Mad at the world. This is hard to do.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by madman, May 25, 2017.

  1. madman

    madman Member

    PMO free 93 days. Then 106 days. Now I have acted out 6 times this last week? P, M, and O. What's up? So what? I don't care. Once fallen, always fallen? It seems. NoFap is impossible. I am tired of it for now. I will say, 106 days was amazing. Then I woke up in the middle of the night with a raging hard on. Raging. Had to get up, stumble in the dark so as not to wake up my wife to our hall bath, and M. Boy did I. Enough that I penalized myself. I had lost my streak. What the? Then I gave in and watched P several times in the last week. And M'd and O'd. Back to square one again. Wow. This sucks. Couldn't handle the raging hard on in the middle of the night. It was too much. I am really wanting this to work. I believe the benefits would be marvelous. I thought I was on a roll. I was really going to say goodbye to PMO for good this time. But I fell again. I would like to kick PMO out for good. I really would. Haven't been able to make it happen. No one said it was going to be easy. I know.
  2. dirtmeister

    dirtmeister New Member

    If you woke up with a raging hardon then why didn't you just go for your wife?
    Last edited: May 25, 2017
  3. madman

    madman Member

    It was 3am. I did not want to wake her. Besides, I am not proud to's been a long time since we have had sex. I am not in the habit of going to my wife for sex now. Thanks to P...M...O.
  4. Rapha

    Rapha Active Member

    You slipped up and the perceived failure has hit you hard. It feels like all your hard work is undone, I get that.

    However, I guarantee you're still in a better place now than you were a year ago or 5 years ago. Haven't there been times in the past were you were continually acting out and feeling like your life was out of control? The fact you went on those long streaks means that you believe in fighting for this. Our lives are never going to be perfect and it's unrealistic to expect that you'll never PMO again. However the best thing you can do now is get back on track. Relapses are shitty but don't use it as an excuse to keep on binging on PMO - you'll only end up feeling worse as a result.
    Failed but improving likes this.
  5. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    It is not back to square one. You are learning to tame a wild beast. The beast wants to run free like it used to in the PMO days. It caught you unawares in the middle of the night. The beast is laughing now as it won this battle and has you caught up in self flagellation.

    Who gives a shit about the streak? It is about winning the war!

    Now it is up to you to catch the beast unawares and put it on a leash. Put you in charge. So the beast can be wild but with you in charge.

    Maybe time to start intimacy with the wife again?

    Be happy the beast is alive and well! Many here keep on struggling with PIED, including myself.

    Happy taming!

  6. madman

    madman Member

    Yea. I felt so awful after losing my streak after 93 and then 106 PMO free days. I had my hopes up that I was going to lick it for good this time. I questioned whether I should consider it a relapse after M'ing. As a matter of personal integrity I decided I indeed had lost my PMO free streak, so I needed to start over from zero again. So I have. Ya gotta be honest with yourself! Anyway...then on day 1 of new streak, I started viewing P again online, and went downhill for the next week. I decided I didn't give a S@#T. So -F- it. Finally I decided to reach out on this site. I appreciate the comments. Knowing perfection is unattainable helps. I just read about all these guys that have given it up for good. I think it must be attainable... to kick this PMO habit forever. I am in a better place than I was a year ago though. True. It is a freaking beast !
  7. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    It is attainable! But that is not what it is all about, the "attainment of no PMO". That is a by-product of the journey towards health, love and respect!

    You are licking it for good! Yep you had a slip, and you have the desire to ditch the PMO, you have integrity, you are in a much better place. Give yourself that respect!
    Last edited: May 26, 2017
    Newman8888 likes this.
  8. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    This has only recently seeped into my awareness. Not focusing on getting PMO free as a be all and end all approach but put attention on doing what is good for me, what feels right.

    It's good that you decided not to make it worse by going deeper into the PMO world of false promises. Keep posting and much strength to you.
  9. madman

    madman Member

    Day 3. Consequences of acting out...the hangover is upon me. Brain full of fog like crap, probably lasting for weeks now. The negative outlook.. is real. I would usually keep this hidden. My secret. My motto has been...Leave Me Alone...and...None of Your Damn Business. But thanks... for reading my posts and responding. This's a wonderful thing.
  10. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete


    And this, too! Pure gold.

    Rebooting, for me, has been a journey away from fear, anger and self-loathing - to a more spiritual, connected life. I've slipped and stumbled many times along the way, but each time I've learned so much from it that I do not regret any of my relapses. They are teachers. They show when I'm being lazy, or losing myself to fear or complacency, or allowing stress to get to me. They are pointing to a new, happier life.

    Relax into it. I made great progress the day I learned not to fear relapsing, which helped me put porn addiction into its place. It's just the by-product of unhappiness and fear and despair.

    Good luck with your journey. We're all in this together.
  11. ananoman

    ananoman Active Member

    Rewire to your wife if at all possible. The stuff that came after is the chaser effect. Don't beat yourself up over this. We are all on this same journey
  12. madman

    madman Member

    There is nothing I want more than to rewire with my wife. She is aware of my PMO addiction and has been supportive really. I don't know if it's because my brain is so wired to PMO or what. Initiating sex with her just doesn't happen. I am real hung up on this. I wish I knew why. It is an issue.
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    If you want it then you'll do it. Recovery is an action. Rekindling intimacy with a partner is also an action. Thinking about it never gets us anywhere. Read the journals of others and you will see that many men here have successfully gotten back sexual relations with their partners.
  14. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi madman,

    I totally understand and relate to your last few posts. The PMO addiction has created neural pathways that will take time to alter. But they can and will. I have a good friend almost 8 years clean from a lifetime of PMO and he is 60 years old. I like to suggest the non-sexual physical bonding with spouse as a great aid in battling long term PMO addiction. Hand holding, cuddle, hug , spooning, gentle kiss... lots of good neurochemistry from this "couple bonding" physicality. In my opinion and experience.

    Don't beat yourself up over the slips and broken streaks, I have had them too. Once fell at day 295..ouch. But picked myself back up. you can do this.
  15. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    It's amazing how much we all have in common.

    Like you I have struggled to rekindle the intimacy with my wife. It is through my neglect that she doesn't initiate now. What I can tell you is sticking to the reboot will help in time, even if you have no other ideas (like me). EQ improves, as does sensation- more importantly you start living in the present moment and start experiencing her without the filter of fantasy and all that crap. She will pick up on it, and start to trust you and want you more. That has been my experience.

    We use morning wood to screw, on average about once a month. Based on past experience this will improve to once a week around day 400.

    Hang tight madman.
  16. madman

    madman Member

    Porn...devastating to a clear head. I am still in a post relapse cloud, but it is starting to lift some. Getting my head out of the sand. I am an addict. Wow. Not easy to admit. Facing the music. I really appreciate the candid wisdom and sharing. I do need to rekindle the intimacy with my wife. I am reading up on karazza. It sounds like a possible solution. At least she is still with me. Bless you...
    bobjes likes this.
  17. Papa

    Papa New Member

    I just read your posts. I'm at day 96 and i worry sometimes if I'm gonna relapse but I'm trying to be strong and don't want that. You can do it, you did 93 days now double it. I thought once we reach the 90 day mark we think to ourselves "now what?" We need to keep going strong after the 90 and set new goals, after 90 we aim for 100, after that 120 and so on. Good luck we are all rooting for you
  18. madman

    madman Member

    96 days is awesome! Congrats! I had 93, and then 106. Now I'm at 16, all because I could not make love to my wife. Instead I chose to M. My wife deserves better, but it's like I have this mental block because I've M'd ever since I was a little boy. I am 64 now. M'ing is ingrained into my consciousness so deeply I don't know if I can change. Help !
  19. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Hey Madman,

    It is possible! An old dog can learn new tricks. :) Check the Myth Busters episode on that.

    And that is what is required. Bust the myth in your head! A lot of us here have done it, so can you!

    Yes it is lodged deeply in your brain, and please read up on the plasticity of the brain. It can be changed.

    How about you deserve better? ;)
    Boxer17 likes this.
  20. madman

    madman Member

    Not familiar with the Myth Buster's episode. What is it?

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