Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Sup, my man?
  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Having one of those moments where I'm recogizing that my life is perfect, including the good, the bad, and the ugly...

  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Nothing like some kool sax to reorient life. :cool: Now I've got my smile going on. It's kind of crooked (I've been told my smile looks like someone who's just done something illegal :() but it's all mine. :D
    NCBob likes this.
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    NCBob, I hope this finds you enjoying a vacation - away from PMO, that is :D
    The good, the bad and the ugly. Funny, I just watched a video yesterday where a guitarist explained why he thought spaghetti western music is so cool. Something about that twangy, reverb soaked surf sound, mixed with Old West mythology, is the ultimate cool.
    Anyway, I always enjoy your optimism. I usually don't think of the uglier side of me as being part of perfection, but if it helps motivate me to do what I need to do, then I guess maybe it is!
    Last edited: May 28, 2018
    NCBob likes this.
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Saville, always good to have you check in with your crooked smile:confused:

    I apologize for being slow to respond. With journalling on YBOP recently, I've been like the kid at the proverbial swimming pool. I keep stepping up to the edge - and then thinking that the water looks too cold to jump in - and backing away again. I've been avoiding the initial discomfort of diving in, which of course, keeps me completely out of the flow of things inside the pool. There is no 'right' time to dive into the pool:)

    Not much has changed with my patterns/rituals around my use of porn. I'm getting sucked in for a day or two, then stepping back out to get myself on solid ground for a period of time. My challenge continues to be to step away from the computer when my urges kick into high gear. Sometimes I'm successsful, more often than not, I choose to follow my urges. Yesterday evening, I decided to take a nap when my urges appeared, and that was a good choice. The more often I do this, the better...

    In the bigger picture, my life is going very well - my relationship with my daughter has improved - she is initiating spending time with me, and I'm very appreciative of that. I absolutely love the fact that she effortlessly shares what's going on in her world with me. I also love the fact that I'm completely open to whatever she says, and have no 'critical' parent on board to mute the conversation.

    My business is going exceptionally well, as I continue to love what I do, and am now generating more than enough revenue to live comfortably, pay my bills and save some on the side.

    My guitar playing is improving - VERY slowly - and - it is improving. A musical savant I am not....

    My big focus going forward is to continue to focus my energy in different directions when my sexual urges arise. I cannot believe how strong these urges can be - and yet again, I can. I have quite a bit of creative energy inside my being - some of it harnessed and focused, and some of it not. Harnessing my sexual energy constructively would do wonders for other areas of my life - and in particular - with my business, writing, and musical endevours.

    I'm out of town for a training with a business client next week. It's a powerful training that takes quite a bit of energy to facilitate.

    My goal through the weekend is to stay focused on investing my energy constructively. It will be worth it come next week:)
    Squire and Saville like this.
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Moz, good to have you back on the board. Always a pleasure to have you ride in on your horse, hop off the saddle, and say hello:)

    I'm learning that in the big picture, everything IS for the good. Having to stretch some in my thinking tho, to accomodate this truth:D
    Squire likes this.
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I'm about to go out of town for a training this week, and happy to say that I've been able to stay on track and away from my shit. Had a few moments of intense yearning yesterday, and was willing to redirect my energy in positive directions. My PMO machine still feels alive and kicking, so will need to remain focused and vigilant this week while I'm away. I've had some moments of joy and clarity today, and I'm sure this is a function of staying clean and sober. Those moments feel wonderful:)
    Squire and Saville like this.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Awesome, my friend. :)
    NCBob and Squire like this.
  9. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    Hey I just wanted to stop by to say congratulations on your business and relationship with your daughter going well. It sounds like you have a lot of positive things in your life and it's refreshing to hear a story like that. Blessings to you.
    NCBob likes this.
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Saville:)
  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Squire, I appreciate that:)
    Squire likes this.
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    It's been a while since I've checked in. No major changes with my PMO challenges. Getting lost in the weeds, getting out of the weeds, getting focused and on track, getting lost in the weeds, getting out of the weeds, and so on. I'm certainly more conflicted when I go the PMO route, and I see that as a positive sign. It is no longer unbridled pleasure...

    Things in other areas of my life are going well. Business is good, my relationship with my daughter continues to grow, exercising, eating well, continuing to learn/play guitar, appreciating the small things in life, feeling more connected with the spiritual side of things, and generally feeling good about life:)

    Going up north for a 10 day vacation tomorrow, and that will keep me in the health zone while I'm away.

    Still want to get completely on the other side of the PMO challenge, and will persist until I no longer need to resist....
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    And, you will. Have an awesome trip north, NCBob.
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Slow to respond, and thanks, Saville:) I had a very good time in the north country...
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I've been reading the online journals, and doing my writing in my personal journal, and wanted to check in online as well.

    I continue to go back and forth with stepping away and stepping into my PMO rituals. When I'm in it, I'm totally consumed, and when I'm not, I'm requiring some effort and focus to stay on track. The three questions on my plate:
    1. Do I want to stop? (since I've started this process, I've felt a 50-50 split)
    2. Am I able to stop?
    3. Is it possible to stop?
    No definitive answer as of yet...

    One positive note is that I feel much less shame/guilt around my sexuality.

    I grew up in a family where my dad was sexually abusing my oldest sister (I imagine this was going on from day one of my life), and this has affected me in many more ways and on much deeper levels than I've been able to wrap my head around. Slowly working through it, and I believe that there has been some therapeutic value to my PMO adventures. And of course, much of my PMO has been a well-oiled machine to escape what I don't want to face or feel.

    When I step away from the PMO highway for even a couple of days, it always becomes clear that the life I've created in sobriety is a really, really good life. I still have some major challenges and triggers, and still, my opportunities far outweigh anything else ugly, ornery, and threatening that sits on the landscape.

    Whether I'm fooling myself or whether I'm on target, I still have an integral part of me that wants to move beyond the PMO gerbil wheel.

    Recently, when I've had urges to venture back on the wheel, I've been asking myself: How will I feel when I'm done? What will I have accomplished when I'm done? What opportunities will I have missed when I'm done? In what ways will I have taken care of the immediate needs and demands of my business and my life when I'm done? In what ways will I have worked on my long-term dreams and visions when I am done? Who will I have loved when I am done?

    If I take the time to answer these questions honestly, it's easy to say that I'm done:)

    Here's to taking the time to asking and answering those questions going forward...
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2018
    Mozenjo, dig deep and Saville like this.
  16. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    Great post it seems like your retaking your self back over the demon addict
  17. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Yup certainly seems like you are in the driver's seat.
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    NCBob, only you can answer your 3 questions, but after reading your posts for so long, may I offer the following personal opinion?

    1. Yes, you DO want to stop. The 50% that doesn't want to is your lizard brain bargaining with you and promising instant gratification. It's a part of you, yes. We all have our base urges that make up our lower level selves. It can be argued that our higher selves are our soul, though. They're what make up who we really are.
    2. Yes, you are able to stop. But you have to get past #1 before that's possible. Acknowledge that part of you will always want to give up and convince yourself that porn is where it's at. But where has it gotten us? It's as empty as it can be. Junk food that deteriorates our souls.
    3. Yes, of course it is possible to stop. See #1 and #2.

    Those are my opinions. I'm not preaching, believe me. If so, it's more like I'm preaching to my own inner choir :)
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, dig deep:) It's a process of fits and starts, which surely beats shits and farts:D
    dig deep likes this.
  20. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Bobo:) I am certainly that, if I choose not to see myself as a victim of all of this...

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