Make Better Choices, again

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by big54, Nov 8, 2020.

  1. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 2/9/2021
    Current Date - 2/26/2021
    Count – 17 days

    So, I’m preparing to enter my third weekend of this fight. Feeling strong, feeling brave. Today I had a positive moment. I went for a walk and was thinking about sex and got a good erection, and was able to keep it longer than I actually wanted as I wanted to return to work. I’m seeing this as a win. Can’t remember the last time I got an erection just from thought and was able to keep it after I started working again. I will conquer this beast.
     
    Babylonier likes this.
  2. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 2/9/2021
    Current Date - 2/28/2021
    Count – 19 days


    I survived the weekend, but only cause I got saved by the bell. I went to a bar tonight and got drunk for the first time in the reboot. When I came home I went to chaturbate, which I know I shouldn’t have done – especially in that condition. But then I fell asleep on the couch. Walk up sometime later and the girl had logged off. As the days tick up I’m noticing my defenses are getting weaker and that not the way it’s supposed to go. Going to focus on staying strong.
     
  3. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 2/9/2021
    Current Date - 3/4/2021

    Count – 23 days

    So today is the day my stupid plan comes to fruition 23 days with little to no porn and no MO has earned me a trip to the strip club tonight. This is a test of strength and willpower for me. Though I assume the real test will be this weekend. Though I have another trip planned for this month so that will give me another target to aim for after this. My plan is that setting these targets and giving myself rewards will eventually lead to this just being the new norm. Like I how I trained myself to go to the gym regularly.
     
  4. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/2/2021
    Count – 4 days


    So, I’m back after taking a break, and if it’s not obvious my ill-fated plan didn’t go well. It was over a month ago and I’m just not getting through the binge it triggered. This is the point where I do lessons learned. There are 2 reasons the plan failed, well 3 when you count the fact the plan wasn’t great to begin with.

    1 – I wasn’t completly honest with myself about where I was in my reboot after 20 days. I knew I wasn’t ready for that environment. For 2 weeks leading up to my strip club visit I was scouring twitter for any hint of nudity and started opening Reddit for images. I avoid hardcore porn, but starter seeking the dopamine from other places.

    2 – The experience at the strip club was at the same time exactly what I want and didn’t want at the same time. I was offered sex immediately but the whole experience was deprived of emotion. I’ve been to strip clubs in the past where I had sensual filled dance, that was sort of what I was looking for. Again this leads to #3, the plan was a bad plan.

    Going forward I’m going to focus on fighting the urges to search for pornographic images. I feel once I get to double-digit days of no porn I start trying to fill the need with other things. The fight marches on and you only lose when you give up.
     
  5. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/6/2021
    Count – 8 days

    I think one of the things that makes going through this so tough is the stigmata attached that makes us suffer alone. I’m in a Facebook group for people in my area to hang out and do stuff, and through the group, I’ve made some great friends and met a lot of great women. This has led to a lot of questions about my love life. To be 37 with a great job and my own home and still be single causes people to wonder why. And it’s not like I can come out and tell them. There's also the fact that since I’m hanging out with the same group of people, any failed attempt I have at sex with the women will spread like a virus through the group. So I suffer alone, ignoring potential signs of interest from friends because I don’t want to try and fail.

    In 51 for days, I’m renting a cabin with at least 2 women I feel I may have a shot with and at that point it’ll be 60 days since my last PMO(if I make it). I know 60 days is not enough time to beat this thing, but it’s what I have to focus on.
     
  6. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/12/2021
    Count –14 days


    Well, this weekend was rough. I let the genie out of the bottle on Friday night and ended up viewing porn. Despite my best efforts I couldn’t stop viewing it for the entire weekend. Last night I came about as close to breaking as I’ve ever got without actually relapsing. I began to ask the question at what point does viewing porn cross over to PMO even if I don’t actually O. This feeling is actually worse I think than if I actually relapsed. I have all the shame and regret from viewing porn, but without at least the release of an O.

    I will refocus myself and get back to focusing on not viewing porn. 2 weeks is where the fight gets serious, I got caught slipping this weekend. Got to be diligent moving forward.
     
  7. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/13/2021
    Count –15 days


    Made it through yesterday without viewing porn, it was tough. I found myself thinking about it for about 2 hours last night. The rest of the week should be easier; I have family in town so I won’t have the privacy to enjoy porn. The fear is that when my family leaves on Sunday the urge will return stronger than before. But I will not take me eye of the goal though, I will focus on making it through the next couple of days.
     
  8. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/16/2021
    Count –18 days


    So I may it to Friday, relatively strong. I still find myself going through twitter and Instagram look to get a small fix. If there is truly an area I need to work on, it’s that one. Actively looking for innocent things I know will trigger me to making a bigger mistake. My brother has been with me since Tuesday so that has stifled urge to PMO a bit. I still get the urge to look at the scenes that almost broke me over the weekend, during the quieter moment at night before bed. But I’ve been staying strong to avoid doing that so far. I think I’ll be safe till Sunday night after he leaves, but going to stay vigilant till then. Don’t want to let me guard down and leave myself extra weak after I drop him off at the airport.


    The battle rages on…
     
    Shady likes this.
  9. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/18/2021
    Count –20 days

    I’m writing this now as a point of accountability. My addict brain was running on overdrive earlier today, will go into more detail later. But to keep it simple my brain told me that, I should just PMO and not count it. I was all set to do it, but I reminded myself to focus on my goal. So I’m taking my brother to the airport now, I will check back in tonight no matter what. I’m more likely to lie by omission than stating false facts. See you soon…

    The battle rages on…
     
  10. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/18/2021
    Count –20 days

    Somehow I made it. After I got back from dropping my brother off I came really close to cracking. I wanted to crack so bad. I like to compare this addiction to other “socially acceptable” addictions. Today I thought about how porn addiction compares to alcohol addiction. A recovering alcoholic can walk into a bar with his/her friends grab some food and drink some water, and call that a victory. When it comes to porn, the simple act of viewing porn is a defeat even though it’s the O that brings satisfaction. So, it’s like going to a bar and triggering your alcoholism without ever tasting the alcohol.

    I think I’m going to have to start posting daily again about my wins and losses when it comes to porn searches. I’m learning that day 20 is where the first difficulty spike sets in. I’m going to try viewing this avoiding porn search in terms of staying above an acceptable percentage, aiming for 95% right now. I don’t really like posting daily because thinking about what to say makes me think about porn, which makes me want to view it. But with how I passive-aggressively view porn lately I probably should think about it more. Or maybe not, I’m just winging it at this point

    The battle rages on…
     
  11. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/20/2021
    Count –21 days

    Well, today was a failure, though not a massive one. I failed at my attempt to restart my diet, and I did end up viewing a bit of porn. I opened up onlyfans in an attempt to close any still recurring charges and of course I scrolled for a bit. Well tomorrow is another day, on the positive I avoided hardcore stuff and will keep fighting.

    The battle rages on…
     
  12. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 4/28/2021

    Count – 29 days

    Still going strong, not as strong as I’d like. I started chatting with a onlyfans girl and I know that is going to lead to disaster so I’m going to stop doing that. Think it’s been 4 days since my last post, the weekend went by with very little temptation. I can’t remember the last time I crossed the 30 days no PMO threshold so this feels good. Wish I 30 days no porn, but gotta keep fighting the good fight.

    The battle rages on…
     
  13. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 3/29/2021
    Current Date - 5/10/2021

    Count –42 days

    So I’ve been gone for a while but I haven’t slipped. I just blew by 40 days and didn’t even notice. I wish I could say it was all good over here, but yesterday was the first day I went without viewing porn in a while. It’s weird, I feel like I’m flat-line but I view porn to see if I’m out of it yet. I think it would be okay if I didn’t have this trip coming up with the potential for sex I know I’m not ready for. I’m gearing up for Monday night, been pretty solid so far, close to a day and a half now. Let’s see if I can make it 2.

    The battle rages on…
     
    Babylonier and Shady like this.
  14. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 6/20/2021
    Current Date - 6/24/2021

    Count –4 days

    So, I lot has passed since I was last here. I made it to my previous goal and went a full 62 days without PMO. I was all geared up on my camping trip, and after I got back from the trip I caved hard. Since that trip, I’ve sort of gave up everything, stopped eating healthy, stopped working out, stopped avoiding porn. But I’m back on the wagon, been 3 days no porn so the urge is strong again.

    If I had to name the phrase of Porn and PMO withdrawal this is phrase 1 – the loophole phrase. This is where I have the strength not to go to my normal sites and files for porn, and avoid hardcore, but I go to sites that I know there’s a high chance of seeing images. Most of my Twitter has been made porn-free but there are a few accounts I haven’t muted. And I find myself going to the accounts that I did mute so I wouldn’t see anything. And my urge to go to a strip club is pretty high right now, been trying to move money around in my head so I could afford to go.

    I have to, 1 – recognize the signs, then 2 – avoid the urge…

    The battle rages on…
     
    Shady likes this.
  15. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - 8/24/2021

    Count –3 days


    Once again I’m back. Still stuck in this fight, upset at myself that if I had any kind of dedication I’d be further along. But I’m still here at step one. So, I’ve had this idea of turning my struggle into an HBO style comedy. I mention this because I’ve been hanging out with a woman who I think would be or could be the happy ending of my story. From the moment I met her though I always felt she was out of my league. Well, I found out this past weekend after too many shots that she’s into me as well.

    So here I am facing a golden opportunity, knowing there is nothing I can do for months. And knowing that if I had stuck to this back in June, I’d be 2 months in feeling good. Good/Bad side due to the shots, she claims she only remembers 15% of the night. Good because I’m not in a situation where I have to move in a week or so. Bad because I have to I have to keep acting like nothing happened until it comes up again.

    Now, I know I could and probably am making too much of a big deal about this. But after the events of the weekend, I needed to get this off my chest and this site is the only place I’ve ever been completely honest.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Goodluck man! Most girls love honesty probably more than anything. Don’t be afraid for being real! Your wants, your needs your personality, your dreams, your goals, everything that makes you, you, is too important.
     
  17. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Thanks, yeah, I guess I can give complete honesty a try. It's the one thing I haven't tried with a potential partner. I've tried lying, which went as you may expect. And I've been using avoidance, which hasn't blown up in my face but caused me to miss out on opportunities. Don't want this girl to be one of them, so what do I have to lose.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  18. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - 8/26/2021

    Count –6 days


    6 days in, and no problem. But the first 7 days are usually the easiest. It was a week ago when I caved after back to back nights of week day drinking. Can’t say I’m any stronger now, as there was no drinking since Saturday. I’ve more or less been overthinking the situation I mentioned earlier. Nothing has changed, we normally go a week without speaking has she has her kids with her that week. Now I wonder if I should reach out in spite of this. There are no rules about when we talk, I’m just not a natural talker, especially during the week. I get upset when my sister calls me Mon-Thu.

    My current plan is to invite out to watch her favorite football team play, not live but at a bar somewhere. I’m waiting till next week to do because…reasons. It’s days like this where I do miss going into the office, I had a female support system who would advise me on the proper next move. Now I have to do it all on me own.


    The battle rages on…
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Just read this entire journal so far. That 62 days was no small feat, well done @big54 - you can get back there. Go for it.
     
  20. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Start Date – 8/20/2021
    Current Date - 8/27/2021

    Count –7 days

    So I think I know why I’ve been in such a funk or fog this week. I’ve been walking my block 4-6 times a day since Sunday. Again second guessing every choice. This reboot feels different, feels focused and I think the addict side of my brain can sense that and is cranking up the withdrawals. Also, things last week got pretty sexual, there was nudity and fingering and licking, but I didn’t O – the girls did, I think, I hope, lol. So, in the past a night like that where I could get by with non PIV style sex I would come home a binge. But I didn’t so I think the withdrawal is hitting sooner than usual. Which I actually don’t mind. Don’t get me wrong, I hate the depression and feeling of worthlessness. It’s quite crippling and easily a top 5 worst withdrawal feeling since I started this battle. What I don’t mind is that it’s hitting me while my resolve is the highest. What I fear is what any kind of setback will do to me. I’m putting a lot of stock in a drunken confession during a drunken night, from a person who is already claiming to not remember any of it. Does a drunk mind truly speak a sober heart? Or, and this is probably the addict fucking with me, does this woman just want me to want her. Was my just a friend behavior throwing her off, and now that she knows I’m interested will she start playing games.

    I hate this feeling, and I hate that it’s only been 7 days. It doesn’t help that my job has been extra stressful lately as I’m behind on a project I don’t know how to complete. Been at this place for over 10 years, first time that’s happened.

    I’m just going to trust my instincts and hope that she’s not playing me, but I’m probably going to post some more negative thoughts the asshole addict side of my brain whispers to me. Just not going to listen, and going to stay strong. Cheers to the weekend, which will actually be a dry weekend, cause I really can’t afford to come home drunk right now.


    The battle rages on…
     

Share This Page