Looking for feedback

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Doofus, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, hope you enjoyed your SBWME.

    I had to look up comme ci, comme ca. Then I went "duh!" I've even used that phrase before. You'd think after 5 years of high school French I would remember a few things. At least I have a great love of French wines! ha ha :D Oops, but I'm off the booze. :( :oops: ….which is actually a good thing. :)
  2. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Ha! For a long time I thought that 'or-derves' and 'horse de vores' were distinct things....

    More later. I am freaking slammed and stressed, but holding on to my (PMO if not alcohol related) sobriety here on day 79.
  3. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Oh no ! SBWME !:eek:
  4. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So a couple of close calls - some would say too close to count today as a day of sobriety. For the first time in this entire streak, I went to a porn website. I didn't watch any and I was only there for a couple of seconds, but, I did it again, same story, later in the day. And I looked at a site that lists movies about infidelity, but, again, I didn't watch anything. I know the cause - stress, anxiety, lack of sleep.... The last two weeks have been brutal. I'll try my best to write about it here.... I'm not writing well these days. So please excuse my incoherence.

    So, last Tuesday I took N back to college. The plan was( probably...) to follow that up with a drive up the coast to interview candidates for my sabbatical replacement (fingers crossed...). Those interviews would be Thursday, Friday and Saturday. One problem: No applicant files. Apparently HR was waiting for us to be 'trained' in the use of interfolio - which a 5 year old can operate. Anyway, after repeated queries by me they finally made them available Tuesday afternoon. In fact, I got them just in the middle of a big conversation I had with N about whether he would be going back at all! This, after the previous Friday when he and I had a big talk and he was certain he wanted to go back. I thought it was just nerves, but.....
    So, N had a hold on his account because of his medical leave from last year (it's a little more complicated than that, but the basic bottom line is that his school, or, at least the idiot Asst Dean who handled his medical withdrawal, are incorrigible pyschos. By the time he tried to register on Wednesday, the classes he needed to complete his major in time were full and only two of the professors let him in! On Wednesday morning he made the rounds trying to assemble his schedule and by early afternoon could barely walk because of the surgery. All of this, combined with his reluctance to go back (he feels they're out to get him, or, at least, not interested in helping him... there's some truth in this) made taking (another...) leave this semester an easy decision to make. Or not. I've been torturing myself about it ever since. This whole downhill slide was precipitated by me, without carefully researching what it actually entailed, advised my sick son to ask for a medical withdrawal.

    Anyway, so Wednesday night I stayed up the whole night reading 32 applications in anticipation of interviewing, well we still didn't know yet. They were just being scheduled as I read. It ended being 19 which we conducted over the course of Thursday night, all day Friday and Saturday morning. Because of my college's financial situation, I stayed with friends about an hour away from the conference, so that was an additional stress. Plus, and this is something I may - or may not- write about in greater detail later, I had dinner with one of the women I had an affair with. Ergggg

    My college is stiffing me for a class I taught last semester. I really need that money, but I screwed up and didn't sign anything last semester. There are still some things I can do to get it, but I'm not eager to engage in conflict with my bosses right now, given everything else (sabbatical, my job.....tenure is rendered largely meaningless when an institution is suffering financial exigency.)

    Classes started this week and I really wasn't either looking forward to them or prepared - at all. Given everything else... T's applications N's surgery and convalescence I didn't do it before the sturm und drung that was last week....

    Anyway, this morning I did get up on time with the light alarm, I did take my numbers and I did run. But when I got back and was waiting for T to get ready for me to drive him to school, the stress, or anxiety or .... that was my first peek. I tried writing here,but, as the above illustrates, it's just so much, I didn't have time.

    I'm not sure what I can do differently next time, and the next time could be soon, I'm under this much stress and find it difficult to stay on the wagon.

    I guess for the practical reason of keeping me motivated to withstand what's surely on the horizon, I'm going to say that, since I didn't P&M&O, that my streak is still in tact. (It's easier to resist breaking it on day 81 than on day 2, of course I almost didn't resist on day 80, so...)

    Anyway, I'm counting myself as a resistor, rather than a deserter, here, near the end of day 80.
  5. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    you are under a great deal of stress and no wonder it is starting to show. Your energy cup is empty. What can you do to help you deal with the stress? I've been there myself and believe, due to similar crazy work situation last fall, that this lead to my relapse. Part of this is recognising that your energy stores are low and that you are vulnerable.

    You are definitely a resistor! Learning how to deal with stress in suitable ways is your challenge! You can do it!
    Doofus likes this.
  6. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Only got 4 hours of sleep last night, so, I'm laying here on the couch instead of getting my day going. Only barely resisting the pull of porn. So, I'll write here a little.

    Drank less last night. Took zinc, went to bed on time and... I've been up since 2:30. To be fair I had a big coke at the movies last night, so that's probably a factor, but, still I was able to get to sleep, just not get back to sleep. I've got a budget meeting in a bit, and, it's there, I hope to talk to my 'superiors' about the money for last semester. I'm very upset and anxious about the whole situation. Like a lot of things that have thrown me off kilter lately it's a case of not having done something I should have done (gotten specifics in writing about what they were going to pay me..) kind of knowing that I wasn't doing what I should have at the time, but being too timid and, now, paying the consequences possibly (literally, $$).

    I did start my day when I was supposed to (5:20) did my numbers - most of which were discouraging - ran made breakfast for T and got him to school. It's just in the hour since I've gotten back that I'm failing myself. Had more coffee and... wasted time on the internet. I should be working or swimming or, at least, showering or looking for the receipt for the incorrect headlight I bought so I can get the money back for that and buy the correct one. But, no... instead I'm fighting the urge to peek or PMO and wasting time. I suppose I'm not actually wasting time on PMO, but it's only a little better. Still wasted an hour. I do think it's the lack of sleep... That really weakens my will power.

    Anyway, I feel a little better having spilt this verbal diarrhea here on the page. I may write more of it later here on day 81.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    What @Caoimhín said is bang on. It's when our reserves are low that the addict attacks us.

    In fact, the demon addict is attacking you on numerous fronts. You are worrying about family, money, and now an intruder has popped up in the form of a former fling. In your mind they all have to be dealt with in one way or another. You did the right thing with N. He's in no shape to go to university. After his leg is better he needs to get a job, any job, so he has a reason to get up in the morning. In terms of you having taught for free, that sucks, but it can also be a lesson. Absolutely try and get the money, but sometimes part of our self-education is to emotionally and financially cut our losses. Like I said, it sucks, but you aren't going to die and your family isn't either. At one point I got caught by the IRS and owed almost 40K. Oops! Once I stopped fretting about it I just confessed everything and then refinanced the house. Shit happens, we deal.

    Remember, it's the demon attacking you. It wants you to cave, to feel upset, to hate yourself, blah blah blah. It's noise, you need to ignore it and focus on the things you can control.

    I have no idea what lead you to lunch with your former fling, but run away from her fast! I've done the cheating thing twice and still bear the scars. She won't make your situation better, quite the contrary. You owe it to yourself to run away from the arms of this woman. She doesn't understand you, she just selfishly wants what she wants. Good, solid, emotionally stable women don't have affairs with married men. She doesn't need your help, you aren't her white knight. She's the same cray cray you met before. The matriarchal spirit wants to ruin your family and what you already have...don't allow it!

    I'm preaching, I know. But, I know the hazards and sign posts well. I'm not a moralist, but I am a born again realist. We have to take care of ourselves and that means we do it by ourselves.

    Much love, brother.
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2019
    Doofus likes this.
  8. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thanks - as always- for the support and advice, @Saville !

    No worries about the OW. Although it was worse than lunch - we had drinks - nothing happened and, though, sparks did fly for me, nothing was going to happen. I hadn't seen her in 4 years, so that's why I agreed to meet. She's engaged to be married, now. There's been no follow-up by either of us since. She lives many many states away..... It will probably be 4 more years before I see her again. By then what little physical appeal I might still possess now will be only a memory.

    It does suck that what happened, happened. I think we'd be good friends if it hadn't. Or, it wouldn't be 4 years between get-togethers at least. But maybe that's just my dwindling hormones talking. I don't know..

    Anyway, no plans to screw my life up in that particular way. I'm pretty busy with all the other ways currently. :)
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's great! But....

    This woman, and meeting her, is a psychic tie to the past. I don't believe in her motives, whatever they are, because getting married and having drinks with an old flame is incongruent, in my opinion. Nevertheless, this is about you, not her. The fact that you agreed to have a drink with her and, in the back of your mind entertain the thought of a meeting four years down the road, shows you have not allowed yourself to live for yourself. You see what I'm getting at? So long as our minds are tied to something unreal, something that doesn't serve our own journey, we remain stuck in limbo land.

    On the face of it you can say: met an old flame, nothing happened, the end. However, it isn't the end...something did happen...you went for drinks because of an unsavory psychic tie. It's unsavory because it pulls you back, it keeps you stuck, if only a little bit. Getting healthy means smashing down the old status-quo and definitely cutting the psychic ties.

    Speaking of ties, I was given one by one of the women I cheated with. A beautiful, blue, silk tie, with a darker blue paisley pattern. Probably cost her over a hundred bucks. When I realized that that tie bound me to her on some level, I cut that tie up and tossed it in the garbage. A part of me didn't want to throw it out, but it was incredibly important to do so! To move forward, to embrace myself, I needed to be a free man.

    The journey is only about us. Even the slightest capitulation will keep us stuck.

    My sermon for the day. :)
    Caoimhín likes this.
  10. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Psychic ties are sneaky because they appear harmless. The action of cutting the tie (in both the case of the thing around your neck and the other woman can have a real cleansing effect and I recommend doing it.
    Saville likes this.
  11. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, I woke up at 2:22 and couldn't go back to sleep - in spite of taking melatonin, zinc and magnesium and in spite of drinking less. Or, I suppose, because of drinking less...
    Today I - finally - took my therapists suggestion and bought some cbd. I hadn't realized how expensive it is, so I bought only a few honey sticks, rather than their sleep formula. I didn't use one, though. I'm driving T for a college visit today and I was desperate to get back to sleep. I knew wine and pizza would work so that's what I did. I feel like I let myself down a bit. Alcohol is a very hard habit for me to break. Those of you on here who have kicked it (@Saville in particular, who seems to have done it with ease) have my admiration. On the drive today, I'll think a bit about how I might structure my withdrawal from that addiction. I think for me, having a bigger yes inside for something else will be key. I used to be a very serious runner. I think for those years that I was that's how I avoided becoming a drinker. Though, even back then, I loved booze, I only rarely indulged - or, overindulged - because I didn't want anything interfering with my workouts. I lost that when I reached the age (early forties) at which I realized that I'd run my last PR. I stopped running very much and took up drinking to replace it. Not consciously, of course, but that's essentially what I did. Anyways, I"m trying anew:

    Last night I at least started to write down a morning schedule and goals. But because I couldn't get back to sleep and because my wife is also sleep-deprived, I turned off the light alarm (set for 4:50...).
    I did get back to sleep, but not until about 4. I slept until 7:30. I did my numbers minus glucose since I'd had the wine and pizza. So that was good, and I got on the bike, ran and biked. That was good, too, but I only ran for 15 minutes because I hadn't charged my watch. Which is bad. Part of what I wrote down last night is that I need to have everything charged and organized the night before. I did charge my tablet, which I need for my hrv reading but I didn't charge my watch (garmin, which I use to monitor my hr while I exercise.... ) Yes. Let me say it out loud. I'm not very old school when it comes to working out.
    Anyway, part of my morning routine, I hope, will be writing here. Which I'm doing this morning, the beginning of day 84.
  12. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Congrats on day 84. The days pile up. You're trying, that's what is important--- you don't give up----youre a winner---- carry on dude!
    Saville and Doofus like this.
  13. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you, @Bobo !
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I agree, the days do pile up. And, yup, you're doing great. I feel like you've come through a vortex, but you're still standing. Good on ya, bro'.
    Bobo and Doofus like this.
  15. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Congratulations on Day 84!

    Can you get back into running? Why did you stop? It sounds like it could be a cornerstone towards restructuring your time because, as you say from the past, running would influence how much you drank, how often you made poor food choices, etc.
  16. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thanks @Caoimhín . This is right along the lines of what I'm thinking.

    What's prevented me from doing exactly this is two-fold (mainly...): 1. In 2010 I broke my leg pretty severely. I've got 23 screws in it. During my first post-op appointment, the first question I asked the Dr. was 'when can I run again'? He said if you're smart, never. The more you run the quicker you'll develop arthritis. Errg. So, I took up swimming. I am not a swimmer. What's more, as I've realized recently, it's not helped my fitness. Probably because my technique and strength are too poor to get my heart rate up. I've made a few forays into cyclying, with similar problem. Plus with cycling the time commitment necessary to get the same thing out of it I got out of running was too great given all my other responsibilities.

    So, naturally, I'm thinking..... triathlon!

    I also need to set some concrete professional goals. My brain - pickled or not - is not what it used to be. I'm running out of time.

    I'll write more tomorrow morning congruent with my new schedule, but I just wanted to reply and thank all of you here for your support! PMO might have caused me some problems, but, by bringing me here, it might help me find broader solutions. Thank you all!
  17. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    I just had another thought: Every morning I measure my weight, standing pulse, body fat (not very accurately, I'm pretty sure...), bp, hrv, temp and glucose. My garmin estimates (pretty well) the sleep I got the night before and the steps I take during the day (yes, I'm an adherent, though in only a desultory fashion of the quantified self - my quantified measure of the usefulness of my adherence to the quantified self is decidedly low... :) ) Anyway, I think it might be helpful to set some goals with those measurements all of which are negatively impacted by my bad habits and positviley by my good. I'm going to think about this do a little research and report back.

    This will have the advantage of opening a new frontier for me, since the old, defined by PRs and race performance is so discouraging for me now. I think I need to be excited about this, as I once was about maybe making it to the highest levels of my sport, in order for me to use this to beat my demons.
  18. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, took only zinc and melatonin last night, plus CBD honey stick. Because of work I had to do to prepare for today, I had to stay up until 11. The good news is I had only two glasses of wine - in part because I didn't get back from T's college visit until almost 9. Anyway, mixed bag as usual. Also mixed was my overnight. I woke at 1:30, but got back to sleep pretty quickly. Woke again at 3 and not so lucky. Ended up drinking 2 more glasses of wine. Got back to sleep at around, 4:45? maybe. The problem is that my alarm starts at 4:55 (gradually brightening) and I slept through that until 5:45. It was nice, essential maybe, to get that extra sleep - today is going to be tough - but it threw everything off.
    So, the good: I did do my numbers, minus glucose; I did stretch and I did my full warm up. But I only ran for 15 minutes and was only able to cool down for 9 minutes. Well I say 'only able' that was assuming T was going to be ready to go on time. Nope. Anyway, I just made myself breakfast and am following through on my plan as best I can by writing here, albeit much 30 minutes later than I'd hoped to be here on the morning of day 85.

    More later.
  19. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I am hot and cold with my quantified self and have mostly stopped any measures that I was doing. But I do think that it can positively affect guys like us. It gives a structure and a goal to help fill the void created by removing bad habit(s) from our lives.

    I too used to suffer from insomnia. When I woke up in the middle of the night, it was almost a case of me desparately trying to get back to sleep. Somehow, I taught myself to relax and not worry about the fact that I was not asleep. I wish that I knew how, to share with you! It still happens from time to time. Melatonin works really well for me but I don't take it all the time.

    Last summer, I had a slight tear in the meniscus in my left knee. This kept me from soccer all summer and I was disgustingly physically innactive. I tried to do swimming and, as it had been years since I did that, it was like relearning all over.

    Could you run with a brace or something?
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    If you want advice from a fat, out of shape, guy, who was never in anyone's wildest dreams an athlete, I think you could ditch doing the numbers. Why? Because (love answering my own questions :D ) it says to me that we are still checking our performance. I do this too. If I can get up from my recliner without grunting then I feel like I'm getting somewhere. lol :rolleyes: I walk quite a bit, because it's the one thing I can do easily, and I enjoy it, as well. I try not to think about things like heart-rate, losing weight, etc. For someone like you, who is athletically inclined, you can do the bit of running and the biking and just enjoy it for what it is. I've lifted weights quite a bit and I see the same thing. Guys are forever looking at how much they can lift. It's not that we shouldn't have goals, but that we should try and enjoy the process...kind of like when we twizzle our swizzle with our woman. :cool:

    PS: 85 days is HUGE!

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