Make Better Choices, again

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by big54, Nov 8, 2020.

  1. big54

    big54 Active Member

    11/8/2020 – 13:10


    Don’t call a comeback, sadly I’ve been here for years. I have been hanging with my neighbor lately and he was reading excerpts from a journal he wrote to himself 3 years ago and it inspired me. So here I am. I just checked my last couple of post which were from last year and I realize I’m in the exact same position as I was last time I attempted to reboot. Single, addicted to porn and actually heavier then I was last year. The theme was make better choices, and I actually like that theme.


    I realize now that I’ve been actively battling this problem for 6 years now, well attempting to anyway. This past summer once again inspired me to attempt it again. I had 3 good chances to have sex this summer despite a stay at home order and I was too afraid to even attempt to make the move in 2 of them. I guess today I’ll talk about the one I did. Speaking to women as never been a problem, and when my confidence is high I have somewhat decent “game”. This past summer I was able to pick up and bring home a stripper from the club. I would later find out she was in a rough patch and I let her stay with me for 2 weeks. A stripper trying to work during a pandemic that orders you to stay 6 feet away doesn’t make a lot of money.


    For the first couple of days, this girl was constantly horny and according to her, I give really good head. It was fine for me as I wasn’t confident in my other ability. After a while that dried up and the novelty of living with a stripper wore off really quick. So she left and moved out, but she reached out to me 3 weeks ago needing a place to stay. I was horny and I thought I was up to the challenge so I let her stay again. That first day was my first attempt to have sex in months but I thought I was ready but it didn’t work again. She was here for 6 more days and it was more me giving her oral because I was afraid to fail again. Now she's gone and I'm trying not to full back to my old habits


    I know now my problem isn’t with masturbation, I mean it is, but the real root of my problem is porn. In the past I’ve always judge my progress be my ability not to PMO, but this time I really need to give up the porn, which at times feels impossible. Especially since the lock down went into effect in march I gave up on trying for 4 months and loaded my Instagram and twitter with onlyfan porn girls. But none the less are I am. I’ll probably write more tonight, but my battle is just begun.


    So last week started well, worked out 8 times in 6 days. Ate healthy for 4 out of those days, but the wheels came off on Thursday. PMO Thursday and Saturday and ate like shit Friday and Saturday. I’m going to focus on the theme and continue to try and make better choices today. Just have to focus on the now.
     
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  2. big54

    big54 Active Member

    11/9/2020 – 0:46


    So, today was a better day. Made it to the gym and avoid junk food and fast food. No porn viewed today so I went 3 for 3 for the day. In other news, the girl I mention early won’t go away. Yeah, I know a guy struggling with a porn addiction is upset that a stripper won’t leave him alone. But she asked, no, told me she was coming to stay with me tomorrow. Having her stay with me let me know that I don’t want a roommate. And she is down on her luck right now and needs my help but I refuse to be used by this woman. Even after I reboot and rewire entering into a relationship with this woman would not be healthy and that’s not what I need.
     
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  3. big54

    big54 Active Member

    11/10/2020 – 21:26


    Okay, so the last two days weren’t great for my diet. Yesterday I worked out twice, but due to work zero workout sessions today. The problem with my diet is the same problem I run into with giving up porn. I have to be vigilant all day and any slip up could lead to failure. Though I don’t need to make my diet so strict, I really need to focus on controlling my impulses. And that goes for both food and porn, though for porn I need to stay strict. Porn wise I’ve been good for the most part. Had to sign into onlyfans to unsubscribe to the last remaining accounts I hadn’t do so for. I did have the urge to PMO today, not going to the gym tonight gave more free time tonight than I was expecting, and an impending hurricane took walking off the board. But I will get through this.


    Keep fighting and make better choices.
     
  4. big54

    big54 Active Member

    So, it’s been about a month since I started this thread and in that time, I’ve done the opposite of making good choices. I think I finally took a big step in really curing myself. I finally deleted my porn links from my google chrome. I was probably a step I should’ve taken a month ago but I wasn’t really ready at the time. In the past 30 days I was barely able to make it 7 days without caving. But I’m looking forward now and hopefully will live up to the title and start making better choices.
     
  5. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Just checking in, last night was the first night I didn’t load up Chaturbate and just watch for hours. It’s hard to give up porn when you spend the night watching Cam girls I know. I used to justify it that it wasn’t porn because there was no sex, just nudity but I knew it was a lie. So, that’s where my focus is right now. One day at a time, right…
     
  6. big54

    big54 Active Member

    I can claim a tentative victory of the beast this weekend. I say tentative because 1. The weekend isn’t over, and 2. I did view a decent amount of porn over the past 2 days. I know going full hard mode is the best way to heal, but I think putting the pressure on myself cause a downward spiral that always lead to me PMO after a while. My thought process over the weekend once I did view some porn was, well it’s the middle of December, I may as well give in and start fresh on the first of the year. But I was able resist. I just spoke to my mother and she told me she just reached 5 month of no smoking, and I’m inspired by that. So, hopefully this is the start of something real. Each failure these last 2 months have shown me what I needed to do and where my areas of weaknesses are. I’ve finally, FINALLY removed my porn links from my browser. Well, no, I hid them down so many folders it’ll take a while to find them, I know I should get rid of them, I know. I’m still de-porning my Instagram, didn’t realize how bad that was. But I’m focused on the future here.
     
  7. big54

    big54 Active Member

    So, my battle with the beast is getting intense right now. I realize that since the lockdown happened and I started working from home I started watching more porn during the day. I find myself wanted to watch porn all day today, and yesterday. It makes me glad that I removed all my links, because I would be looking through them right now. New challenges, same beast, same resolve. Make Better Choices.
     
  8. big54

    big54 Active Member

    I’ve made it through another week and weekend without PMO. Sadly, I’m still randomly viewing porn. I’m setting a goal to avoid all forms of porn for the day. I think where I’ve grown in the past month is that I would let the beast whisper in my ear, ‘Well, you watched porn, go ahead in PMO and start fresh tomorrow’. Goal 1 is to not PMO, goal 2 is to avoid porn. I’m not going to have a total failure anymore. I don’t know how many days without PMO it’s been, but I feel good. Based on my past long term reboot attempts, I’m in phase 2. To me that where the beast is lying in the shadows and not attacking me. It usually leads me to a false sense of confidence. How this normally plays out is I end up at a bar or party talking to women but going home alone and drunk, and the beast appears. Thankfully, not sure if I should be thankful for this but, there aren’t any parties or bar outings until New Years'. I just trying to build the strength to be ready when the beast reappears.
     
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  9. big54

    big54 Active Member

    So, I had a dream last night where a woman was asking me for information that I didn’t have at the moment. I told her I would look into and get back to her and I asked for her number, and that when the dream turned. At this point she starts insinuating that she want to hook up, and at this point I realize I’m at some kind of hotel or something. Even in the dream though I was worried about not being able to perform due to my problem and told her we could do it when got the information she wanted. I eventually woke up just angry that PEID has crept into my dreams now. I’ve been porn free for the whole week, didn’t end the year strong, I more or less set myself up for failure with my actions towards the end of the year. I really wish I could bottle up this feeling so I could drink it whenever I felt weak.


    I’m going to focus on making this year the year I finally get over this problem.
     
  10. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Another day down, the first week of the new year is done. Today wasn’t an A+ day, viewed some porn today but it was quick. The beast awakens and the battle has begun. I will try and be completely porn free tomorrow
     
  11. big54

    big54 Active Member

    So here’s my lessons learned on my last reboot attempt. I made it about 10 days, before it all fell apart. I was supposed to be going to Columbia in the beginning of February, but this trip was cancelled.(Fuck you COVID). So, shortly after the trip was cancelled and I finished working, I caved. I think this is the first time I relapsed out of a feeling of want and not need. It led me to realize, my reasoning for rebooting isn’t as solid it as it needs to be. I want to reboot so I can have a healthy relationship in the future. But I constantly tie my reboot to dates, like 30 days, or a trip. My plan was to avoid PMO and Porn for 3-4 weeks then attempt to have sex with a prostitute down there. I did the same thing last year when I went to Costa Rica.


    Well, I’m back on the wagon. Trying to view zero porn for the next 100 days. But right now I’m focus on making it porn free for 3 days. Going porn free forever seems impossible, and I need a target/goal to shoot for. But 100 days seems so daunting, so my current goal is to make till Friday then I will update a readjust my progress.
     
  12. big54

    big54 Active Member

    Made it to Friday, the first 4 days are usually the easiest for me. But now it’s the weekend and I’ll be home and in front of the laptop all weekend, but I’m going to be strong. My goal is to make it through porn free. And I can hear the call of the beast whispering to me, but I will be strong.
     
  13. big54

    big54 Active Member

    So, not going to lie, when I posted on Friday about making it through the weekend without viewing porn I honestly didn’t think I could do it. I was already wavering as I was making the post. But I went through the weekend with practically 0 temptations. So, my next goal is to make it through till Friday. I’m back on my diet and working out regularly again after jumping off the wagon when my trip was canceled but I back on all wagons, both porn and health-wise.
     
  14. big54

    big54 Active Member

    So, I came up with a plan to beat this thing. I don’t think it’s a good plan, but right now I’m the picture of insanity. Doing the same actions and expecting a different result. What I’ve learn in this fight is that I have a better chance of sustained success when I have a goal. When I was going to Columbia I went 20 days with no PMO, and 10 days with no porn. When the trip fell apart, so did my rebooting attempts. So my new (bad) plan is to reward myself with strip club trips. Every 2 weeks I go without viewing porn I’ll go to a strip club. The logic is this gives me a goal with a reward, but also allows me to get used to touching and feeling woman. I know strippers is one step up from porn, but they are real and I can feel and touch them. But I’m putting the cart before the horse cause this plan still requires me to go 2 weeks porn free. I looking at it like rehab places that whine you off of a hardcore drug with a weaker one, then whine you off of that. Let’s see if I can get some progress with this.
     
  15. big54

    big54 Active Member

    So, I’ve made it 2 days so far without viewing porn. But the first 48 are usually the easiest for me. Now I approach the weekend and just have to stay committed to my goal and my plan.
     
  16. big54

    big54 Active Member

    I made it through the weekend, not without temptation. It’s weird, I feel like I’ve accomplished something only to realize I’ve only been at this for a week. Well on to the next week.
     
  17. big54

    big54 Active Member

    9 days in, and I feel like I’m experiencing withdrawal symptoms. I’m no longer sleeping through the night and I tend to wake up with headaches. I guess that means on heading down the right path. This also lets me know what everyone and all the research has been saying, my real addiction is porn, not PMO. I’ve gone 20+ days of no PMO, but it’s been a while since I’ve gone this long with porn. I’m writing this cause I feel the beast whispering to me again.


    I remember my first reboot attempt years ago, I made it 20+ days with no porn then saw a softcore skin-a-max movie and lost it. I guess the 20 days away from hardcore porn had desensitized or re-sensitized my brain. So I know this is the right path. I’m going to focus on getting through the weekend without any setbacks and continuing my fight.
     
  18. big54

    big54 Active Member

    So I made it through another weekend, but this one was a battle. I downloaded a porn scene, and opened it, but closed it right away. The days are getting tougher now, I’m into the thick of the fight now. The one thing I’m holding on to is that the only thing I hate worst then this feeling of needing to PMO is how I feel after I PMO. Going to keep me head down and soldier on.
     
  19. big54

    big54 Active Member

    I feel myself slipping, or at least wanting to slip. I spent a good chunk of last night trying to find loopholes in my defense to see porn, which for me meant browsing twitter. While I didn’t unfollow most of the porn girls I follow on Twitter I did do a get job of muting them. So, thankfully I couldn't get my fix. So, now I’m moving to the next phase where my goal not only not viewing porn but to not make any attempts to find it. I guess this is progress
     
  20. big54

    big54 Active Member

    So, every day I find myself discovering new ways to attempt to relapse. Earlier in the week it was twitter, I would use twitter see half naked women. Today I discovered escorts searching. My problem with rebooting is that I have no girl waiting for me, I have no one on the other side but myself. That’s mainly due to the multiple failed attempts at sex to want to try it again with someone I care about. My plan was/is to seek female company from strip clubs, but today the idea of escorts entered my mind. I know even these searches aren’t helping, but I’m still not viewing porn so got to value the good things I’m doing. As we stand, I’m 7 days away from reaching my first goal and earning myself a trip to the strip club, I’ll admit it these days are getting tougher and tougher, as I expect they should be but inching closer to 20 days of no porn so I’ll keep on keeping on.
     

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