Life is not worth living any more - A walking dead Virgin

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by starfresh1025, Oct 28, 2012.

  1. starfresh1025

    starfresh1025 New Member

    If i could go back and relive my life again I would do it in a heartbeat and I would never get myself to where I am at today. I never thought that Porn can be this dangerous and it has destroyed my relationships with female.

    Started to watch softcore images when i was 14/15 and as time progress I got even worse. Click/search/watch/pmo that's what i do all the freaking time. Grew up in a verbally abusive family and i escape my pain by PMO and eating. I am not that over weight and i know girls would flirt with me still.... I am in my late 20s today and am still a Virgin... I am just so embarashed and ashamed because I can't get hard when it comes to having sex with a girl. I am not gay and I had many opportunity to have sex with women but I can't get hard in front of them and the only time i can get hard is when I am watching porn in the room by myself. But I've recently noticed that i lost my sex drive completely and i can't even get hard by watching porn any more.

    I've met a girl and i really like her... and I thank god that i ran into her but at the same time i hate myself for all the damage I've done to myself. I want to get better and i want to have a real meaning relationship with a girl I want to love fearlessly and I want to grow old without any regrets.

    it's been 3 days No PMO - I am having panic attacks, depressed, couldn't breath, angry, ashamed and embarrassed, crying...etc. I don't know if it's worth living any more..... Can I ever be normal again? any one had the similar situation and is now cured? Please help me i really don't know what to do any more.
  2. questforself

    questforself Know thyself

    Strenght to you!

    I can imagine those feelings. The PMO almost made me finish my life, but somehow I always found the strenght to carry on. Usually I though that giving up because of porn would be shameful, so I always got up when I was deep down. I know you have it in you, you can quit your self-destructing habits. It will not be easy, and it can be damn hard and feel almost impossible, but it is doable.

    This is my 3rd attempt to finally let go of P totally. I've managed to stop daily PMOing, sometimes several times a day to a point where I'm now wanking only once a month. And I'm not gonna stop here. I'm really looking forward to bid my adue to P for good. 2013 will be my first P free year since the age of 13.

    I can do it, you can do it and we all can do it. If we really want to.

  3. weirdscience

    weirdscience New Member

    Hey dude, welcome to the community and congratulations on being off the "rat poison" for 3 days. You can DEFINITELY restore yourself to normalcy if you believe in the process. Cliche but totally true. Just take it one day at a time and if you fail, keep on trying. Perhaps most important, though: remember that you're a HUMAN BEING, dammit, and that you are worth A LOT. Keep fighting the good fight--it gets easier with time.
  4. superduper

    superduper break the chains of porn

    Hey man, no need to be so full of regret. I am a 25 yo virgin, had many failed opportunities due to lack of libido or dysfunction, it's no big deal.
    The past is what it is, eventually you will get over the regret.
    We got into porn for the reasons we had at the time. Now we have reasons to quit, so we do.
    If you keep feeling regret, you're more likely to relapse because of the negative emotions.

    You got this.
  5. starfresh1025

    starfresh1025 New Member

    Day 4[ - NO PMO/b]

    Woke up this morning from a sexual dream... the first dream I had in a long time. I am frustrated and still dead flatline.

    After all of the emotional roller coaster experience since day one, I've visited a urologist and he mentioned that i need to see a sexual counselor. It took me a lot of courage to talk to an urologist and toward to the end he said i have normal size and healthy looking male parts and provided a bottle of Levitra (sample). I will not take none of these medications. I want to cure the root of the problem (my brain).

    I've been reading, working out, working out some more, and I've even stopped thinking about girls and I don't even look at girls at the gym just so i can clear up my mind. I am mentally drained, I am constantly dealing with my anxiety/emotion issues... i keep thinking about how could i got myself to where I am at today (I can't have an hard erection if front of a girl, and im now completely flatline)

    My penis is a little bit more sensitive today, I can feel a little tingling on the tip of it when i try to feel it.

    I am tired from reading and worrying and panicking....
  6. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    It's good that you recognise that you're in a flatline.

    In fact, I think your description of flatline is excellent. It describes exactly how I feel when i reboot.
    Be careful, because when you're flatlining, you can have lots of negative thoughts and feel depressed and for me anyway that can lead to PMO'ing just as a distraction from the depression.

    Re: being a virgin. I bet as soon as you start having sex with a girl you really like, your regrets about the past will disappear fairly soon. It really is that simple. When human beings start getting their needs met the past just starts seeming like old memories rather than something real that's haunting you
  7. Wackboard

    Wackboard New Member

    Hey welcome :)

    Looks like you are really fed up with PMO, that's a good place to start from quiting it. Take it one day at a time, I remember my first few days my mood was swinging all over the place. I could go from feeling fine to feeling irritable and anxiety attacks in a split second, which led to me loathing my life. Don't worry about feeling like shit over how your life turned out. The good thing is you have the balls to tell yourself (and us!) the way it is and do something about it. Plus women in their 20's 30's are better then teenagers anyway so you haven't missed out all that much.

    Keep abstaining day by day and in a while you will see your mood stabalise. For me that means I do feel sad from time to time since my life isn't the way I pictured it to be, but atleast now I have the will and strength to go towards the right direction. And me having an iron will I KNOW I will get there.

    Also keep gavney's last line in mind (well the rest is pretty damn good advice as well) it's sooo true and gives you hope!
  8. starfresh1025

    starfresh1025 New Member

    Day 5

    Woke up today with a soft erection and i now have a TINY bit control/movement/feeling. I am still a bit mentally tired due to lots of reading (yourbrainrebalanced/YBOP) but mostly i think it's from the anxiety.

    @ Gavney - I do have lots of negative thoughts and I do feel depressed - I was an extremely happy person before I discovered YBOP and i guess over the years I just buried myself/feelings/emotions/ under PMO. I would go to work, hang out with friends, and really never talk about girls and here I am, found so many stories that fits my descriptions (In bulls eye in some stories) and I said to myself that I need to change for good. I then became very depressed and anxiety level has been elevated.

    @ Wackboard - I totally agree with you. My emotion could change in a split second.... I try to take a walk at work and I've been going to the gym daily.

    My emotion is totally messed up. I would feel everything is great and I would think that there is hope for me it's not to late and the next second I would feel like shit, how did i get myself into this position right now?!, then I would think that what if on the 120th day it still doesn't work for me.... what do i do next?!

    Should i ever bring this up to the girls I like? Prob not a good idea?
  9. Wackboard

    Wackboard New Member

    For me right now I dont even bother about women, I could but I want to have a somewhat stable mood again for some time and get some parts of my life straightned out. I bet that being in a moodrollercoaster is not going to help you being succesfull with women and will only add to your depression. Strange thing though today is that I had girls and women smile more at me than in a loooong time, feels good :)

    Keep your main goal in your sights and do whatever you feel is best to attain that goal. For me thats refraining from women for a while untill I feel excited again to go look for a nice woman (or women ;) )

    Good to hear you are also mixing in some good stuff by going to the gym daily. Shit I go 3 days a week and feel much more awesome thanks to that. What do you do? Myself I run about 5km and then lift weights.

    One day at a time buddy, in a few weeks you will notice many changes. And some you dont see till you re read your jounal. Dont worry about it not working for you even after 120 days. Lol, though I had the exact same worry so prob part of recovery.
  10. starfresh1025

    starfresh1025 New Member

    I still worry about the "what if" problem... what if it doesn't work for me and I doomed for life? I do have a photographic memory and I don't forget the things that I've watched ... most of the time and I am afraid that this could cause long term damage. If you know anyone that has cured his ED due to porn usage please let me know.

    I started to run now.... I did a 5.xx miles run last weekend. I do push up in the morning about 20 and I do another 10 to 20 during lunch time and night time that's when i go to the gym. I mainly just walk/bike, nothing major.
  11. starfresh1025

    starfresh1025 New Member

    Day 6 - Morning - NO MO/PMO 6 Days straight.

    I feel a little bit better today. I am a lot more focus in the morning now compare to the rebooting. I now understand why I could sleep for 12 hours straight and still feel tired when I wake up. It's like a hangover except there is no drugs to make you feel better. I woke up from a weird sexual dream this morning and had a few flash backs about the girls that I had the opportunity to have sex with but never could because of my ED problem. I've also had a little erection, no where decent, but I am glad that's there's some improvement.

    Random thought - I remember one time that i had a naked girl in front of me and I was pleasuring her with my fingers but I still couldn't get hard at all. I was nervous and excited but there is no erection at all. (taking a deep breath while I am typing this) Maybe because she was a little chubbier than the girls that I normally like? I guess the damn porn has really mentally damaged me.

    I've been working out pretty much every night and I still do push ups (10 to 20) in the morning just to keep myself busy and try to keep myself away from any negative thoughts.

    I am not the best writer in the world but I say to myself that I need to keep writing so I can monitor how I am doing, feeling, and improving. I am very thankful for this website and my goal is to reboot and hopefully after 120 days I can come back and tell the new members that I was in your position, we had similar story and I thought there's no hope after all but I did it and I am cured from ED and am a much better person now.

    I really want to have a meaningful relationship with a lady and experience and appreciate what God gave us and I want to travel with her and do things that are fun and I want to be able to love her fearlessly but first , I need to fix and overcome my own problem.
  12. gavney

    gavney Active Member

    It's normal to feel like you do. What exactly are the negative thought you're having? Write them down - it really does help. Negative thoughts really can make you feel down. Writing them can help to clarify your feelings and then you can challenge those thoughts. e.g. I gather that one thing that's getting you down is that you're realising how much time you've wasted on PMO? Well, I think it's useful to just accept that. Yes, you probably have wasted alot of time on PMO, but at least you're learning.

    Re: bringing it up to a girl. It depends. Maybe you'll feel completely different in 6 months time and won't give a damn, so why would you bother? If telling a female friend or a male friend is an option at the moment, then I say go for it! It helps to know there's someone out there who knows your problem and perhaps has encountered a similar problem.
  13. superboy

    superboy New Member

    You are in the Right place Now and i got almost same problem .

    What you can do now is :

    -Stay away from internet
    -Get Exhausted ,run ,hit gym ,swimm (loads of any exercise )
    -eat healthy food
    -dont listen to Brain tactics Like you mentioned(panic attacks, depressed, couldn't breath, angry, ashamed and embarrassed, crying)
    -sped some time on This forum that will give you real boost to your No PMO Campaign
    -Start building hope ( it might take you longer but you have loads of time)

    And please stop Thinking life is not worth ,it is definitely worth my Friend ,it all about getting on right track and there you are :)

    Stay fucking Strong Comrade!!!!!
  14. starfresh1025

    starfresh1025 New Member

    Day 6 - afternoon

    I feel a lot better today and my mood and emotion is stable. I don't know if it has anything to do with the girls that I've been talking to but I am just taking one day at the time. My energy level is great considering the fact that I didn't take my vitamins this morning and I only had some tea. I am now taking Multi-Vitamins, Omega 3 Fish oil, Zinc, and I am decreasing my caffeine intake level by more than half of what I normally consume.

    @ Superboy - Thank you for stopping by I do appreciate you taking your time to provide some words of encouragement. It's really good to know that there's a community of folks that are helping each other out and we all are trying to improve our life.

    @ Gavney - I've just met a nice girl (at least that's what I think) we had a great time on our first date but later I found out that she's mad at me because I didn't make a move. A week later, I've discovered from a mutual friend that She thought that I maybe I didn't find her attractive or she thought maybe I think she is gross. That def. not the case! I was nervous as shit and I've always been that chicken shit guy. Anyways, she's also the reason that I've discovered this site and YBOP. Here I am, sharing my stories with you guys.

    I am mad/frustrated/disappointed with/at myself. I am that wanted-everything-to-be-perfect guy, if it's not the way I imagined then i don't want it at all. I am not super over weight but I don't have a perfect body either. In my mind, I always wanted to be a skinnier before have sex, I wanted to make a little bit more money, have a better car, nicer things...etc so i can feel better about myself and towards to the end I never done anything. I've always been very self-conscious but I know that there's a side of me which is also fun, outgoing, friendly, and I know girls like me but I just didn't really have a real connection with a girl. I think it has something to do with my self-esteem. I've met a lot of good looking girls over the last 5 to 8 years, I've turned down 2 hot babes because my ED problems and I thought I was just nervous but I didn't really connect with them. I think over the years I am buried under my porn usage, my addiction to PMO, and I created a double identity which made me becoming a very secretive person. I think the family environment that I grew up in has a lot to do with the way I am today but I think I am mature/old enough to overcome the family situation that experienced. I am who I am today has a lot to do with my porn usage I will admit that.

    Yes, I've wasted a lot of time because of porn but I will fix it and I will never go back to the dark side again. My fear in life is having regrets, regrets on things that I shouldn't have done, the regrets on tiny mistakes like this I could have and should have prevent from happening. I am disappointed that even now that I have great pay job, i have a nice decent car, and I am doing pretty good for my age compare to others but by the end of the day I am still not happy because of my ED problem and my previous PMO problem. I am so close to becoming the man that I want to be and I've met a girl that I really like (her personality, her smile, her humor, the way she acts, the way she talks....she is just what I wanted and like) but at the same time I am facing the biggest problem of my life... for the first time. I was almost mentally/emotionally dead after I've discovered this website. I wish I've discover it sooner. I wish, I wish, and I can go on and on.

    I think it's very important to have a health and honest relationship. I don't lie to the ppl that i like/love it's not me and that's why i feel like I am obligated to tell her what's happening to me. I don't want to hurt her but at the same time I don't want to hurt myself by telling her my dark secret. I don't think I am ready and our relationship is nowhere near to bring up my previous PMO problem.

    I am afraid that she wants to have sex with me and I am afraid to tell her that I am still a virgin then she tells everyone that I know lol. It's 2012 ... you are a virgin? lol OMG. But at the same time I kind like the sex until marriage idea....pure love... based on intellectual connection. I am afraid that I can't meet her sexual needs and she leaves me for another man or tell other ppl about me. That's pretty much the reason why I didn't kiss her on the first date.

    I don't think I am going to say anything and if it's meant to be then I will tell her when the time is right. I don't know if anything i am saying makes any sense to any of you but I feel really freaking good right now that I can just dump everything out of my chest.

    * I do not have any urge to watch porn any more and I am committed to becoming a better person. I am not proud of the things that I've done to myself and by the end of the day the only person that I've hurt is myself. I am ready to beat this and get my life back and I really wish that God would give me another chance in life and allow me to become the man I want to be and I want to be able to love and have a meaningful relationship with a girl (one at the time... not a player) I love and I want to get out of comfort zone to live my life fearlessly.

    It's going to be a long mental battle but I know I am going to beat this and I will become a better person. Thank you for reading.
  15. jimmycliff

    jimmycliff Guest

    hi starfresh1025!

    Don't sweat it for the virgin part, it's no big deal really, REALLY IT'S NOT! You have just been conditioned by this society far more then you really need to be anxious because of not having sex until now!
    just keep working on this "reboot" and it will have a positive outcome for YOU! not for the virgin, not for the girls, not for the environment, not for anyone else, it's IMPORTANT FOR YOU!

    get it?

    YOU are the person that is healing now, so stay strong on this healing process! if you fall, it doesn't matter, get up and repeat/continue "the reboot"! WHEN you heal yourself, then you will adopt a different mindset (that is maybe unconcievable to you at this present moment) and all of the "virgin" problems will resolve NATURALLY - meaning you WILL be capable of connecting with a girl you want to connect with - mentally and physically - meaning sex! But sex should be the last fucking thing on your mind now... You have seen enough of it already on the screen..

    So just put a few checkpoints in the reboot process ahead of you, and always keep your goals visible in front of you! So when you think "what is the point of this?" you can look in the checkpoint and see what the point REALLY IS!
    I've seen ppl put it in terms of days, so go in small increments at the start (like every day or few days) and eventually make it to weeks maybe.I'm currently counting checkpoints in weeks so it's not bad if you are busy during the week.

    There, just wanted to let you know that many ppl read on this forum, so use it to your advantage, ask stuff etc..

    Stay STRONG and good luck on this quest, it's worth it!
  16. jimmycliff

    jimmycliff Guest

    EXACTLY!! THAT is the same motivation for me! I just take a look back in my life, and it's enough for me to hate porn for the rest of my 5 next lives!

    That's the only proper use for porn actually, to make us HATE IT even MORE!! haha ;D
  17. starfresh1025

    starfresh1025 New Member

    Day 6 - late PM

    It's been an awesome day today for me. I was able to get back to the normal me again and I missed that old me. I am happy and smiling and even the ppl i work with even mentioned that I missed the "Old me" and it's good to see me back again. I think by expressing myself randomly/freely here has helped me a lot at the same time I've learned a new chapter of myself. Love can destroy me and also change me for the better. I am thankful for discovering this website and of course YBOP.

    Got it! I really just want to get back to my health stage... i want to be able to get a bonner without watching porn and that would eventually get my confidence back.

    I totally agree with you and Jimmy! @mustRecover - I am embarrassed to ask but at the same time I am anxious to know.... did you have any ED problem before the rebooting process? My main concern right now is that I won't be able to have a woody by myself or in front of a girl after my 120 day reboot. Gosh this is scary.
  18. StopThePorno

    StopThePorno S₮O₱ ₱OṘ₦

    That's exactly right man. When I remember all my acting out and all the escalating to shock myself with sick things, I get disgusted.

    That's a big reason for me to stop. Even If I don't get any benefits except curing my ED, ( I'm only 18, fuck), I'll be happy with myself for not doing that anymore.
  19. starfresh1025

    starfresh1025 New Member

    Day 6 and a half - late PM

    I hand a pretty good work out, I didn't stop until my shirt is completely wet. My mood is better and much more stable. I am really trying to learn how to take one day at the time and not worrying about anything else. I stop all the what if this, what if that,...etc. since the last post I really believe that it could cause more harm to me than anything else. I need this reboot to be perfect and I don't want fail and I will not fail.

    I am now getting a tiny bit of response back from my penis and i can make it to move a tiny bit and it's actually a little bit longer. I think it's a good sign, perhaps I don't have high blood pressure/cholesterol/artery blockage and I am getting enough blood down to my penis and all i have to do is to focus on rebooting and give my brain to rewire.

    (I just realized that I didn't click on post)

  20. starfresh1025

    starfresh1025 New Member

    Day 7 - Early AM

    I woke up this morning with a small erection and I then I try make it a stronger one by USING my own penis. NO hands at first!!! I was able to move it and make it stronger all by ITself then I stopped and back to sleep for a min or two then my erection was still there and then I woke up again to test it out and there IT was, I was able to move it without my hands and I could actually make it harder. I then started to massage it a little bit to increase blood circulation. I was also thinking about the girl that I am talking to ....then did 9 push up and here I am in front of my computer.

    I am currently in a much better mental stage, I feel sharp, clear, and wide awake. I am just in a better mood right now and I am a lot more hopeful than a few days ago. I just finished reading a chapter of The Brian That Changes itself by Norman Doidge, M.D. and I think if I just reboot and follow to my plan/goal... I am going to be okay!

    Still 0 urge to watch porn, I still have flash backs but I am trying to keep myself busy the whole time so my brain doesn't think about the videos. I can't wait to see what my 30 Days is going to be like!

    I've been working out everyday since Day 1 of No PMO and i've also lost 0.8lb this week so that's another plus for me. My goal is to lose about 20% body fat and I think that would help me to increase my self-esteem and also help me with my anxiety issue when with a girl closely.

    I've just discovered Fire Breath last night practiced once and I will be trying it everyday for the rest of this week.

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