Looking for feedback

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Doofus, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member


    Woke up with hard on last night and this was after having an orgasm with wife. Given that I'm limiting my sexual release to her, and given how frakking horny I've been lately, I was more persistent in trying to get her in the mood than I have been in the past. Because of the kids we had to go downstairs and in the end, were limited to making out and me getting myself off (she has arm and hand problems right now and has never done oral...) Anyway, I think my hard on was better than it's been since before this all started but, as before, it took a while to get there (not super long, maybe 4 or 5 minutes of making out). My erection was still not at 100%, either but it was pretty close.
    I pressed my case with my wife a little, I must admit, because I nearly relapsed yesterday. I think because of my past internet behavior, I get a lot of 'hot girls' ads on my facebook page. I logged in yesterday during lunch and ended up looking at those women more than I should be. I wouldn't classify the pictures - and they weren't videos - as 'porn' exactly, but they were pretty close. I didn't M, but I very close to doing so, just because I was so wound up - although, interestingly, not hard at all. I don't even know if I can M without a real woman right now. I guess that's good and bad.
    I actually wandered into another subforum here - the success stories and I spent a bit of time reading the thread about how high the recidivism rate is here. I have to say that if I was going strictly no PMO - especially the no O part - I would have absolutely failed long ago. Now, I'm not that far into it (22 days) but I'm optimistic that, as long as I have some means of getting off (sex with wife, eg) I can make it without porn.
    I really don't think humans are meant to go without Orgasms for such extended period of times - the existence of wet dreams, I think, attests to that.

    As usual, thanks to anyone reading, feedback - as my title suggests - is always welcome
  2. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Hey D, the point of most on here is to stop their porn habits. When I signed up many months ago, it was because I believed that my problem was with masturbation; as in, too much of it. The YBOP info steered me toward my concerns of ED, and suddenly a light went off! The concept of my brain being stuck in a feedback loop where was becoming dependant on Internet Porn. When I used to view Playboy as a kid, it was not with the expressed desire to M to it, just to enjoy the view. It is really clear to me that Internet pornography is something I do not have much resistance to, and the physical stuff that accompanied it was literally making my body, and my spirit sick.

    It sounds like the relationship with your wife is very close. She can find ways to help you get to what you want, and still be part of it all. If you're doing it together, willingly, then you are simply having sexual relations with the woman you love.

    Stay the course. As long as you are living in each other's worlds, and staying away from the poisonous effects of P, you are truly evolving!
  3. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Mostly good news. Very successful sex with wife in the middle of the night last night. Like erection at high noon successful! The bad part was that I felt like I was going to cum right away - so I stopped myself and then after getting her off a few times, was unable to cum myself. I think I"m still a little nervous about not using a condom. She's 50, and hasn't had a period in a year, but I've heard stories... Anyway, I ended up getting myself off - with her kissing me , so I think it doesn't count as M - but while I was doing it I ended up picturing a porn actress. Ugh. So, as I say, mostly good, but a little distressing, too.

    The good erection was surprising in a way, I had fallen asleep on the chair downstairs and sh on the couch while we were watching TV. I came up to bed first and when I went to the bathroom, I was afraid I was back to a flatline. So, when she came up and snuggled a bit I was surprised by my reaction.

    I have to say the sex has been really great, too. I've been more aggressive, which it turns out she really likes - years ago she told me she didn't.
    Also, my anxiety has still been very very low compared to the last few years. Is this a consequence of my no PM and MO? On the other hand, I've been feeling quite sad often, in a way I haven't since I was a teenager. Maybe hormones are re-aligning somehow. I'm also exercising more than I have in a while.

    Thanks for the reply and the support, by the way. I have to say that, so far, I'm regarding myself as a success story. I know I'm still less than 30 days into this, and I'm feeling pretty tempted right now (why I"m writing here...). Especially because, in spite of the improvement on the sex-front with the wife, we're still fighting quite a bit. For example the last few hours. That makes me both sad and despondent about having an O with her in the near future. I know this is still diseased thinking. So, though I've improved physically - everything is working again for the most part- I'm still not out of the woods.
  4. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Great that you are enjoying intimacy with your beloved.

    Maybe , what would help with the fighting or arguing is more non-sexual physical bonding. My wife and I snuggle, hug, hand hold, kiss , spoon (non-sexual), gentle touch and all that without edging or seeking sex necessarily. This helps keep us physically and mentally and spiritually connected I find.

    The arguments can be a result of post orgasm neurochemical hangover or chaser. Lots to be read on that at yourbrainonporn.com or reuniting.info a sister site run by Gary W's wife Marnia. They propose that couple's can be bitchy with each other post orgasm as the dopamine, seratonin etc. does it's thing and then as the brain regulates back to balanced levels? Food for thought. I have noticed some of this myself. I still love having sex with my wife and still want to enjoy O's just interesting to at least be aware of this.

    here are a few of the many writings on this..

    there are many of these, related to not focusing on orgasm as the main goal in intimacy, quite interesting and might take the fear of pregnancy out of the equation.

    My wife has only has a small period in the last year so we are kind of concerned about where that leaves things... protection wise.
  5. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thaks for the links!

    Well, sex on Sunday with the wife - really great from my end. Strong erection, I didn't cum too quickly.

    She made a comment before we started, though. She said 'we're just having sex so you can prove to yourself you're still working properly'. This was a little hurtful, but, probably true. I thought about it after we had sex, and I told her I'd back off. She seemed relieved.
    I can't remember if I mentioned tihs upstream but starting in November - over TDay holiday - when we had sex for the first time in like 5 months she was and has been completely dry. She's going through or has gone through menopause. I know this is likely why, but combined with the fact that she's never initiates I've been feeling pretty bad. We've been using some sort of lube (she bought). It works pretty well, but I can't help but think now that she's not turned on really. She says she is, and I think she's enjoying herself; I've been with her long enough to know if she's really cumming or not. I think.... She didn't on Sunday, even though I was giving her oral for a long time.

    Anyway, on the positive side, I haven't MO'd the last 48 hours even though I had one of the worst days I've ever had at work. I wasn't fired, but it was nearly that bad.

    Actually, I'm so upset about it that the horniness is gone. So I don't know if that's a good or bad thing but, given I've decided to stop using my wife for a daily outlet (and to be honest, that's what I was doing to a certain extent) I guess being less horny is a good thing.

    I can't help but think that - essentially - I'm cured of ED now. But then I start to think, well, that means I can go back to my old PMO habits.... I'm going to resist that kind of rationalization.
  6. Mart71

    Mart71 Guest

    Yeeeeaaahhhhhhhh..... Don't.

    It just means, you have weakened the PMO pathways in your mind. If you go back to porn, your problems with P will come raging back.

    Anyway, glad your ED problems seem to be solved.
  7. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member


    Ended up having sex with wife this morning. Brought her coffee, toast and news that she didn't have to go in to work today. The rest naturally followed. I think she enjoyed it, but no O for her. I was back to being really really horny and enjoyed it immensely.
    Has anyone else had this experience when rewiring? I feel like I"m back to being 15. It feels good for the most part to be filled with desire - but it's also on the verge, sometimes, of being debilitating. Am I not over my addiction? Will this even out? Man....

    Anyway, no P or MO without a partner for another day - I think this is 26.
  8. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Good you are rewiring to your real life lady... your wife, this is a bif part of rebalancing... You Brain Rebalanced.
  9. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member


    Work is really sucking right now. I've been up since 2, watching movie trailers, some of which have sexy scenes, I'm seeking them out a little to be honest. Again, not really porn, and, no M, but definitely trying to dull some bad feelings by looking at sexy women. Ugh. I"m going to write on here instead.

    Since this issue at work arose, my horniness has died. That's only been a couple of days. I'm not flatlining - at least like before, where I was all shriveled and felt nothing but a tingling - but it's a little anxiety provoking to not be horny. I've been relying on the idea that if I don't M to P that I will get better. And it's been working, I think. But now I"m a bit worried that I have been naive and that I've only been enjoying an up period in my recovery an that, now, I'm headed toward a down and that that's because, while I haven't been watching hardcore, I have been watching or looking at things intended to arouse and while I haven't been M doing that is reinforcing those old pathways, still. On the other hand, whether or not I'm consciously or uncounsciously seeking that stuff out, I'm coming to realize that they're almost impossible to avoid. Sex is everywhere in the media. And, I don't think that I have to avoid sex or arousal, but I'm worried that I'm slowing my recovery by not abstaining completely from behavior which in any way reinforces those old PMO pathways.


    I'm probably letting the crap from work bleed into my work on my recovery.

    I really need to find another job, I think. I worry though that I'm now too old... Has anyone else done a successful job search at 50? I know the answer is yes, but I can't help but feel that I'm on the wrong side of the age line. At a minimum it's going to be much harder than it was 10 years ago - or even 5.

    As usual, thanks to anyone reading this, I'm sure incoherent ramble. I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow and better still the day after that. Writing this down seems to help. Maybe I'll even be able to sleep now....
  10. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    For what it's worth D, I made a full career change at age 50. My previous employer was a rabid agist, who began attacking my work, my character and my motivation the day after my 50th birthday. I spent many months talking to friends, family and ex-colleagues about what they thought my skill sets were. It was exasperating. There were many times when I was so discouraged that I could have just quit, but 50 is just far too young to be washed up.

    When it finally became clear that I had transferable skills that were worth sharing, I re-enrolled to finish my University (I was, way way short of getting my degree back in the day, by about 3 years!). I created a network that could assist me into the new field, and I began picking up small part time work in that industry. At first, I sucked pretty badly, but at 50 we have the wisdom of a person for whom failure is not an option. I worked incessantly, finished the degree in 2 years (with distinction, a far cry from my previous effort), and when the db employer finally pulled the plug on me, walked out of that situation, and into the next.

    It was a bit of a struggle at first, but I'm thriving now, and feel like a 24 year old again. I work with people who are younger, more talented, and far better educated than me, but not one of them can outwork me.

    50 is young; I may slow down some day though. 80 is looking like a good time to semi-retire.
  11. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you, Son. I like what I do, but I'm worried both about the fact that my boss seems out to get me, and the fact that where I work may be in big trouble. Getting another job, though would require moving and I have a son who is a junior in high school and pretty happy. I was offered a better job last summer, but turned it down because the family was so against the move.

    Ugh.... I know this is not a career advice website. I'll try to keep my discussion of my idiot boss to a minimum.

    On the ed front everything still going well. Hugged the wife a little yesterday morning and had a full on hard on. It didn't develop immediately, in fact she went downstairs to make coffee. When she came back she noticed (it was hard not to) and was willing to indulge me.

    So in terms of ed and in terms of rewiring that's good, but I can tell she kind of serviced me. I think she enjoyed it but even with the lube she didn't warm up enough for me to go in too far.
    On the other hand, while it seemed to be principally about me, she was in a better mood afterward and it felt like we were closer. In fact all the sex, regardless of how into it she's been has been helping our relationship considerably. Women will often say that they lose interest in sex because they no longer feel close to their partner. My experience seems to support the argument that the converse is true. Personally, I think that women crave variety just as men do. Anyway...

    So far so good. Roughly day 29 without masturbating to porn.
  12. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, the wife and I had a date night of sorts last night - no action. Find out this morning wife has yeast infection and that was why. Yesterday was another discouraging day at work.

    I definitely want to use. Stumbled on a music video and it got me searching for other things... bah. In my defense, although I went looking for other pictures of the woman in the video, I neither went to any hardcore sites nor masturbated, but I'm thinking about doing both. I can definitely see I'm not over the habit of using PMO to anesthesize myself, to feel better. I went for a run(short, I've been nursing a strained hamstring this week) and that helped a little. I thought I'd write on here, too in the hope that that would help me resist.

    I need to reorganize my life. I"m thinking about resigning my administrative position as that is the source of my difficulties (I'm a chair of a department at a college; I have tenure, if anyone is curious, so I really can't be fired, but I"m constantly butting heads with my dean. ) However, if I can hang on, I can more credibly apply for similar administrative positions at other places next year. The theory is that I'll have a better chance of getting a position like that at my age than a plain old academic appointment. Plus the pay would be better (I don't get paid extra here for being chair - which is part of my frustration; it's a lot of extra work).

    It's comforting, by the way, to see how many other men have fallen into the trap of using PMO to make themselves feel better about non-sexual things. It makes me feel less like a freak. I think it's easy to fall into that trap, because our sex drive is normal, healthy and, I think, for good health requires some release sometimes. I guess it's like other drugs that way - especially alcohol. It's ubiquitous but if used responsibly it's basically harmless. It's very hard to tell what 'responsibly' means, though, until it's too late - you get in a car accident, you lose your job, you make an idiot out of yourself..... you lose your ability to have sex at all.

    Anyway, for now, the wife is no longer an option for an O, and that means I don't have any. Aaargh!

    Luckily the last few times I tried to use P (back in December) it didn't work. So, now that's my association with it. That makes avoiding it easier. M on the other hand (pun not intended) has worked, but I've limited it to when I was also with my wife and it wasn't necessary to cum. So I have recent pleasurable associations with it. I think that's going to be the bigger challenge to avoid.

    In other news, because of work I've had two nights with little sleep. I'm still not as anxiety ridden as I was back in November and December but so maybe abstaining is still helping with my mental health. I've actually been finding a little humor in the whole situation; it's just so ridiculous.

    And though I've been surfing hot looking women a little, the good news is that women in clothes are turning me on again. That hasn't been true for a long time, now. They're still not giving me an erection but there's definitely some movement. Maybe that's normal for my age, and, probably, good. The other morning when I had the erection, it was very very obvious. I'm remembering when that was more common for me; that was no fun, trying to figure out how to hide it when it happened in public.


    I have a ton of work to do. I guess I should get to it - that will help me avoid relapsing. Day 30.
  13. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    I suppose I can claim day 30. I didn't watch any hardcore, and I didn't masturbate, but that's about all I can claim. Hopefully that's enough.

    I spent an embarrassing amount of time looking at pictures of hot women online. Not like hours, but 10 minutes here 10 minutes there. Ugh. Stress, inability to exercise and worrying about having no outlet for my horniness weakened my resolve

    I had the tingling in the tip of my penis again. Weird. I was wearing those running pants all day, though. I still think that might be a factor. Who knows?

    Just woke up a little bit ago and had a hard on. Maybe 80%. I think, because I had to pee - it went away after I did. Night before last I had a series of sexy dreams. I didn't wake up, though, so I don't know what physical affect they had. I don't remember what they were about now, either.

    While I've been able to have sex with my wife, I don't feel completely cured anymore. When I was looking at the pics yesterday, I was getting stirrings but no erection. Again, maybe that's a function of age, but I'd like my penis to react in the same way to the same things it used to before porn. I've made a lot of progress I think, but, I still have some distance to go.

    Anyway, I'm going to shoot for 90 days of, at least, no M if it's not with a real person, and no P (excluding pics of women intended to arouse - those are impossible to avoid)
  14. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, had sex with wife this morning. Good erection. Came too fast, though. I think it's partially the fact that we're not using condoms anymore and partially the KY that she uses - I hadn't thought of the KY before.

    I had watched a movie with a sex scene in it this morning and while I was waiting for her to go to the bathroom before we were going to make out, I was a little anxious and replaying the scene in my head to get going. I was anxious because of the tingling I was (re) experiencing yesterday and the fact that looking at the pictures wasn't giving me an erection. I was afraid I was going back into a flatlline. Nope. I'm OK, but I am further resolved that I'm not going to allow myself to waste time like that again. I'm feeling anxious and anti-social again and, together with the tingling, I think that my semi-relapse yesterday is the cause.

    I've got to get back on top of work - my wife, as it turns out - had a really hellish week at one of her jobs, as well - like she made a mistake, which is, essentially, the same mistake that got her predecessor fired. Eeek! I told her not to worry, and, really, I think that guy got fired for a whole host of other reasons, including that my wife is much better at her job than he was, as evidenced by the fact that this is her first mistake in 2 years at that job. Still....

    I need to get creative about my career. I definitely believe I have options. I just need to get serious about exploring them. Excelsior!
  15. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thought I'd check in:

    Can't sleep. Mostly because wife can't. She's very worried about losing her job. I've been trying to be supportive. I've told her that I understand why she's nervous but I think she's wrong. One mistake (and it's not clear yet that she really did make a mistake) in 2 years shouldn't get somebody fired. She's very good at hiding things, though; I"m afraid she isn't telling me everything. She seemed very upset on Saturday and I asked her about it. She told me that our property manager had told us we had a big repair to do on our rental. I asked her specifically if there was anything else anything to do with her work. 'No'. Now that I'm writing this, I realize I'm pissed about this. I know she's ashamed - if she does lose this job it would be the third time she was fired in the last 4 years - but if I ask specifically she should tell me.... This is on top of my son lying about school work he had to do so he could go hang out with his friends. Gregory House is right: Everybody lies. Or at least my family does to me.

    This all plays into my suspicion that my wife hasn't been faithful to me (Of course, I haven't been faithful to her...). We have gone long stretches (months) without sex. If I weren't pushing things now, we wouldn't be. I'm afraid she's been indulging me now because she feels guilty about - again - having trouble at work. Of course, so am I. But I am because I'm fighting my boss and I'm doing that only because I can't be fired for doing so (I only started being a pain in the ass after I got tenure) Anyway, she has often runs errands that take an inordinate amount of time almost always in the late afternoon. A couple years ago it came out that she was cheating on me before we were married. She dismissed it blithely saying 'we weren't married yet' I didn't press her for details, we're 20 years in, I've cheated on her twice since we've been married and we have children who are at the worst possible age for divorce.
    Sorry for anyone reading this. I know it's kind of all over the place and not PIED related. I just thought that typing it out might help me get back to sleep. I haven't talked about any of this to anyone, ever. I don't spend much time thinking about it. I'm kind of surprised it's coming up now.


    In PIED news, all the stress is causing me seek out pics of hot women or PG-13 scenes. I'm not M-ing to them, and I haven't looked at any hardcore stuff, but I know I'm not completely clean right now. The tingling is gone and when I woke up an hour ago, I had a decent hard on. It went away after I peed, but. it's reassuring. I still don't feel 100% confident about it. So, I'll keep counting the days I've achieved my modest goal of no hardcore and no masturbation except as part of sex with someone else. 33 days....
  16. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So the women in class were looking very hot this morning. Usually they just look young, but this morning....

    Between the boner I had when I woke up this morning, the racy scenes in the movie I watched 'to try help me get back to sleep, and those women, I am very very tempted. I didn't have a full on erection, but I was glad I had baggy pants on in class. I'm really sleepy now and at home before I go on to the college. I have time... I'm writing here so that I don't mis use it by blowing my progress (although from reading some of the other journals, it seems it doesn't destroy all of your progress)
  17. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Good day sir!

    can I offer a thought I have had? Your journal name Doofus... I have had trouble bringing myself to write on your journal because I don't want to say ... "hey Doofus" I don't want to put anyone down in anyway.

    This is my hang up. Of course you can call yourself anything you want! Not like my YBR name rolls off the tongue or suggests anything.

    Anyhow Doofus, I am reading your posts and my impression is that you are very aware of where you are at on your path. I am sorry that you suspect your wife is being unfaithful. Maybe, you can try connecting more with her but non-sexually, the hugging and physical connection that helps bring a couple that warm bonded feeling. It works for my wife and I.

    Your journal posts do not have to be PIED related, many of us are here to stop PMO and do not have PIED.

    Maybe, when you are looking at non-hardcore photos or encountering attractive women at work you can find a way to change the story you are playing in your mind, consciously take hold of the "self talk" and redirect it away from the sexual?
  18. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thanks fcj8!

    Yeah, when I chose my journal name I was feeling like a Doofus. I still do sometimes. I don't mind you calling me that. You can call me 'D', as well. Heck anyone who offers helpful advice and especially as kindly as you, can call me anything you wish.

    And those are helpful suggestions. I need to better control my mind. It's hard, though or... er... difficult (bad joke..) because it begins with a purely physical reaction. Not an erection necessarily (I'm still looking forward to the day when that happens - I think I'll know I'm 100% then) but this kind arousal of my entire body. I've been meaning to note this and ask if anyone else has had this experience while rebooting. I can't remember feeling it before ever, but at least over the last decade or so, because of my porn use, I sure haven't. It's literally breath-taking. I always thought that that was just a metaphor but, now, sometimes, I see a woman and I really am breathless. It's kind of cool - just so long as I can conceal it if the circumstances dictate. This feeling has been especially pronounced during sex with my wife. For me, at least, it's what's been making it so good. I'm just so freaking aroused during it. I haven't felt this way with her before - maybe ever.

    And good suggestion about the wife, speaking of. The increased sex has also led to more cuddling etc. So I am doing some of that, but , I've been kind of greedy/in need of release because of my rebooting plan and because having sex without a condom feels sooooo much better. Man! (or Woman!, I guess... )

    By the way, I've resisted both hard core P and M today - at least so far. Writing on here really helps.

    The wife isn't home yet, so, hopefully that means she isn't fired. Of course the last time she got fired she didn't come home until late. So....

    Finally, if I had to guess I'd say she probably has cheated a few times during the marriage. I'd be surprised if she was cheating now. She's post-menopausal and dry. I worry, of course, that that's specific to me, but she bought the lube is having lots of sex with me and, in the past, even when things weren't good in our relationship, including the sex she'd always get plenty wet. If she is cheating, it'd have to be with someone she's been cheating with for a while - not impossible, but I think unlikely. A woman being dry is somewhat akin to ED, I think. Who knows? In any case, I've cheated. I don't have the moral high ground. I've kind of come to the conclusion that humans are not monogamous. Can't be. And won't be if they have good opportunities. In my younger days it would have probably destroyed me if I found out she had cheated on me. Now? I'd be pretty understanding. 20 years is a long time to resist the dictates of evolution. She's still with me, even if she's sometimes strayed. And in any case, I don't know that she has. At least since we got married.

    Anyway... thank you
  19. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, just got back from my run. I have a very busy day today, so I thought, since I'm up anyway I'd write. I was up for an hour or so before I went (only ran for 15 minutes... bah). During that hour, I surfed the internet sent a couple of emails and tried very hard to avoid looking at P. I succeeded, but just barely. There was some blurb about a celebrity with a sex tape. I googled the sex tape and.....didn't watch it. But I did look at the thumbnails in the google search. Not much to see, but still....Gah! No P, though. And, truthfully? I wasn't aroused very much. I was just falling into old bad habits. Not sleeping is weakening my resolve. Which, in turn, may be robbing me of my sleep. I think forcing myself out the door to run right away - no matter the hour- will help me break out of this cycle.
    In other news:
    Wife didn't get fired. Everyone at work is pissed at her, she thinks, but her boss didn't mention anything about her job being in jeopardy. I frankly would have been shocked if she had been fired. Yes, my wife may - may - have made a mistake, but she works at a position that requires rare skills and for a small fraction of what that sort of job usually pays. Plus, we're in a part of the countyr where there probably isn't anyone else who could do what my wife does and who isn't already doing it for a lot more money.

    Woke with erection. As usual, it didn't last long after I awoke. No sex with wife - which I anticipated. When she's upset about something else or tired, it's very difficult to persuade her. I tried to be affectionate with her while she was telling me about her day, but I tried to avoid making it seem sexual. For the most part, for me, it wasn't. I'm going to work on fcj8's suggestion. I find it very difficult, and always have, to be physically affectionate with someone I find sexually attractive without that physical closeness turning sexual. Maybe that's a symptom of deeper issues, huh? I don't know. Sex is so important, so ubiquitous, so natural and primitive, I'm not sure it's possible to easily isolate it from the rest of our lives - especially our lives with those we want to have sex with. Can women do this? I don't know but I don't think so. I think when women do isolate the sex from the rest of the relationship, it usually means that they're not really sexually attracted to that person anymore. Any women out there with an opinion on this?

    Work still sucks, but, over the weekend I gave in on something I've been fighting for 18 months. I'm just tired of it being such a big part of my life. It can't be. The stress is really starting to wear me down. Any allies I might have had in the beginning have long ago abandoned me. It's just been an army of one tilting at windmills for quite a while now. I give.

    I need now to refocus on my research, get more exercise and just generally take better care of myself. I am not my work. And in particular, I am not the palace intrigue at my work. I'm not a young man anymore. I have goals, big goals I still wish to accomplish. Time to clear the decks and set sail in pursuit of them.

    Since it's OK to write about other things, I'm going to write about that pursuit a liltte. Writing here has helped me stay away from M to P. Maybe it will help me achieve my other goals. More later.
  20. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    I'm sick. At least I think I am. Sore throat, etc. Bummed. I was supposed to sign up to do a race with my older boy. Yesterday was the deadline. I signed him up, but I think I'm going to only watch and cheer him on at it. I was sick for the one he and I did do together at the beginning of January. I ran terrible - really really bad - and was really really sick afterward. I can't afford to be out of commission now. Part of it, too, is that I haven't really put in the training. Of course, that's in part because I've been feeling like I was coming down sick, at least as indicated by my heart rate monitor. I've been only able to walk the last few days if I keep my heart rate in its usual zone. The last 3 days I've only run 15 minutes each morning. I'm taking today off; hopefully this will get me well faster.

    Kind of horny. Still kind of seeking behavior. Mostly it starts with fb. On my page, I still get all these provocative pictures. I end up searching to see who they are. No hardcore, and I'm not M to them, but, as I've said before, I'm not clean. I've tried to come on to the wife a couple times, no dice. It's been 4 days, I think, since she and I have had sex. We've both been waking up at 3 or so due, I think, to job stress. She's able to go back to sleep if she watches TV. Last night I didn't realize she was awake, I even spoke to her because I thought she might be. Yesterday morning she was all pissy because I went down to the couch which is where she's able to watch TV and go back to sleep. This is where she is now. Before she left, I tried to cuddle a little. She just grumbled about being depressed and anxious and how not getting sleep is making it worse. Pushed me away and stomped downstairs. She is a very self-absorbed person. Any conversation with her is always only about her. Through all of this stuff at work, which I've tried to talk to her about, conversations have quickly turned to being about her, she goes on and on for long times without taking a breath. And once she's done talking about herself, if I try to start talking about me and my situation, she says we can't talk now, we've just wasted all this time and she has too much to do. And so do I. Grrrr.... /rant

    Long day for me today. Again.

    Anyway.. thought I'd write here to avoid the temptation I'm feeling to lapse. Have a good day everyone.

    Oh...and I think I'm up to day 36, today without M to P. Maybe later, I'll install the counter. That might help my resolve

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