Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, this is a blessing indeed, NCBob! Sorry that you're still feeling crappy, but there is that one bright side to it :) Get better, friend, and keep up the good work!
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    "Everyone likes their own brand, don't they?" Fat Bastard :D
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  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    A girl I once dated gave me a fart calendar. 12 months, 12 kinds of farts. My favorite was the 'Rambling Fadoooka' fart. Long and loud. I've had a few of those recently:)
    Saville likes this.
  4. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Wow, sorry to hear you and your family have had to go through such a traumatic thing.

    If I was in that situation I might be tempted to say something in a subtle way in order to feel closure, however I would avoid going into specifics in front of other family members.
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thank you, forlorn:)

    I can visualize that if I dumped everything out in front of all the friends and family members during a memorial service, we'd have the stuff of ages for a new movie or two:)

    Anyhow, I felt better just expressing this in my journal:D
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Despite a few ebbs and flows over the past few days, I'm still feeling uncomfortably backed up on the inside. I bought a bottle of the hard stuff last night (Phillips Milk of Magnesia - Mint flavored), and am tempted to indulge in it tonight before I go to bed if things don't move a little further. Stay tuned:)

    My sleep has remained restless and fitful, which has not been enjoyable. A couple of nights ago, I had an extremely vivid flying dream where I was floating over some amazingly exotic coastline. At a certain point in the dream, I looked below and there were monkeys on the ground. I floated down towards the ground, grabbed hands with a chimp, and lifted him up in the air and helped him swing from the vines. WTF:)

    At a couple of points during the same dream, I met several unbelievably sensual and beautiful nymphets in my journey. I was completely aroused (I can't believe how powerful the imagery my brain can create - or maybe it was the God Pornos paying a visit:)), and had to will myself away from having an orgasm in my sleep, which was very uncomfortable. Withdrawal dreams are not so fun:oops:

    In my waking hours, I've had a stretch where I've not been burdened by cravings for PMO. This has been quite liberating. I'm also leery of when that part of my brain is going to kick back into high gear, as I've struggled with a willingness to stay sober when that happens.

    In the meantime, despite feeling like crap (and not being able to crap) physically, I'm remaining highly motivated to move forward in my recovery:)
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  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I hear you. Today I was thinking about the chaser-effect, because that's what I felt all day after sex yesterday. I suddenly just thought of the compound word "chaser effect." I thought about what it meant. Well, it means that after sex you have the feeling that you want more. It's a phenomenon. Once I looked at it for what it was it began to lessen. I acknowledge the feeling and it dissipates. :)

    Wishing you a huge dump! :D
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  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    NCBob, I wanted to tell you that this post really moved me. All of it, though I'm just showing this one passage. My dad is not doing well, so I've been having similar conversations with myself about what to say when he passes. So many men, especially of their generation, don't quite know how to communicate their feelings, particularly with their family. I think the 2.5 out of 10 is pretty damn common! Anyway, thanks for sharing your story.

    Hope all is well, bud.
    NCBob likes this.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    How are your movements? ;)
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Not quite huge, more like a little at a time, Saville:)
  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I appreciate you letting me know, Moz:)

    I think we've inherited a legacy of emotionally unavailable men as our parents, mentors, and leaders, that continues unabated today. Just looking at our political leadership today makes me shudder. Rather than rely on them, we need to do it ourselves, Bro. Hence our journey here:)
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey, Saville, thanks for checking in, and checking in on how things are 'moving' along in my world:)

    It has been quite the week, and maybe that's an understatement.

    From a weaving on and off the healthy highway perspective, last Saturday night and part of Sunday, as well as this past Tuesday night and part of Wednesday, I veered ever so close to running over the guardrails of sobriety, and then last night I went full bore onto the PMO highway. At this point in my recovery, one and done is enough for me, so I'm back in the saddle today. If I'm counting, 2 full-blown PMO episodes in 2 months, so definitely progress. I shall continue onward:)

    This past week was quite stressful. My dog of 12.5 years stopped eating about 2 weeks ago. I tried all sorts of things to entice her to eat (different foods, textures, adding cheese, etc.) to no avail. She also was struggling with moving around, with her breathing, as well as losing weight. She'd been quite healthy at her last annual checkup (end of November), so this was a bit of a surprise. I took her to the vet last Monday, and he ran some more blood work and took X-Rays. He thought he saw fluid buildup in one of her lungs, saw an elevated white blood cell count, and although not 100 percent confident, diagnosed her with having pneumonia and prescribed a couple of antibiotics to take over a 2-week period of time.

    On my way home from the vet, I stopped by the pet store to get some specialized food that my dog might eat. I also picked up some chicken to see if that might be what the doctor ordered. Anyhow, my dog fought me tooth and nail over taking her medication - at first, refusing to eat any of a wide assortment of food with the medication hidden inside of it - and then, really resisting me as I tried to get her to swallow it by prying her mouth open and giving her a peanut butter surprise. It was really quite the ordeal. And as I was looking in her eyes as part of this process, she seemed to be signaling that she did not want to live.

    The vet said that it would be about 48 hours before she would show signs of improvement. By Wednesday, it looked like her walking had improved somewhat, and she managed to eat a little bit of chicken. With an eye on seeing improvement - a couple of signs, and yet her breathing was quite labored. Thursday was more of the same - and by Friday, she was still struggling with her breathing and having more difficulty moving. I really felt bad for her, and wasn't sure what to do. I'd called my vet and he hadn't returned my call. I called my ex to let her know what was happening, and she said she would come over on Saturday to discuss next steps. I texted my daughter at college Friday evening to let her know of how our dog was doing, and she immediately said she was going to drive home to see her dog.

    2 hours later she was here, and our dog was really struggling. After some discussion, she insisted that we have the dog put down to end her suffering. I was still of the mindset that she had pneumonia and there was a chance that the meds would kick in, and that tomorrow (Saturday), her mom/my ex would come over and we would decide what to do. My daughter became upset, went over to her mom's and let her know what was going on.

    The short of it was that they insisted that we put our dog down, so I did some research on options for a mobile vet and gave them the numbers to call. I just didn't want to put our dog down at this point in time. They found an emergency vet located 15 minutes away that was open 24/7, so I agreed to go this route. They came back over, our poor dog was really struggling with her breathing and energy, so I picked her up like a baby (40 lbs) and laid her in the back seat next of the car next to my daughter. On our drive over to the vet, I heard our dog pass gas, and thought to myself that she never does that. When we got to the vet, I opened the door to carry her in and realized that her sweet little soul had moved on. It was quite the emotional experience for all of us.

    In thinking of the timing of things, I'm amazed that our dog passed on to the next world with the three people who loved her the most with her. She knew it was the right time to go, and that she had her family with her.

    I've been crying quite a bit the past couple of days. Sad over the loss of a very sweet and loyal companion. Sad that she had to suffer till the end. Sad that it came on so suddenly. And sad for how all of this is affecting our daughter and my ex. I also did some research on the symptoms of cancer, congenital heart failure, pneumonia, and stages of dying for dogs. They are all very similar. I don't think she had pneumonia, and maybe heart failure and/or cancer was involved - and most certainly she was going through her last stages of dying this past week. I also feel sad for not recognizing this.

    In the middle of it all, I'm feeling very, very small. In that I have no idea and/or understanding of forces of life that bring living things into this world, and the forces that take our lives out of this world. What I do know is that our dog was very sweet, somewhat quirky, and very much loved. She was abused and neglected before we adapted her at a year old, and spent the next 11.5 years in a family that loved her.

    I often looked in her eyes to see if I could understand what she was thinking - what she was feeling - and what she wanted me to know. Especially the last two weeks. Now that I think about what happened, I'm realizing that what I saw in her eyes was the look of kindness. I think that was the core of who she was.

    Anyhow, I'm still very sad, and hope she's in a better place.

    And I'm still clueless about the big picture, and feeling very thankful that our sweet dog blessed us with her presence during her time here on earth.
  13. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    My heart goes out to you. I have been there most recently. Mine was a rescue that had been abused also. There is no easy way--- pets become part of the family. Yes--- makes you wonder how loving they are when they look at you. Thinking of you-----NCBob
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2019
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  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    NCBob, Bobo said it well. Losing a pet is a gut-wrenching experience. It's not fair that their life spans are so much shorter than ours. The unconditional love a dog gives is very special. I feel for you, bud.
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  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Big hugs! How wonderful that you had such a loyal and loving companion for so long.

    You did all the right things, bro'. Nothing to beat yourself up about or second guess. End of life is always tricky and we never have the answers. She was blessed to have you.
    NCBob likes this.
  16. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    My condolences. Allow yourself to grieve for her. It is the most difficult of decisions deciding to have a pet euthanised and she actually saved you from having to go through that experience. So, right up to the end, she was a good girl. Your house will seem so empty now but try and fill that emptiness with her memory.
    NCBob likes this.
  17. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    There will be times that the grief just grabs you. Most times you will remember her with love and sweetness. Its not an easy road. She chose to share her life and love with you and yours--- you have to be a special person they are never wrong.----never!
  18. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I appreciate this, Bobo:)
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    She was a good girl till the end, Caoimhin:) Thank you for sharing your thoughts...
  20. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Still sad that I was unaware that she was dying instead of thinking that recovery was around the corner, Saville. Also trusting that the way she left us was exactly as it needed to be. Thanks for checking in:)

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