Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    So true, forlorn:) I learned a long time ago that the only person we need to write for is ourselves. That's what has made this process so excruciatingly interesting. Thanks for your thoughts:)
     
  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I appreciate that, Moz:) My writing process has been like going on an emotional Easter egg hunt. Some of those eggs have been exceptionally well hidden. Amazing how crafty we can be in hiding that which makes us the most uncomfortable. Got to keep finding those eggs and breaking them open. Thanks for checking in:)
     
  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I'm about to sit down and do some writing. Noticing I'm feeling some dread and anxiety about doing this. Also noticing that the PMO route requires no effort at all to kick-start the engine. Comparing the two paths. Writing: intellectual effort, emotional effort, a challenging process, occasional moments of clarity, more moments of grinding, more moments of clarity, connecting the dots, getting lost in the maze, seeing the bigger picture, wash, rinse, repeat. Ultimately, creating something I feel very good about. PMO: Hopping on the track with greased skids, gravity does the work, pulls me downhill, gives me pure pleasure along the way, crashing to a halt at the bottom, and having accomplished nothing when all is said and done.

    Maybe that's why gravity and grave both start with 'grav'. Better that I not give in to gravity and end up in the grave, and put some effort into the equation instead. Time to write...
     
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Had a small breakthrough yesterday, in that I recognized that the same feelings I have after one of my PMO episodes (stress, depression, frustration, anger, rage, powerlessness, etc.) are exactly the same feelings I experienced as a kid when I felt abandoned and rejected by my dad, other authority figures, with friends (when we got into arguments/fights, etc.). It's the feeling we get when someone shuts us out of their minds, makes us feel unwelcome, shuts the door, and shuns us. An awful feeling, and then some. Back then, I didn't have the capacity to identify and express my feelings, so have used various ways to medicate and suppress my emotional angst over the years, including PMO later in life. I'm glad to have made this connection, as it will help increase my motivation for stepping away from PMO and continue on my path of emotional healing.
     
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  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Getting out of emotional pain was (I think) required for me to get to my current streak of 82 or so. Maybe try reading No More Mr. Nice Guy! or other self-improvement books to help catch up on your childhood and get to adult emotional coping. I think you should try writing your feelings down in a journal (or here, if you want). I think improving your life is one of the steps of quitting porn, including healing emotional pain.
     
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  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    How I feel in each instance is exactly the same, and I'll be doing my self a huge favor by moving completely away from PMO, and allowing my brain to do some healing. Thanks for checking in, Bobo:)
     
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks for your thoughts, nuclpow:) I'l check out No More Mr. Nice Guy!, as I've seen it recommended elsewhere on the board. I need to feel more and fap less:D (or not at all:))
     
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  8. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Doing some writing on my book, really struggling with the process, and have just unearthed some pretty intense feelings of shame as part of the process. If feelings are coming up, I must be doing something right. PMO is such a great short term solution to medicate these feelings. Need to stay on track with what I'm doing...
     
  9. axebattler

    axebattler Member Staff Member

    Okay, so there's some shame. What now? You don't want to internalise it and let it eat away at you. And you don't want to externalise it and attack other people (who don't deserve it. Some idiots might deserve a little assertiveness lol).

    And you certainly don't want to PMO. P multiplies shame.

    Good luck on your journey!
     
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  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Axebattler is right, NCBob. Shame happens to all of us. Well, almost all of us. I can think of some politicians who don't seem to have any. One in particular ;)
    The fact that we feel shame means we feel regret for things we have done. That's about as normal as it gets. But the fact that you are hear working on yourself is nothing to be ashamed of!
    Hang in there, brother. You're doing great.
     
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  11. axebattler

    axebattler Member Staff Member

    Unfortunately a lot of us end up with way too much shame through no fault of our own. So we have to remove things from our lives which increase shame - PMO, toxic people and so on.

    m.youtube.com/watch?v=Wa9xHbbSyCc
     
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  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, axebattler:)
     
  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Moz:) I've worked through a boatload of shame in the past, and just happened to unearth another hidden pocket as part of my writing. Nothing like the sweet surprise of unearthing an old rotten emotional egg, lol.
    I appreciate your support:D!
     
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I get a sense that most shame is handed off from generation to generation, rather than self-manufactured. There was a boatload of shame in my family growing up, and the person most responsible for generating it was my dad (he sexually abused my older sister, and was verbally abusive to my mom, and excessively controlling and verbally abusive to me). Not so coincidentally, I received a letter from my dad today which let me know that he still lacks the capacity to take ownership for the impact his abusive behaviors had on our family. He can acknowledge some of it, and is unable to apologize for any of it. Not that he doesn't feel sorry, he just can't say that he's sorry. His letter validated my decision to take a break from spending time with the family these past few months. In fact, I felt great clarity and peace in my heart after I read his letter. I don't need to spend time with him, as he is a toxic person to spend time with. And that's perfectly OK. He said in his letter that I can't change him, and he's right. I think I finally accepted that tonight.
     
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  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    NCBob, checking in. How's it going?
     
  16. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks for checking in, Moz:)
    I've been processing a ton of feelings of abandonment, and in particular, related to my dad. He's made it clear that he's not capable of taking ownership of the impact his abusive behaviors have had on anyone in our family, including myself. I've had a moment of clarity which allowed me to accept this, which has been tremendously freeing. He's still operating from a shame-based perspective, and that's not my issue to fix. Whether or not I ever see him again, I do not know, and am at peace with whatever happens going forward.
     
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    NCBob, your Dad's actions affected your life profoundly. Our parents can't help but affect us profoundly, since (if they are around) they are our world in our formative years. Whether or not he is ever able to truly own up to the damage he did, I think your decision to accept that his issues are not yours to fix is the best decision you can make. He's nearing the end of his life. If he has an epiphany, even if it's on his deathbed, then good for him. And maybe in some way that would be good for you, too. Maybe not. But you can't make it happen, and you shouldn't try. We aren't getting any younger, either. I think you're having your own epiphany, and as painful as it's been for you, I for one am glad you're liberating yourself from what has caused you so much grief for so long. You're a really great guy. I've enjoyed your friendship for these last 5+ years, as have so many of us here. You are breaking through to the other side, my friend.
     
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  18. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thank you for your kind words, Moz:) I've very much enjoyed our friendship as well, and look forward to moving through and beyond our velvet prisons with my fellow comrades, including yourself:D
    Today has been a good day, as I've felt much appreciation, joy, and gratitude for where I am in life:)
     
  19. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    You're continuing to learn from this experience - it's helping you understand more about yourself, even if it is emotionally difficult. What percentage of your book would you say is complete?
     
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  20. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I think that emotionally difficult experiences are always the most illuminating, forlorn:) Especially when we feel our feelings, rather than keep them buried and/or medicated. I'm pretty good at both sides of the equation, lol:cool:

    I'm guessing I'm 60-70 percent done. The current chapter is the most difficult one yet, which makes sense, since it is becoming the most illuminating chapter yet. I am in a state of awesome angst as I write it:(:)

    I have days where I don't look forward to writing, and days that I do (today is a 'do':) day). This book will be awesome when it is done, even if I'm the only one who thinks so:D Thanks for asking!
     

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