Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by madman, May 25, 2017.
The above sounds awesome!
Read this in a book (Cupid's Poisoned Arrow - Marnia Robinson) yesterday, nothing earth shattering...a guy named Nick writes:
'Isolation is one of the root causes of addiction.
I don't attend any recovery groups, but what I do attend are social events with my school, and I've also gained a social circle, something I've never had. So, for the first time, I have a group of people I know who actually care about me.
Now, I find I'm finally willing to remove every last bit of the negative sexual stuff from my mind.
In fact, I've lost my taste for porn and nasty fantasy. To my surprise, I've been clean now for five and a half weeks, and hopefully for the rest of my life.' - Nick
Now, back to me. What do you all think about that?
I can relate as far as being isolated. I have a loose group of friends. When I say loose, I mean we see each other a few times a month, but things are pretty superficial. I would never discuss anything as intimate as PMO with any of them. As long as we don't get too serious, it's all good. We talk about sports alot and eat together. Laughing and joking around most of time.
Nick's remarks spoke to me. He has not sought out recovery per se. He has just become more involved with people. More social. He found groups he could connect with.
Could this work? I cannot say. Non-harmful social connection? This site provides that in a virtual way.
The book is good. Teaching me about my sexual self.
Bless you guys. I appreciate your input. Hoping your day is good.
When we are older our isolation can be more acute. We are more entrenched in our patterns and less likely to seek out new social groups.
However, I do agree that we don't necessarily need to seek out recovery groups and the like. Nick made a decision to be more social, he acted upon a good impulse. I think that is the crux of the matter. We all really do know already what we need. So, what's stopping us from being our amazing selves? My belief is that it is simply inaction. We do nothing, just like we always have, but keep on talking a good game, which leads us nowhere.
That's great you are learning so much from the book.
How true, Saville.
Gone from this site for a time. I'm back. Porn kicking my butt. Can't reach out or find accountability partners. Afraid they will be abusive instead of helpful. Keeps me lonely, isolated, unable to find sobriety. I can't do this alone. But I'm afraid to reveal my true self to anyone. Can only believe any accountability partner would be a jerk. I don't think I've even had a good human relationship, so I am scared. Scared of people hurting me. I stay locked inside this addiction. Sobriety counter is not accurate. I just don't know how to reset it. I only have 1 day of sobriety.
Instead of being PMO free, why not make recovery success based on how successfully you reached out for help? Or tried to connect to someone else in recovery? PMO free is our goal. To a lone wolf, not possible. Learning to reach out and connect. That is my goal now. Sobriety counter not accurate. 1 day of sobriety is.
This is a good goal. The founder of this site, and many other have said, that we MUST be active on the journals of others. As we help other, we help ourselves. If I help my neighbor build a fence I get stronger. If he knows more than I then I gain insight. I have seen it over and over again here: the people who do not reach out to others simply do not get healthy.
The addict wants us to be afraid and say we're no good, that we have nothing to offer. We ALL have something to offer, but it requires effort.
Glad you're back!
Go ahead. Lecture me. I need it. Thanks.
Not lecturing, just rephrasing what you already know.
Is someone could please share how to set my counter to zero I would appreciate it ! I only wish I had that many days of no PMO.
Hey man, I have not had much success finding real life accountability partners either. They generally flake out on me. But here on YBR I have found huge help and accountability that has been a game changer. So I'd encourage you at least to post daily here, once in your own journal, once in someone else's as a starting point. Then if you are able to find a real life accountability partner and that works out, great. If not, we're here for you.
RE: your counter, I don't see one for you, maybe you deleted it? Go to the signature of my post, read the line right under the brain picture and click on "set up your own here." When you want to reset your counter, go to one of your own posts and click on "set up your own here" on your post and re-set-up the dates and times.
It's why I go to the gym by myself. Eventually partners do "flake out" as Squire has noted. It is our goal to be P free, not our partners. Again, I agree with Squire that this community is a place filled with accountability partners, if only we will use them.
You MUST decide for yourself. Accountability partners are for those that feel they cannot do it alone. You can, you must. You can do it JUST DO IT. Your best accountability partner is you! Perhaps, sounds like I have no clue but believe me I do. When you have someone else you now have more responsibility. You do not need that.
The man in the mirror is your accountability partner.
This journey is for you and know one else it's about improving yourself for you and the rest will follow one way or another.
Hmm. Maybe we should define what we mean by accountability partners.
It's true that the responsibility for your recovery lies with you, no one else. Nobody else can do it for you. And no matter how many friends or accountability partners or encouragers or drill sargeants you have in your life, recovery is just not going to happen if you are not committed to it and putting out effort--serious effort.
However, I spent like 35 years absolutely wallowing in PMO, up and down, not a clue what I was doing, trying some things for a while, getting discouraged and giving up for a while, resolving to do it right this time and being intense for a week or two and then failing again. I found that doing it by myself was a disaster that got me nowhere. What started to turn things around was the accountability of logging on to this site, hearing truth from other men that was not always comfortable for me to hear, but sometimes hearing truth that made me feel that I wasn't as bad as I thought, learning from their experiences, getting reading recommendations, seeing my counter go up and down and seeing theirs go up and down. It has been life changing to feel like I'm not alone, I'm not some kind of weirdo having problems no one else has ever had, and I don't have to discover some brand new path that's never been discovered before. Other guys have recovered and I can too. And they can teach me how. But I still have to do it myself.
So in my opinion, contact with comrades following a similar path is essential to recovery; recovery will not be successful if you go at it as a lone ranger. It hasn't been up to this point, so what would be different? Whether you call that an accountability partner, a buddy, a pen-pal, a mentor, whatever. Whether it's online or in person. Keep coming to the site, stay connected with us, but by all means, do the work yourself and don't get discouraged and give up if/when you don't find the perfect friend(s) for the journey. Just travel with all us bozos you have on here until something better comes along.
Thanks for replying everyone! Wow.
Your experience with accountability partners, Squire. Every recovery book insists getting an accountability partner is the way to successful recovery, but then they flake out.
Yea, I deleted my counter. Too much of a pain keeping it accurate, and I couldn't see how. Thanks for sharing how. Maybe I'll put it back on here someday. I have 23 days now, but then I hate to think about it, or I'll act out. Keeping track is a two sided thing to me, a blessing and a curse. I believe I would not really think about it much if I was free of this addiction. But then, maybe someone will share their thoughts on this. That would be awesome!
I go to the gym too, Saville. It helps clear my head out so I can think. The haze lifts when I sweat. Thanks for sharing !
I cannot do this alone, Bobo. It has taken me a long time to get to this place. I have to find someone I can talk to about it. Freely. Openly. Without fear of judgement.
I am easily hurt, then I run away and hide for a while. Abusive past and all that. Can't bond. Scares me too much. Uneasy about it. I know I will be hurt again eventually. A lot of issues.
Google'd 'can't bond' and found You Tube videos by Peter Gerlach. He seems to nail it for me. Old dead guy, but he made these videos, and they are speaking to me. Just looking at him you can see the pain on his face. He is familiar with abuse. Getting some answers. The root of the problem possibly. Peter is my man now.
A lot of pain. Acting out provides relief, but not good. As we all know.
You're right Mr DD. The man in the mirror is who I answer to. Thanks.
Thanks Squire for sharing. You speak volumes of good advice. Peace.
I thought about a counter at the beginning, but decided against it. Like with most things it was an unconscious decision. I quit PMO on April 22 of 2016, a date I will never forget...or was it the 21? I'm basically for whatever motivates a person. For me, having a counter is like standing on the scale everyday and looking for progress. It was more gratifying to count the weeks once-in-awhile, rather than obsess about one more day in the bag.
That sucks, bro. I'm glad you've found those videos that you relate to. But, related to the counters, the day we stop PMO is the day we reclaim our life. It starts immediately. We don't have to wait for a magic 90 days clean, we just have to turn our face, our minds, and our hearts to a new direction.
I am on the recovery track! More of you have said 'Keep posting'. I don't have a lot to say most of the time, but I guess that's ok. The struggle to stay sober is real though. I feel the pull of P all the time. I have probably been watching P for 50+ years. The pull of P is not going to lessen quickly. It has had me for a long long time, almost ruining me on more than one occasion. I appreciate all the feedback of recent.
Yeah Madman I often feel that I do not have much to say, but until someone agrees with me I will continue to make it my intention to say something. I say too much at times in the real world so maybe I will one day be put in my place here.
As they say some place else "keep coming back, it works if you work it"
It does not really matter what you say, the fact is that you are there to say something that gives the feeling that they are not alone they are in the company of others who understand.
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