-left field made for tv development that happened afterward. In the definition of a small world, the friend she brought with her to dinner, he knows my ex-girlfriend. The same girl I was with when I discovered I suffered from PIED. And apparently, she was talking about me to him last week. I shit you not, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I wanted to, I’m not that good of a writer I swear. What’s weird is that my friendship with my ex ended cause she was mad at me. Like unfriended me from social media mad. So not sure why I would be coming up, I heard she was showing him pictures, which again don’t know why or how. She DUMPED me, and I have no pictures of her at all. So why would she have pictures of me that she can access? No that’s a lie, I do have pictures but they are buried so deep in my phone it would take too long to get them. So, I guess my life has officially entered TV show land. I’ve watched my neighbor and my best friend’s love life play out like a TV drama, it doesn’t feel good being on the other side, not at all.

    Oh, and I’m currently being catfished, lol. Some ‘way too hot to be randomly messaging me’ chick randomly messaged me out of the blue on Instagram. And in a bit of boredom I responding, and we’ve been chatting all day. This isn’t the first time but I always feel bad for people who try and catfish me, because I don’t give out money to people I haven’t met in person. And when it comes to text and IM’ing, I can say anything, even confess love because I don’t need to SOUND believable. So, they put all this time and effort to get nothing.

    Back to the point of this page and this journal, I’ve been porn-free now for 12 days, I feel like this is the longest I’ve gone without porn in years. Even during my PMO streak sometimes I would watch porn to see if I was in flatline, and even at the time, I knew how dumb that was. But so far closing on two weeks with no porn, it feels good. Not going to ease up though, going to stay vigilant. I know the turn of events would normally lead to me putting my guard down and relapsing. Though just a peek into my madness, I had the thought yesterday before dinner that knowing my look I would relapse and she would want to take things to the next level. But hopefully, I can stay strong and won’t be in that situation. For everyone sake, cause I know no one wants to read about that for 7 days.


    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.


    The battle rages on…
     
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  9. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    14 days of you rebuilding yourself. Remember, for now, to quote a popular metal song, "Nothing else matters".

    Keep on trucking, soldier.
     
  10. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - 9/3/2021

    Count –14 days

    I think my dopamine is off. My mood swings have been so damn extreme this week. At the beginning of the week I was crashing, yesterday I felt good for the first time. Yesterday I was in tears at the gym. Thankfully I was sweating so no one could tell. But I felt like I needed to cry all morning. I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve decided I may need to see a therapist, I feel like I’m becoming bipolar, but it’s more likely my life just sucks right now. Suck is a strong word, but I can’t seem to get back to the happiness I had 2-3 weeks ago. What I’m not going to do is turn to Porn, though the thought crossed my mind, several times. I’ve been porn-free for 2 weeks now, but I hadn’t really thought about porn for most of that time. Or thought about viewing porn, that is.

    Now I’m staring at a 4-day weekend and a mental state that is all over the place. I think the isolation caused by COVID because I don’t really want to spend the next 4 days alone, driving Uber, but I don’t have many people I can/want to invite out. I don’t know how I ended up here, I was always completely fine being alone but lately, the silence is killing me. So, I feel like my battle has really started, really easy to avoid porn when you don’t want to see it, but now that the thought is there I know this battle has entered the next stage.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  11. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Are you sure your T/E ratio is fine? Stress, lack of sleep...seems like everything conspires to make us less masculine these days.

    I attempted to make it humorous (actually, edited it), but I'm serious. There are many reasons why temporarily they can get out of whack. Can happen to anyone.
     
  12. big54

    big54 Active Member

    My ratio could be off, started taking some testosterone boosters and I probably need to stop. All I seem to feel is uneasiness and borderline depression. I was trying to give it some time to see if it increases my libido but its probably not worth what I'm going through.
     
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  13. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Yep, some of that sweet T may be aromatized into E, but you probably know more about this than I do.

    If I may, based on my past experiences that sent me mentally all over the place while recovering...I'd recommend you build an excellent streak and then reassess. All this odd thing could be because of the rewiring; the stories I read...
     
  14. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - 9/5/2021

    No PMO –16 days
    No Porn – 0 days


    It’s been an extreme 2 weeks, but I think I broke my crush, lol. Friday night we all hung out, me, her, and the guy who’s always around. We bar hopped for a while and got extremely drunk. She got blackout drunk. When I dropped her off, I actually went inside for a change, mainly to use the bathroom. When I told her I was just going to leave, she said just come upstairs. Seeing how in retrospect I shouldn’t have driven back from the bars, making the 40-minute ride home on a holiday weekend would’ve been stupid. Nothing happened though, she basically passed out as soon as I got in the bed, and I was passed out shortly afterward, but there was a lot of cuddling. When she finally reached out the following day she said she didn’t remember the end of the night or me being there. She said she was done going out for a while, and that she didn’t like herself and felt extremely depressed. And since then she’s been radio silent in messenger since. We’re in several group chats, and she’s just not responding to any messages, at least not to group chats that I am in. Truthfully, I’ve never been blackout drunk, and I can imagine how scary that can be for a female, and for it to happen the last 2 times she gone out, and sadly I was there both times. I fear she will mark me as the cause, though we’ve been hanging out since May, and there were the only times she got blackout drunk. I know I said this like 5 days ago, but I really am going to give her some space and time.

    I wish this journal didn’t devolve into a sad tale about a boy and a girl he’s too afraid to confess his feelings to. But this is really the only place I can really get this out. Plus, this struggle has been keeping me distracted. That being said, I did end up viewing porn for the first time this weekend. Positive note, nothing has been triggered just yet. I’m adding that counter to my post so I can keep track of that. I honestly feel like that is as important as not PMO’ing. I honestly think it may be more important for me. Even doing my long streak I was viewing porn so I wasn’t fixing the problem.

    So, now I think my life will return to normal. Whatever I had going on with this girl is probably over, and I probably missed my moment. But if that was it, it wouldn’t have been right. Though it’s also been 2 days, the fact that she not responding to any message actually makes me feel like she’s in a bad space. I can’t control that and hopefully, after a few days she’ll be okay, but until I hear from her-I’m not going to stress. Correction, going to try my best not to stress.

    I re-read my journal I read how I said reboot is hard when there’s no female involved, but it’s a different difficulty. Rebooting alone, with no potential on the board makes me ask why am I doing this. But rebooting with a potential mate makes me ask can I be ready in time. And neither one of those are good for reboots. I have to use these past 2 weeks, and these 2 close calls as a reminder of what I am working towards. To be ready to have sex like I’m living in the Grey's Anatomy universe.

    In closing, there were several setbacks this week but I don’t feel broken and disheartened by them. Giving my setback, I’ll be here tomorrow. It’s crucial I go porn free for the next 24 hours

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  15. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Truthfully, you probably know more than me. I have 2 types of reboots, ones that barely make it a 7 days and ones that go between 10 to ???. In the longer attempts, there is a flatline that hits me and i took the testosterone to counteract that. But you are right, guess I'm going to stick with it for 2 more weeks and see how I feel.
     
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  16. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Aaah! You took T to solve the flatline? NOW I get it! I thought you had some legit hormonal issue; forget the two weeks and read on.

    Buddy boyo, buddy boyo, buddy boyo...I do know just about everything about this :D, so you're in luck today. Hand on heart, listen: DON'T sweat about it! NOT one bit! This is PERFECTLY normal! I've been through it a few times - it ALWAYS resolves (unless you're depressed / on antidepressants / hypo-gonadal etc. - some physical ailment of some sort - untypical at this age).

    Now that I have the full understanding of your circumstances, let me make some things clear:
    1. this comes from your brain and it has all to do with dopamine. It is one of the best signs that you are resetting;
    2. do not think that years upon years of P use, and especially following such short streaks will be solved in a few weeks. Listen, I don't want to scare you but I've had forum colleagues that had a one-year flatline. The longest I've heard of was 2 years :|.

    However, take heart: these are RARE to VERY RARE occurrences! The most typical flatline is 90 days. It can be as short as one month. But, of course, these are SOLID steaks, no P, no P substitutes, and certainly NOT edging. This is worse than a quicky for your brain. Every time you compromise you lose some of the progress, but we can't make a rule over "how much".

    Very rarely, a guy in a prolonged flatline will find out that his healthy sexuality can be jump-started by having sex. This, again, is the atypical case.

    Please read this: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ybo...rn-recovery-and-the-mysterious-flatline-2013/ .

    Patience, patience, patience. Rewiring takes time. One day, it will simply start working. You'll have boners out of nowhere and you won't even understand how the heck you had performance anxiety, ever.
     
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  17. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021

    Current Date - 9/7/2021

    No PMO – 18 days, 12 days until 30 days PMO free
    No Porn – 1 day, 2 days until I hit 3 days porn free

    So I made it through Monday with no porn, which was both easier and harder than I thought it’d be. There was a time in the morning/afternoon that I was thinking about it. But I eventually hung out with some friends and got out of the house. I’ve decided to give up the testosterone boosters for 4 weeks. I re-read my posts again and all my stress and anxiety hit after I started taking them. I think they work cause I do get random boners but what they do to me outside of that is not worth it. I’ve decided to embrace the flatline, or at least not actively fight against it. It made sense when I thought something was going to happen with my crush, but nothing will happen there. Also, I can’t cheat this process.

    So back to the basics, 17 days no PMO, and I’ve only view porn on 2 of those days. It was 2 of the last 4, but it sounds better if I say 2 out 17. Hopefully, getting of the testosterone will make me less emotional which will probably lead to me posting less, but everything could change cause despite my best intentions I’m still one text or message from my crush away from spiraling out of control. I will probably reach out to her as a friend, not sure what to say or how much time to give. I still don't have an understanding of her feelings. I know I partially feel guilty for staying the nightI am looking forward to not overanalyzing this situation, once my mind returns to normal. Going to continue to fight against porn, one day at a time. Focus on the next goal

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  18. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - Wednesday, September 8, 2021

    No PMO – 19 days, 11 days until 30 days PMO free
    No Porn – 2 days, 1 day until I hit 3 days porn free

    Another day down. I think I realize why this reboot and everything about the last 3 weeks is causing me so much anxiety and stress. While I know this isn’t true, this feels like my last shot at getting clean. I’ll be 38 in 50 days, and I’m losing the will to fight this into my 40’s. I know it’s just the addict in me talking, but this is such an annoying disease. During one of my reboot attempts, I told some coworkers I hadn’t been sleeping well, and the response I got was to go home and rub one out, it would fix all my problems. I laughed, but I felt like shit because I knew that it was true. I think too, I’m running out of opportunities to meet women. Dating sites don’t really work for me, I don’t take good pictures, and it’s hard for me to keep a conversation going with a stranger through chat. Bars are a no go cause my go-to spot is not opening late anymore due to covid. So, not really sure where to go anymore to pick up women anymore. Not that it’s a problem for right now, but the lack of (for lack of a better phrase) hunting ground makes this feel even more hopeless.

    Going to end on a positive note, I spent all day yesterday on my couch in front of my laptop, doing nothing but watch YouTube videos, and not once did I even think about porn. I patiently wait for the time when I’m not in my feelings and I don’t feel the need to post tiny victories. But one day at a time.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    The battle rages on…
     
  19. big54

    big54 Active Member

    The thing was, I wasn't in a flatline when I started taking them. I was trying to prevent it while also starting a reboot. I've decided to give up the testosterone until I get later in the reboot when I think my brain is better...If I'm talking to a female that is.
     
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  20. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    I see. Well, different mechanisms involved...I can certainly see why you thought it would help, unfortunately the way out is "through hell", no shortcuts...sorry.
     

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