Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, Caoimhín

    It's likely the only solution that works :)

    I've had many ups and downs financially through the years, with the last down being the recession of 2008-2009. I've teetered on the bring of bankruptcy for several years, but have managed to keep things afloat without having to file.

    My porn use really started to accelerate during this time, and has become such an easy fix to the dread/angst I feel when I start to look at my financial situation. The problem is that I need this creative energy to build my business/generate the income to float my financial boat, and instead, the porn is draining so much of my creative energy, and creating this awful Catch-22.

    On a core level, I still struggle with the belief that I'm not enough. That is a feeling that really sucks.

    The flip side is I believe I have the potential to be more than enough. With my business, as a father, as a partner, and with life.

    But I have been really struggling with committing to my potential. The porn seems so much easier to dive into.

    Immediate gratification is what my brain craves.

    I need to find a way to remain open to what my soul desires...

    Happy Father's Day to all the Dads out there :)
  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Feeling stuck, overwhelmed, and having a difficult time having much hope for the future right now. One of those times where the challenges of my life seem exceptionally big, and my ability to navigate through them seems exceptionally small.

    I've got a boatload of financial obligations, and what feels like at the moment like a sinking/rudderless ship.

    Not liking this at all...
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    NCB, your story really resonates with me. I'm on this journey right there with you. Was sorely tempted tonight to medicate, and luckily clicked onto this place instead of an online dating site, where "tame" pictures of women abound. That usually doesn't go anywhere, but I'm in that state where I know it could easily lead to the old routine. When I'm done with this post, I'm turning this thing off.

    Hang in there. Just know that porn will only pull you down, it will never allow you to climb out of whatever hole you feel you are in. Right now I'm thinking of how I felt after each session: like shit. If you're like me, the initial rush of viewing pics wears off really quickly, followed by incessant "seeking" that finally leads to "just get it out of the fucking way!". Wow, all the things we could be doing instead of that miserable exercise in futility...

    Just keep moving forward. That point of critical mass is out there; from what I've read from some of the "elders" who have gotten past the early hurdles, it's kind of like breaking through the sound barrier. Much smoother sailing after that. You can never fall asleep at the helm, but it's still easier.
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks for the positive thoughts, Mozenjo :)

    Yep, the porn is like quicksand - and never loosens it's grip when I step into it.

    You're analogy of getting through the early hurdles being the equivalent of breaking the sound barrier makes sense. Too often, I bail out too early. The good news is that I get up and try it again. At the moment, I appear to be standing :)

    Years ago I started writing a couple of books. I got derailed by the stressors of nearly going bankrupt with my business, and then the PMO really crept into my world.

    I just read through some of what I'd written (it's been years since I've looked at it), and what I've written is really, really good. Scary good, for that matter. Scary in the sense that if I took the time to finish it, it would change my life and others in some really powerful ways. The other side of the scary coin is that my addiction has the potential to make all that work go for naught. Very scary.

    At this point, I really struggle with the fear, shame, and potential consequences of my addiction, to the point that it holds me back from really trying to take flight with the gifts that I've been given, as well as all the hard work I have completed to get to this point in my life. I'm afraid that my addictive behaviors and possible consequences of my addictive behaviors have the power to shoot me down in mid-flight. So rather than take flight to complete my dreams, I'm hanging around in the hanger basement jerking off.

    This is such a tough place to to be in.

    Looking for the courage, strength, and support to take flight in the light...
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I was feeling anxious, unsettled, and just plain not grounded, and decided to go out for a run. Feel much more settled now. While not nearly as exciting, endorphins are much more soothing than dopamine...
  6. ravensrock

    ravensrock New Member

    Glad to see that you're still plugging away at this NCB. Thankfully I haven't had the kind of financial struggles you talk about but I sure can relate to that core feeling of not being good enough and letting fear keep you from reaching your potential. And this porn addiction just adds to the shame. This journey has been like a roller coaster for me so far. Periods of focus and confidence only to be followed by strong urges that draw me back to the pit. It annoys me that a part of me still likes it in a way. I have moments where I hate the hold it has on me and in those moments I'm motivated to abstain. It's those other times that get me in trouble. As I've heard on here from several people, I guess the key is to just not give up. Keep pluggin' NCB!
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    NCB, I think you should absolutely finish your books! You've got a gift, and if you hone your chops by continuing to write (hey, posting here is good practice, too) you will undoubtedly reap some major benefits from the experience. I've sure been getting a lot out of writing here daily. I would say, don't worry about the time you've already wasted, which is admittedly much easier said than done, but the past is the past. A week ago I stumbled and it really felt bad to have to start my counter again, but my ambivalence about this whole counter thing is fading, and I'm resolved to using it as the tool it's meant to be; to help stay on track!

    RR, I know what you mean about being annoyed with still "liking" it. Our addiction is especially insidious because it feeds off one of our core urges. The problem is it's been twisted so much by the purveyors of our drug that we have gotten ourselves into deep trouble by thinking it's normal. If it was normal, none of us would be here.

    We have to find a reliable way of shutting down the lure of the rush. Lately, there's an alarm that sort of goes off whenever my brain shifts into dopamine rush mode by seeing or thinking of images. It is an uncomfortable experience for me now. I see it as a good sign that there is more pain associated with this habit than pleasure. You are absolutely right that an endorphin rush is way more satisfying than the dope, NCB.

    This is hard work, but it's worth every bit of the effort. Keep it going :)
  8. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks for the kind words, Mozenjo :)

    One of the biggest challenges of having a gift is being "present" to open it - something of which I have been really struggling with.

    The past 2 weeks have been exhausting - in the sense that I have been working hard, accomplishing some really good things, and then trying to self-soothe my well-deserved feelings of tiredness by getting on the computer, edging all too frequently, and PMO'ing the end of this past week.

    There is a part of me that really fights my urge/need to get a really deep and well deserved nights sleep. It's almost like my brain doesn't believe that I will/can be happy and fulfilled, if I sleep on it.

    The flip side is that I know that being able to sleep, meditate, relax, and unwind is critical to connecting with my higher self.

    I'm just not very willing at the moment to do that....

    It"s really a challenge for me to sit down and write in my journal when I'm in my addictive haze. No surprise for sure, and really, really difficult.

    I've have been able to be constructive in my actions today - doing some work for my business, catching up with emails, writing here. I can sense a spark of hope in all of this, and also understand that I'm still very vulnerable to wandering down the same old wormhole.

    This is very much a disease of choice, and I'm struggling with my choices. The challenge for me is to move towards making choices which delay my gratification. Given both the short and long term challenges I face, and especially around finances, I'm too easily giving in to my instant gratification urges. At least for now, it's like a part of me has given up.

    The flip side is that if I'm willing to do the work, it will work.

  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    ravensrock, thanks for the support :)

    Yep, I'm still plugging way, and feel like I'm getting plugged, on the way :)

    It is definitely a love - exhausted relationship for me (hate is not the right word :)) I need to keep at it, until I get to that critical mass that keeps me believing that I can do it, as well as has me feeling that it is well worth doing it.
  10. sdlekr

    sdlekr Free

  11. sdlekr

    sdlekr Free

    P.S. I now see by your profile that you and I share near the same amount of time on here, so forgive my addressing you as a newcomer.
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks for checking in with your thoughts, 651. There's obviously a lot of contributing factors to this addiction - and no easy thing to work through. As you say, lots of ups and downs (Confucius say, may all your ups and downs in life be between the sheets, lol :) ), and plenty of learning to be had along the way. Not sure if I like learning this way, however :)
  13. tonym

    tonym Member

    Thanks for sharing NCB. It makes a different to post and stay active on this site. We have a lot in common and it is a struggle to break this addiction. As they say, one day at a time !
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks for the positive thoughts, tonym :)

    Keeping it a day at a time works a lot better than straining to have this entire thing worked out all at once, although my brain would think otherwise...

    Yes, posting here does make a difference, no question about it. Just getting on the site and posting yesterday helped me give me the clarity needed to make some healthy choices, after a run on unhealthy choices this past week. Got some brain sludge going on right now that I'll need to take care of by going out for a run shortly. Love those endorphines :)

    Just got back from running - definitely got my blood and mind flowing. Had an interesting train of thought...

    A part of me absolutely loves every aspect of PMO. In order to get this worked out, I've got to give up something I love, for something that loves me...
  15. Hi NCB

    just noticed its a few days now since you posted on your journal, hope all is good and lets make this month a healthy one.
  16. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks for the gentle nudge to post, Jacknotso young.

    My biggest stressor continues to be my finances. I have rent for my apartment due today, and my mortgage due on the 15th. There is some money coming in, but it is not here yet. I also have some opportunities to generate a significant amount of revenue thru my business later in the month, and it is not guaranteed. So I get overwhelmed with uncertainty/anxiety, and medicate thru downloading, pack-ratting, and edging. It's the usual Catch-22, where pleasure is the short-term solution, and hopelessness is the longer term cost.

    In the middle of this, I've been making efforts towards recovery as well. I was able to be completely focused on this yesterday, got a good night's sleep last night, and starting the day in a positive direction today.

    Every now and again, I'm experiencing a sense of peace and serenity that let me know everything is working out, regardless of how it seems on the outside. This is a bit different than what I've experienced in the past.

    My goal today is to make it a productive day. I hope yours is as well :)
  17. tonym

    tonym Member

    Financial stress is a bitch. My business has been in the crapper for the last 8 months. Rather than dealing with it I buried myself deeper into porn. Binging and excessive PMO was a great diversion. Thankfully it led me to YBOP and this site. Dealing with both issues at the same time is tough, but needs to be done. What choice do I have? That is why I am reading posts and not burying myself on some porn site. Now its time for me to deal with work and stay focused. Make it a good one all!
  18. Hey NCB / Tony

    I totally understand how hard it is for you guys, I do not have any financial worries and family life is good so I maybe do not have the same need to look for "medication" as such.

    What I do know is that the fear of how I would feel if I slip, is enough to keep me on the straight path at the moment. I pray that this will always be the case.

    Keep posting and reading on here and stay healthy and strong.
  19. ravensrock

    ravensrock New Member

    Your last statement hits home NCB. A part of me loves PMO as well and don't like the idea of giving it up despite all the crap it's caused. I'm not quite sure I follow your last sentence though. It's intriguing to me. Can you expand on what you mean?
  20. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    It sure can be, tonym :)

    I've had numerous financial peaks and valleys throughout my entire adult life - and some of the valleys have been excruciatingly painful. Right now, rather than the stress being excruciating, it's just chronically wearing and mentally exhausting. At the moment, with no money in the bank, and my car breaking down yesterday and now in the shop, my urges to porn out are coming fast and furious. At the moment, I'm able to stay focused, but my oh my, I've been getting lost in the weeds way too often and for too long a period of time lately.

    I now can understand what OCD is about, when i find myself in that place where I can never get enough porn, and keep on, keeping on. Last night I was in that place, and could feel the searing pain and intolerable/insatiable longing for more porn. My addict felt like I would die without it.

    So I went out for a run, and quick as a bunny, all that passed. Simply amazing that I can feel so enslaved one moment, and free the next.

    That being said, I am really struggling...

    Thanks for the kind words, Jacknotso young :)

    ravensrock, glad that you can relate :)

    My comment
    is about letting go of my best (re: dysfunctional) way to love (re: medicate) myself so that I can allow my higher self, soul, spirit, God, and/or Goddess within to love me. I believe that life gives us enough rope to hang ourselves, so that our experiences will make us open to new ways of being/doing. One might say that I am currently well hung, no pun intended :)

    I still struggle mightily with this. Letting go, and letting God (whatever that might be) seems to be the hardest part.

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