Looking for feedback

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Doofus, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Decent enough morning. Made out with wife, receiving first O in 2 weeks! So that was nice. Woke up at 3:30, but didn't drink any booze to go back to sleep, also good. Did my numbers (one of my goals is to monitor everything I can reasonably monitor this year as often as I can - daily when I'm home.) and ran. All before 8 am, so that was good, too. I've been going through another period of higher generalized anxiety, though, the sex (and, I guess, dopamine...) helped with that. I feel up to what I need to face. I can't remember (am too lazy to look...) whether I've mentioned it, but the motto I'm striving to adopt this year is one first made famous (?) by Bob the Builder: Can we fix it? Yes we (I) can. Of course it was later, likely, immortalized by 2008 candidate Barack Obama. I feel just this moment, like I can live up to that today.

    Anyway, I will probably need to write later as the chaser effect takes hold, but, for now, here I am still saying 'No to PMO' on day 69.
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Great affirmation! :) Great energy! You're making gains, bro'.
     
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  3. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you, @Saville !

    Unfortunately, at the moment, I've gone back to freaking out a bit.

    N failed a class he needs to have passed in order to continue in his major. I'm taking him back either tomorrow or Tuesday and his first day of classes is Wednesday. We're stuck with a lease on an apartment for him through August and we are quickly running out of money. I wish we could figure out how he could perform better. As it is, his immediate future is somewhat bleak as far as his education goes.

    It's Sunday and I still don't know if I'm teaching this week or if I'm interviewing. I still haven't heard what's going on with the money the college owes me from last semester, which we're really going to need.

    For my personal goals the last 24 hours have been mixed. By using pomodoro, I was able to get to inbox zero on my work account. And I've made a huge dent in my personal account. Getting on top of my personal organizational system was a huge goal of mine for break. I ran more today than I have in a while and stretched.
    But last night I sat with N who was having trouble getting back into his chair. As a result, I slept poorly and was up from 1:30 until about 6:30. I started drinking wine at 5.... So that was bad. I slept until 10:30 which was good; it meant that I got a somewaht decent total, but I was groggy and a bit hungover and didn't really get my day going until afternoon - which made me feel like I'd lost the day.

    I'm fighting with T for him to get his essays started for colleges whose deadlines are Tuesday.

    Anyway, the stress and so on has me very tempted. The good part of this is that by consciously - and, so far ,resolutely - resisting the pull of PMO I'm better understanding its role in my life. I used it to feel better when I felt overwhelmed and under-resourced, as I do now. And in so using it, I weakened myself making me go back to PMO and on and on.
    I think I'm feeling weak for many reason, but this addiction, though used to make me feel stronger temporarily actually made weaker. Unfortunately, I have other addictions which are probably playing the same role.

    While I was running today, I was thinking about some of this and, I think that, even running played the role that PMO and alcohol played and are paying now in my life. What's more I think that though PMO became a problem for many reasons, the fact that I started running so much less after children is certainly a factor - alcohol too. My drinking really increased after I wasn't able to run as much.

    I've thought for a while that maybe running or exercise could be part of my slavation, but, if the above is true, while I'd be healthier, more than likely, my ability to face the problems in my lie would not be improved. I don't know..... I was happier and stronger when I was running more. And I remember reading a book from the 70s maybe that argued that running increased psychological strength in those who did it for more than 45 minutes every day. (Psychology of Running maybe...? I have it at work)

    I wonder if there is such a thing as positive addictions. Or if it is possible to live completely free of addiction. Maybe, I suppose it depends on your definition of addiction.

    Anyway, these are some of the things I'm thinking about here at the end of week 10, day number 70.
     
  4. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Doofus, there is no such thing as a positive addiction. Addictions are simply emphasis on something at the expense of other things. Therefore, there is no balance. Addictions are the enemy of balance and balance is necessary for a calm and successful life. You think so you are on your way.:)
     
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Maybe he needs to fail on his own?

    Doofus, like Bobo said, you are definitely on your way, because you're using your insightful noggin'. You, as their dad, can set the tone of their lives by taking care of your own business. Yes, I'm a broken record. lol One thing that has to happen is you have to start boning the wife. Having your wife underneath you literally puts her in her place. It asserts dominance, something that will brush off on the young men you're raising.

    From what I've read you've been a great dad. You have good sons who aren't knuckle dragging idiots. They do seem to be powered-down, though, kind of like their old man. Even though my children have left the nest, there was still a perceivable change in them when I stopped watching P and began porking the wife. Sex is how we assert our dominance in a relationship. If the woman is dominant in this regard then there is a trickle down effect of emasculation. Women assert their dominance by withholding sex, or by deciding how and when sex is going to happen. Note: we don't become head of the household, a man in our own right, by doing the following: cleaning, dishes, regularly bending our schedules to fit the wife's, by being nice in the hope of garnering favor, or by going without sex.

    You are 54 now and your testosterone is not going to last forever. I'm 60 now and my pecker still works...but for how much longer? While I still feel sexual and can get a good boner I will bang the wife and she will capitulate. No matter what the femi-nazis say, woman love their man taking charge.
     
  6. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I am going to tell you a short but very revealing story. About 12 or 13 months ago I wanted to do the deed but Heather started telling me how stressed she was and how she did not understand why I wanted and wasn't concerned about her feelings. I said one thing ",I asked you this time next time you ask me !" Heather knows I give in but I have no intention of going without. She just looked at me. That was it ---- I don't expect sex on demand but I will not listen to controlling bullshit. Smooth sailing since then she got the message. :cool:
     
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  7. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you again for your thoughts, @Saville !

    The problem is he is failing on his own. One of the many arguments between my wife and me is about this. I've actually been the one arguing for a more laissez-faire approach while my wife is much more the helicopter parent. I hoped he'd figure things out faster than he has. The high school he attended is not very academically oriented. Just about everyone got just about all A's for doing just about nothing. Because my high school experience had been somewhat similar, I knew he might struggle, as I did, his first semester or two. But, unlike me, he hasn't figured out how to do better subsequently. I've tried to gently guide him, but now I fear it was too gently.

    Anyway, thanks for the vote of confidence on my parenting. I've tried. Even, as I say above, by not trying. You know, the problem is that there's no manual for these things. I remember being horrified to learn that the what to expect books (at the time anyway...) ran out with the toddler years. Though I've had a certain instinct about what should be done, it's almost always been the case that it's the exact opposite of my wife's and, as I've described above, I have had to face the choice of either capitulating or of trying to manage her, frankly, hysterical fighting tactics which had very bad effects on the boys. The other option would have been divorce, I suppose, but that would not have been good for the boys, either, and, in particular, would have most likely meant I was in contact with them only half the time.

    It's interesting that you mention testosterone. I don't know if you were thinking about it beyond the fact that, probably, in the next 15 years, my sex drive will die or not, but, my therapist believes that it is the reason I'm in my current emotional state. I don't know. I still have a pretty strong sex drive and, some of my problems have to do with the fact that I'm afraid to face the consequences of venting the anger I feel. I think if I were suffering from low T, I wouldn't feel that anger in that way.

    About men and women: I'll write more about this maybe later, but, for now I'll just say this: Sometimes - sometimes - women will play 'hard to get'. They do this for many reasons, including a fear of being slut-shamed, as a way of gauging actual interest from a man, and, frankly, cowardice. In a long-term relationship, though, all of these are mitigated - at a minimum. What's actually the case, I think, is that women, like men, are not sexually monogamous. In men this tends to express itself as a 'wandering eye'. In women, it tends to express itself in serial but intense relationships. We only get 2 or so years of sincere sexual interest from a woman. They can and will have sex with us, enjoyably, beyond that but that's it.
    Or, and this is the hypothesis of Sex at Dawn, neither men nor women want to have sex with just one person even for a short span. Either way, no matter how virile or whatever we are, our wives, though they may still love us, are no longer that interested in being sexual with us. This is depressing, but think about it: How many men can you think of that you know for sure are in sexually vital relationships after more than a few years. And, among that large majority which are not, in how many cases is it the man's choice that sex has fallen off?

    This is why I am - still - considering opening up my marriage. In her defense - and, again, I can't remember if I mentioned this above - but she actually tried something (gel pills she said??) to make PIV possible yesterday. It's not clear what it was, and, it didn't work, but it was unbidden. So, contrary to what my general theory might be, she's still trying. On the other hand, I've made a big old hairy deal out of our (lack of a ..) sex life these last years and, because of my depression and anxiety, she's worried about me, so it might just be that she's acquiescing.

    Anyway, here I am trying to keep it together at the beginning of week 11, day 71.
     
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  8. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thank you, @Bobo !
     
  9. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    I guess I meant addictions - or compulsions - whose consequences are on balance positive. Kind of like the TV character 'Monk' who, indulging various irrational compulsions, was able to catch murderers.

    I'm not certain I know anyone who doesn't indulge some sort of compulsions to stave off the chaos and terror which, too often, is day to day living.

    I'm really not (I don't think....) rationalizing my way back into my old PMO ways. I guess I'm thinking about re-directing that energy and the energy of my other destructive habits into something just as compulsive but constructive.

    Thank you, though, for your comment. It's got me thinking about hard things. Which, of course, is a good thing.
     
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    My wife was a dry a beef jerkey. Lube didn't work and neither did gel pills. I came up with the idea of coconut oil and it's been amazing. She can lather some on your penis and then put a bit on her vajayjay. For my wife, it felt a bit painful at first, because, duh, nothing had been up there for years. But, part of the fun is going slow. After three years she never complains about dryness or the honey pot hurting. I found it was a cheap and easy fix.
     
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  11. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    I'll suggest it. Maybe tonight! :)
     
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  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're T is good, I'd say. However, anger doesn't come from T. Rage might, but anger is lack of balance. I've seen 80 year olds raging at the sky; it's not testosterone driven. It's awesome that you have a good sex drive. Since giving up PMO my drive has been very healthy.

    Yeah, I'd hold off on that until you established PIV sex with the wife. You're doing great, but it's still early days for you. No precipitous actions should be taken within the first year or two. P has fucked our brain, and so has fantasy and M. New parts of me keep opening up and I've been clean for almost three years. Do I think of banging someone else the odd time? Heck yeah, but once I go through the scenario I realize it's really just the addict trying to throw me off my life. The addict is a demon. If sex feels good with the wife, it will tell you, you are bored. If a woman batts her eyelashes at you, it will make you think you've got a shot...and so on. Our response to sex, to love, has not been normal.

    I hope you are getting all coconutty tonight. :D
     
  13. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    So, freaking out and tempted.

    I'm taking N back today. I'm no longer sure it's the best course of action. Many many things are up in the air. With him in particular and more generally. Uncertainty and the attendant anxiety is a big trigger for me. I'm also ashamed that I haven't been more on top of everything. I've been hiding from some things, still, even without PMO.

    I have no idea if I'm going to be interviewing anybody, and this is just a couple of days before I'm supposed to be. This is because neither I nor anyone else on the hiring committee have access to any application materials because we have to go through some 'training'! (Were we told about this? NO!)

    T's essays are due today and, though he made a good start on them, he didn't work on them at all last night. I'm going to be driving all day, so I can't help him. I guess my wife can do that and she said she will, but it was important to me to be fully involved with T's application process.

    I've got to pay bills that are due today, and, I guess, I'll do that once I'm through venting here, but I have so much anxiety related to money these days it's hard to face that. I also am supposed to be writing letters of recommendation that are due today.... who knows when that gets done?

    I'm not packed. The truth is that I was too hungover yesterday and too stressed to do all of the things that needed to be done. I really feel like I'm losing ground in my quest to get back on top of my life. Yesterday all I really did was work with T a little on his essays (he at least started them...) deposit money in the bank grocery shop make dinner and try to shake the hiring process loose. Oh, I did let my friends know that I might not be coming to stay with them because of this whole screwed up job search thing. I did let my superiors know (they should have already, though) that I wouldn't be teaching classes this week. I really need to do much better than I am.

    The only bright spot really is that I didn't drink to go back to sleep last night, I did wake up with the light alarm (I decided N would be OK by himself) I just did my numbers, and I'll make sure to get out for a run in a bit, too.

    I have no idea how we're going to pay for N this semester. The whole situation is really screwed up and I don't feel like I have the strength to face up to it. I had hoped that staying away from PMO would help me, but it hasn't. At least as much as I need it to. It's not that I want to go back to PMO, it's just I needed bigger changes to occur for me to succeed.

    Writing here helps. Thanks all. I'll get started here now, I guess, at the beginning of day 72.
     
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm sure you'll figure it out. :) I listened to Gaur Gopal telling some peeps a parable. He talked a man who was lost in the desert. He had run out of water and if he didn't find some soon he would die. When he was just about to lie down and let the buzzards have him, he spied a shack. Was it a mirage? He crawled toward it and discovered it was real and inside was a water pump. What luck! With renewed energy he pumped and pumped, but no water came forth. Exhausted he lay back. Then, he spied a bottle sitting in the corner. Upon grabbing he saw it was a bottle of water with a note attached to it. It read: Pour this water over the pump to get it working. Afterward be sure to fill up the bottle again. Hmm, now he had a dilemma. Should he drink down a sure thing or should he follow the instructions and get as much water as he needed, enough to fill up his empty canteen? What if the instructions were wrong! One thing for sure was he had to make a choice. He decided to take option B. He poured the life-giving water over the pump and began to work it. He heard some gurgling and so pumped harder. Water came rushing out. Soon he had enough water to satisfy his thirst completely AND to fill up his canteen. Then, of course, he filled up the bottle of water and replaced it.

    The parable means: we have a choice. One way or another we must choose and then live with whatever happens.

    To put it all in common parlance. When you want to clean a messy room/garage, and you don't know where to start, you just pick a corner and start working.

    You'll get it done. Your family is healthy and together. That is more important than all the money of Warren Buffet, which is a stupid name to have, because it implies having a lot of substandard bullshit! :D
     
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  15. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Thanks again, @Saville for your time, attention and thoughts.

    The parable seems to be more about trust and about sacrifice and about paying it forward (if he had drunk the glass, future visitors would not have the glass of water, nor a working pump).
    Anyway, as I was driving N back I thought about it (I read your post just before we left) and that's good.

    Thanks too for making an effort to jump start the boards! The more people post, the more people will post. The support I've gotten here, from you, from @Bobo from @NCBob and others I'm sorry I'm forgetting has been invaluable. I'm sorry if I haven't been as good at giving it back.

    I'm alone in a hotel room, and, mostly working. I haven't had coffee really since the continental breakfast was canceled due to a surprise health inspection! Erg.... I forgot some of my running gear, but still got out for a walk, so, a little exercise.

    I don't usually watch TV - at all, but I had it on in the background earlier, just to keep me company I guess. My wife was really short with me on the phone yesterday, my son is in his apartment with his girl friend, nobody is replying to my emails trying to clarify the search.... I'm not usually someone who feels lonely, but the stress of this trip... Anyway, geeez! even morning shows and commercials are super sexual. Or maybe I'm just really horny and reading too much into things, but every freaking commercial had some scantily clad woman in it. I don't know if I'm turning into Mike Pence or what, but it all seems ridiculous and vaguely wrong. Also, stimulating, so I turned the TV off and am writing here. I've got to read like a gazillion applications. I'll probably be taking breaks and I'll come on here to write more on day 73.
     
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    We're all in this together. One of the most important things I realized is that I could not do this alone. Without the support of the group, without being part of a community of men striving together, and without the collective wisdom here, I would not have made it this far. There are journals of people here who have not posted for four or five years, but they still give me strength to this day.

    TV is overtly sexual because that's what sells. Lipstick lesbians are having an absolute heyday. :rolleyes:

    Pence probably has a gay lover stashed away in the wings. lol

    The good thing about reading many job applications is it will kill your libido. ;)
     
  17. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I have much to say on this topic but cant right now. This entire twisted attitude is not I REPEAT NOT WHAT WOMEN WANT ! Will write later.
     
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, bro'. Sup?
     
  19. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Doofus, How are you doing? Happy Saturday:)
     
  20. Doofus

    Doofus Active Member

    Hey guys. Thanks for checking in on me!

    I just got back from a very intensive conference late last night (plus other drama....). Working feverishly today to try to catch up so I'm ready for work on Tuesday. I'm stressed, but also looking forward to the Super Blood Wolf Moon Lunar Eclipse (SBWMLE??) here in a bit. So, comme ci comme ca. I'll write more, probably tomorrow, but, for now, I'm still on the wagon here on day 77.
     

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