Make Better Choices, again

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by big54, Nov 8, 2020.

  1. big54

    big54 Member

    Start Date – 2/9/2021
    Current Date - 2/26/2021
    Count – 17 days

    So, I’m preparing to enter my third weekend of this fight. Feeling strong, feeling brave. Today I had a positive moment. I went for a walk and was thinking about sex and got a good erection, and was able to keep it longer than I actually wanted as I wanted to return to work. I’m seeing this as a win. Can’t remember the last time I got an erection just from thought and was able to keep it after I started working again. I will conquer this beast.
     
  2. big54

    big54 Member

    Start Date – 2/9/2021
    Current Date - 2/28/2021
    Count – 19 days


    I survived the weekend, but only cause I got saved by the bell. I went to a bar tonight and got drunk for the first time in the reboot. When I came home I went to chaturbate, which I know I shouldn’t have done – especially in that condition. But then I fell asleep on the couch. Walk up sometime later and the girl had logged off. As the days tick up I’m noticing my defenses are getting weaker and that not the way it’s supposed to go. Going to focus on staying strong.
     
  3. big54

    big54 Member

    Start Date – 2/9/2021
    Current Date - 3/4/2021

    Count – 23 days

    So today is the day my stupid plan comes to fruition 23 days with little to no porn and no MO has earned me a trip to the strip club tonight. This is a test of strength and willpower for me. Though I assume the real test will be this weekend. Though I have another trip planned for this month so that will give me another target to aim for after this. My plan is that setting these targets and giving myself rewards will eventually lead to this just being the new norm. Like I how I trained myself to go to the gym regularly.
     
  4. big54

    big54 Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/2/2021
    Count – 4 days


    So, I’m back after taking a break, and if it’s not obvious my ill-fated plan didn’t go well. It was over a month ago and I’m just not getting through the binge it triggered. This is the point where I do lessons learned. There are 2 reasons the plan failed, well 3 when you count the fact the plan wasn’t great to begin with.

    1 – I wasn’t completly honest with myself about where I was in my reboot after 20 days. I knew I wasn’t ready for that environment. For 2 weeks leading up to my strip club visit I was scouring twitter for any hint of nudity and started opening Reddit for images. I avoid hardcore porn, but starter seeking the dopamine from other places.

    2 – The experience at the strip club was at the same time exactly what I want and didn’t want at the same time. I was offered sex immediately but the whole experience was deprived of emotion. I’ve been to strip clubs in the past where I had sensual filled dance, that was sort of what I was looking for. Again this leads to #3, the plan was a bad plan.

    Going forward I’m going to focus on fighting the urges to search for pornographic images. I feel once I get to double-digit days of no porn I start trying to fill the need with other things. The fight marches on and you only lose when you give up.
     
  5. big54

    big54 Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/6/2021
    Count – 8 days

    I think one of the things that makes going through this so tough is the stigmata attached that makes us suffer alone. I’m in a Facebook group for people in my area to hang out and do stuff, and through the group, I’ve made some great friends and met a lot of great women. This has led to a lot of questions about my love life. To be 37 with a great job and my own home and still be single causes people to wonder why. And it’s not like I can come out and tell them. There's also the fact that since I’m hanging out with the same group of people, any failed attempt I have at sex with the women will spread like a virus through the group. So I suffer alone, ignoring potential signs of interest from friends because I don’t want to try and fail.

    In 51 for days, I’m renting a cabin with at least 2 women I feel I may have a shot with and at that point it’ll be 60 days since my last PMO(if I make it). I know 60 days is not enough time to beat this thing, but it’s what I have to focus on.
     
  6. big54

    big54 Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/12/2021
    Count –14 days


    Well, this weekend was rough. I let the genie out of the bottle on Friday night and ended up viewing porn. Despite my best efforts I couldn’t stop viewing it for the entire weekend. Last night I came about as close to breaking as I’ve ever got without actually relapsing. I began to ask the question at what point does viewing porn cross over to PMO even if I don’t actually O. This feeling is actually worse I think than if I actually relapsed. I have all the shame and regret from viewing porn, but without at least the release of an O.

    I will refocus myself and get back to focusing on not viewing porn. 2 weeks is where the fight gets serious, I got caught slipping this weekend. Got to be diligent moving forward.
     
  7. big54

    big54 Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/13/2021
    Count –15 days


    Made it through yesterday without viewing porn, it was tough. I found myself thinking about it for about 2 hours last night. The rest of the week should be easier; I have family in town so I won’t have the privacy to enjoy porn. The fear is that when my family leaves on Sunday the urge will return stronger than before. But I will not take me eye of the goal though, I will focus on making it through the next couple of days.
     
  8. big54

    big54 Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/16/2021
    Count –18 days


    So I may it to Friday, relatively strong. I still find myself going through twitter and Instagram look to get a small fix. If there is truly an area I need to work on, it’s that one. Actively looking for innocent things I know will trigger me to making a bigger mistake. My brother has been with me since Tuesday so that has stifled urge to PMO a bit. I still get the urge to look at the scenes that almost broke me over the weekend, during the quieter moment at night before bed. But I’ve been staying strong to avoid doing that so far. I think I’ll be safe till Sunday night after he leaves, but going to stay vigilant till then. Don’t want to let me guard down and leave myself extra weak after I drop him off at the airport.


    The battle rages on…
     
    Shady likes this.
  9. big54

    big54 Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/18/2021
    Count –20 days

    I’m writing this now as a point of accountability. My addict brain was running on overdrive earlier today, will go into more detail later. But to keep it simple my brain told me that, I should just PMO and not count it. I was all set to do it, but I reminded myself to focus on my goal. So I’m taking my brother to the airport now, I will check back in tonight no matter what. I’m more likely to lie by omission than stating false facts. See you soon…

    The battle rages on…
     
  10. big54

    big54 Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/18/2021
    Count –20 days

    Somehow I made it. After I got back from dropping my brother off I came really close to cracking. I wanted to crack so bad. I like to compare this addiction to other “socially acceptable” addictions. Today I thought about how porn addiction compares to alcohol addiction. A recovering alcoholic can walk into a bar with his/her friends grab some food and drink some water, and call that a victory. When it comes to porn, the simple act of viewing porn is a defeat even though it’s the O that brings satisfaction. So, it’s like going to a bar and triggering your alcoholism without ever tasting the alcohol.

    I think I’m going to have to start posting daily again about my wins and losses when it comes to porn searches. I’m learning that day 20 is where the first difficulty spike sets in. I’m going to try viewing this avoiding porn search in terms of staying above an acceptable percentage, aiming for 95% right now. I don’t really like posting daily because thinking about what to say makes me think about porn, which makes me want to view it. But with how I passive-aggressively view porn lately I probably should think about it more. Or maybe not, I’m just winging it at this point

    The battle rages on…
     
  11. big54

    big54 Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/20/2021
    Count –21 days

    Well, today was a failure, though not a massive one. I failed at my attempt to restart my diet, and I did end up viewing a bit of porn. I opened up onlyfans in an attempt to close any still recurring charges and of course I scrolled for a bit. Well tomorrow is another day, on the positive I avoided hardcore stuff and will keep fighting.

    The battle rages on…
     

Share This Page