Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Gil79:) I have great respect and admiration for those folks who are able to write to publish. Not my wheelhouse, and I'm hoping to get this book completed before my wheels fall off:D
     
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  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You totally will!
     
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  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, you will indeed. Besides, wheels can be re-installed even if they fall off. We've put the wheels back on our wagons here so many times, we're freakin' expert wheelwrights!
     
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  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Saville:) Yes, I will finish it, before it finishes me:D
     
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Moz:) At this point, we could replace most of the pit crews at the Indy 500:D
     
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I'm in a funky space this morning. My daughter is visiting from school this weekend, which is great:D We had a conversation last night where she shared a little bit more about how she had been emotionally traumatized when she was y0unger by my some of my behaviors. I was very appreciative of her being willing to open up to me, and also sad that she's still hurting the way she is. She's able to acknowledge that who I am now is much different than back then, and yet still carries quite a bit of pain around with her. Trauma is a bitch.
    Speaking of which, I still haven't heard back from my dad after the last letter I'd sent him several months ago. I'm still at peace with this. My dad did reach out to my daughter via text a few days ago, so it's good to know he's still alive and well. Maybe not so well, in the sense of being in serious denial about how his abusive/controlling behaviors impacted everyone in the family. He was the proverbial F-5 tornado. My family, including my siblings, have been great at pretending this away. I'm grateful for my return back to Kansas:)
    I've continued to struggle mightily with weaving back and forth between the sobriety expressway and the PMO highway. While my misadventures on the PMO highway rarely result in my masturbating to orgasm, there's enough edging and associated rituals that keep me struggling with after-affects from massive dopamine dumps. When I'm on the PMO highway, my thoughts are always, how could I ever live without this, and when I'm on the sobriety express, my thoughts are always, why the hell would I ever want/need porn in my life.
    Two completely different worlds, and yet the transition between the two happens so easily - regardless of which direction I'm driving.
    My challenge and opportunity is to channel my sexual/creative energy constructively, which is a work in progress. I've had a fair amount of success, and there's much room for improvement.
    Any time I can invest this energy in to writing my book, playing the guitar, getting some exercise, building my business, etc, all the better.
    Time for some writing right now...
     
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  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It is really awesome that you can have such forthright conversations with your daughter, that she feels safe enough to open up to you. I mean, this is huge, isn't it? Allowing yourself to be vulnerable also shows how you have become healthier and more self-aware.

    Keep up the great work!
     
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  8. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Saville:)

    My sense is that the great work doesn't always feel good, at least at the start;) On the other hand, the not so great work always feels pleasurable at the beginning, and spirals downhill shortly thereaftero_O
    Here's to keeping things great:D
     
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  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    That is really valuable. Especially considering the shit you're going through with your father. Maybe you broke a cycle of trauma in your family that went from generation to generation by standing up to your father, working on your inner-self and now being there for your daughter. My mother had a difficult period in her 40s where she was trying to tell her parents that she didn't have a good and save childhood, while they just denied that. But when I went to her to tell her her shortcomings as a mother for me, she was open to it and took real interest in my situation, probably also because her experience with her parents (my father is another story). In her (our) case i know that this was something of more generations and I am sure that we broke that cycle here. Anyway, I am sure that this has helped your daughter tremendously and she will remember this whole her life.
     
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  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Interesting. But is it easily or gradually? Because looking back after a relapse I always think I could have seen it coming......
     
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  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I appreciate what you're saying, Gil79:)
    I've definitely broken the cycle of trauma with my dad, and my relationship with my daughter is becoming healthier because of it. Since she hasn't walked in my shoes, she may never understand the significance (hell) of what I've been through to arrive here, and maybe that's not important for her to understand. Having an open, honest, and loving relationship with her is what's important, and being able to appreciate it as such, equally so.
    I'm glad you've been able to experience some of that with your mother:)
     
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  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    There are always signs, evenly spaced, and close together, Gil79:) Whether I pay attention to them can be another story:confused:
     
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Such a sign of positivity. Breaking those old chains, the one's we inherited, is huge.

    Imo I don't think it is important for our children to understand what we've been through; that isn't there job. We hope they are compassionate, but they have their own travails and I think it's our job to help them understand their own lives. Sounds like you're doing just that.
     
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  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    T
    Thanks, Saville:)
     
  15. TheNightfly

    TheNightfly Member

    It’s funny that you said you had sex with lots of woman. I didn’t have as much as you and was not in your category. The point is I wanted to be like you. I think guys want to have any woman they can. I think all I wanted was intimacy. It’s funny but I always got weirded out after sex. It didn’t make sense. On one hand a real man bangs lots of woman. On the other hand we may be wired for that and internet porn comes in.
     
  16. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Not quite sure where you're coming from, TheNightfly, and thanks for your comments:)
     
  17. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I've been focused on getting the next chapter in my book written, and once again, finding it to be an agonizingly exciting process. It's like being in the middle of an underground mining operation, and every now and again, discovering nuggets of gold along the way. The further I dig, the more gold I find, and at some point, I reach the mother load. Not quite there yet, and getting closer. I've been told that each chapter reads like a book, which is pretty cool feedback to get. This chapter will do the same. I'm also exhausted at times by this process, as I've needed to get up close and personal with myself in ways that are uncomfortably intimate the same time. In order to continue writing, I need to continue recovering. As we all know here, no easy thingo_O
     
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  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    So interesting and so familiar. Keep going!
     
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  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    If I've already talked about this, forgive me for not remembering. But it bears repeating. Not sure if you've read "The Source" by James Michener, but it's about an archaeological dig in Israel, with the first chapter taking place in modern times with the protagonist leading the dig. The second chapter starts from the bottom of the hole, in prehistoric times, and is a story unto itself. Each consecutive chapter is another layer in the dig, with another story. There is a family tie running through each story as I recall. I read it probably 40 years ago, and it still holds special significance for me as one of the best books I've ever read.
    Your book sounds similar in some ways to that book. It is your own archaeological dig into your life. I'm sure it is, and will be, fantastic.
     
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  20. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Gil79:) It is a slog at times, and I'm still at it:D
     
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