Mad at the world. This is hard to do.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by madman, May 25, 2017.

  1. madman

    madman Member

    Using a counter wasn't working for me. All I did was obsess over how many sober days I had. Really it was just setting me up for relapse. I am having more luck not paying so much attention. Must say, it is working better. Just don't act out. My motto. I appreciate the members of this forum. I gain much from the readings. Thank you.
  2. Jimfornow

    Jimfornow New Member

    This video may have some useful info that can help
  3. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Obsessing is what addicts tend to do, but it fades as you get better...unless you're truly OCD. A lot of us probably are.
  4. madman

    madman Member

    Gone from this site for a long time now. Sorry. Nothing to say. Failing over and over. Miserable. No sobriety. Went over a hundred days multiples times in 2016 and 17. Oh well. I cannot do this. No matter how hard I try. I keep acting out.It's not going to happen. I am not going to change. Maybe I am at the bottom now, or at least close. I don't know.

    Being a lone wolf doesn't help, or work. Maybe that is the lesson here. Taught to be Marlboro Man, tough guys don't need the error. How do I find support? Tough guys, they go it alone. They can handle it. Alone.

    My dad died alone pretty much, with no friends. Only a few people attended his funeral. I was one of them. He couldn't reach out for help. Never did. A lonely man his whole life. I learned what I know pretty much from him.

    I am on the same path.

    I have a bachelor's degree, with 4.0. It took a heck lot of discipline and work. I climbed the highest peak in Colorado, stood on the summit for 20 minutes. After finishing and back down at the bottom, looking back, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Had many opportunities to quit on the way up. I wanted to, and considered it seriously, but kept on keeping on. I made it. I taught myself to become a software developer, was hired and now that is what I call myself, even though I am still having a hard time getting another developer job. Still too inexperienced, according to what the job market tells me. The learning curve is steep.

    I am not giving up. Failure with sobriety is the same. I can't give up. Sobriety just might be harder than getting a degree, climbing a 14er, or becoming a software developer. Quite possibly. I haven't got there yet. I wouldn't know. And I know there is no such thing as perfection.

    But there is help. I believe it. I just have to keep at it, keep seeking it, and keep believing. I can't stay a loner. It will destroy me. Or better said, I will destroy myself.

    Really don't want this for my life. Somebody can help me. I know all things all possible. There is some Bible verse about that.

    Love you guys.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Our arms embrace you.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Although we can feel terribly alone, madman, truth is, we are never alone. I'm right here with you, bro:)
    Boxer17 likes this.
  7. madman

    madman Member

    Sometimes I wonder how people connect. I do feel alone. In fact it's what I am most familiar with. My normal. Isolation is not the addict's friend. Elementary Recovery 101. I'm aware. Nothing profound. or earth shattering. Thanks guys. I believe you.
  8. 57yrold

    57yrold Member

    We believe in you!
  9. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    I feel for ya, Bro. I

    t's great that you're back here, at least. This place, if you get involved, might learn ya something about solidarity, about... what it means to care and be cared for. It's hugely significant that you recognise in yourself this Lone Wolf/Tough Guy syndrome. You can still be tough and loved! But, what I'm trying to say is that I wish I could actually add something constructive, you know, point you in some sorta direction that you could explore (outside of YBR) but... I dunno. Other than just trying to get involved with folk... a men's group? Or maybe just... I dunno, some sort've group project, could be a sport or a charity or something... I dunno, mate. I'm just throwing spaghetti at the wall (as Saville once said).

    But listen: I can relate to your sense of isolation, even though, in real terms I'm not actually prolly as isolated. I've got friends who ask me for help and I'm okay askin' from them back, etc. But still I can feel grossly disconnected at times, so perhaps... just maybe your sense of isolation is not all to do with your reality, after all? Maybe it also has some internal aspect that can be tweeked...

    Blah, blah, blah.

    But hey! Well done on graduating (that's not something I've been able to persist at!) and climbing the mountain, too: that's powerful stuff! If you can do those things perhaps you can achieve some sobriety after all? I would say it's cause to feel hopeful, at least.

    Posi-vibes to ya, mate.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  10. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    So good to hear from you Sir. I think of you often and my heart is with you in this struggle
  11. madman

    madman Member

    Oh guys. You do hear me and feel me. I related. You reciprocated ! It's working. I'm moving in the right direction. We are. To read your responses breathes life into my struggle and battle. Per chance I am close to being on the right track. Now if I can just continue... Transparency comes with risk. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. There is no perfection in this world. I have been acting out like crazy for months. Sobriety is all but gone. But you all rock. Thanks !
    Boxer17 and Billy B. like this.
  12. madman

    madman Member

    I think my problem lies in the fact that I cannot talk to anyone about my problem. I cannot trust anybody. Therefore I keep locked up within myself. Therefore I keep acting out.
  13. madman

    madman Member

    Thanks Billy B for using the word 'solidarity'. I had to look up its meaning. Wow. Right on !
    Billy B. likes this.
  14. 57yrold

    57yrold Member

    Talk to us! We're here for you!
    Boxer17 and Billy B. like this.
  15. breath

    breath Member

    Would your wife have been flattered ? Even when my marriage was in a rough spot having a boner is a good thing to share with a woman.. It'd called making love for a reason... I realize there are times when it just seems that intamacy is not alive in a relationship - but I also realized years too late in the game that my grudges and percieved irreparable ruts were something treated best with good old affection.
  16. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Keep comin' back, man. It doesn't matter if you're using at the moment, it's your intention that counts. And these guys here... they really are an amazing support.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm not a Christian, but I do read books by Christians that inspire me. I remember reading somewhere that the way to the cross is through failure, not through believing we are right. It's when we're vulnerable that we have a chance at finding any kind of meaning. In the meantime, what are you doing in a practical sense to give meaning to your day?
    NCBob likes this.
  18. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I heard this many years ago, madman: "when we're alone with an addict, we're alone with someone who is trying to kill ourselves"....

    It is most definitely true....
    Saville likes this.
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Exactly, Saville:)
  20. madman

    madman Member

    What am I doing in a practical sense to give meaning to my day?

    Hmmm...well, Saturday night I went to a Bible study where I saw a bunch of my buddies. Had good fellowship. Ate together. Sunday I went to church and saw them again. We plan to get together for lunch Wednesday this week at one of the best bbq places in town.

    Then my wife and I hung out at home, cleaning out some old aimoires, making room in them for more essential things, getting rid of non-essentials taking up that valuable storage space.

    I hauled in a bunch of firewood from the outside, and cleaned up some leaves out in the cold. 20 degrees out. My wife and I took our dog for a walk in the cold. Invigorating, and chilly. We got cold quickly.

    I then did some studying for Amazon Web Services certification test, and Microsoft C# and ASP.NET certifications.

    Watched some NFL playoff action on TV.

    This morning I cooked breakfast for my wife: bacon, eggs, toast, pancakes and berries with coffee. Started a fire in the fireplace. We ate breakfast by the fire to Harry Connick Jr. It was wonderful.
    Boxer17, NCBob and Saville like this.

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