Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    All good and true, MSC:)
     
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  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    That would be great, Gil79:)
     
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  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    The further I dive into this process (32 years worth and counting), the more fucked up I realize my family, and in particular, my dad was/is, MSC.

    No one has been accountable and/or held him accountable for all the crap that went on, even when we got together as a family 30 years ago to confront my Dad about his abusive behaviors. With the boundaries I now have in place, I'm much more able to get in touch with feelings of hurt and sadness I've buried inside myself because of my upbringing. I'm also much clearer as to how my PMO rituals have been used to medicate feelings of grief and loss. I'm blown away as to how easy it is for me to transition from feeling extremely sad to feeling extremely sexual. The two feeling seem almost inseparable, and I wonder how much of this is related to the shit that went down in my family, and how young I was when it happened.

    Maybe at 63, I'm just now learning how to grieve in this area of my life.
     
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    A recording artist once told me that we record our first album so we can record our second. This way we don't get hung up on being perfect.
     
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I appreciate you trying to help out, Saville, and I'm also getting a sense you're trying to tell me how to write the book. Hmmm...
     
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    No, not at all. Just chiming in with thoughts. I know that it's easy to get hung up at the finish line and so really just my attempt at encouragement. I think you're doing very well, indeed!
     
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I also think you're doing great, NCBob! I'm sure it's exciting and nerve-wracking to be so close to finishing. When you're done, you should take a well deserved break.
     
  8. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Moz, even though you haven't read a word I've written, lol:)

    I'd say I'm about 60 percent there, and will only know whether or not this is true, when I'm done. I took the last 2 weeks off from writing, and trusted that somehow or another, I'd get some clarity in my stuck place.

    I sat down and began writing again today, and had a slightly different perspective from before. I was afraid of reading what I'd written so far, and thinking that I'd need to do a major re-write, because of all the emotional processing done the past couple of weeks. Or, even worse than that, of seeing what I'd written, and thinking I was completely off the mark and out to lunch.

    Thankfully, none of my fears were true. I really liked what I read (it really grounds me in my recovery and in my life, and is as if I'm reading someone else's book). I also have much better clarity as to where the chapter that I was stuck at needed to go. Some really interesting ideas just needed to be rearranged a bit (much like a puzzle), plus a few more ideas needed to be crafted.

    Saville had mentioned that this didn't need to be perfect, and yet it does. Not perfect in the way we normally expect. Perfect in the way of being true. This is my magnum-opus. If I approach it any differently, it will be a waste of my time.

    Given that there was so much distortion of reality in my family while growing up, not to mention more of the same as an adult, I'm having to put an exceptional amount of effort to get real while writing. Much the same as with other areas of our lives. The beauty of writing is that we can wash, rinse, and repeat the process over and over again until things finally get clear, and then get real.

    When I'm done, I'll do a major celebration, as this book is 20+ years in the making. If no one buys it, I'm good:) If millions of people buy it, I'm good and rich:D And if I'm good and rich, I'll bring you to the celebration:)

    Thanks for your support!
     
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  9. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    This last post of yours was a great read @NCBob. Sometimes I have the clarity you've expressed in this last post. It feels good. The last week has been less clear. I suppose it takes patience.
     
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  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)


    Thank you, MSC:)

    I think that clarity requires patience, persistence, timing, and luck:D

    Not always easy to lasso all of these variables together at the same time, for sure:)
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2019
  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I've been dealing with a major tooth ache the last few days, so much so that I've not had much sleep. I'm not one to take much, if any medication, and with this pain, it's been a steady diet of Advil. I just woke up from a much needed nap, and at least for the moment, pain free. I had a similar event with another tooth 5-6 years ago, and the dentist wanted to pull the tooth. I said no, and the tooth is still happily rooted in my mouth, for now. Will see if I can do the same with this tooth, or if I need to have a root canal/have it pulled, if the problems continue.

    Advil seems to heighten my clarity, so I'm going to spend a little time writing, to see if in fact that's the case.
     
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I'm outlining the two paths that I can choose from in this process - the PMO path, and the living path. Here's the PMO path. I feel exhausted just by reading it:)

    Path one: PMO


    Emotional triggers

    Urges to peek

    Act on urges to peek

    Peek

    Intense feelings of dopamine driven feelings of excitement

    More peeking, downloading, collecting, storing, and uploading

    More intense feelings of sexual arousal and excitement

    Edging as part of the process

    Expending hours and hours of time keeping myself riding this dopamine driven wave

    Use more peeking, searching, downloading, hording, and uploading to extend dopamine driven high.

    Begin to feel exhausted by length and intensity of rituals

    Then, either:

    Dive into one of my masturbation fantasies

    Or:

    Decide I need to step away from the fire

    If I dive into a masturbation fantasy, I:

    Have one or more partial orgasms

    Extend the process as long as possible

    Believe that I can somehow make all of my PMO rituals an integral part of my life, and believe that somehow all of this is a necessary part of my life

    Once I’ve had a complete orgasm, decide that I have no use for

    PMO and all of the porn I’ve collected

    Get rid of all of this porn

    End the cycle

    Find myself relieved that it is over

    Go to bed

    Wake up feeling exhausted, foggy headed, and lethargic

    Have some moments of clarity and energy as well

    Get some things accomplished

    Wash, rinse, and repeat

    If I don’t dive into a masturbation fantasy, I

    Go to bed

    Wake up feeling exhausted, foggy headed, and lethargic

    Have some moments of clarity and energy as well

    Get some things accomplished

    Wash, rinse, and repeat
     
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  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Wow, that truly is exhausting! My ritual is similar. I start on YouTube, tell myself I'll just stay there on tame stuff, actively search for P substitutes (of which there are plenty on YT), then move on to the hard core sites. A couple hours in, and I realize I've just wasted another chunk of my life and just O to get it over with.

    We sure deserve better than this, NCBob. And we are the only ones who can give ourselves the gift of stopping this once and for all.

    We've been here for years. We are getting old. This habit got old a long, long time ago. Let's outlive this habit!!!
     
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  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    That sounds like the plan, Moz:)
     
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    From a physical pain perspective, the last 5 days were some of the most painful I've ever had. I had an abscessed tooth that was wreaking havoc on the left side of my face, and I wasn't able to sleep at all the past 3 nights. I'd been resisting going to the dentist because (1), my last two dentists left something to be desired, (2) I was reluctant to spend the money on myself, and (3) I was hoping that my body would somehow heal itself. Pain is a powerful motivator. Got on the horn last night and this morning, and found a great dental practice where I had a root canal earlier today. Feeling MUCH better.

    For the past 4 years, I've had paying for my daughter's education as the number one priority on my financial to-do list (55k+) per year. For me, that's a lot of $$$$. I've been putting some of my own needs on the back burner, especially around dental care. I'm glad I stepped up to the plate for myself (finally) today:)
     
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  16. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    Was there any reluctance to see a dentist because you deserve the pain? I know that subconsciously I punish myself quite a bit. In fact, I wonder if part of my addiction to PMO is about feeling bad for myself. Just a passing thought. I know we're all different.
     
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  17. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks for asking the question, MSC:) I've thought about it a lot. Since I'm in the middle of writing a book, I've written some as well. Here's a paragraph taken out of context that speaks directly to it:

    "If I were to analyze my situation, it would be this. I was smack dab in the middle of ego, blaming the high costs of dental work, fuming with resentment over my less than satisfactory experiences with two prior dentists, and smoking on my pipedream of the tooth simply being able to heal itself on its own, as rational for doing nothing."
     
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, this. The lazy way out, and what I consistently do because working on a real solution is "too much work". Waiting for a problem to work itself out as a rationale for letting the problem continue is obviously never going to work.
    Good for you for recognizing this!
     
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  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Moz:) A part of me wants to use 'Disappearo Ink" on all my problems. Ever have that as a kid? Lol.
     
  20. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Finished another chapter in my book early last week. The most difficult chapter yet. After completing it, I had my first visceral sense that the book was actually "A BOOK". I was both surprised and delighted by that. Then came 4-5 days of nothing. My creative juices were on strike, and I went into groveling mode. I did a few things to help get myself grounded with writing over the weekend, and was pleasantly surprised that the direction the next chapter needed to go popped up in my head last night. Now I'm on it and excited with where this chapter will go.

    Sometimes I struggle with excitement, as I get overwhelmed and anxious in trying to get everything done all at once. That's happening right now. Slowing things down and being patient with the process is what I need to do. My addict says just give me a fix of dopamine, and you'll be good to go. I'm going to bed, and hoping that a good night's sleep will settle me down.
     
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