Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Moz:)
    I don't think I have any more room for error, so vigilance is mandatory for me.
    Today has been one more day of hell, in every sense of the word. I have felt awful at every moment, both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. No relief at all. Between what is ailing me physically and putting a hard stop to PMO, it all spells tortuous.
    Withdrawal is the worst ever. My subconscious is continually downloading some sort of porn file and storing it somewhere inside my head. I can't figure out where the file is, I can't get rid of it, and I can't stop the process from repeating. Crazy ass shit.
     
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    You need some distance from it. I know you feel like shit, so maybe exercise is out of the question, but anything you're able to do to try and change the subject of your internal dialogue, go for it. Just know that giving in will prolong the agony. You would just start from scratch yet again. Hang in there, my friend. This is going to be a rough road at times.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Moz. No temptation, just feelings of tremendous anxiety, feeling threatened, unsafe, intruded upon, likely the way I truly feel about PMO.
    A question I MUST ask myself each and every time I'm contemplating a making a decision and going in a direction on my computer screen is: Will this help me to feel more serene and at peace with myself. If no, move on.
     
    Mad Dog and positivef like this.
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Last was the worst withdrawal night ever. Oh Dear Lord...
     
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    But you made it! Proud of you. Remember how it felt, and how you need to get to a place where withdrawals are a thing of the past. We'll have vestiges of this shit in our brains forever, but they will wither when we don't use them.
    Good on you for bringing back the counter! I'm starting Day 5 myself, but it won't click over until tonight. So we'll hit our goal pretty much at the same time.
    Keep on, bud.
     
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks for the good words and support, Moz:)
    I look forward to the both of us hitting 30, and then keeping things going.
    Last night was so intense. My subconscious brain kept 'downloading' porn, and I was trying to find it, get rid of it, and stop the process entirely. I couldn't do any of it. Everything in my mind felt so toxic. I realized that my using porn over the past 30+ years had been self-abuse, and in withdrawal, I was helpless from being abused. Totally fucked up.
    There is something parasitic about porn. In a really creepy gnarly way. That scares the shit out of me.
     
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Still feeling like shit today. I'm blown away by the power of the monster I've made for myself. The moment I close my eyes, my subconscious is in high gear cranking out pornographic visuals which feel incredibly toxic and unsafe to be immersed in. This, in addition to the other physical stuff that I'm dealing with, is tortuous.
     
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    NCBob, sorry you're still feeling bad. I get it. I'm kinda depressed today too, partly because of my own health situation and work stresses, but also because these monsters we've created won't go quietly. We've certainly experienced that enough times these past several years. The scenes playing out in your head will lose steam. Don't give them any power, because they are not you. Your past is not you. You are amazing. Right now!
     
    NCBob likes this.
  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I appreciate that, Moz:)
     
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Another rough night to get through - although not nearly as flush with PMO withdrawal dreams/subconscious machinations as the nights before. Feeling like shit otherwise, and going to lay low for the 8th day in a row. My body and psyche have taken a beating...
     
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, it is Sunday. A good day to rest.
    Purging can be a bitch, but it is necessary. 7 days is really good. Make Day 8 great!
     
    NCBob likes this.
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I've definitely got a shitload to purge, and thankful for a break today. Just woke up from a nap, and my mind was doing crazy things. Not sure which universe I was arriving back from when I woke up:confused:
     
  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    When I pulled a hard stop to my inanity last Sunday, I knew that 14 days was the minimal number of days I would need to achieve to begin to experiencing some of the good stuff going on in my mind, and less of the bad stuff. 14 days seemed impossible. Now that I'm on day seven and soon to be eight, my brain is still on fire, and I'm also half-way there. Now, 14 days seems doable. Given the intensity of my withdrawal, 14 may no longer be the threshold point, I'll find out when I get there.

    My entire mindset is different this time around. Recognizing this past week that I've been abusing myself by using porn to anesthetize the chaos, insanity, and abuse I experienced from birth on from my Dad, and my mom's inability to protect me from it, and that my subconscious mind being on auto-pilot and cranking out more self-abuse in the middle of my withdrawal, and my conscious minds inability to do anything about it, has given me massive amounts of clarity as to the nature of my being. I've never had this reinforced from day one from anywhere in my family, it was the exact opposit. What I really needed back then, and what I need the most now, is safety, serenity, and peace of mind. Now that I know this, I'm going to be very protective of making this my focus.
     
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  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Great post. Hopefully each day is better than the last. I know it doesn't always work that way, but whatever your experience in the next week, it's part of the process.
    Glad to hear of your change of mindset. That's necessary. If we don't change our minds, changing our lives is pretty much impossible.
    On to week 2!
     
  15. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Some good insights there, NCBob. I’ve found around the 14 day mark to be a bit of sticking point in previous reboots. By way the most cooomon time for me to relapse was around 10 - 14 days. So that may be something to watch out for. It’s definitely doable, so go for it!...and then go beyond 14 days...

    You are absolutely right about being protective of safety, serenity, and peace of mind.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    How's it going today, NCBob?
     
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  17. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Moz, thanks for checking in. I'm continuing to feel awful, my neurotransmitters are still on fire, and my body feels like shit. My innards have been bound up for 10 days in a row, and although I've tried a number of medications to get things moving along, I've only had small successes with each one. I just tried a Fleet Enema, which created a quick movement, felt really uncomfortable, and in the end, left me in an extremely uncomfortable space. I am not having fun.
    I am staying sober, and that is my number one priority. Going to try and take a nap.
     
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Wow, no wonder your body feels like shit! Sounds like there's plenty of it in there :D Sorry, maybe laughing will help get it out...
    Good luck. My girlfriend says when she was in a tough spot emotionally some years ago, she would go ridiculous amounts of time without movement down there. And when she had a breakthrough with her emotional issue, bam, she had a literal breakthrough down below. Maybe the stress with your current realizations about your relationship to PMO, and the need to remove it from your life this time, have caused the blockage. May sound far-fetched, but there could be something there. Take your nap, and know that you are actually in a very good place right now. It doesn't feel that way, but you ARE.
     
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Unfortunately in way too much pain to laugh, Moz.

    I've done a fair amount of work in mind-body-emotional connections, Moz, and your girlfriend is right. Emotional blocks lead to blockages everywhere else.

    And onward we go:)
     
    Mozenjo likes this.
  20. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks for checking in, Clovis. Yes, days 10-14 are mighty slippery, and I need to be mindful:)
     

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