Looking for feedback

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Doofus, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    85 DAYS---------- WHOOOOO-----HOOOOO!:p
  2. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you @Bobo, @Caoimhín and @Saville !

    I started to post 2 or 3 times yesterday, but, for various reasons wasn't able to complete it. The first being, that my wife, who had a snow day, wanted to make out before I went to work! After that, the day just got away from me, unfortunately.

    Otherwise, I'm able to report some good news. First and foremost, is I'm still on the wagon. I wasn't tempted at all yesterday - no chaser effect, so that's good. It's also unusual: Typically, I'm super tempted for 48 hours after O with the wife. Not yesterday. On the other hand, I am tempted right now.
    Additionally, though the CBD honey stick didn't work Sunday night, it has worked the last two nights. Monday night, I had taken melatonin and zinc, but I didn't last night. I'll try just CBD again tonight if I wake up (if... ha!) and see. I'm cautiously optimistic.

    I've been good about my morning routine. all this week. Because T was off school yesterday, I was able to do a slightly longer run - 40 minutes - then I've been doing. This morning, though, I wimped out because of the cold here (12 F, when I went out..) and only did 15 minutes.

    @Caoimhín : I am able to run without a brace, and, generally, without discomfort. My surgeon had advised against 'over-doing it'. Meaning he thought I could walk for exercise and, maybe, run 15 minutes every other day on soft surfaces. Prior to breaking my leg I was running 30-90 minutes every day. Losing that dopamine/endorphin (whatever runner's high is..) hit is what led me to start drinking at the level I am. It didn't help my PMO either, for that matter.

    @Saville : I think I understand your point about measurement and esteem. Here's my thing, though. For now, anyway, while I seem to be able to stay sober PMO-wise, I am failing with booze. I'm trying to find some leverage I can use to move that rock. My strategy is to find something that's important to me, a goal to get excited about, the progress toward which is hurt by my boozing. It might work, it might not. I'm vexed by the fact that, though giving up PMO was difficult, booze seems to be impossible. One theory I have about that is that giving up PMO - at least initially - was motivated, strongly, by my PIED. So far, there haven't been sufficiently bad consequences to my boozing, or, at least something like PIED to get me to booze less.
    Obviously, the booze is making me less healthy, but I'm afraid it's the whole boiling frog thing. It's not dramatic enough, like my PIED was this time around.

    Anyway, I'm thinking of using hrv to motivate me. The app I have keeps statistics of its users and breaks it down by age groups. hrv is one way of measuring biological age. Generally, the younger/healthier you are, the higher your hrv. The median for my app's users in the 50-55 age group is 53. My average hrv is 44, which is worse than the median of any age group! Now, it's true that, if you're measuring such an esoteric biomarker as hrv, you're probably a health nut, it still pisses me off that I'm so far below the other old farts. Of course, there have been other indicators - my weight, my race times - at the age of 40 I was still able to run a 5k in under 18 minutes. This past Thanksgiving, I was overjoyed to break 29. So, yeah, writing here, I realize that my health is being compromised by the booze. Some of it is I stopped running essentially for many years, but that's nuts that I'm so slow now.

    Anyway, I need to get to work, so I'll sign off for now. Overall, I'm making slow uneven progress. Kind of 3 steps up and 2 steps back, but, I really think my success in resisting PMO has been a huge factor for me in improving my confidence and breaking my depression (or, at least bending it.... heh) and giving me hope that I can improve in other areas of my life. I'm not taking my PMO sobriety for granted, but with the help of all of you supportive fellas I believe I can stay sober as I look into the future here on the morning of day 87.
    A New Man likes this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You are definitely making great progress! Closing in on 3 months, my man. :)

    Giving up the booze was fucking hard, but only for the first two weeks. Now, I honestly don't think about it much. I have the odd moment when I see people laughing and enjoying themselves while drinking, and get a momentary shot of "yeah, go for it," but it is not powerful enough to take me back. I was considering going to AA in the fall, but I kept telling myself "I'm not as bad as all that." I'm still not sure where I land on that spectrum, but I do know that life feels better without it. I was going to write "a lot better," but that wouldn't be true. And, yes, I'm sleeping less well without my nightly wine, but I think that will stabilize over time. What I know for certain is we are all capable of so much more than we've ever thought or ever given ourselves credit for. I'm not a person who believes we can do anything, but there's no doubt most of us only scrape the surface of our abilities.

    I'm going to write more about goals on my own journal so I don't take up space in yours. :)
    A New Man and Caoimhín like this.
  4. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thanks @Saville . I'll read your journal post and think about it. For now, I'm just going to write so as to avoid PMO - which I find myself very tempted to do this morning.

    Let's see....

    Last night was disappointing. First, I fell asleep on the couch. Second I woke up at about 2:30 (it's becoming like Amityville Horror with my waking at the same time...) and couldn't go back to sleep. Took my cbd honey stick but it didn't work. Wine did, but that's not what I'm supposed to do.

    I got back to sleep at probably 4:30 and slept through my alarm, or, I guess, turned it off so the bird sounds that come at the end didn't wake my wife who didn't have to be up at 5:30 since she had a two hour delay. I ended up getting up at 7:30, with her, roughly. I did my numbers, which is good, but, because it's so freaking cold out, and, because I don't have to go in to work today I didn't jump out of bed to bike/run right away like I'm supposed to. bah. This is critical because this is when I did a little peeking. Not at P, but at letterboxes of racy movies. Not a lot of peeking, but.....

    I realize that I haven't been writing as much about PMO lately. I think not engaging in the subject when I write here is a symptom of hubris I have about it - I think I've beaten it. This morning is proof that that's not so. I didn't relapse according to my own definition of relapse, but I was and am now very tempted. I guess this is a fight for the long-term.

    Along those lines, though, when I had MW the second time I woke up. I think sleep is so important in returning to full function - which is why I write about it so much here. When I get over 7 hours everything is so much better - my depression my anxiety, my sexual function (usually...) my discipline.

    Anyway, I did do my run, but because I lingered in bed so long and because I had to drive T to school (he had a 3 hour delay...) I only ran 15 minutes. With the w.u. and c.d. on the bike it still totals about 40 minutes of aerobic work, but, that's only maintenance for me. I want - need - to do better.

    Again, I was foiled this morning by my own personal tyrannical troika: Insomnia, booze and PMO. I'm only (barely...) resisting the third right now.

    Anyway, here I am, duking it out with my demons late in the morning of day 87.
    Saville likes this.
  5. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Stay strong! You can do it!!
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup, you're doing great. Are you having PIV with the wife yet?
    Doofus likes this.
  7. petru

    petru New Member

    Hi All

    Im new to this ,so please forgive my mistakes. I dont even know if this it the corect place to ask this, but...
    I m firm in to Giving up porn and im off it for 20 day, i flat 2 times but it was more as an experiment. i looked at porn for a good 15 years,ones a day..
    the think that i want to ask the people in this forum is : After you are off the porn, do you have problems geting an eraction??? i mean just you alone,no women or other stimulsnts.
    Please let me know. thank you!!
  8. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Hi @petru ! Welcome to our group!

    I can only answer your question for myself, but my answer is a qualified 'yes'. I pledged to give up PMO because P was no longer working for me - in particular, I had PIED. Luckily for me, I was still functional with my wife. But, even now, 90 days into abstaining from PMO, I am still not fully functional. I'll write more about this below, but, the bottom line is this: Almost certainly, the dysfunction you're experiencing is because of porn and, almost as certainly as that, the cure lies in giving it up. For how long? I, myself, don't know. I may reconsider abstaining if I become fully functional again (spontaneous erections is my standard...).

    In any case, this forum, especially lately as lots of great guys have made a commitment to be active here, is a key component in any man's attempt to recover from the affects of PMO.
    The important thing, I've found, is to write. It helps me avoid giving in to temptation, it helps me clarify my scattered anxiety-fueled thoughts, it helps me feel heard. That last might sound like namby pambiness and, I suppose, it is. But in this battle we're fighting against our inner demons we need all the help we can get.

    Thanks for joining that fight.
  9. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, I didn't write this morning, as I should, because... I'm not sure. I spent my morning talking to the wife about our boys and about our lives. It was one of the best conversations we've had in, well, years. I'm not sure why that happened this morning, but, I know she's been trying to be, well, less her. In particular, less narcisistic.

    Also, I'm struggling to do what I need to do today: Establish goals (yes... I know @Saville ...) that will help me in this next phase. I still haven't done that, but here are some thoughts:

    1. Today is the mythical day 90. Though I'm not suffering from PIED with the wife, I am not fully functional. I had set the standard of regular MW and spontaneous erections as my benchmark for even discussing whether I'm 'cured'. By those standards, I am not. Thus, tomorrow, hopefully, I'll be writing about my life on day 91. It may well be that I'm writing about my life here on day 991. Despite its temptations, heck, because of its temptations, I'm staying on the PMO wagon.

    2. However: I am going to transition to a more intense emphasis on my health more generally and, my alcoholism in particular. As I've written repeatedly here, I believe that my sleep issues are key to everything - my addictions, my mental and physical health... I'll be continuing to write about all of that

    3. I will continue to be, as I am now, and, as I hope I've expressed with fervor equal to my feelings, grateful to all of you who read my random, incoherent and sometimes overwrought, and, sometimes, underwrought, ramblings. I'm also going to try to contribute more to the diary of others here. I want to give back more than I have.

    Signing off for now, here, at the end of day 90.
  10. petru

    petru New Member

    Hi Doofus
    Thank you for your kind post. It helps a lot. Is this the corect place for this topic?? Im not in to this kind of blogs or.. is mi first time ever.
    If you are better at this blog, you can move this post in to the correct topic or…

    In general I give up different things, like coffee, cigarette’s, no problem. Cold turkey no problem, but porn… is a bit different. I will concur that f addiction in the end. I think that is the fact that separate us from the animals, the will power and mental discipline. It will not be easy but not impossible.

    I have a strategy in mind…I will start to meditate , to imagine my brain, the part that is fuck up, and rebut it. In the end we all have to understand that we are working with energy… We can rewire our brain. First we need to realize it that we can and just act on that!!

    Thank you!
  11. petru

    petru New Member

    Hi D
    I can send you some links that i find on the net , and is not for you, is for your wife. i find this woomen that talks specificly about women not been well fuckt. look foe Kim Anami in you tube. She has some very good points that will help your wife and your rpoblem. good luck.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    @petru you should start your own journal. Hit the button New Post on the upper right hand side. It's good to have you aboard.
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2019
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Me too! This is so important and those that recover are active in their journals.

    That's great that you had a good convo. My wife is, imo, a narcissist. She isn't completely crazy, but she is somewhat crazy. I have had those kinds of conversation with her before and they always came back around to bite me somehow...not saying that will be the case with you. :) I now no longer have convos with the wife, because I know that it's important for her to always have the upper hand, to be right, which means she's totally fine with me being wrong. In other words, she uses such talks to emasculate me. I never believed that before, because I was caught up in the dysfunction that it was my job was to please her, to sort things out for the family. Her habit for decades was to put the pants on and watch me twist in the wind. I believe in myself, in my love for the family, but I don't believe the wife and I will ever sort anything out via talking about. Again, I know every marriage is different, but I'm just throwing this out there. :) I guess this gets back to my mantra that the only useful thing for me is what we do. For instance: I believe my wife should open her legs for me, on some kind of regular basis, so I can get my horn on. I won't have a discussion about that. I don't want to hear about being tired, or the fact that I don't help enough around the house, or that she's as dry as a cracker. My wife gets annoyed at me because I ask for sex a lot. It bugs her when I prance around naked and tell her to hold my penis (yes, I do, do that. A frightful sight given how ugly I am lol) but she also feels wanted, desired, and amused. The End. :)
  14. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Congratulations! Well done!!
  15. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, I don't have much time, but I'll put something down here so that I don't end up with a zero in the log book like I did yesterday.

    I was up from 2:15 until probably 4 last night. I took zinc, which, I think helped me get back to sleep the first time I woke at 12:30 (went to sleep at 11...). This is consistent with other nights, but, also, and I hope to find time to write about this later, I made the mistake of checking social media when I couldn't go back to sleep immediately and N had posted a bunch of really weird stuff on twitter. I've felt for a while now that he's not mentally well. Once I started thinking about that, I was not going to get back to sleep right away.

    I ended up drinking a glass of wine and that did get me back to sleep. That's good, but then I slept through my alarm and didn't wake up until 6:15. I did my numbers (minus the glucose because of the wine...) but wasn't able to run, or, exercise at all. As a result, I do not feel up to facing the day.

    Regardless of how today goes, though, it is the 92nd in my streak. One piece of good news is that I had MW now the last 3 days in a row. Plus, I had pretty good make out and O with the wife yesterday (though not PIV - though we tried. Even with the lube she's not wet enough or comfortable enough or something...).

    Anyway, still here, if overwhelmed by life, at the beginning of day 92.

    More later, I hope.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is really great, Doofus!

    Use coconut oil. The lube didn't work with my wife either. There's always a solution.

    Keep the faith, bro', you're doing well.
    Caoimhín and Doofus like this.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There's no doubt that sleeping well is important, but I don't think that sleep is your issue. I used to think the same thing. I thought that if I slept better than my mind would be sharper and I'd make better decisions about everything. For people like us our sleep is disturbed because we have ingrained habits that disallow the zzzzzzz. I took sleep aids, vitamins, and many other things, all in an attempt to get that elusive night's sleep, but over the long-haul there was no change. I still don't sleep as long as I'd like, but what sleep I do get seems to be decent. From the time I was a teen I've struggled sleeping. I don't have any answers...just chatting.
    Doofus likes this.
  18. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Very tempted. Actually spent time yesterday peeking at racy movies. I did the same this morning. I'm not sure what's going on with me exactly, but I'll write and see what comes up:

    First, I've had two straight nights of more than 6 hours of sleep. Not coincidentally, I've also had 4 straight mornings with MW. This is good, but it also might be what's precipitating my peeking. I'm pretty freaking horny. That's not the entirety of it, though as yesterday I spent time peeking but not time being productive.
    I had a brief meeting with sort of the ombudsman at my college last week about the money the college owes me. His advice was to let it go - 'this place screws all of us'. I'm not ready to let it go, but something else he said struck me in a really positive way. He said given everything I have far better ways to spend my time than fighting over a couple of thousand dollars. I thought 'he's right'. And this world of possibility became visible to me.
    I've struggled over the years to make time to do research. I feel safer doing the things I feel I have to (grading class prep helping students etc) than the things I want to, even if, as in the case with research, those are high leverage activities which, in the long run, will advance my career and improve my view of myself more than spending all my time in the reeds. Also, it's the case that as soon as I contemplate making creative optimistic choices about how I spend my time, I become overwhelmed by the possibilities. There are too many things I want to do. Too many topics in research, too many things outside of research.... I can't organize myself. That's in part what happened yesterday. And, instead of facing those choices, making a plan, I surfed the web including looking for clips of near porn from mainstream films. Ugh.

    A lot of what's going on with me these days, the booze, the PMO, I think can be traced back to legal trouble N got in about 10 years ago. That was a right punch. The killer left was when my wife kept losing her jobs and I had to pick up lots of other work for us to make ends meet. And sometimes, in spite of that, we weren't making ends meet. In both cases, I was doing everything I knew how to do, doing it as well as I could, doing it in the service of the most important thing to me - my family - and failing. That was new. And I think I'm still suffering from PTSD from it. Every time I contemplate starting something new, something important, I anticipate failure, if not outright disaster.

    @Saville: I do think that this is one reason sleep is important to me. I feel better not only physically but also emotionally when I get enough sleep. You may be right that improving my sleep will not prove sufficient to pull me out of this place I'm in now, but I do think it is necessary.

    Anyway, time to get ready for work, here at the beginning of day 93.
    Saville likes this.
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, for sure it's necessary. What I meant was that sorting out our lack of sleep can be difficult. I also feel a lot better when I have a good night's sleep, but that sleep seems elusive most nights. I'm not waiting for my sleep patterns to change so I can change. For me, anyway, it all seems tied up together. Something in my psyche disallows deeper slumber. Some of it is physical, while some of it is emotional.

    Wow, this is a huge insight and a brave one to consider! :)

    Brother, you were NOT failing. I'm proud of you just from reading the above. You stepped up and did your best with the tools at hand. Well done. I'm clapping, man! And, guess what, we are allowed to fail. Remember @Boxer17 talking about making mistakes? We are so fucking hard on ourselves. Your family is still intact and you are working hard on yourself. In my view that is success. Here's a definition of success I came across: success is the progressive realization of a worthy goal.

    Yes, you probably are. PTSD is self-fulling in many ways. We keep replaying the same old movie. Time to burn the theater down.

    This is negative speak. To you, you may just be explaining your state of mind, but it's also validating what you think about yourself. How would you rewrite that sentence to make it sound more positive? The above statement is what they term in CBT as "crystal ball" thinking. I've been there, done that, sucks so bad there isn't a t-shirt for it. ;) We don't know the future, so let's not build a wall in front of it. I practice CBT in my own life, as I've found it to be very beneficial. I learned from a book. I would rewrite that sentence like this: Though I see there are challenges to starting that new thing, I know, from past experience, that I am up to challenges.

    Look at you. You are a professor and have made something worthy out of your life. You definitely have what it takes.
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  20. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I don't know the details of your struggle here but I have seen many people where I work, including myself, get eaten with bitterness about their work, their bosses, their co-workers. And it creeps like a disease and makes everything about work poison. There can be an environment where co-workers get together and bitch about work and make it even worse. This is not to say that problems need to be addressed, but ask yourself: how bitter am I? Is this serving me or poisoning me? Letting go is one of the most difficult things to do but sinking into bitterness is as easy as falling into a black hole.
    Boxer17, Doofus and Saville like this.

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