Liberation journey

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by liberation, Apr 22, 2012.

  1. liberation

    liberation New Member

    Hello! This is the beginning of my journal here, though it is not the beginning of my rebooting journey. I am a 26 year old male university student, and I came across YBOP.com almost a year ago reading up on eastern philosophy and notions of sexual energy. The research I found on the brain-altering effects of porn was a revelation, and I immediately began testing this out for myself. The experiences I've had, progress and failure, have convinced me that Gary and Marnia's research is right and consequently, eliminating porn from my life is the way to heal my sexual nature. So when I found this community I decided to start a journal, as I need some accountability and you all seem like a supportive and knowledgable bunch.

    Background
    I started masturbating to porn ten years ago, probably, starting with pictures and slowly escalating to videos and you know the drill. I remember having a feeling that this was somehow wrong or bad for me, but as the habit settled I got used to ignoring the shame as well. I never really had any girlfriends growing up. My first "relationship" was with a girl it was exceedingly hard to meet up with due to distance, and I suppose as a consequence my sexual brain circuitry has never really wired to touch or real sensory intimacy. I've always been a very abstracted and introverted person, but the anxiety of all this misdirected sexual energy must have kept me from developing my extroverted side more. I did meet up with this online girl and have sex with her eventually, around age 20, which was great but only a temporary thing. My porn use and depression both continued to escalate after this, and after a "reckless" period involding a lot of drug-use and a weird relationship with a schizophrenic girl (during which I experienced some bouts of ED), I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and dropped out of university for two years before returning.

    So despite being a relatively intelligent, accomplished and good-looking guy, if I may boast, I've only had sex with two girls. I've turned down numerous willing ones, usually without realizing until too late. I've developed social anxiety like a cage for my mind that keeps me from realizing myself and being who I really am. I'm scattered and distracted, caught up in hypothetical futures and craving effortless relief. I can't begin to imagine the countless hours I've been bound to the computer, like my lizard brain expects that this is where it should be looking, this is where the love and the action is. Ironically, the year of my life I was happiest with simple moment to moment existence was the year I had mandatory army service. Sounds miserable - but I had no privacy and so no occasions for masturbating for a year, just socializing and phyiscal challenge. This was one of the things that helped convince me when I found YBOP and all the information about rebooting.

    Reboot
    I mentioned I've been at this for a year. I've relapsed many times, been tempted and binged and hated myself, but I've gone two weeks PMO free multiple times, three weeks many times and a month two times. I know exactly what that dopamine hangover feels like now, and I want to be free from it. Permanently. PMOing every two weeks isn't much better to me than several times every day, as the rush is so intense, and the shadow it casts over the rest of my time even longer. I need to go the distance this time, so I'm committing myself to posting in this journal until I feel I am where I need to be, who knows. Looking forward to recording day 100 for the first time.

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    DAY 21

    I started this "for real this time, really" attempt 21 days ago, after a binge that started on a hangover. I seem extra vulnerable on hangover days, so I need to be careful with drinking. I almost cracked after a really rough day yesterday. I had everything set up and videos picked out and started skipping through them when I experienced a disgust I could not suppress or separate from my arousal. The whole absurdity of the situation really hit me. Sitting in front of a screen watching some dude fucking some chick and cranking on my rod - what exactly is this supposed to be adding to my life? I leveraged this feeling to get the hell out, unhooked my internet and walked the dog.

    I'm seeing some of the usual improvements - my voice is deeper and clearer, balls seem heavier somehow, and the mind fog is hopefully lifting. But my desire to do anything whatsoever is completely gone. My mind seems blank in conversations, like I have nothing to say to anyone, and my social anxiety seems to actually be getting worse. I've had a lot of trouble sleeping the last week, and this makes it difficult to be all there when I need to. I feel like a weirdo. I'll just have to let this pass over me. Tomorrow, I'm gonna get up early and lift some weights before going to class.
     
  2. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.

    Hey liberation,

    thanks for a great introduction.

    So why do you really want to quit?

    What problems do you think quitting PMO will solve?

    What problems do you think you could start solving right now?
     
  3. liberation

    liberation New Member

    Thanks for the welcome, those are some great questions. Setting clear and realistic goals is important, and I've never been very good at that.

    Why I'm quitting

    The energy drain and desentization caused by PMO ruins my motivation for real personal growth. Irrational anxiety and depression have always held me back from living up to my potential and really being myself. The addict is never at peace in the moment, but always fleeing into the future, craving the next fix. Through abstinence from overstimulation, meditation, and gradually establishing good daily habits, I am working towards ridding my mind of all this distracted anxiety and becoming mindful of the present moment. PMO is the worst of the bad habits I need to purge, but I also intend to waste less time in front of the computer and get out of the house more. It's like my subconscious looks for relief from any kind of uncomfortable feelings in the computer, and I often plop down and waste lots of time instead of doing something that would actually help, even if I don't watch porn.

    If I can rid myself of these burdens and learn a more attentive, giving mindset, I'll have made a lot of headway toward my other goals, like getting a girlfriend and an academic career. I'm still working on these goals simultaneously, attending classes and talking to girls, and I feel a huge difference between when I'm abstaining and when I'm in a PMO cycle. So relapsing now would be bullshit, because abstaining is one of those cumulative things that makes all other aspects of life richer, more colorful! I just have to hold onto this motivation.

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    DAY 24

    No real temptations lately, definitely feel like I'm flatlining. Little interest in sex or anything else. Not sleeping well either, I think I'll try excercising every day from now on. Doing anything feels like a real chore but when everything's equally boring I might as well do something productive. I have installed all sorts of website blockers on my browser and blocked all my typical time-wasting websites. Will check in again soon. .
     

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