Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    If you're still on a positive roll, then keep on rollin' on the book! You're doing great.
     
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  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Moz:) This chapter has been a grind. However, I will complete it, and the book, at some point in the fairly not so distant future!
     
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Fairly not so distant...I like that. Sounds like our other journey! Hopefully they are both not so distant.
     
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  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I appreciate that, Moz:)
     
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Three times in the last week, I've either not been able to get to sleep, or woken up in the wee hours of the morning, because my mind would not slow down. In the past, this has always been a trigger point for me to get on the computer and self-sooth via some porn related activity. I've been choosing differently by practicing guitar in the dark, and that has been tremendously helpful in getting me focused and able to get back to sleep. I'm noticing, however, that my fingers and wrists are sore as heck when I wake up in the morning, lol:)
     
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I'm in the middle of writing right now, and just had a thought, and more of a question. With both my book and my recovery from PMO being such daunting challenges, what can I do to make myself aware of even the tiniest little bit of progress that I'm making for each...?
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2020
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Making a little progress while writing. Noticing that I'm feeling overwhelmingly excited about this. When I feel excited, I tend to speed things up, which caused me to feel even more overwhelmed. This is a trigger for PMO. I need to slow things down, to stay on track. Breath. Name my feelings. Write them down. Journal here. Go for a workout. Trust the process, rather than push the river.
     
  8. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    LOL @ the sore fingers/wrist comment. As an alternative to the guitar if your mind feels overactive you could always jot stuff down on a notepad on your bedside table - maybe in those moments, try directing your thoughts to a chapter of your book that you're struggling with. You'll either have a moment of clarity and produce some great writing OR you might start feeling really tired and drop off. But at least if you are wide awake, it will feel as if you're using that time productively.
     
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  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I think the answer to this question includes doing what you are doing here, NCBob. Write it down. I think you're doing fine. If the counter isn't your bag, then just continuing to journal where you are on this journey is important. Progress must involve abstinence, of course, so if you falter, just acknowledge it here with or without the counter. It can be disappointing to announce another slip, I know. I'm an expert at that. But not doing it allows the brain to make excuses. And your book sounds like it's coming along as it should: a process of discovery, struggle, and yes, excitement! Keep letting us know how it's going.
     
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  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Moz:)
    I think the most important part of this process is being appreciative of any and all progress I'm making, as well as being appreciative of any and all things going on in my life that can be appreciated. I'm pretty good at doing this, which translates into feeling pretty good, most of the time. Every now and again I meander off onto the PMO highway, and just as quickly, get myself back on track. In the big picture, I don't see this as faltering, just simply part of the process. That also contributes to me feeling pretty good, most of the time:)
    I woke up early this morning stewing on feelings of anger about my Dad's last letter, played a little guitar to ground myself, and gained clarity I needed to send him a quick note thanking him for writing his letter, that I'm still processing it, and will get back to him when I'm ready to respond. This feels good and right.
    I'm flying out of town later today to meet with a business client I've worked with for a dozen years. We're doing some planning near and long term, and will be celebrating recent successes he's had with his business, of which I've been blessed with being a vital part of. Looking forward to it:D
     
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  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, forlorn:)
    I find that playing guitar is the first/best way to get myself grounded/gain piece of mind when my mind is spinning in bed. I've been doing enough writing as is:) However, once I've gained peace of mind, clarity sets in, and the writing begins:D Playing guitar is always productive for me, simply because the more I do it, the better I get at it:)
     
  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Glad you sent your Dad that letter. Now you can go on your trip and enjoy the fruits of your labor with your client. Have fun!
     
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  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    :)
     
  14. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Fair enough, whatever works I suppose :) I own a guitar (someone gave it to me) but I have no idea how to play.

    Enjoy your time away - sure it will be good to catch up with your client and enjoy a celebration. Do you drink alcohol?
     
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  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Have you ever thought of taking lessons, forlorn? That has been one of the best things I've ever done for myself.

    My visit with my client went exceptionally well, thank you very much:) The time was highly productive for all of us, and especially for he and his team. Mixing personal growth, spirituality, healthy communication, and strategy with business development is an awesome combination:D Our celebrating this was heartfelt and way too much fun:)

    I rarely drink alcohol - averaging about a beer every 3-6 months. I've been on that track since my early 30's.
     
  16. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Pleased to hear it went well, sounds like it was a positive experience. I've never had guitar lessons but it's something I'd consider :)

    Wow, you're certainly disciplined with the booze and that's a good thing as many people here (myself included) have a tendency to switch from one habit to another ("Since I'm not doing X I'll do more of Y").
     
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  17. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Positive experience is an understatement, forlorn:) Transcendent is closer to the mark, and I'm very appreciative of that:D
    I'm thankful that booze isn't an issue with me, porn is more than a handful, no pun intended:cool:

    I had a great sleep last night, filled with a ton of vivid dreams. Better than the movie theater. I thoroughly enjoy this when it happens.

    Meeting with my therapist in a couple of hours to debrief a letter I sent my dad last Sunday. Looking forward to his perspective on what I'd written. It's a third in a series of letters I'd written him since August - the first of which is posted earlier in my journal. So much crazy making in my family, which makes emotional health and healthy boundaries a difficult thing to sort out. All are are good and bright people, which makes ferreting out the insanity a bit of a task, and then some.

    I'm learning that there's such a fine line between sanity and insanity/function and dysfunction/healthy behavior and addiction, which makes it extremely difficult to discern up front, and almost impossible to recognize when you've gone full-throttle in that direction for a good while.

    I feel good right now about the work I've done thus far:)
     
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  18. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I had a client share with me a meme with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson that said "It's not that I have to, it's that I get to"...
    It's not that I have to get free and clear of PMO, it's that I get to...:)
     
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  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    It's been way too long since I've checked in, although I've reading others posts between then and now.
    With the COVID-19 virus in full swing, plenty of insanity playing out in the world. I'm doing a pretty good job of staying grounded, and of identifying and taking advantages of opportunity for personal growth, and of doing the same for my business, and of the writing of my book. I still have my moments of getting lost in my shit, and of wanting to numb myself from my feelings of anger, powerlessness, feeling overwhelmed, and of mistrust of the world around me. For the past several days, I came up with some great grist for the mill for the next chapter in my book with conversations with my clients, and yet, at the of each day, found myself dreading to sit in front of the computer to start writing about this stuff. My mindset was that I'd much rather ease into my PMO rituals, rather than grovel with my writing. I had so much resistance to writing, and my ego was in full swing. Cement head, I call it. I finally forced myself to start writing last night. Very quickly I discovered that in reading what I'd written in my last chapter, I felt much safer and grounded in my being. I was also delighted to find that I was able to continue writing from a place of ease, rather than from a place of groveling and grinding.
    My resistance to being emotionally present can be exceptionally strong at times, to the point of being a steel trap. I'm glad that I was able to say fuck it last night, and just start writing. Clearly, this is a point in my recovery where things are not going to be easy, and I need to accept it as such.
     
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  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Really awesome that you are able to focus that energy in writing. In general and also in such specific case. The author I am reading from now, started writing when he was for months in the hospital, knowing that his sports career had come to an end after an accident. He has written quite some novels by now.
     
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