Hi NCB, just read your journal. Familiar story. Could be me talking. Different facts but same theme. You strike me as a guy who understands himself and as someone who has the persistence to see things through. Good qualities. The question is what do you want and which you is you. I don't want porn; I do want porn. It's the Jekyll and Hyde thing. We all have it. For me and this is very personal thing I have accepted that they are both a part of me. This is not for everyone and some guys with good reason hate Mr Hyde / the Beast and want to kick the living shit out of him. For me it is about deploying your forces at the right time and in the right place. Mr Hyde is shit at being patient, caring about anyone but himself , and hates being thwarted when he wants something. A bit like a 4 year old. However in a tight spot he can do a job for you. If you are those that you love are in danger he is the guy that will kick ass and save your ass. However YOU are the King of your castle and you decide when to use all the different parts of your character. He thinks that we are all pussies etc fot wanting to wait, think about others but he should not be in charge. You, me and probably most other guys here have handed control of the Kingdom to a 4 year old giant and he is tearing the place up. So it's about regaining control, making adult decisions and not letting the 4 year old drive the car. Eventually he will take everyone over the cliff. Hope this helps. Stay strong, be kind to yourself and stay the course.