Looking for love in all the wrong places...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by NCBob, May 6, 2014.

  1. Sidd

    Sidd Guest

    Hi NCB,
    just read your journal. Familiar story. Could be me talking. Different facts but same theme. You strike me as a guy who understands himself and as someone who has the persistence to see things through. Good qualities. The question is what do you want and which you is you. I don't want porn; I do want porn. It's the Jekyll and Hyde thing. We all have it. For me and this is very personal thing I have accepted that they are both a part of me. This is not for everyone and some guys with good reason hate Mr Hyde / the Beast and want to kick the living shit out of him. For me it is about deploying your forces at the right time and in the right place. Mr Hyde is shit at being patient, caring about anyone but himself , and hates being thwarted when he wants something. A bit like a 4 year old. However in a tight spot he can do a job for you. If you are those that you love are in danger he is the guy that will kick ass and save your ass. However YOU are the King of your castle and you decide when to use all the different parts of your character. He thinks that we are all pussies etc fot wanting to wait, think about others but he should not be in charge. You, me and probably most other guys here have handed control of the Kingdom to a 4 year old giant and he is tearing the place up. So it's about regaining control, making adult decisions and not letting the 4 year old drive the car. Eventually he will take everyone over the cliff. Hope this helps. Stay strong, be kind to yourself and stay the course.
  2. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    You've got that exactly right, Sidd :) And I appreciate the way you said it...
  3. ravensrock

    ravensrock New Member

    Hi NCB- Sounds like a good plan. I'd watch the edging. For me if I start that it's just a matter of time until a full blown PMO session. And I seem to remember reading on YBOP that it can be worse for you than MO with the constant flood of dopamine.
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    agreed, ravensrock :)

    I was able to get about 2/3 of the list done, replaced the meeting with a good nap, and stayed in a recovery mode all day...

    On so many levels I feel overwhelmed with tasks to do, bills to pay, money to earn, family challenges - and this is the prime place for me to just throw in the towel and indulge in PMO.

    So my game plan today is to take care of business, pay some bills, go to a counseling session, tend to a daughter who is sick, take the dog for a walk, and get a run in, - as well as not worry about the future, and what it may or may not bring...
  5. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I’m struggling with being proactive with just about everything in my life. If I’m to have the kind of life that I’ve dreamt of, I need to be move from being reactive to proactive – and have faith in the process…

    This is the only way that it will work.

    My getting lost in porn is just a function of seeking pleasure in the midst of a reactive death-spiral. I’ve been in this place so long, it seems like the only game in town. And I have plenty of crappy emotions to fuel it.

    I want and need to have the courage to be proactive – this is where I will find joy, happiness, love, freedom, and peace of mind.

    Being a slave to porn is not the solution….
  6. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I'm feeling like such victim this morning. Feeling angry, overwhelmed, small, depressed, insecure...and the world around me seems much bigger than me. If my source is all-loving and all powerful, my brain feels the exact opposite - although I would say there is a tremendous amount of energy wrapped up in my negative emotions. I need to be proactive today - and a couple of important items on my proactive list include:
    - following up on 2 business proposals, and taking advantage of this being the right time for one proposal to be accepted and executed
    - paying some bills that have been sitting around
    - calling my sponsor
    - writing in my journal
    - doing a random act of loving kindness at some point during the day
    - paying attention to my breathing, and taking the time to breath deeply
    - creating a to-do list with tasks prioritized
    - taking care of myself lovingly in this emotional state rather than using porn to medicate
  7. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    need to vent...

    If i look at a glass, it's half-full. My ex looks at the same glass, it's half empty. My 16 year old daughter - she looks at it and remembers that 4 years ago, the glass was empty.

    Probably typical of a 16 year old - but - it annoys the hell out of me. I have done so many nice/loving things for her through the years - and the only thing she holds on to are her resentments....


    OK :)
  8. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    feeling in a bit of a funk right now - my brain is foggy, feeling a bit depressed, closed in, energy level and motivation are low. My ex is out of town for the week, and I'm parenting my 16 year old daughter. She's doing nothing to contribute to any positive energy right now - as I imagine most 16 year old's don't. I offered to take her out for breakfast and/or go to the gym this morning, but a mumbled no was all I got. So, I need to do whatever it is to move my energy and mindset into a productive space, and let her hang in her own funk. One thing I've already done is leave the house and come over to my place to hang for a bit. Options at this point are to go for a run, call my sponsor, get a couple of business related items completed, give my older sister a call, play guitar, watch an episode of Justified, read a little bit of "The War of Art"...obviously, some choices here. What isn't an option, and isn't on my radar right now, is porn.

    I'm thankful I have some choices...
  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Yesterday, was able to make some good choices for myself, which really helped me feel good into the evening hours. Went for a run, replaced a toilet, trimmed a zillion tree branches in the back yard, went for a brief swim, had a good talk with my older sister... By the end of the day, I was in that blissful exhaustion state, that I've not had much of in recent months. I needed every ounce of it, as my 16 daughter tried to punch every button imaginable last night. Thankfully, I was not in my porn mode, so I was emotionally present enough to deal with it effectively.

    14 days w/o PMO is usually the place where I start to feel at least a little serenity/peace of mind, and today, I'm experiencing some of that. The challenge is that once I start to feel a little bit of the good stuff, my urge to porn increases. In a heartbeat, I can go from feeling good, to porning out, to feeling like shit.

    So, I need to do something different today, to help keep me in recovery mode, as opposed to slipping backwards. I've run for the past 5 days, and that has helped me with my overall state of mind. I will plan on doing that today.

    Had lunch with my SA sponsor today, and compassion was one of the topics of discussion. If I don't have room for compassion for self/other in my mind, I'm going to really struggle with my efforts. Compassion seems to be one of the antidotes for the dopamine hit I seek with porn. It's a great emotional "shock absorber", and I need to remain mindful of this.
  10. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Feeling melancholy this evening. Reminds me of how i often felt back in college on Sunday evenings, after having had a great weekend. Sometimes I felt so good back then that I couldn't stand it. Unfortunately, I didn't know how to contain it or sustain it. Thankful for a porn-free weekend that allows me to be aware of these feelings...
  11. ravensrock

    ravensrock New Member

    Congrats on getting through the weekend NCB. Enjoy reading your posts and see there are two more things we have in common- a moody kid and we like Justified!
  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Thanks, ravensrock :)

    BTW, which would you rather deal with, a moody kid, or a wild episode of Justified... I know what I'm about to do :) lol!
  13. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    just need to remind myself of what happens if I edge or PMO. When I do, I become:

    emotionally unavailable

    this also causes me to:

    lose my creative spark
    stay stuck in my head
    not work very effectively
    not be emotionally available to my daughter or ex
    have a difficult time listening to others because of all the noise in my head
    have a long period of headaches and dullness in my head
    have a really hard time feeling love
    feel very overwhelmed with work and life
    not be able to really relax
    waste my time
    not follow my dreams
    not live up to my potential
  14. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Was briefly triggered by a Match.com picture for a second or so...

    Just like tentacles of lighting flashing and expanding underneath a thunderstorm cloud - I could feel the sparks/synapses fire inside and across my brain - it felt literally like a "lust" storm.

    So easy to get triggered into porn when this happens...time for a run
  15. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    This is an amazing list. I think that you should make a parallel list showing what happens if you DO NOT edge or PMO. Sort of like this:

    If I don't PMO or edge but do other healthy things, I become:
    easy going
  16. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Caoimhín - great idea :)

    I was triggered again late last night by pictures from a couple of gals that pinged me on Match.com. I spent several hours wrestling with feelings of lust that erupted a result, and could not get myself calmed down to sleep. Ended up getting on the computer for several hours beginning at about 3. Did some porn/pic surfing and a little bit of edging. Finally I got tired of that, and got myself in bed without PMO. Wrestled with this again for a couple of hours today - finally, I've got myself off that track. Knock on wood, it feels a little easier to do this right now.

    Lots of deep breathing needed going forward...

    I'll work on that list, Caoimhín!
  17. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I was triggered by a couple of Match.com profiles of ladies who had reached out to my profile early last week. My brain's circuitry went haywire with imagining the possibility of having sex with someone - I've been divorced for three years, and have made no efforts/not been interested in dating until recently. Needless to say, I could not get myself wound down/relaxed, and ended up PMO'ing to cut the stress. Since then, I've been wrestling like hell with my addiction, and right now, in the middle of that battle. I've been spending tons of hours surfing, downloading, hoarding, uploading, and edging. I am exhausted, but I still haven't been able to flip the switch and get out of this mind-space. No doubt, a huge part of me loves this porn thing, and that's the thing that keeps me stuck in it. The fact that I've been edging, and not PMO'ing this past week, is keeping stuck in this cycle. Do I need to jerk off, to get off the porn? Or will I find something in me that can flip the switch, to let go of it. I'm a slave to it at the moment, and just don't seem to be willing/able to do much of anything. Overwhelmed is an understatement :mad:
  18. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Went for a run last evening, and that helped reset my brain a bit. Still did a little surfing/edging into the late evening, although it was a half-hearted attempt. I've found that if I run/exercise, and get a good night's sleep, I'm far less likely to want/need to PMO.

    I'm reminded of Newton's first law of motion - an object at rest tends to stay at rest, and an object at motion tends to stay in motion. With regards to my porn use - when I'm in it, I tend to stay in it. When I'm moving in another direction, I tend to keep moving in that direction.

    That begs the question; what is it that causes the object at rest, to start moving, and what is it that causes the object in motion, to stop moving? What causes me when I’m stuck, to become unstuck? What causes me when I’m unstuck, to become stuck?

    It comes down to quantum physics, also known as the infinite possibilities that come with free will.

    I can get stuck in the rut of my addiction, to the point where I see absolutely no way out. It is all that exists, and I will not be able to survive, much less feel good, without it. It is a mind-boggling experience. There is no other way out, and only one way to go in.

    Literally trapped in my own mind.

    What astounds me is that if I make a choice to go in a different direction, even if in that moment I see no other alternative direction that would be remotely satisfying at all, that in making that choice to do so, all sorts of other possibilities open up. Opportunities that I was completely blind to.

    When I am in PMO mode, I am blind and stuck. When I am in non-PMO mode, the possibilities are endless.

    I need to focus on being more quantum in this process…

    Just choose to move in a different direction, and see what happens. Exercise my free will…
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place, as the challenges that I face financially and emotionally seem beyond daunting, and the lure of porn is beyond enticing, yet completely leaves me powerless to do anything about my challenges. Which leaves me with the "fuck-its" or maybe it's the "stuck-its" :)

    I've been asking myself/the universe what is it that I would want more than porn - and I don't have a good answer right now. I can feel my addict crawling around in the basement - and I'd like to have a little light down there...
  20. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I understand. It is so tempting to turn off when the challenges become too great. For me, almost any financial issues / thoughts immediately fall into the category of being too much for me to handle. Is is increadibly stupid that the more difficulty I have, the more I ignore it... the worse I make it. I see this clearly, yet continue the behaviour.

    My goal is to try and pay more attention to my finances by looking at them regularly. Becoming more aware of what I have / owe / need to do in the coming week. It is not fun but by gradually bringing you financial situation closer to you as opposed to taking away the fear with porn and masturbation, I think, is the only solution.

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