Looking for feedback

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Doofus, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Nobody here judges you Doofus! Get back on the horse. Dust you're self off and get ready for that bucking bronco! He dumps you in the dust and mud again you get up and try again and again and again and again no matter how long it takes ! Eventually you will win repeat will win ! Glad you're here Doofus.
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  2. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you so much, Bobo!

    As usual, I feel I have at once too much and too little to say. I think the most important thing is to write here as a means of preventing me from seeking out P. We'll see how much I write as I go along.
    First, I'm going to spell out the rules I'm trying to abide by as I return to abstinence. As before, sex with the wife is allowed, or, I suppose, more accurately, hoped for.... but orgasms are permitted. Here's what's different from my other times here: I used to allow myself to search for non P sexually titillating material. But, since it wasn't P, I didn't count it. The truth is, I think, it was delivering that same hit of dopamine. And I was seeking it for the same reason - that easing of anxiety or boredom or whatever other unpleasant emotion I couldn't bear in that moment. So, even though it wasn't P, it was serving exactly the same function and reinforcing the same old pathways. In the past, I've found it easy to go without P because I was too narrowly defining it. As I've learned already, this new definition, which, is, I believe, the correct one, is going to be way the hell harder. I had to reset my counter yesterday after only 7 days! In the past, getting to 7 days - or, heck - 70, was not too hard. It's time to get to the root of my problem, which, I think, is how easily I allow myself to use self-destructive acts to ease unpleasant emotions. So, though my relapses Wednesday, then Thursday were not P or M technically speaking, but just searching out a racy movie scene and visiting a site which lists films with scenes of cheating wives (a fetish of mine....).

    Speaking of hard habits to break, my drinking over the last month has really ratcheted up from bad to catastrophic. Again, I'm using it to manage my emotions, which, in the long run it is definitely not doing. I'm going to talk about this less here, but I am on a schedule of reducing it - we'll see if I can keep it, but so far (4 days....) so good.

    I'll probably be writing here a lot at least in the short term as I fight the urge to cheat. Thanks to all here.
  3. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    I'm going to try - again - to write here each morning.

    Made out with the wife yesterday morning. I had the strongest erection I've had in a while. I had MW one of the two times I woke up last night. It was not 100% but the fact that I'm having MW at all is an improvement. I set a new PR for weekly steps last week - 108,000. In part I credit this to holding to my new standard of no PM. Still, I'm tempted. I'm going to get dressed to run and get out the door here. I'll probably write more later. Just wanted a record of the positive effects of avoiding PM here even so early on.
  4. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Positive steps lead to a positive lifestyle. Your doing great !
  5. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you, Bobo!

    Made out with the wife last night and struggling with chaser effect now, so I'll actually write here.

    I'm really struggling with my sabbatical project. I'm trying to learn to program well enough to turn the math I've discovered into code. I'm failing. My team chose python because it's supposedly the best language for handling data. It makes no sense to me. I've been slowly trudging through a book and online help but I've been at it for several weeks and still haven't written line one for the actual project. Much of my day is spent trying to debug 'solutions' to exercises I'm trying to do.

    This all is one of the reasons I'm back here. Because of the frustration and anxiety I started using again. And since I was using, I wasn't working. It was a vicious cycle. I'm trying to fight through and I've been clean for a week now. But just barely. It's also difficult because I'm alone in the house 12 hours/day. My boys are both away at college now and my wife leaves for work at 6:30 and doesn't get back until 6:30 - if that. I'm lonely and unfocused and anxious. If work were going well it'd be different, but, as I say the fact that it's not has propelled me into this viscous cycle.

    I've been running more, which is good, but, I'm afraid I've overdone it. My quads have been pretty sore for a couple weeks now, but I because I ignored that it's now turned into ITB tendinitis yesterday. I rode the bike a little just now, but I'm not going to run for a day or two. Sore muscles usually resolve pretty quickly, tendinitis, not so much. The running was helping with anxiety and with my temptation to use, but I won't have that today. I can swim but that doesn't usually give me the same kick. Although I know people at the Y so maybe a little social contact will help.

    The good news is that my erection last night was pretty close to 100%. I'm not sure because ever since I developed problems again last year, touching myself has a negative effect on my erections. I can orgasm but with only a semi hard penis. That's been the distressing part. P is not really working either, except in so far as the dopamine hit helps me cope with negative emotions.

    OK. Well, back to failing at P-ython, but not, I hope, P-orn.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Would soliciting outside help be useful? Perhaps there's even a student who is a whiz at code?
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  7. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Might be. I've thought about it and others - although not my collaborators - have been advocating it. We're trying to keep our group to just us. Plus, in order to write the code, probably, the person would have to know the math. But if the person knew both the math and the code, I wouldn't be needed.... I know Steve Jobs got his position back at the company he founded, but, well, he also lost it in the first place. But I'm inching closer to looking for someone to help - in particular former students of mine, many of whom work writing code.
  8. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Just posting to try to get back in the habit. I'm still abstaining, but still tempted and anxious as hell. I failed to charge my watch so anal me is still sitting on the couch instead of out running. Blergh

    Had decent MW, so that's good. No making out with the wife, though, which I'm kind of pissed about. I tried on Saturday and suggested it last night, but she's super stressed, or, said she is, and, kind of unspoken was the sentiment that 'well we did it Thursday, so that counts for the weekend'. We went on dates, for a walk... frustrated.

    OK. I'm going to check on the watch. I really need to get going so I can get to work on programming with a clear head and at a decently early hour
  9. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    I know it's hard and awkward but you must keep working on her. Dont let her control !!! If she gives in to your demands she sees it as she's losing control. Thus is not gonna be easy but its paramount.
  10. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Bobo, thanks, as always for reading and commenting. I appreciate it!
    And I understand your point, but I don't share it. Much, if not most, of the enjoyment I get from sex is due to feeling that someone is that into me. Otherwise, I'm only replacing my hand with my wife. That's not what I want. Plus I don't know how much of me wanting to have sex with her is the addiction, how much my natural sex drive, how much is wanting to be close to her, how much is ego..... So, I understand and, sometimes agree with those who advocate hard reboots. I'm not incorporating total abstinence, because my wife does sometimes want to have sex and she shouldn't go without because of my issue.

    Before I started my current reboot, I watched the show Fleabag on Amazon. The show has gotten a lot of attention because the central character is a female sex addict (if you're thinking about watching it, I'd say it's pretty safe, the sex scenes are neither explicit nor intended to be arousing -at all). But the show wasn't really about that. It was about tragedy and the self-destructive means that people use to keep grief and self-hatred at bay. So many of us here use PMO as a means of dealing with anxiety. I have for sure. Anxiety is the trigger for all of my bad - and good - addictions. Porn, booze, running, mindless internet browsing.... And, if my wife were willing or even interested in having as much sex with me as I wanted, that too, probably.

    I know this is a bit stream of consciousness, sorry. But regardless of whether having sex with the wife would help me feel better, or, even if it improved our relationship, if it was only because I made her do it, or she didn't enjoy it, I would never have sex with her again.

    In any case, her wanting or not wanting to have sex is not, I don't think, a means of gaining control in the relationship. It sometimes feels that way, but on more sober reflection that's not it. For one thing, she already has plenty of power in the relationship. Secondly, she really doesn't get something she wants from it that I don't anyway. It's not like 'oh! I'll take out the trash if you'll have sex with me and we have sex and I take the trash out'. I do what I do and, other than the two of us having that post -O euphoria or, when I complain to her about the frequency of our sex life, sex doesn't change that.

    I was venting really, I guess, because I'm super anxious and wanted to use this morning . I'm also horny and I just felt like had we had sex I wouldn't be and it would be easier to resist temptation.

    Anyway, thank goodness for this place. Writing here - even this incoherent rambling is helping. Thanks @Bobo and everyone else here who takes the time to try to decipher it.

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