Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Michener has some great writing, the detail of which boggles my mind. I've not read "The Source", and will make it a point to do so. Thanks for bringing the perspective of an archaeological dig to my attention:) This is very much an exercise in doing this for my own life, which is why this has been such a fascinatingly exhausting process:cool:;)

    When I get the book published, I'll send you a link:D

    Guessing 6 months or less, we shall see!

    Writing tonight, and blown away by the level of detail I'm having to see and feel things in order to make sense, meaning, and easy to understand structure of what I'm putting on paper. Much like everything else in life, there's so much more than meets the eye.

    Hope you're doing well, bro:D
    Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    We all have so much more in us than we ever though...you writing this book is proof of this.
    Mozenjo, NCBob and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks and true, Saville:)

    As I continue to write, I'm unearthing much more than I could have imagined. Just when I think I'm going in a particular direction, the details spell out a different route, and off I go. It's beyond fascinating, and can be quite grueling at times. Seeing, feeling, and owning the details of who we are is quite the process.

    I've watched a number of movies which speak to my soul, one of which is 'Made in Heaven". As in the movie, there are clues here on earth that are given to us in heaven. In writing today, I stumbled upon another one. I am absolutely dumbfounded by a literal blinding flash of the obvious. I'd love to share it here, and yet will wait till after the book is done.:D
    Boxer17, Mozenjo, Gil79 and 2 others like this.
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I think the act of pushing through the struggles of writing a book is going to pay dividends in more ways than one, bud. I think finishing it and publishing it will be very cathartic for you. It already has been. Keep up the good work, my friend.
    Boxer17, NCBob and Saville like this.
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Moz:) If it's a grind, and it has been lately, then a diamond will become of it:D

    Speaking of which, I passed a rather large kidney stone on Monday. I had kidney stones about 20 years ago, and have never been in so much pain in my life. This time around, not nearly as much. I felt a twang last Saturday which reminded my of 20 years ago, and fortunately, things did not digress from there. Hoping that no stones are soon to follow:)

    My dad went to the hospital last Wednesday, and although he thought he might return home, will spend his final days there. Because of covid-19, no family is allowed to visit. I spoke with him by phone last night for the final time. We had a couple of good and short conversations over the weekend, and I felt heartfelt love for him at the time, which was a change from where I've been with him since I wrote him my letter in August. Last night, he was back to being his usual emotionally unavailable self. Maybe it was the medication, being exhausted, ready to move on, or just my dad just being himself.

    While I didn't say anything out loud, I felt really disappointed, hurt, and angry, and thought to myself that he was still a freaking asshole. I said I loved him, wished him well on his journey, and hung up. As I processed what I was feeling, I became acutely aware of how unfulfilled I was by my relationship with him. 63 years with him being my father, and so little to like about it. He was never willing and/or able to grow as a person. And that is that.

    This only motivates me further to remain open to my own growth and transformation, and to have a relationship with my daughter such that when I'm at my deathbed, there will be a boatload of love between us.

    As Sir James Dewar once said, minds are like parachutes - they work best when open.

    Something we can't force, however. Letting go is the starting point. Maybe the finishing point as well:)

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  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    This must be a very tough and confusing situation where you're going through now. I relate to what you write about his unwillingness to grow. Because I think it is unwillingness and not the ability. Everyone is able to grow, but a huge barrier must be crossed for that. You show that you're both able and willing to do this and I have a lot of respect for that. Sending you strength with this situation!
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  7. Give Me Strength

    Give Me Strength Active Member

    Hello NCBob,
    Sorry to hear about your Dad and your relationship with him but good lesson/take away for you and your daughter. I can learn from that too. Up until the last 5 years of his life, my Dad and I had a very bad relationship.

    I wish you well and peace my friend!!!

    NCBob and Gil79 like this.
  8. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks for your thoughts and support, Gil79:)
    All in all, I've been doing very well through all of this. Both of my sisters have been handling my Dad's affairs, which has kept things very easy to manage on my end. From an emotional perspective, I'm at peace with my relationship with my dad. I don't miss him, which is no surprise, and trust that he and I will have a heart to heart at some future place and time and dimension. I suspect his soul has visited a couple of times since his passing, and both of those experiences have been loving in a most interesting way. I suspect that he's finally realized what a loving person I am - which he never recognized when alive. It's both strange and not to say this - he was never once kind to me.
    The good news is that has never stopped me from being myself, and has actually provided motivation for me to show up more fully in the world:) In particular, I treasure my relationship with my daughter, and am/will do anything and everything to let her know that I love her deeply.
    If we haven't love, what do we have?
    forlorn likes this.
  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks for your thoughts, GMS:)
    Yes, a good lesson for myself with my daughter. She's just turned 22, and has just started grad school. She's been looking at a new car to buy (more like wishful thinking, with her current financial situation) and sent me a picture of a Jeep she'd seen for sale at a dealership, asking if it was a good deal. Rather than question her thought process because of her financial situation, I said I'd do some research for her to let her know. She appreciated my efforts, and also lamented on not being in a financial position to buy the car. I let her know that I'd be more than happy to work with her to improve her credit worthiness, and to work with her in learning the ropes on how to buy a car - or this car (I set her up with a number of savings accounts a couple of years ago, and have worked with her in learning to save on a monthly basis for each of these accounts - one of which is a new car savings account). My dad never did any of this with me. I take great pleasure in doing this with my daughter. I am most grateful of being able to do this with her, and of her being open to my helping her with these things. What a difference a generation makes:)
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Just a short check-in - overall, I'm doing well, and not without a few fits and starts with my PMO issues. At this point, my default position is sobriety, so when my boat tips over, I quickly right the ship. I was stuck for a couple of weeks with my writing - especially around the time of my dad's passing, and the past couple of weeks, I've been able to get cranking on my current chapter. I may be continuing to drink my own Kool-Aid, and I'm really psyched as to how this chapter, and the book are unfolding. The process continues to be arduously amazing, and when done, I believe it will be a very powerful read, to those who are open to it. At the very least, it will be powerful to me:D
    Writing it continues to be wonderfully therapeutic, and last night, helped me to remember how small, scared, alone, isolated, vulnerable, and loving I was as a young boy. I had a very good cry over this. I feel both amazed and blessed that I've been able to get from there to here. Something much greater than me has helped carry me through. I am in awe of the process, especially with as many times I've shot myself in the foot along the way. God is great:D
    Mozenjo likes this.
  11. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Hi NCBob,

    Good to hear that you’re doing good overall, especially when you mentioned that your default position is sobriety. I feel as though I’m slowing edging towards that position, however, I’m remaining vigilant as I’ve done longer reboots before and then lapsed.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Good to hear from you @NCBob! I am always inspired by what you write.
    NCBob likes this.
  13. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Good post NCBob. Poignant and thoughtful.

    This life can be a strange and mixed bag of experiences.
    Best regards
    NCBob likes this.
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Gil79:)
    I am always equally inspired and grounded by your words as well:D
    Gil79 likes this.
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Boxer17:) Life can sure be a box of chocolates. Hopefully, not the Whitman's Sampler kind, lol:D
    Boxer17 likes this.
  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I've been eating too many of those maple and molasses chews myself lately o_O Metaphorically, of course.
    Here's to avoiding the stuff that makes us sick...
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  17. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Those maple and molasses chews are gross, Moz:confused:
    Boxer17 likes this.
  18. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Never tried those. I had fermented squid once. It’s an acquired taste...
    Boxer17 likes this.
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Not sure if I even want to go there, Clovis6:confused::)
  20. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member


    I couldn’t believe how bad it tasted, so I tried a second piece...I’m a believer now...
    Boxer17 likes this.

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