Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Michener has some great writing, the detail of which boggles my mind. I've not read "The Source", and will make it a point to do so. Thanks for bringing the perspective of an archaeological dig to my attention:) This is very much an exercise in doing this for my own life, which is why this has been such a fascinatingly exhausting process:cool:;)

    When I get the book published, I'll send you a link:D

    Guessing 6 months or less, we shall see!

    Writing tonight, and blown away by the level of detail I'm having to see and feel things in order to make sense, meaning, and easy to understand structure of what I'm putting on paper. Much like everything else in life, there's so much more than meets the eye.

    Hope you're doing well, bro:D
     
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  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    We all have so much more in us than we ever though...you writing this book is proof of this.
     
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  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks and true, Saville:)

    As I continue to write, I'm unearthing much more than I could have imagined. Just when I think I'm going in a particular direction, the details spell out a different route, and off I go. It's beyond fascinating, and can be quite grueling at times. Seeing, feeling, and owning the details of who we are is quite the process.

    I've watched a number of movies which speak to my soul, one of which is 'Made in Heaven". As in the movie, there are clues here on earth that are given to us in heaven. In writing today, I stumbled upon another one. I am absolutely dumbfounded by a literal blinding flash of the obvious. I'd love to share it here, and yet will wait till after the book is done.:D
     
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I think the act of pushing through the struggles of writing a book is going to pay dividends in more ways than one, bud. I think finishing it and publishing it will be very cathartic for you. It already has been. Keep up the good work, my friend.
     
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  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Moz:) If it's a grind, and it has been lately, then a diamond will become of it:D

    Speaking of which, I passed a rather large kidney stone on Monday. I had kidney stones about 20 years ago, and have never been in so much pain in my life. This time around, not nearly as much. I felt a twang last Saturday which reminded my of 20 years ago, and fortunately, things did not digress from there. Hoping that no stones are soon to follow:)

    My dad went to the hospital last Wednesday, and although he thought he might return home, will spend his final days there. Because of covid-19, no family is allowed to visit. I spoke with him by phone last night for the final time. We had a couple of good and short conversations over the weekend, and I felt heartfelt love for him at the time, which was a change from where I've been with him since I wrote him my letter in August. Last night, he was back to being his usual emotionally unavailable self. Maybe it was the medication, being exhausted, ready to move on, or just my dad just being himself.

    While I didn't say anything out loud, I felt really disappointed, hurt, and angry, and thought to myself that he was still a freaking asshole. I said I loved him, wished him well on his journey, and hung up. As I processed what I was feeling, I became acutely aware of how unfulfilled I was by my relationship with him. 63 years with him being my father, and so little to like about it. He was never willing and/or able to grow as a person. And that is that.

    This only motivates me further to remain open to my own growth and transformation, and to have a relationship with my daughter such that when I'm at my deathbed, there will be a boatload of love between us.

    As Sir James Dewar once said, minds are like parachutes - they work best when open.

    Something we can't force, however. Letting go is the starting point. Maybe the finishing point as well:)

    Peace.
     
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  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    This must be a very tough and confusing situation where you're going through now. I relate to what you write about his unwillingness to grow. Because I think it is unwillingness and not the ability. Everyone is able to grow, but a huge barrier must be crossed for that. You show that you're both able and willing to do this and I have a lot of respect for that. Sending you strength with this situation!
     
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