Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Thank you for being you. When we think ours is a heavy burden we hear others and realize how blessed we are. Welcome back NC bob!
     
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  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Respect that you had the guts to do that and treat him with so much respect (call him dad and give love). It inspires me to face my dad too.
     
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  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Bobo:)
     
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    It was a long time coming, Gil79. It's easy to underestimate the negative impact our parents have had on us, simply because we were born into the dysfunction that was already there, and adapted to it as if it were normal. Amazing that it took me so long to confront him. Just as amazing, that no one else in my family could hold him accountable all these years. Mind-numbing. Thanks for checking in:)
     
  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    NCBob Welcome back,
    Thank you for sharing your letter to your dad. You were direct but you also expressed gratitude and love for him. I worry that my own son could write his own version of this, making some of the same points.
    Respect to you for sharing it with your dad.
     
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  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thank you, GH:)
     
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Doing some writing on my book right now, and being re-reminded as to how emotionally stunted I was growing up because of my family's dysfunction. Also being reminded that I have the stuff inside me, to get it all worked out. Its a long-assed road to walk, however:):(:)
     
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey bud, glad you're writing a book. You should glean some of your pearls from the years of great posts here!
    As for the long-assed walk, I hear ya, bro. Hope things are good for you.
    Thanks for nudging me back to the forum :cool:
     
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  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Loved the letter to your dad. I was reading it I thought you might consider writing one to yourself, your own eulogy so to speak. Who better to write our own eulogies than ourselves? I've done something similar and it rather startled me.
     
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Moz. I'll need to read through and see if something that I thought was worth saying is worth repeating:)

    Glad to have given you an assist to get back on the forum:D
     
  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Saville:)

    Good suggestion about the eulogy to myself. I've done that before and will do it again. It is an interesting process:)
     
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Continuing to write my book. The last chapter was the most difficult. Lots of writing, and eventually I realized I was going in circles and beating around the bush. Did a reset, and finally finished up the chapter last night. Frustration has been my most difficult emotion to contend with. On a core level, I see things clearly, and yet I have so much emotional debris in the way that prevents me from articulating it. Much like when I was younger. I knew things were fucked up around me, yet I was too fucked up to do anything of consequence about it. Sexualizing my feelings of frustration has been an easy road to travel, and if I'm to make real progress here, working through rather than dancing around my feelings of frustration is key. Staying focused today. Acknowledging, accepting, and lots of deep breathing...
     
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  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Working on my book, feeling frustrated at not being able to connect my thoughts as easily as I'd like, and noticing how tempting it would be to get a dopamine fix via PMO to numb out my angst. Deep breathing, checking in here, being patient with the process, and not forcing my thoughts are the healthier choices...
     
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  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is definitely part of the creative process. The connections are being made in your subconscious and will appear just when they're ready. This project of yours is so exciting! :)
     
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Saville:)

    I started this book 20 years ago, so a very SLOW sense of excitement:D

    So much of this process is about getting out of my own way, which of course, is the anti-christ of my MO, lol:)

    I'm planning to be finished by the end of October. We shall see!
     
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  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Wow, end of October, eh? Very exciting indeed!
    It took me a couple of reads to figure out that MO in the sense you use above is "modus operandi", and not the more familiar use around these parts :p
    Keep refraining from numbing your pain. I did that yesterday, and it was a mistake. As it always is.
    Great work, NCBob.
     
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  17. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    MO, lol:)

    Thanks, Moz:)

    We both know that numbing the pain is such an easy and effective short term solution to what ails us. The temptation is always there....

    I woke up at 2 am this morning and could not sleep. I decided to get on my computer and write. Much different than choices I've made in the past. My reward is that I might have finished a very difficult chapter that I started 2 weeks ago, and I feel energized by that:)

    Going back to bed now, as it's 5:30 am.

    Have a phone client at 9:30 am, so no need to look presentable when I start my work day. My alarm is set for 9:15 am:D
     
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Good on you!!! Thanks for the inspiration! Enjoy your sleep. it's 5:48 here in California, and I'm trying to get out the door soon...
     
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    My clock doesn't have 5:48 am on it, Moz:)
     
  20. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Just went out for a run, and was having moments of fear about the intensity and power of my PMO urges. Life is easy when I don't have to deal with them, and everything gets rocked when I do. It became clear when I was running that I don't feel grounded, whole, complete, and fully alive (I haven't felt this way for decades). For as long as I can remember, I've felt submerged under 'emotional' water - and buried underground. Almost reptilian in nature. So I started naming how I felt as I ran - I feel incomplete, I feel submerged, I feel reptilian, I feel evil, I feel broken, I feel inauthentic, I feel unreal, etc. An interesting exercise. I felt a little better after I was done.

    Right now, my brain feels like it is in somewhat of a vice-grip. I also just finished up the toughest chapter in my book, and just reread all of what I've written so far. Much to my surprise and delight, it was an excellent read:)

    The more willing I am to feel rather than act out, the better. My PMO monster is my Frankenstein, however. I need to remember that I made it, and that I can pull the plug as well. This still scares me...
     

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