Looking for feedback

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Doofus, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    I'm going to re-define my goals I think. As I noted above, I've been engaging in 'seeking behavior' for a while now. I don't know what impact that has on rebooting, but it can't be positive. I felt before that I was sleeping better because of no PMO (as I defined it). I'm not sleeping now. While I've been successfully having sex again, and, admittedly, that's huge, I'm not back to normal, I don't think. So, I'm going to try to up the terms of the Rx. I'm going to do my best to avoid anything online which is intended, primarily, to sexually arouse me. This will be as hard to do as it is to define. If I get back to where I want to be, then, as Toby Zeigler says in the West Wing pilot, lug wrenches will turn my mind to lust.
    I think that, for a while, at least, I'm going to try to use the internet only for work. I may watch something on netflix (West Wing for example.... ) to help me fall asleep, but I'm going to try to stay away from fb and no more searching for racy pics/movies. I've been rationalizing that if I'm not M to them and they're not extraordinarily provocative that they're not having a big affect on me. I'm not sure that's true. I'm going to take the next few days to see if there's a difference in some of the ways there ought to be differences: sleep, engagement with work, with other people, frequency of erections. I've been spending an hour or more altogether the last few days looking online for things which fall only technically outside my parameters of unacceptable behavior. I mean now to live the spirit of the law.
    Let's see.
  2. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Happy to report that I did a little better yesterday with the seeking behavior. I'm especially proud as I was really horny - probably from watching the couple movies from before (non P, but I will admit I chose them because they had some scantily clad women in them...). I hoped to arrange an afternoon with the wife but I couldn't get home from work before the boys. I did something I hadn't done in a long time - if ever. She didn't want to have sex with the boys home - she worries that they'll hear us (although, it's weird as, in the past, she sometimes didn't care). Anyway, I asked her for a handjob. I haven't been able to sleep lately and, I thought it might help. She did and it did.
    I feel ambivalent about doing that. We made out a little to help my erection, which was good - just took 2 or 3 minutes to develop. So, on one hand (no pun intended..) I think what I did was OK because it reinforced pathways which had to do with my wife. On the other hand, I feel a bit like I was using her to ..er... use. I wasn't horny because I was feeling so close to her, I was horny because, well... it had been a while (5 days, I guess) and because I had been looking at hot women the last few days.
    I know sex can be just sex, just a physical need. So, my concern isn't that exactly. And, I don't feel like I debased my wife or anything. I do plenty of things for her that I do only because she'd like me to. That's part of a relationship. I worry that having her do that, under those conditions may not be helping, may even be hurting my recovery. Technically speaking, I didn't M to P, but only technically. It involved my wife, but I wasn't aroused by her, for the most part.
    I guess the good news is that, with her, I was again able to achieve a full erection (or darn close, I came so fast I didn't have the time it takes these days to reach full, probably was over 90%, though - and I was on my way to full). which is something which has only happened with her over the last 7 weeks or so.

    Also, despite the stresses at work, and lack of sleep, I haven't suffered from much anxiety. I just got back from a run, although it was short, but I hadn't gone in a couple of days. It was also a victory because I didn't linger in bed unproductively surfing the web, as I have the last few nights when I was waking at 3. And I've been a bit better socially - although that wasn't one of my symptoms before.

    I still haven't done any research, though. Today. And I still haven't taken important steps to get on top of our finances. I will admit that facing that fills me with dread. I'm not suffering from anxiety, but only because I'm not facing some of my larger demons. And, I'm paying the bills, but that's about all I'm doing.

    So, a mixed bag, but I've reached day 37 holding to my original pledge: no hardcore and no M.
  3. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Yesterday was a pretty good day in terms of PMO. I felt no urge to look at hot women, or, provocative movies. And I didn't. Or, it would be more accurate to say I didn't seek them out. Also, took shower with wife. She has carpal tunnel or something right now, so, because we really can't do much else in the shower than get each other off manually (she won't do oral on me) I had to see to myself. As before, though, it was with her and it was after we were making out for a while.
    Erection was good. Not 12 o'clock good, but nearly so.
    I've been up since 4. No erection when I woke, but, this might be because I've had orgasms the last two days.
    I worked pretty steadily yesterday, but no research and no finance work. Ugh. Also, I drank too much wine last night, didn't run yesterday afternoon either. I'm hoping to get out the door in a little bit (if I can't go back to sleep, which I'm going to try to do after I finish typing this). So, as usual, a mixed bag in the make me better plan.
    I don't know if anyone is reading this, but in case there is, then let me say that I'm going to continue to write here even though it might seem I'm cured. I don't feel that I am. The seeking behavior the last week or two is proof of that, and, I'm still not entirely confident that I'm going to be up to the job. I'm not sure why I'm not, but I'm not. Until I am, I'm going to keep posting and working. Typing on here is part of that work - it takes the place of speaking to a therapist, I think, which is helpful.
    Starting Day 38.
  4. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Keep writing D; we're reading!
  5. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you, Son!

    Yesterday was tough in some ways. In the morning, the wife and I made out a bit. I was very aroused and wanted to take it further, but she said she wanted to get her day started; she was sorry, but I could take care of myself in the bathroom (there, since she had put new sheets down the night before..). I did as instructed. It took just a few seconds, and was -largely - mechanical. I think I had a feelting vision of the OW. Though it was unbidden, that fact made it seem more like an M session. My wife wanted me to help get the day started, too, and I couldn't well do that with my erection. So, that's why I gave in. I don't know where this falls, really, but, I'm going to call it as a non-violation since I had gotten going because of her and, even the vision I had while M was unbidden, brief, and of a real person. I thought about demurring, but I haven't talked to her about my no PMO. She'll probably figure it out eventually, but I really don't want to have that conversation with her. She's caught me a couple of times M to P. She was very upset. I really don't think she knows the scope of the problem.
    I'm not ready for her to.
    Last night, I had fallen asleep before her (she was downstairs watching Downtown Arby's or whatever...) She came up, lay on top of me and started kissing me. This woke me, I tried to respond to what I hoped was her attempt to start sex (maybe she was frustrated from the morning, maybe there was some hot guy on TV... I didn't care). Nope. Then, she wanted to spoon while we fell asleep, but not if I had an erection. Ugh. I mean WTF??

    Anyway, I've been tempted since. Mostly, I think, because, my little streak of having actual sex and using that as both a release and as a way of building better pathways in my brain seems in danger. I know it's been only a couple days, but it's been much longer since we had actual sex (9 days now, I think...). I know she's post menopausal, but she, for whatever reason, has historically gone long periods without sex - at least without sex with me. And for no reason, as far as I can tell(thus, my suspicions about her straying).

    This week is going to be another tough one at work. Long days of meetings, together with lots of other projects to complete. I spent most of the whole weekend just organizing the long list of things I need to do. Actually doing them??? I'm overwhelmed.

    Got a good run in yesterday - 90 minutes. This was good, but long runs, for whatever reason, always make me horny. Thus, yesterday was doubly difficult.

    Did a good job, too, in that I didn't seek out any provocative material.

  6. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    I'm in a bad mood. Woke up at 3:30. I tried to go back to sleep for about an hour and finally got up and got myself out the door for a run. The dog started barking, so I took him with me because otherwise he'll wake up the house, or, at a minimum, my wife. If she doesn't get enough sleep... that's really bad for everyone.
    Yesterday was a pretty good day. A little seeking behavior, and, I drank too much last night (I haven't really talked about my drinking habits yet. It's something I need to work on, but, getting clear of PMO is tough enough. One addiction at a time...)
    I'm really afraid my little college is going down. Not right away, but well before I retire. Enrollments, like our salaries, have flat lined the last 6 years and we're prinicpally a tuition funded school.
    I only engaged in a couple short episodes of looking for racy photos yesterday. So better than average, but not good, either. No P, no M, no O (sadly...). We'll see about the wife. Our work lives are hell, so I'm not too optimistic about getting together with her this week. You'd think that Friday would be a good chance, but historically, special occasions like that haven't panned out. She tends to over formalize and ritualize them - if that makes any sense. It drains all of the fun that might lead to something else. It makes me think about the OW, but that's also, probably, a dead end. She never initiates contact. There's a lot to say about that situation, or, about the fact that there's distressingly little to say. No, there's a lot to say, but I'm going to try to go back to sleep. An hour might make a big difference.
    I'll try to write more later.
    Day 40.
  7. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Deep breath. Now, please accept my congratulations on making it to day 40.
  8. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you, SonofJ! I made it through the day with only mild and quick lapses looking at pics of girls on fb. No P, no M. So, starting day 41. Not really tempted by P, but - again - I woke up at 3:30 and couldn't go back to sleep I wasn't productive, either. Ugh. Finally went out for a run. Did 30 minutes instead of my usual 15. I'm trying to ramp it up, but, when I'm so sleep deprived, it's very difficult to go out in the cold for a 90 minute run - which is what I'd like to start doing. I need to bear down, though. I think that I'm in a vicious cycle right now. I need to exercise more so that I can sleep better, but, because I'm not sleeping well, I'm not able to exercise more.
    Gonna try - probably in vain - to get a few minutes of sleep. More later.
  9. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Up at 3:30. as usual.

    I'm really tempted right now, so, I'll write instead. Combination of things:

    1. Watched part of a movie last night which was a really big trigger. At least what I watched wasn't even PG, but the subject matter was really pushing me in the wrong direction
    2. Striking out with wife. This in itself needs unpacking. While she's been indulging me the last month, it feels like that's all she's been doing. I guess I need to spend some time reading about menopause to find if this is a symptom. In the old days, if she didn't get off when we had sex, she'd be insistent soon after on getting some relief. I would think something similar would be happening now. Nope. While this is disappointing and... sad - I almost feel like it's understandable. The truth is I've been using her - especially the last two weeks or so. My arousal now is strictly genital (no more full body stuff that I talked about before) and doesn't really start with her though it ends with her. I had felt that all the sex we had been having was bringing us closer - and, it has - but, right now, for the first time in our marriage, I don't feel I'm in love with her. Even when I was cheating on her, I felt sure I was in love with her still. I've long felt she wasn't in love with me. But it was more of a suspicion, or, merely a fear. Now, I feel certain of it.
    3. The OW: I feel really confused, manipulated and rejected, somehow. We could have spent more time - even if was non-sexual - at the conference. We had dinner but it was weird. I don't know if I'm ready to write in detail about this yet. I'm afraid once I start, I won't be able to stop. I would write a novel
    4. Work. I'm increasingly convinced that my college is in much bigger trouble than anyone is letting on.
    5. My younger son is dead square in the middle of adolescent angst/hating me and the world. My older boy is largely out it, but he pays visits often enough.
    All this adds up to me feeling that I'm at a dead end in my life - personally, professionally. In every way. I stayed in my marriage, even though I had fallen in love with OW because of the boys. I had many friends whose parents split when they (my friends) were just the age my children are now. Screwed them up big time. Regardless of their age, though, children, I believe, do better when they are raised by their parents. Anyway, when parenting gets difficult, I start to think - I sacrificed my chance at romantic happiness for this?!
    I am - even apart from my addiction, I think - a very sexual person. It's part of who I am. The situation with OW and my wife combined with my age, makes me feel like not only have I wasted my prime years, but what years I have left of sexual vitality - of vitality period - are also going be unfulfilling. I'm gong to try to run out the clock at my job(s), too busy to do anything great, making too little money to afford to retire comfortably, having little to no romantic or sexual fulfillment.... and sticking to this no PMO pledge just so that... what?! So I don't experience ED or PE again?? So what?? For whom?
    I guess if avoiding PMO was still allowing me to sleep better and making me feel more clearheaded, I'd still see the justification. But, those benefits seem to have disappeared. I am less anxious, and that, by itself will probably sustain me. But the fear of having no outlet, or no satisfying outlet, of being surrounded by temptation (even movies which are not supposed to be triggers) is weakening my resolve.
    On the other hand, I know from my days as a competitive athlete, that the people who overcome these moments who feel like they're lost in the desert without hope of rescue, who persevere and who force themselves over the next dune are the ones who make it out The ones who live.

    Day 42.
  10. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    That is a lot of stress sir. It is not a wonder that your thoughts are leaning toward that thing you do; that thing that you think will at least remove you from the stress for a little while.

    You know why that won't work though, don't you? The burden of falling back into the pit that brought you here, will add even more stress to your life.

    As you pull away from PMO, the fog will slowly dissipate, and your brain will start to gain focus. When that happens, you'll be far better equipped to make big decisions than you are right now, because you'll see things for what they are. Trust me, many of the things you're bringing up have gone through my mind; a couple hit very close to home with me.

    The worst time to make a big decision is when you're at your worst.

    PMO may not be causing all your stresses right now, but it weakens your resolve in the face of them.

    Don't let it.
  11. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you for your support, SonofJack. It's much appreciated.

    I made it through day 42.

    Day 43(todoay) Woke at 3:30. Can't go back to sleep. It's like the Amityville Horror...

    I think I may have been overly dramatic yesterday. I do love my wife. And she probably loves me, too - after a fashion. She ended up servicing me (made out a little, and then, because of all her physical problems/hang ups I finished, but with her there). That's a form of love. I just wish she wanted me. The fact that she doesn't - hasn't - is what precipitates my doubt.
    I'm writing about this, because I'm trying to understand my addiction. It developed, I think, out of sexual frustration. At first, PMO was a way to help even things out. But, eventually, it took over. Partly because it provided the variety we all naturally crave and partly because of this self-perpetuating cycle where the less I tried with her the less she tried with me. She never initiated, the weeks turned into months, the stress of the rest of our lives caused other difficulties between us which made it harder to get romantic and so on. Excepting the last 2 months or so, we'd only had sex a few times in the last 4 years. And when we did it was never very good.
    More later.
  12. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Made it through day 43. Barely. I don't know if this is progress or not, but, for the first time since this odyssey began, I got a full erection from a movie scene. That hasn't happened since before Christmas. The good news was that no M no O and I actually had sex with the wife today. Actual sex. I don't think she wanted to much, but she was willing, so...

    I've been thinking a lot about the distinction between 1.making love, 2.having sex, 3. relieving built up naturally occurring sexual frustration and 4. inducing sexual arousal to dull other feelings. Obviously (I think) these are not discrete - there's plenty of intersection - and they exist on a continuum of some kind (maybe a Klein bottle...) Anyway, as I've admitted before, I haven't been completely clean. What I mean is that I've been spending some time in 4, I'm afraid, even though, technically, I haven't been violating my no PMO pledge. I think this fact makes it more difficult to gain clarity about my marriage, the OW, and my sexual desire. This is compounded by the fact that I think YBOP is right in that if I don't reward 4 with M and or O, I'm making progress toward breaking my addiction. As well, gettting off with my wife is necessary for me to reestablish better neural paths. It's working so far, but I worry about whether motives matter. The ideal would be to only spend time making love, but A. that's unrealistic, I think; we're animals and B. I can't get there with my wife until we feel closer, and, having all this sex/relieving my sexual frustration is improving our relationship. I'm pretty sure it is anyway... A lot of romanitc attachment is physical, sub conscious. I think. We're built to bond emotionally with those whom we spend a lot of time in physical contact with.

    Anyway, these are some of my ramblings. I was in a bad place the last few days. Just wanted to let anyone who reads my journal know that, at least in the limited way I've defined, I have remained on the wagon.

    On to day 44.
  13. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    OK, so the family is at church which lasts several hours. I don't go, because, as doc holliday says in tombstone 'my hypocrisy only extends so far'. But I'm here, alone, was watching the Olympics and trying to work and, really want to use (some triggers on TV, this was when I really indulged in the past, there's a bunch of work I need to do that I am kind of dreading etc.) So, I thought I'd write on here instead.
    I've been doing better at resisting the temptation to seek out stimulating photos or movies, but, what I'm noticing is that the better I am about this, the lower the bar gets for what is stimulating.

    Possible Trigger alert:

    This morning, for example, I was watching Olympic Hockey Great. But then the coverage turned to ice dancing and 'Pow'! I guess I'm getting to be both old and dirty. One nice thing about porn use was that I wasn't aroused by the sight of just a little young skin. Or maybe the women are a lot more beautiful than in past years. Gosh...

    Another factor, I must admit, is that, though I'm having sex again with my wife, I know she's indulging me. She doesn't know about this whole porn reboot thing., although, I would think she must be suspicious. Maybe.... She lives in her head almost exclusively. One good thing - and bad thing - for our relationship is that she is not the stereotypical woman who wants to talk about our relationship all the time. Just the opposite. I don't think this is a conscious decision. She spends most of her time and energy thinking about and analyzing herself. Our relationship was a box she checked off a long time ago. Other than ruing the fact that she married an atheist who doesn't earn a lot of money and is insufficient at household tasks, I don't think she thinks much about our marriage. (Wow, sorry for the stream of consciousness, there...)
    I'd like to be having sex with someone who wants to have sex with me. I think my ambivalence about her and my interludes is due to that. It makes it feel only slightly different from what I'd been doing with PMO. Though my ED problems have likely been solved, I don't think I have gained any clarity about sex, except that, still at my age, it is a powerful biological (mostly...) drive.
    What I can't believe is that it is good - even from an evolutionary point of view - to want sex this much. It can be debilitating. Which makes me think that it's not all biological and that I have a way to go in beating my addiction. Reading the stories on here is enormously helpful in that I realize I'm not alone. It's a little discouraging, too, in that, I realize that I'm not alone; this problem is so common that it must be something inherent to the make-up of men (although not women, it seems.... I'd like to write about this more on a different occasion: Why the heck don't women get hooked on porn?)
    Anyway, so begins day 45.
  14. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Work has been ridiculous the last couple of days. The next few are not any better. I thought I'd check in quick, though.

    Took a quarter sleeping pill last night. Managed to sleep until 5 instead of 3:30, so that was good.

    Haven't looked at hardcore, or masturbated. So, this is day 48. I've been pretty tempted, though.

    OK. Back to work.
  15. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Well, the streak ended yesterday at 51. I'm not too upset about it. In fact, as I'll explain below, I'm actually happy about it. Maybe I'm rationalizing. I'll let you all be the judge:
    So, why did I relapse? It was a combination of things - a chaser effect from having really good sex with the wife yesterday, the stress of work, especially of work this last week, a really depressing interaction with the OW, and, finally, the fact that I was able to.
    The sex with the wife was good because, for the first time in a while, she was into it. This was also bad for my sobriety in that, like most people, I find my partner's arousal to be arousing. I think it's more arousing for me than most. One of the things I looked for when I used to search for P was that - videos in which the woman was actually aroused and actually got off. That almost never failed to do the same for me. It's been a while since I didn't feel like my wife was just servicing me. The contrast was powerfully affecting. The chaser effect...
    Work: I put in probably 90 hours at work M-F, and I only fell further behind. The discouraging thing is that none of it really matters, or, it matters only in that if what I've been doing is effective it will only serve to prevent things from getting worse. I won't be personally rewarded. In fact, one of the most discpiriting things about where I work is that there seems to be no connection between work and reward. More broadly, I feel like the proverbial hamster on the wheel. In a cage. I'd always dismissed that metaphor as a cliche. I'm feeling the meaning of it deeply now, however. I work hard and I'm not going anywhere, let alone where I want to go. On the plus side, yesterday I did some research. I've had a number of inspirations this week. One of the specific frustrations I have is that my administrative responsibilites prevent me from doing any research. I've decided that I'm not going to let that be the case anymore. Even if it means that I suck (even more than I do anyway...) in other aspects of my job. I'm almost 50. I need to do those things that when I'm retired will make me feel proud of my career while I still can. I don't have much time left. Anyway, the stress and exhaustion and discouragement (I P'd before I did research, falling off the wagon was one of the inducements to make time to do so. So, it was also good in a way)
    The OW: Man... I need to write about this, but now that I am, it feels overwhelming. The saga of the OW and me has been going on, if I'm honest with myself, for 5 years now. I"m going to write a whole bunch about this, because I think it might help. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this. I'm hoping that writing it down will help me gain some perspective and peace about it. Anyway, I'm going to separate it out so, if you don't want to read this whole saga you know what to skip.
    Begin saga:

    It's hard to believe that it's been almost 6 weeks since I saw her at the conference. I was there to interview candidates for an open position where I work. Up until a couple of weeks before she had been one of those candidates. A little history: We had our thing a little over three years ago. We only got together a few times, before it was clear that it wasn't what we said it was going to be
    what we had at least said it was going to be - sort of a fwb. We were in love. I ended it because I didn't want her to get hurt I didn't want to get hurt, and, most importantly, I didn't want my children to get hurt. And that was where it was headed. Rapidly. Because of how we felt, though, I was very ambivalent about ending it. She and I would occasionally reach out, agree to get to together, and, every time, she or I would chicken out/come to our senses. Mostly she would ask to get together and mostly she would come to her senses. Anyway, that stopped at some point; she wasn't as interested in chatting. As it turns out, she had met someone. Eventually she asked me to stop talking to her entirely - it was too confusing for her, I guess. Eventually we did get back in contact. Last summer she asked to meet up. She was moving away. I also think, looking back now, that her relationship with that guy was starting to wind down. We had lunch near where I work and ended up going back to my office (where we had met for our trysts before). I think maybe she wanted closure. We had just started talking, we both admitted that our feelings hadn't died and she started crying and ran out of the office. Later she said she wanted to get together again before she moved. That never happened. She moved, my bosses finally agreed we needed another person in my department. Given her inability to be in the same room with me I decided not to let her know I didn't think it would matter I didn't think she'd apply. Plus, I'd be her boss if she worked here. It all seemed like a recipe for disaster. Anyway, in November I let her know that I'd be at the conference and why. I knew she was going to be there, and I didn't want it to be weird when if we ran into each other. It was, virtually, the first contact we'd had since she ran out of my office five months before. She immediately expressed interest in applying. She didn't commit to being a candidate right away, but, eventually she did. She had said that she was going to think about it. Because of everything I couldn't believe that she did apply. Anyway, once she did I asked to meet for lunch at the end of December. We met. after lunch she asked me if she worked here, how long I thought it would take before she and I slept together again. I said, as long as she was a candidate, I really couldn't discuss anything about 'us' but that if she worked here the one certain thing was that we wouldn't be having sex. It's one of the few ways I could be fired, and, it could ruin her career, too. A week later, she withdrew her application. There were other reasons, I think (I hope...). The pay here is lousy compared to her current position. Anyway, she said that this meant, though that we could hang out and get drunk at the conference now. At the conference, though, she avoided me. Even the dinner was difficult to arrange. And it ended approximately the same way our meeting the previous summer had: she ran off (after paying, but still..) She said "I need to do the reasonable thing here" and left without even saying goodbye.
    Since then, we've communicated a little. I tried to talk to her about what happened, but she hasn't really bitten. I get only brief noncomittal replies back when we text or chat. I've given up trying to talk about it. 3 weeks ago I tried to chat her up but she said she was in a really bad mood. I somehow knew it must be that she had broken up with her bf. A fact that she confirmed last week. I also think she has someone new. This is what has me upset. Which I know is completely unreasonable. At dinner at the conference, I asked her when I could see her again. She said spring break. I asked her yesterday when we chatted when that would be. She said she's going on a drinking trip with a colleague. This should be fine. He'll just be another in a long line of guys she gets together with for 2-3 years before finding somebody else. That fact was one reason I never seriously considered leaving my wife for her. 3 years later, I'd most likely be dumped by her and hated by my children. Anyway, I have no right to be jealous or feel rejected. But I do. Like 3 years ago, her responses while chatting are short and unrevealing. I'm afraid I'm not far away from being asked to leave her life again. Given how guarded she is, and how it's always me now initiating contact, I don't see why it should matter. I think, too, that I'm depressed because her patter with bf's is, I believe, is largely true of most women and largely biological. Men and women's mating strategies are different. Men are polygamous but their attachments (such as they are) endure Women are serially monogamous. Even if they stay in a relationship longer, their sexual passion is likely to be gone - never to return. At least in that same way again. I got 3 years with my wife. The last 20 have just been epilogue. This was punctuated by my wife's comment after we made out yesterday morning that she was really surprised by how into it she was. She's always been the mater of pillow talk... Anyway if you read all of this - and I hope you didn't, it's not well written - thank you. There's lots more to say, most of it depressing. I guess I understand that she doesn't want to get hurt again (she was very very upset when I ended our affair - to the extent that I actually did... reading this now, I realize that, in many ways, it's not over). Every time we get together she says in every case, unbidden, something about how much she still wants me. I'd like that to be proven, I guess. She's depressingly good at running away from what she says she wants.

    end saga (for now...)

    The last factor was that one of the benchmarks, for me, in this reboot was gaining a full erection by just thinking about sex again. Or, even looking at sexy pictures or a racy movie (I am still avoiding porn). That happened for me yesterday. I was thinking about the nature of men and women and my specific situation and I started recalling trysts I'd had and... boom! There it was. I was feeling weak told myself that eventually, probably, I was going to have take responsibility for my own O's anyway, and, 5 seconds of manual stimulation later, I'd broken my streak.

    So far, there doesn't seem to be any dire consequences. I tried with the wife again this morning. Just snuggling got me hard. It also got me rejected. But I didn't do anything about my aroused state and, as I type this the erection is gone.

    I'm going to try to get out the door for a long run while the family is at church. Thanks to anyone who's reading this.
  16. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Well, I made it through yesterday without PMO. Or O... So, I guess, day 1. I woke at 2 am, though and I haven't been able to get back to sleep. So, I'll post on here.

    One thought I had, reading some other journals: Eating disorders have a depressingly resistant recidivism rate. This is because eating is necessary to live. It's not like alcohol or heroin or other drug addictions. You can't go cold turkey from food, and, for those with eating disorders, food, though not really the cause, is the problem. I think sex disorders are similar. I know many don't agree, but sex is why we're here. Animals are kind of a delivery vehicle for genetic information. Unlike food, not having sex willl not kill you, but it's otherwise no less difficult to go without. I think that's why the recidivism rate here is so high. This includes my own failure Saturday. And it includes my 'success' up until that point which was only possible because I was using my wife as an outlet.
    In fact, I wonder to what extent any view of sex which imagines it is anything other than the scratching of a biolgical itch, is a harmful sentimentalization of it. Is romantic love anything other than a dopamine rush?

    I'm going to try to go back to sleep for a bit. More later.
  17. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, I'm back and looking for support. I imagine that as I diary here, an fuller account of how the last 4+ years have gone, but, suffice to say that my PIED was 'cured' and, eventually, I started using again. Started to have difficulty getting it up to porn in August. Started a reboot about late August. And mid-September. And early October.... So I'm here because writing here and reading others helped tremendously last time.

    My current PMO streak is ... I'm not sure, but something on the order of 20-25 days. My no P streak is, depending on how one defines P (Potter Stewart here?) it might be a few days or it might be just one - or none; lots of racy ads pop up on other pages I visit.

    The good news is that, as before, I am OK with my wife. I'll get into this more later, but in anticipation of our anniversary in the beginning of August, I made a big stink about our sex-less marriage. We hadn't had sexual contact of any kind - other than quick kisses hello or goodbye - for a year. And the last time had been our anniversary last year which felt very much pro-forma to me.

    So, the last few months we've been managing once or twice/week only on weekends and very quick. This past weekend, I achieved O with her but I was pretty far from a full erection. The weekend prior I had had a full erection and everything was fine. PIV is impossible - or, at least, prohibitively painful - since she's many years post-menopause and she is now suffering from some kind of un/mis-diagnosed rheumatoid condition for which she's been on prednisone - sometimes high doses - for the last 15 months. So, it's just dry humping.

    More soon, but I wanted to get the ball rolling here - I've been putting off posting on here for a couple of months now- not sure why.

    My goal is to not only not PMO but to wean myself off of all racy movies or movies of a particular type which, though not explicit, have been triggers for me. I'm also a bit afraid to M since when I have the last few months, I haven't always been successful in getting an erection, which is very distressing. I'm going to try to go the standard 90 days for a reboot. Hopefully that will be sufficient to get me back up and running and I won't have to worry about the reinforcing consequences of failing to get hard.

    So, because I've been watching a LOT of those non-explicit and explicity triggering movies, I'm counting this as day 1.

    Thanks to those who have read this.
  18. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Greetings sir. And all the best you.
    P substitutes are a trigger for me as well.
    I find a good lube works well for dryness.
  19. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    OK. So, either not much to say, or, too much to say.

    Anyway, if Monday was day one, I'm now through most of day 3 without PMO, or, the triggering movies - which I'll write about later when I have more time. Going for a run. More soon.
  20. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Encouraging sign: Had MW when I woke up - not full on, but that's the first time in weeks (since before I was watching the triggering videos). Mid-way through day 4.
    Boxer17 likes this.

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