Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    The cold is slowly dying, and the fighter still remains, Saville:D

    Have a most fulfilling 2019!!!
  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Just noticing how my addict brain so quickly goes into high alert to act out when something good/positive happens in my world. I'm needing to breath deeply to help me stay grounded rather than take flight with my insane pleasure seeking thinking. Just breath and enjoy the moment, rather than run away from the moment...
  3. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    When we stay clean we think we deserve something---- here comes the lizard brain---- it never sleeps never backs off. Something positive is never enough in itself we have trained ourselves we should get more. It gets better keep up the good work.
    NCBob likes this.
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    So true, Bobo. The joy is in the living, rather than for rewarding ourselves for being in the living:)

  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Good to see you active on the forum. There is a change in your tone. Healing is taking place as I type this. Well done!
    NCBob likes this.
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Saville:)

    If there's a direct correlation between my healing and your typing, type away:D
    Boxer17 and Saville like this.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, my typing is now attached directly to the matrix. I now control all things PMO! :D
    NCBob and Boxer17 like this.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    So, what's going on?
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yeah, how's it going, dude?
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    How about all things NON-PMO:)
  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Glad to have you checking in on me, Saville:) I've been feeling awful, which has one upside, in that I've had no interest in going the PMO route. My desire to stay off the PMO freeway remains strong. If I count correctly, 1 PMO over the past 6 weeks. Slow progress...
    Saville likes this.
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Other than feeling like crap for the past 5 days, doing well, Moz. My mindset is good right now for staying away from PMO, and I am thankful for that:)

    I'm glad to see you back on the forum, bro:D
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Being sick sucks! Hope you are on the mend. You're doing great, though. Seems like PMO is falling away from your life...cool! :)
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    True, and thanks for the well-wishes, Saville:)

    I'm definitely at a different place with PMO and still in a place where I'm still needing to be vigilant towards sobriety. I've had too many instances where my reptilian brain's craving for unhealthy sexual release has suddenly burst through the woodwork and led me full sprint onto the PMO highway :( It is the most powerful energy I've ever had to deal with. Learning to harness it in healthy directions will be the stuff of ages:)
    Saville likes this.
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    During the 3 weeks leading up to Christmas, I was on a serious food bender. I was eating so much, and so much crap. Chocolate, home baked cookies, raw cookie dough, potato chips, chocolate chips, peanut butter chips, ice cream...anything and everything that had nothing to do with healthy eating. I typically eat fairly healthily, so it makes sense that my insides rebelled. Lack of fiber is a killer. I gained about 10 pounds, and my bowels simply stopped moving. I spent a week in some serious pain, changed my diet, and took some stuff to help move things along. Eventually, my plumbing began to work somewhat, but not quite normally. Last week, I went a few days of not eating particularly healthily, and things clogged up again. Argghhhh:( Which means that for the past 5 days, I've been in some serious pain with some seriously sleepless nights. I've taken a couple of things to help my plumbing start moving along (with some success), and went grocery shopping a few days ago and came home with the most fiber rich assortment of edibles ever. So the past three days my food intake has been exceptionally healthy. As I sit here now, despite some movement, my insides still feel out of sorts. Clearly some more stuff to work out:)

    Anyhow, I'm a firm believer that our bodies simply reflect what's going on with our mental/emotional states. If my body is constipated, it's highly likely that I'm stuck in at least one other area of my life. The low hanging fruit is with my PMO shit. I've been circling the same block for countless years, and with each new lap around the same old neighborhood, the journey gets a little more unsightly, unseemly, and unfulfilling. It's crazy what we do to squeeze just a little more dopamine out of our brains.

    An addiction is a disease for sure, and as my sponsor says, a disease of choices.

    Slowly and surely I've also been making choices that have interrupted my self-inflicted death spiral, and I'm most appreciative of that. My mindset is slowly changing, in that I now see the path of PMO as a never-ending cycle of self-abuse, which seeks to use unbridled pleasure as a means to heal unresolved feelings of abuse, neglect, abandonment, fear, guilt, and shame, etc. And although this is common knowledge to folks in recovery, I'm glad that I'm gaining clarity for myself. It's helping me to see a bit more easily that I do not WANT to go down that path again.

    I'm sure I mentioned this fact earlier in my journal that my dad was sexually abusing my older sister at about the time I was born, and that it continued for a number of years after. I have no cognitive recollection of this, and yet internalized a tremendous amount of shame as a result of this and other dysfunctional family dynamics over the years. I'm fortunate to have worked through much of this shame, which has been a blessing, to say the least. It would also be fair to say that my PMO adventures have been highly therapeutic towards resolving much of the shame attached to the expression of my sexuality.

    An area which I have struggled considerably the past couple of years is during those times when I have felt sad, abandoned, unworthy, inept, and incapable. Quite often, I have felt my sexual energy emerge out of the blue while I'm in this place, and I've given in to this energy as a means to soothe and medicate the angst I've been in. I'm curious as to the relationship between this and what I was exposed to as an infant, toddler, and youngster - and my dad's behaviors.

    I talked with an old girlfriend a couple of years ago, and she was discussing the impact of her ex-husbands sex/porn addiction on her and her family. She described it as the havoc and destruction wreaked by a slow moving F-5 tornado.

    The more I reflect on my childhood, the more I see my dad's behaviors as having the exact same effect. He was a slow-moving F-5 tornado for sure - only we didn't see it coming, and had no idea it was happening, until long after the aftermath.

    My dad is still alive, and we have much better relationship now. As far as him coming to terms with and making amends for the all havoc he wreaked in our family, I'd give him about a 2.5 in his efforts on a 1-10 scale. Most of the work has been done by his kids, and I probably have done more than my fair share.

    I occasionally fantasize about what might happen once my dad moves on from this life. What will be said and who will be saying it at his memorial and funeral. And if I'm asked to speak, what I might say. If I am asked to speak by family, I imagine myself asking other family members, 'Do you mind if I speak to the good, the bad, and the ugly about my dad? And in particular, the importance of telling the whole of it, so that we can heal from it, rather than hide from it?'' I'm not sure this would go over very well with them:)

    Anyhow, back to my constipation issues. They are slowing me down, and giving me another opportunity to get a load of myself, and hopefully, get a load out of myself. There have been many times the past 5 days where I have not been able to differentiate the pain I'm experiencing from the person who I am.

    Like all the stuff backed up inside me, this too shall pass:)
    Caoimhín likes this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think this is true. Our mental state has a lot to do with how we feel physically.

    Wow, this is great! :)

    I'm surprised you have any relationship with him. Not judging, but sexually assaulting one's daughter sounds pretty heavy. Makes sense that you would take on the shame that your dad should've felt. Nice Guys, men with an overly developed sense of taking responsibility, tend to take on the guilt and shame of others, as a way to make everything "better."

    Incredible post, NCBob!
  17. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I think that my mom, my older sister, and myself have leaned in that direction, Saville. My younger sister, not so much....

    As always, thank you for your thoughts!
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Is she healthier in her outlook, do you think?
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Not by a longshot:)
  20. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Had another difficult night last night - my insides were still bound up and created continued discomfort - but not the pain I experienced the previous 4/5 nights. Sleep was not good - although every now and again I'd be surprised by waking up after a short period of deep sleep. Today, things started to move on the inside to the outside, and I felt some relief as I sat on the can several times and lost a little weight. Yes, this too shall pass:) Some nasty gas as well:D

    I had a great day with clients, which was doubly enjoyable because I felt better and had much more energy in my being. Still having a no interest in PMO mindset, and both thankful and somewhat surprised (as in where the hell has this come from) by how I'm feeling/thinking about it. Anyhow, I will take it and appreciate it. Off to bed early tonight to catch up on a week's work of crappy sleep courtesy of an inability to crap:)
    Boxer17 and Saville like this.

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