Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, this second week can be a real bitch. Constant vigilance is required.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Had another very challenging night, although slightly less so. Dreams are intense, surreal, not so much porn related right now. Waking up from sleep is almost painful, a very harsh return to reality. My brain is still on fire, and again, not quite as God-awful as a few days ago. No desires for porn, simply because I feel so awful. Looking forward to feeling better, and not looking forward to dealing with the PMO urges that come along with feeling better.
     
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I've had some weird dreams lately as well. Not sure if there's a correlation to stopping P. I mean we're only a week in.
    Anyway, hope your discomfort goes away soon, bud!
     
    NCBob likes this.
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Always a relationship between weird dreams and withdrawal, Moz. Our brains are trying to process the transition out of insanity any way they can. Our addict brains are trying to reel us back in, any way they can. It's a tightrope.
    Thanks for checking in, Mate:)
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2020
    Mozenjo likes this.
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Another highly uncomfortable night, with some really intense dreams mixed in with dreams in which I'm downloading porn. Files stashed away in all different areas of my computer. Everything about it feels so toxic.
    Still dealing with an intestinal blockage, which makes getting a good night sleep impossible. I'm not having fun with this at all...
     
  6. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    This sounds like a testing time, but stay with it.

    Dealing with discomfort is part of life.

    Like you said in a previous post, safety, serenity and peace of mind are what you need - and you must continue to develop healthy ways of meeting these needs.
     
    Mozenjo likes this.
  7. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    I once read a hypothesis that dreaming is a kind of training simulation. Our brains run us through scenarios in which we face what we believe are the greatest threats in our lives. So as children, it's monsters; as adolescents, it's social humiliation (e.g. going to school without pants). By that logic: for you, it's going back to the fount of addiction.

    Pulling for you, NCB. You're doing great.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  8. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    It is a testing time, on so many levels:cool:
    Don't get too carried away with that empathy thing, forlorn:)
     
  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I appreciate that, Apeman:D
     
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    The dream about downloading files may mean you're downloading them from your brain and into the trash where they belong. I hope that's what it means anyway. Your subconscious is conflicted. We've pounded every part of our brains into mush for so long, even our higher selves need to purge the crap. But this work you're doing will pay some long overdue dividends, my friend. I hope you start getting some relief soon. Proud of you for hanging tough through this.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  11. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Yeah, fair enough. I do tend to get hung up on certain ideas. BTW, did you ever finish that book you were writing?
     
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I agree, Moz. My subconscious is conflicted, and my higher self is needing to work overtime in giving me this emotional/spiritual enema.
    Last night was not quite as bad, and yet not quite good. I managed to get a few chunks of 2-3 hour increments of uninterrupted sleep. Some intense dreams and I'm not sure if any were withdrawal related. My brain is much less on fire than it was just a few days ago, and I'm thankful of that.
    I had a moment last night of recognizing the enormity and power of my lustful side last night, and of how easy it would be for me to step in that direction, even with everything I've been through the past couple of weeks. That scares me, and that is very sobering. It's the same place inside myself that I first recognized when I saw porn for the first time at age 12. It has the power to swallow me up, although I need to remember that is is only a part of me, and only has the power I give it.
    As long as I remind myself that serenity and peace of mind are my priority, I will make good decisions.
    Serenity and peace of mind are my priority.
     
    Mozenjo likes this.
  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Still working on it, and won't be able to finish it until I'm on the other side of this PMO thing. Otherwise, it will be a half-baked recipe. Thanks for asking, forlorn:)
     
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    True.
    But we've given it so much power up to this point, that even as we are finally putting a stop to that, it's a multi-headed beast that will take awhile to die. The problem with this addiction is that it takes what should be a healthy exercise (sex) and twists it into an insatiable desire. A never-ending search for a hit of dope. Food addictions are the same way. Can't live without food, but it can kill us too. We can't be like freakin' rats anymore, pushing the lever for more (fill in the blank with whatever is messing you up).
     
    NCBob likes this.
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Remember the show 'Rat Patrol'? There we were:cool:
    The new show: 'Nope-a-Dope'. Here we are..
     
  16. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I had a few urges to peek last night, shut off my computer instead, and went to bed. Right choice. Sleep was OK, still dealing with some intestinal blockage, and my insides still feel very uncomfortable. However, some very slow movement, so signs that things may be working themselves out. Today is a a day of moving slowly and breathing deeply.
     
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2020
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear of your progress, even though it's slower than you would prefer. But you're heading in the right direction. Stay strong today. I'm doing the same. We're in that tough time now, when the habit wants to re-establish itself. We must not allow it to. We have that power.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  18. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    True, Moz. Thanks for checking in:)
     
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I am exhausted and going to sleep. Thankful for a sober day.
     
  20. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Hope you're well NCBob. Thought I'd share this with you.

    It's an affirmation video, but not in the truest sense. You don't have to repeat or remember it.

    I know these clips can be a little airy fairy but give it a go and see what you think :)

    It's very soothing just to listen to.

     
    NCBob likes this.

Share This Page