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Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Doofus, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Oh! I had a hard time posting this for some reason. My text was greyed-out and the post reply button wasn't working.

    Anyway. Amidst all of that, I forgot that, actually, I had another dream last night in which I was having very vigorous sex (maybe with the wife, but I don't remember now for sure...) and I think I woke up right after with 100% erection. It might have been a dream within a dream, though.

    And I am definitely having a chaser effect after not having sex with this woman I'm not really attracted to. Ugh.
     
  2. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Hope your boy made it home alright and that your Thanksgiving weekend is good
     
  3. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you, Boxer! My boy is home, safe and sound. And Thanksgiving was good. Hope yours was too!

    Set a post 50 5k PR on Thursday, happy about that. Also happy that I'm starting day 20. Less happy that I woke up at 3 this morning and am still up, now, at 4:30. When I woke at 3, I was at maybe 60% erection. I'm about 60% happy with that. I haven't stretched since the race. Very unhappy with myself about that. I don't know why I lack self-discipline when it comes to that. Yesterday, though I was a bit sore from the race, I ran for an hour, lifted etc. but stretch? No!
    It's weird the things I can be diligent about and the things I can't. Actually, embarrassing is a better description than is weird.

    I'm not more horny than before, I don't think, but am more tempted to cheat. Family and I went to Crimes of Grindenwald last night. Many many attractive women in that movie. Couple of times last night I started to search for pics of them on google. Stopped myself, but....
    On one hand, I hate the fact that I seem to be in flat line. I want that to end and to be on the other side of the healing that that represents. On the other, it might be that I think I'm healed, but, it's the addiction, Jason from horror movie fame like coming back from only seeming to be dead. I hope that, regardless of my desire, so long as I don't P to O with M, that I am making progress. That approach worked 6 years ago. Hopefully it's working now.
     
  4. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Didn't get to sleep until after mid-night - just after my son finally texted that he was back safe at college. Ugh. Woke up at 5 but slept - mostly - in between. Woke twice, briefly, but with 100% erections! So, that's good. Was pretty horny yesterday, although no erections. Searched celebrities a couple times, but cut it off almost right away - no P, no M and, sadly, no O. Wife is working on a paper so our weekly sex date didn't happen. Starting in on day 22 here. I'll write more later - I think I'll need to: Flat line seems to be gone, so I'm feeling tempted again.
     
  5. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Just back from a run here at the beginning of day 23. I don't know if it's a manifestation of flat line, or what it is, but I am having a very difficult time being productive. Maybe I'm just tired - I'm still not sleeping enough. Woke up briefly last night with full erection. Didn't feel like one, but, when I got up to go pee, I saw that it was. Didn't last long and didn't have one at all when I woke up, but, still it's nice to get re-assurance that in terms of plumbing and so on everything is OK.
    Drank too much last night, but, other than the brief visit to the bathroom, slept through the night. Although that was still only about 6 hours. Conquered a lifting goal yesterday. It's very modest, but, still making some progress there. Running is also continuing to improve, although I ate like an entire pizza last night, so... 2 steps up and 1 step back with my weight. I'm being better about my physical fitness since I've been abstaining from PMO. I'm hoping, too, that the more fit I am the faster and deeper the reset will be.
     
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  6. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    It IS good to know the plumbing works :D
    Now to get our between the ears plumbing fixed :rolleyes:
     
    Doofus likes this.
  7. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Exactly! Working on it. I might not think so tomorrow, but I feel like I'm making progress toward that today.
     
  8. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, inadvertent experiment last night: I forgot to take my zinc before I went to bed. Sure enough, I woke up at 1:30 and couldn't get back to sleep right away. I took zinc at 1:30, and did get back to sleep, but not until 3:30- and I drank to do it. Ironically, I didn't take melatonin at 1:30 because I didn't want to be groggy. What did I think drinking two glasses of wine would make me feel at 5?! (Although, because of that, I didn't actually wake up until 6...).

    I actually ran enough yesterday and stretched and did core, so, I'm pretty sure zinc is playing a positive role in the improvement I've been seeing in my sleep. I had thought maybe stretching was positively correlated with sleeping through the night.

    I guess I should say here, too, that I write a lot about my sleep because it is - although not solely - a big factor in my various addictions. My drinking didn't get out of hand until my insomnia did. Same, in many ways with my PMO. M used to get me back to sleep in the middle of the night. Once free P became available it was also the case that 3 am was a good time to M to P, since no one else was up. (Usually.... the first time I was caught by my wife was at 3 when she happened to be up too. That was bad, but didn't stop me) Thus, I feel , possibly wrongly, that if I could solve my sleep problems, I could largely solve my addiction problems - especially the drinking which seems more difficult to beat than the PMO.

    I'm completely unprepared for class this morning. I wish I was better about working when I can't sleep. According to legend, Martha Stewart became a billionaire because she decided to become productive when struck by insomnia (also decided to become a felon but....). I want to do better. I am, but I'm disappointed in the degree to which I am. Lots of room for improvement. But, on the positive side, I started day 24 with an (albeit pitifully short.. ) run in single digit wind chill. 1 step back and 1.01 steps up.

    Inching forward...
     
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  9. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, I remembered to take my zinc last night. Woke up once - 1:30 again, but got back to sleep pretty quickly. Also had wood when I did wake up, full on, too. So yay for that. Did not have an erection though when I woke up this morning at 5. It's weird (or is it?, I don't know...) that I seem to have erections semi-consistently when I wake in the middle of the night, but not at all when I wake up in the morning. Is this hormones not being synced to a night/day rhythm as they should be? Is it then related to my waking up in the middle of the night rather than sleeping through? I'll try to do some research, though I really really need to be productive today. I have not been all week. At least as far as work goes. I have been running consistently, and, of course, resisting PMO, so that's good. I've been feeling kind of horny, but, still without corresponding erections. My penis looks normal again, though, most of the time. So, maybe I'm coming out of flat line? I hope so, because I'm also hoping that my recent lethargy can be explained by the reboot.

    Therapy this morning. I haven't talked to him about this - I guess it's too embarrassing and not, I don't think, related to the reasons I started therapy. I'm dreading going a bit, because I haven't done what the work I'm supposed to have done - getting on top of my organizational system and facing down some things (mostly financial) that carry a sort of paralyzing anxiety for me. It's not clear why I'm seeing this guy (which costs money and time) if I'm not doing the work. Or, more precisely, I'm not doing the work lately, I guess. Two weekends ago, I did work on my system, but it's in such a state of neglect that getting on top of it seems overwhelming. I guess that's symptomatic of depression.

    I guess this is typical, but the first few days of this streak (from when I gave up the movies I was watching the non-P but still triggering movies...) I felt pretty good. Some of that has carried forward: My streak of good running started then and has continued, both in terms of volume and quality, but in my mood and motivation has regressed. My sleep is not really better either. It's also the case, though, that my drinking has crept back up. I haven't drunk any hard liquor (I was drinking vodka daily...) since my current no PMO streak started, so that's good. And I had worked down to a bottle of wine a night or less (including the drinking I was doing to go back to sleep). It was still too much, but now I'm back up to a bottle minimum plus what I drink to go back to sleep. Lots of things to fix, all related, I guess, to my mental health issues - depression and anxiety. But I am succeeding so far with PMO and I am exercising more, so that's something here on the morning of day 25.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  10. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, I just want to report: Daytime erection! It just occurred on my drive home. It wasn't in response to anything sexual, really. My car is running a little rough these days, so I get a kind of vibrator-like stimulation, plus I had to pee, and I did help it along by flexing it, but still! I'm pretty happy about this. I haven't had one in many many years. Maybe since my first reboot (detailed in the first few pages of this thread) 6 years ago!

    It's also the case that it's been more than the usual week since I last O'd. I've always thought that so long as I was not Pand M and O, my brain would heal, and, it has been, but maybe no P nor M nor O speeds the process along.

    I guess this also means that my depression is not related to flat line, necessarily. Or, that, inscrutably, the therapy is helping (I was on my way home from my weekly appointment when it happened) I say inscrutably, because, as I wrote in the previous post, I'm not doing the work and I'm not sure how just talking to him, often about mundane things, is helpful.

    Regardless, I wanted to post this so 1. I have a record of it myself, as part of the journal of my progress and 2. Others can take heart from it if they doubt the effectiveness of reboot. I myself had been doubting it, even though, I myself had evidence from that last reboot. Stay the course, gentlemen (and if there are any here, ladies). No PMO works.
     
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  11. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    More positive news: I had actual MW, although, weirdly, not when I woke up in the middle of the night, which is the reverse of what it's been. Dreamed. The last one (explaining the erection, probably) a sex dream which didn't involve porn in any explicit way - although it did involve a 3 some.... In any case I also take that as a sign of progress. Day 26.
     
  12. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    I'm not sure why I'm having a hard time writing on here. There is a lot going on, with my marriage, my jobs, my children, my mental health, all of it relevant to my issues with PMO. I know it would be very helpful to write about them, but just thinking about doing so, plunges me into exhaustion and tears. So, on one hand, I'm a wreck.

    On the other hand, today was a very good day in my PMO recovery. Full on morning wood, both when I woke briefly and when I woke for good. Everything worked great during make out session and hand job from wife.
    Have been a little tempted since my O this morning - chaser effect, I guess. But resisted looking at P or trying to M (very tempted right after O with my wife, not sure why...). Biggest failure was that I chose to watch a movie on Netflix because I thought it might have somewhat explicit scenes of infidelity ( my biggest P weakness). As it turns out, it didn't. Biggest victory: Didn't try to find another movie that did have those scenes. So... mostly clean here at the end of day 28 (yes, I'm not that much of a purist.... I consider my streak still alive, since there was not re-inforcement of my bad behavior).

    I was a little bit better about getting things done today, but not as good as I'd hoped.

    I will try to check in tomorrow on day 29.
     
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  13. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, I'm going to write instead of relapse. Feeling very horny at the moment. No corresponding erection, but wouldn't take much, I don't think.

    I think I've written about this before - and, maybe it's just my addiction talking - but a sex drive is an integral part of being a healthy human. There's an argument to be made, and it has been made, that our existence is only to facilitate the perpetuation of genetic material, through sex. We've evolved to want to screw. M is a way of satisfying those urges when we cannot otherwise with another person. Having an O is not like eating or drinking or breathing, but there's evidence that it's like eating healthy, or exercise. It's what we're supposed to do.

    My wife has been servicing me, once/week or so, since I had my melt down over the fact that she wasn't back in August. She only does so on the weekend. And weekend last, she didn't. This past weekend, if I hadn't broken down and complained about it, we wouldn't have, I'm pretty sure. She's going to be gone the next two weekends, I think, then my family may be here for the holidays after that. And so it goes.

    Trying to stay clean, my only options are her, or, someone else. I have cheated before (see way upstream of this post). It was a very long time ago, and, actually not that great. I wasn't up to the stress of it, I hurt the other person, which was the last thing I wanted to do (OK almost the last... hurting my children was the last and was why I ended it shortly after it started). So, either I complain to my wife more, which sets off this vicious cycle in which I feel, regardless of whether it's true, that I'm making her do something she doesn't wish to, which, in itself is depressing, or, I suffer through this desire without release. I know I won't die from this but it's distracting and depressing and makes me question the whole idea of marriage, especially when one person is no longer interested in being physical (she's not especially affectionate anymore either.... I guess that's a backhanded compliment to my younger self - maybe she used to be more affectionate as a means of getting more nookie or because she wanted it.)

    I'm staying the course because I want to be healthy again, but, you know, for what? I guess on principle, to show I can do it.

    Anyway, I'm hanging in there here in the middle of day 30.
     
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  14. IcarusPrime

    IcarusPrime New Member

    Day 30 - good job, man! Keep up the good job and don't give in to the cravings, you know very well it's not worth it. You've got to soldier on through the hard times and once the Holidays are around you won't think about porn around your family. You can do it!
     
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  15. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you IcarusPrime! I fought through temptation this afternoon. Day 30 is almost in the books. To fight off temptation, I worked out, then cooked and, unfortunately, drank a lot of wine. One addiction at a time, I guess.
     
  16. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    That has been my thinking sometimes. Trying to have some sort of integrity and self control
     
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  17. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Day 31. I think I had an erection when I woke up.... less tempted to relapse, though, today then I was.

    Woke up at 1:30 (didn't take zinc) and drank way too much to get back to sleep. Once I get to 90 days with no PMO, I'm really going to dig in against my drinking. Before T-Day, I was down to less than a bottle a night, including whatever I had to drink to get back to sleep. Yesterday and last night I totaled two bottles, maybe more! (I've been buying bota boxes again.... mostly because I've been embarrassed by how many and how visible all the bottles are)

    I did take a positive step just now: As I've written above, much of the impetus for my addictions has been my problem with sleep. I used PMO and alcohol to both fall asleep and get back to sleep. Zinc has helped, but if I've drank too much, as I have been lately, I tend to forget to take it. Anyway, my wife needs to wake up at 5:30 to get to her new job. She's not a morning person, has sleep issues herself and is completely exhausted. So, I made an expensive purchase of a wake-up light alarm clock in the hopes that it can help our circadian rhythms. (My boys have terrible sleep problems too and if this clock works, I'll be getting ones for them, too.) I hope this will make the zinc less necessary (and the drinking....) and reduce the grogginess I've been feeling with the zinc - I'm sleeping better, but I feel nearly as bad in the morning as I did when I took sleeping pills.

    Anyway, I have many stressful things coming up in the near future. I'm going to keep writing here in the hopes that those stressors don't lead me to relapse. Weird, how temptation to do so isn't ebbing as the days pile up. I don't really remember this from 6 years ago. Probably more soon.
     
  18. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Yeah, for me right now that's actually a huge thing. Maybe in part because of my use, certainly because of my anxiety and depression these last few years, self-discipline, previously one of my hallmark strengths, has almost completely deserted me. I've been able to will myself to meet my most basic obligations - work household chores, exercise sometimes - but no more. I think because work was so overwhelming for so many years in a row. I've felt tapped out for a while. I dealt with that difference between what I was able to make myself do and what I was actually doing, by PMO and booze. All that did was make the time go by faster, while I waited for... what? A miracle? For my anxiety to go away?

    I think no PMO, then, will help convince me that I have more inner strength than I think or fear that I do. And if I can beat PMO then maybe I can do other things as well: get fitter, get my drinking under control, face my finances, improve my relationships with various relations. I do feel I've been more productive about little things now that I have time I used to devote to PMO, which, some days, was quite a lot. It hasn't been a one-to-one exchange, far from it, but I am doing better than I was. My vector has at least the right direction if not the magnitude that I'd like...

    The 'sex' I've been having is better in some ways, too, I guess. No DE which is great - and my wife can always get me off now, which wasn't the case before, so that's good. On the other hand, I have a previously unexperienced anxiety about ED. So far, I've only had the difficulty once and then it was OK, so I'm not overwhelmed by it, but not MO every day and, as of yet, no daytime erections (well, the one a week ago), has left me less confident I can perform. Still, I think a positive change on balance.

    Anyway, hopefully the above will help me - and maybe someone else - struggling to stay on the wagon. More soon
     
  19. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Dinner break on day 32. Inexplicably sad today - I've felt like crying a lot. It's therapy day and this happens a lot on therapy day. It was also a hard day in other ways, though. I complained my way on to a committee charged with examining ways to save my little college from financial ruin. I was elected, as I have been the last few years in a row, now, to do this, but the last few years there was no committee. Administration formed one, but excluded me, instead appointing some other people. I squaked about that and now I'm on the committee. It's very depressing.
    We had contractors come today to work on the bathroom re-do. My wife called in a panic while they were here - she wanted to make sure they didn't leave before she got home, she needed to make sure everything was going to plan, or, in the way she wanted. I said I was here, I was handling it... she said she needed to be here herself - essentially she doesn't trust me. Or, more accurately, she's a control freak. I still felt hurt.
    I didn't get to run much today - between therapy and meetings and inadequately (just ask my wife...) dealing with our house and my money going to contractors without my wife checking every detail, I ran only 5 minutes!

    So, maybe not inexplicable.... plus, therapy, though it consists right now of me just recounting stressful things in my week, often leaves me sad. I don't know if that's because it's working in mysterious ways, or because it's not working at all.

    Anyway. erection when I woke. Peeked a bit at non P, but scantily clad women that were linked on my page of fb (I'm still getting those...) but no P and no O. So, I feel still comfortable in saying my streak is on. The peeking was only momentary so, hopefully, minimum damage was done to my progress.

    Back to work.
     
  20. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    :rolleyes::cool:
     

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