Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Powerful post, NCBob. Maybe the creative writing process, with its demand for introspection, has brought these fears and feelings to the surface. Yes, it's scary to face our demons, but you're doing it. And you will be stronger for it.
     
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  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Moz:)
     
  3. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    You nailed it on the head here. I resonate with the fear of pulling the plug, but also the fact that the more emotional I get, the less PMO urges I have.
     
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  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)


    Thanks, MSC:)

    You're right, it's in expressing how we feel that deflates our inner Frankenstein.

    The flip side is that monster will break any level of decency in order to escape itself. Escape is impossible. I need to stop feeding my creation...
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2019
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  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Just checking in...

    I'm feeling some intense feelings of sadness and abandonment right now. Listening to Everybody's Talkin', multiple covers, and really hitting a chord with some old, old emotional shit. Feels like I'm less than a year old... Growing up in my family was awful as a child. No way to sugar coat it right now. My dad was a monster, totally lost in his shit. I feel soooooooooo bad for the little guy inside me:(
     
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  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Writing a letter and then finishing your book has opened you up, my friend. The rawness in necessary to heal, though it is hell to feel it.

    You are a warrior!
     
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Saville:)

    I wish the book was finished:D:D:D:D

    I'm still grovelling in the process:( The past 2 days have been very tough.

    I just went for a run, and as usual, got some clarity in my stuck space. I wrote the rest of the book during the run.:D

    Unfortunately, I could only recall bits and pieces of superficial information by the time I got back to my desk - although, enough to point me in a good direction. That small still voice that we all have deep inside of us is brilliant - just hard to stay connected with. Getting better at it though.

    BTW, your reminders in your journal about PMO being a chemical addiction have been very helpful - thank you for your reminders!

    No matter how many wild and exotic variations of porn and sexual fantasy I can create, the truth remains. They are all merely shades of lipstick, and dopamine is still the pig:)
     
  8. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    I get this. I'm often writing in the shower, on the train, laying awake in bed, or even while cooking dinner. When I get to a journal or computer, half of it is missing. :( However, I am noticing recall is easier as I work through my issues around worth and shame. I would often berate myself for forgetting. Even some criticism in the use of a smiley in the previous sentence. Then, my mind is in its element of disgust, anger, and shame. Of course, I won't remember what I was working on. Now, I have some more compassion. I also try to congratulate myself for being in the moment while cooking dinner-- "I forgot what I was going to write about? Hmm. I guess I was enjoying myself when I was cooking. Good for me."

    I'm very excited that you're writing a book and enjoying yourself!
     
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  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, MSC:)

    I used to give myself a hard time/put pressure on myself for not remembering, and finally realized that was a useless way to apply my energy. Now when ideas slip my mind, I just let go, relax, and trust that they will circle back if they were important. And circle back they do, without any effort on my part:D

    And as you say, there's something great about being in the moment. Right now is all we have. It's when we're out of sync with the right now when our problems arise. Keep up your excellent efforts!
     
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  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Doing some writing on my book, and finding myself extremely frustrated and overwhelmed because I cannot wrap my head around my deeper thoughts and feelings. Part of the creative process, and yet a place it would be so much easier to numb out from rather than push forward through. Reminds me of when I was a kid, when I knew something was going on, and couldn't find the words to express it. This brings me to tears even as I type this...
     
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  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    In those kinds of situations it might help to do something physical. It helps giving things a place and order your thoughts.

    If I may ask, how are you looking back now on the letter you wrote to your dad and the conversation you had with him? It inspired me to write a letter to my dad, but along the way I get super angry and thnik he doesnt deserve this and I just want to cut ties.
     
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  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    NCBob, being frustrated and overwhelmed are two of the very common reasons humans look for comfort. The anxiety is tough to quell. PMO isn't the solution, as we well know. I like Gil's advice. Exercise is the best anxiety relief I know of. The creative process can certainly cause anxiety. I'm going through that right now. Let's use the healthy way of dealing with it, bud.
    I wish you luck on completing your project! Take whatever time you need. Don't feel rushed.
     
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  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)


    Good suggestion, Gil79:) Good runs always give me great clarity. As soon as I'm done here, I'm going there...

    Looking back on the letter and conversations I had with my dad, I'm feeling very positive about having done so. A couple of weeks ago I'd asked him to correspond to me via writing rather than via phone, so that I'd get a sense as to whether or not he was taking me seriously. I also wanted him to respond directly to my letter and our conversation. I got a letter from him yesterday, and appreciated where he was coming from. I also found myself getting very angry and frustrated as well after having read the letter, in that he was still so clueless as to how toxic his behaviors were to me and everyone else in the family.

    My healthy response is to process my feelings and communicate constructively to him in a letter, and I plan on doing that tonight. As long as he's willing to communicate back to me, it gives me more of an opportunity to work out my shit with him. And as long as I'm communicating with him, that gives him the same opportunity as well, if he so desires.

    Right now, I don't want to see him in person, and that feels right. I have moments of wanting to cut him completely out of my life, and those come and go. The boundaries I do have in place now have helped me see much more clearly how much of an asshole he was as a father, and have allowed me to feel some of the grief and sadness from my childhood that I would not otherwise be able to feel, if i was spending time with him. This is an interesting tightrope to walk....
     
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  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I'm sitting on more feelings of frustration and being overwhelmed, even as we speak, Moz:( In the middle of writing, feeling stuck, going in circles, putting pressure on myself, going in more circles, and feeling even more stuck. There's a book titled "Don't Push the River". Sage advice.

    Time to take a break and go for a run.:)
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's interesting to look at our mind when we have a task at hand. I ask myself the question now: am I forcing that task? Then, I go back and ask: am I forcing the thought about that task? The answer is usually yes. I have already begun forcing my thinking, which is like making a fist and then trying pick up a piece of paper.

    What writing I've done has often felt like going in circles. But, slowly the work gets done and we have something worthwhile. The key for me is to remember I'm not writing my magnum-opus. :)
     
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  16. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    I can resonate with this. It's at this thought about the thought that I try to do some breathing and scan my body to see what I am feeling. There's an emotion coming up for me, that is motivating me to do the task. Jumping up to thought is a level above the emotion. I'm avoiding my emotions by thinking, "am I forcing the task or thought?" This is a pattern of mine. So, I breath and try to focus on physical sensations and tap into the emotions again.

    It's difficult work. It doesn't happen all the time. Often, I get to the realization that I am avoiding some emotions and just turn that into anger at myself, which isn't helpful. My other strategies are doing creative, rewarding things. Running isn't my thing, but drawing, painting and art is.
     
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  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    "Don't Push the River". I like that. I got over my "designer's block" yesterday, and actually just started putting ideas down without worrying about how "valid" they were. It helped break the ice. Some of it was good, some not so good, but I'll take the good and rework the rest. That's the creative process in a nutshell, I think. There was a great interview today on NPR with Nicolas Giacobone (had to look it up), who is a screenwriter who talked about his struggles with writing. He said that if things flow too quickly, and the ideas just pop out effortlessly, it is probably not your best effort. I sort of agree with this, but some (not much) of my best work did actually happen that way. Most of it, however, was like giving birth to an elephant.

    Keep plugging away. You may never feel totally satisfied with the final product, which is normal, but the discomfort you're feeling is normal. Knowing that helps somehow...
     
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I really recognize this. Thanks for your answer. I hope you don't mind me asking you some more about this stuff at a certain point.
     
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  19. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    I feel like I have to learn this lesson every time! I go through a drought and then I sit down and free write and the doors open again.

    @NCBob - Like @Gil79 I empathize with you. My father has passed and I spent a brief amount of time wondering how to move on without him answering some questions that therapy has raised. However, I've started sitting with some of the grief I didn't allow myself to have as a child and things have gotten a bit better. As you say, feeling that "sadness and grief" was cathartic. For me, it's how I react and respond to the past. Even if I was lucky enough to have him here now, whatever answer he gave me, it would still be up to me to process. As I say this, I realize that I have bigger fish to fry with my mother and I have been avoiding that. I suppose I should look at what I just wrote. :rolleyes: In fact, re-reading what you wrote above, a lot of that fits with my mother. I have no desire to see her in person at the moment and sometimes wish not to talk to her ever again. I think I need better boundaries, like you have constructed, before I can handle it.
     
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  20. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    ah, but this is mine, Saville:)
     

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