Looking for feedback

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Doofus, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Beginning of day 5. No MW. :(. I did have a weird sexual dream, though. In it, a female friend, a former student, was physically with me, but her face was photo-shopped on a porn star's body. I'm not sure why now, though she explained it to me in the dream. We ended up having sex, but I couldn't O. When I tried to M to complete, I lost the erection - then I woke up.

    I've been seeing - incidentally, not intentionally - this former student quite a bit. I've never had romantic or sexual feelings for her, so the dream is weird. I guess dreams often are, but I'm writing it about it now because the PMO link seems pretty explicit (so to speak....).

    The wife and I fought last night. I'll write more about that later - or, try to.

    Also, maybe I'm flat lining now? I haven't been tempted to PMO at all in probably a couple of weeks - maybe more. The only reason I'm only at 5 is that I'm counting the triggering movies I was somewhat compulsively watching for the 2-3 weeks before I started the counter. As I wrote above, those movies, though often explicit R-rated films were not P and I didn't M to them. But they were all about a common draw for me in P - infidelity.

    It's getting late; I'm going to try to get out the door to run so I'm back in time to get my son to school and get ready for work myself - plus try to make up with the wife a little.

    More soon.
  2. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Keep pushing on sir
  3. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thanks for the encouragement, Boxer!

    Some progress here early on day 6: I woke up 3 times last night and each time I had 'M'W. The first was maybe only 25%, but the other two were 100%! Very happy. I'd been worried that maybe my drinking had caused permanent physical damage. Nope.

    Relatedly, the last two nights I took a zinc (30mg). Drinking - which I'll talk about here, too - depletes that and zinc is important in proper sexual function. It also is important in the regulation of cortisol, which, many health care professionals believe is the main reason we wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep. This is a problem I've been afflicted with for over 20 years now (since the day my oldest was born I tell people, only half-jokingly...). Both my drinking and my PMO have at a minimum worsened and been sustained because they sometimes work in getting me back to sleep.

    Anyway, either my no PMO is working, or the zinc is or both. Regardelss, I'm not quitting my pledge to -er - quit PMO. Regardless of the zinc, I have more time, more energy , more productivity and better mood, and this has been true since I stopped, even well before the zinc.

    Onto day 6
    Boxer17 likes this.
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Doofus, I'm on Day 5 today myself. I've been struggling with this for a long time. I almost got myself clean and slipped way back. My advice comes from the success of my previous effort.

    I'm having dreams, too. Wild crazy dreams! Some sexual, some not. The sexual nature of some of the dreams you experience, in my unscientific perspective, is your brain flushing the crap you've polluted it with. I wouldn't get too caught up in the interpretation and meaning as much as just realizing it is kind of like taking out the trash. I've had pictures that I say in magazines when I was a teenager and somehow still remember haunt my dreams, women I've dated, women I've crushed on, movie clips from things I've seen ... all haunt my dreams. I try my best to let them go and not hang on to them.

    On the scientific from I've read in the past that dreaming is a sign that our brains are healing. When I PMO heavily I don't dream. I don't sleep well, either and if I remember the article right it is because as we creating negative pathways and don't rest our brains the dreaming gets shut down because the brain is exhausted. So embrace the dreaming. Let the trash go out. And see it as a sign of healing.

    Some of my dreams are crazy. For instance last night .... I just got a couple of new suits with bracers. I dreamed last night that I was speaking at work in front of my team and they all had bracers on. As I spoke the bracers started popping buttons and the straps were shooting all over the place like confetti. Earlier this week my last g/f visited me at night in a dream that was freaky real but when I woke up there was nothing but emptiness. I'll go a little crazy trying to interpret all that. I laugh at the funny parts and let the trashy go as best I can.

    Good luck!

  5. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Doofus, Welcome back to YBOP. Dreams worry me too but at the same time if I just let them go they pass and nothing bad has happened, apart from once. I dreamt about a colleague the dream told me that she was having a hard time in her life. It was so real I nearly told a mutual friend. Lo and behold the colleague was having a hard time in her life, which I am sure the mutual friend was well aware of.

    Zinc and cortisol seems like something to find out more about.

    Soar Well

    Grey Heron
  6. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thanks GreyHerron and Ruggerdoug! I appreciate the input.

    Well, today was not a banner day. Had the weekly sex date with wife this morning, and, for the first time ever, I did not get hard - at all. At least at first. Eventually, after she got off, I was able to get myself somewhat hard. She took over, and, I don't know how hard I got, but I O'd.

    I feel discouraged. On one hand, the zinc, again, enabled me to sleep through the night, although, once again, I had a very difficult time falling asleep. Also, though I've been faithful to my latest definition of no PMO, my PIED seems to be getting worse. I can live without M to P, but, I've never had trouble getting it up with my wife before.

    To a certain extent, I think this is psychological. The lack of morning wood (except for Thursday... did I dream that??) has worried me that my drinking has given me permanent whiskey-dick. On the other hand - Thursday. I also feel a bit like I didn't use it so I've lost it kind of thing. That that daily M, however it was achieved assured the next day's M and so on. (As economists say...) on the third (or whichever number I'm up to) hand, in the past, I couldn't cum with my wife, especially with a hand job only. Now, I have no trouble.

    I've cut down on my drinking, which has been voluminous for years now (for example, falling asleep last night was a victory since I'd had only one bottle of wine. When I woke up, though, I had another half bottle in order to get back to sleep. Still an improvement as in the recent past, I'd been drinking far more than that.. so, in a way, I feel that booze shouldn't be the cause since I've had years of drinking way more than I am now with no problems with PIED)

    I'm keeping the faith as I head toward day 7, but not without ambivalence nor trepidation.
  7. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    OK. So progress isn't linear. Woke up twice last night, both times with pretty strong erections.
    Falling asleep went better but woke up at 3 and couldn't get back to sleep (this was the second time). Tried zinc in combination with magnesium as per research paper I read online. In that study, subjects used 450 mg of Mg and 12 of Zinc. They also took a melatonin. I was wrong above about the zinc dose, the pills are 50 mg! Last night I took a half. Maybe I need all 50??

    I was good yesterday in terms of PMO, in spite of a strong chaser effect from the sex. My running has been really improving as has my productivity. Hanging in there as I go to work here on day 8.
  8. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Just woke up on day 10. Awoke twice last night with erections. Yay! Took 50 mg zinc and the Mg. Slept through, which is good since I was completely exhausted last night - to the extent I couldn't/didn't run or work out. Very anxious, though, for many reasons. Although, given that, it's all the more remarkable that I could sleep through. Workmen coming to the house today - maybe. I'll write more about that later, perhaps. Faculty meeting tomorrow and, as usual, I feel totally unprepared to pay my role of parliamentarian if I'm called upon. Which, more than any other, I have been during my time. Ugh. There's just too much to do.
    More in a few miinutes.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  9. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    OK, so actually day 9, not 10, I think.

    In any case, my new goal is to maintain until January 1 or when this flatline ends - whichever comes last. I guess I should say, suspected flat line. As I wrote above, I had a difficult time getting it up with the wife on Sunday. More generally, I'm not horny right now. Maybe a little, like stirrings, but, mostly, no. I'm relieved that I do seem to be OK physically, given my night time erectins, but, I'm worried about being able to perform in the future.

    One reason I'm posting on this particular forum is of course I am over 40. Way over 40 (54). Because I'm post-men-o-pausal (I can feel the effects of lowered testosterone and just generally aging, most dramatically after age 45 or so), it's hard for me to stay certain about the cause of my problems - is it P or it is A - for age. From the time it existed on the internet, I was a habitual P user. And, until the episode 6 years ago, which brought me here, I'd never had any problems, except for difficulty in cumming sometimes.

    So, my question for you other older guys is this: How have you determined that your sexual issues have to do with P? Have any of you tried testosterone (I'm not considering it myself by the way, just curious) and found it made a difference? Do you think that being older means longer recovery from PIED? Is recovery less dramatic? What role does stress - which seems higher in my life now than ever before - play for you, do you think?

    I really want to be an active sexual being for as long as I can. I invested considerable time and energy thinking about whether to and then actually convincing my wife to have sex with me again - we had gone a year without being sexual at all and most of the last 5 or 6 without being sexual much all since her menopause. Now, I'm anxious that I went to that trouble and now because I was relying on P for that time, can't do it anyway.

    Anyway.. just typing here while I wait for the windows guys to finish up. Any replies are very appreciated. It seems less active here than it was 6 years ago.
  10. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Well, up at 2:30, that's the bad news. I think it's because, as usual, I'm stressed about being parliamentarian at today's faculty meeting. Going to start re-reading Robert's rules here in a second (after stretching). The good news is that I awoke with a full on hard on. So yay! When I woke at 11:30 with acid reflux, I was not hard, but still. Good news, I think.

    Took 50 mg of zinc and the ... I keep forgetting - 450? of Mg. Experimenting with type of wine. Last night I topped a bottle of wine off with half of red and slept well. Tonight, the topper was white. Maybe that's also a difference. Also didn't stretch. Also? Fought with wife, though I told her I was sorry before falling asleep and it seemed like we were OK.

    I might write more later - I know I keep promising, but I am really slammed these days, but, so begins, really this time, day 10.
  11. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I am 65 and have noticed a drop in desire. I do think stress and anxiety play a role in performance issues.
    Sometimes just cuddling and caressing can allow sexual desire to sneak up on you.
    The pilot light doesn't burn as brightly and more stimulation can be needed for arousal.
  12. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, a pattern is developing. Woke up at 11:30 last night, was able to go back to sleep pretty quickly. Not so when I woke up at 1:00. Was up until, 3 and then asleep until 5:30. Drank about half a bottle of wine (red) to get me back to sleep. Both times I awoke I had maybe 50% hard ons. So... meh. I don't have to go in to teach on Thursdays. I see my therapist in the morning - just got back from that. Because I have time, and, because of therapy - maybe - this is a danger day in terms of P or racy movies. I'm typing here instead.

    In terms of sleep, I took the full cocktail - 3 mg melatonin, the Mg and the zinc (50 mg). I guess it's kind of working, but what's happening is that I feel very sleepy later in the day, and, today this morning. I haven't run much this week, which, I think is a factor. I left for work yesterday at 8 and didn't get back until 8, so no time and no energy to stretch. I've got to dig in.

    Thanks for the reply, Boxer17! It's hard to know what's normal. My desire is (obviously..) lower than it was pre-30. But it seems to be lower - at least during this particular phase of the re-boot, I'm counting - than before, 6 years ago. That worries me. Or, maybe not. One of the reasons I m'd or told myself I did over the years is that I read somewhere that it boosts testosterone levels. I'm worried I'm in a negative spiral with the re-boot. There's lots of evidence weighing against that, but I thought I'd just type what I'm thinking in the hopes it helps me process and think rationally about this.

    Mid-way through day 11 (I think... I can't remember if I started on Sunday or Monday, I'm counting Monday to be on the safe side - by the by what time zone are the time stamps?)
  13. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, progress, I think.

    Last night I dreamed that my wife and I were having sex. I woke up in the middle of the dream and I was moving my hips with a full erection. Woke up two other times - both with at least partial (one weak the other strong). They seem to get stronger the later they occur.

    On the down side, the fact that I woke three times is a bit discouraging. Just as before, the first was at 11:30. I got back to sleep that time right after going pee. The second time, again, was at 1. That time I was up for about an hour and a half. Drank a half bottle of wine again. Woke up at 3 with the sex dream - few sips of wine got me back to sleep. Actually woke up briefly at 5, which is when I should be getting up, but was so sleepy I fell right back to sleep until 5:40 when I got up for good.

    Lots of stressful things going on now, not super stressful, but, in the aggregate, they would have really gotten to me before. Hope that abstaining is helping and it's not just random. Because I'm abstaining, though, I've been more productive both with work and with exercise. So, even if it's not a direct cause, it's almost certainly an indirect one.

    Still resisting all of PM and O (except with wife), mid-way through day 12.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  14. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Good on you Sir!
    Doofus likes this.
  15. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you, Boxer!
  16. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    How much sleep do you get before 11.30pm? I find if i go to bed too early, meaning before 10pm, i sleep very hard till about 2am and then lie awake for a couple of hours. Could the answer be as simple as going to bed later? (there was a BBC documentary on insomnia last year that indicated going to bed later can help https://www.bbc.com/news/health-39746028)

    The reboot is like magic! (subtle magic but magic nonetheless)
  17. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you for your reply, New Man.

    My goal has been to go to sleep at 9 and wake up at 5. I'm getting up at 5 now pretty consistently, and I'm getting to sleep around 9, it's just the hours in between. We're off DST where I live so it's getting dark here at around 5:30 6 o'clock, so I'm thinking it's not a circadian rhythm thing, but maybe? Anyway, I'll think about your suggestion. We've got Thanksgiving coming up so I can experiment a little on my break. In any case thank you.

    Right before I woke up this morning I had a - basically - porn dream. In the dream, I was watching somebody have sex with a porn star and, in the dream, I was trying to M and I was doing so, because I had been watching P a lot. I was really panicked about that. I think it might actually have to do with the fact that, before I fell asleep, I was trying to find a scanned document that my son needs (his rental agreement) in evernote and couldn't. If I had scanned it, it would have been 3-4 months ago, so I really can't remember if I did. Maybe my son has it still and I myself never scanned it? I'm pretty sure I did - I think I remember arguing with him about whether I should take it home. Anyway, I has assured my wife that I had it - and I don't, I have his application but not the rental agreement. So, maybe, in this case, P is standing in for my guilt/anxiety about something else, rather than the other way around, which is probably more common. I'm typing about this, though, it might seem trivial to anyone reading it, because, for some reason, I'm very upset about it now and I'm hoping that writing about it will help.

    When I woke up, I only had a very weak erection - like 25%. No MW either time I woke up, really. I guess I have to remember, again, that progress is uneven. ..

    Also, my foot really hurts. I'm supposed to go out for a long run in a bit. Running has really been saving me the last two weeks. Plus, my fitness has really been improving and I'm entered in a race on Thursday. I'm worried what happens if I can't run.

    I was pretty busy yesterday, I felt, but I got no work-related work done. I cleaned the house, got a hair cut, cooked dinner, ran a couple of times, shopped. That was it, though. I was a 50s housewife yesterday.....

    My son (the other one - hs senior) was gone all day yesterday. One of my wife's excuses for her not having sex with me is that she doesn't want to when he's around. Two weeks ago (we only have sex on the weekends) I pointed out that he was gone. When I did she said 'so?'. I had to spell it out for her. I decided not to point it out yesterday - nothing. Or, almost nothing. She came up to me a couple of times yesterday to hug me and say she loved me - it felt like she was trying to reassure me, but also to let me know she had thought about my younger son being gone, but, she had too much to do and sex wasn't going to happen. In a way, I'm relieved. Maybe I'm in flat line right now, but regardless, last weekend's near failure is weighing heavily on me for some reason. Without the daily reassurance of P to M, I'm not confident. I'm not getting daytime erections at all right now. I guess 2 weeks in is still to early?

    This is double upsetting, because we went a year without having sex at all, before I made a stink about it back in August. Since then, we've been having sex once a week. Early on, we were also making out sometimes too, but, since she started working full time - she had been working only part time before - that's stopped. She leaves every morning at 6:30, and, for various reasons, hasn't been getting home until 6 pm or later. So she's tired. I'm upset about all of this, too, for reasons maybe I'll detail in another post. Maybe I'll write it in a bit if I can't run today.

    Anyway, I'm a bundle of anxiety, but strangely confident I'll make it through today, day 14, if only because I'm not sure I can M.
  18. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Wife and I had sex date. Everything worked great! Erection from making out, stayed pretty hard. O'd in a reasonable amount of time, not too quick not no DE.
    Bad news is that foot is injured. Icing and working on my calf, which, if this is the same thing I've had in the past, is the source of the problem. I'll bike in a bit when it warms up. I don't get the same benefits from riding, but it's better than nothing. I'm sitting down to work in the meantime. Hopefully, I can make some progress.

    Moving through day 14.
    A New Man likes this.
  19. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Didn't fall asleep until almost mid-night. I didn't stretch yesterday, that was probably a factor. Also, have this strong feeling that there something very important that I'm forgetting.
    Got a good bike ride in and foot actually felt better after it. I guess gentle motion without impact helped. I was able to run for 15 minutes this morning. Foot was a little uncomfortable, but not too bad. We'll see how it feels this afternoon.
    The flip side of having a hard time getting to sleep is that I only woke up a couple of times. I didn't need any booze to get back to sleep. Alas, though, only weak erections both times.
    I was only a little tempted yesterday after having sex with my wife -so, on one hand, minimal chaser effect. On the other hand, this was because I really wasn't horny. I guess I'm still in semi-flat line. I guess that's part of the healing process. It's weird. I'm a little upset about something that's making recovery easier. It's not like I'm going to be having anyone proposition me - at least for a week and then only my wife - but there's this sort of instinctual impulse to want to be able to do it, to want to do it, if I were propositioned. Who knows....

    Anyway, not feeling tempted much at all as I begin day 15.
  20. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Mid-way through day 17. Doing OK. Fell asleep on the couch last night. Woke up at about 11:30. Went to bed and took zinc and melatonin then. Still woke back up at 1:30 and didn't get back to sleep until 3:30 - with the help of wine. This is too bad, as I'd fallen asleep after less than my usual bottle. I've been exhausted the last couple of days; I'm either fighting something off, or, I suppose not. Throat is sore. Monday I napped and then had a hard time going back to sleep. But I needed the nap. While I napped I dreamed about napping. That's how tired I was.

    No significant MW last 3 nights, I guess. Bah. Horny a little yesterday, and today. Not horny as in any physical manifestation, but definitely horny. In addition to the nap dream about napping, I've been dreaming consistently now for a while. My understanding is that this is a sign of recovery. Any feedback (as the thread is entitled) about this is welcome. It makes sense, but it'd be encouraging for me to hear other's experiences with this.

    I'm off today (tomorrow is T-giving here in US). A little tempted so I'm writing (bad stream of consciousness, sorry ) here instead. Plus just got back from day drinking with former colleague, who is pretty cute and funny and.... so I'm doubly tempted. I don't really have a crush on her, or, didn't when we worked together. But, today.... I don't know. She's pretty terrific. Obviously she's still off-limits. I love my wife, this other woman is 20 years (or so...) my junior. and she lives 3 states away.

    Also, my older boy is driving home from college right now. It's six hours. He's 21 and a pretty safe driver, but I still worry. That kind of anxiety is
    I'm going to go make pesto now, and, try to summon the strength to work.

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